Another Day in the Life of a Depressed Mom

 

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Today was another day. 

I'm pretty sure that CPAP machine thingy isn't helping me at all. I'm not feeling more rested, I don't have more energy, and I'm not feeling better. I DO still want to nap most of the day, which causes me to stay up til 1 or 2 every morning. 

I know, I know. Duh. Go to bed earlier. Stop taking naps. Shut up.

My dad mentioned that I should take a walk today. It was a beautiful day. I have zero, zero motivation to do so. I DID go downstairs and find some socks AND shoes. And I put them on. Well, mostly. I still can't tie my right shoe with my back (slipped disk thing) so I tried to tie it one handed. I was thinking, if that girl can go on Dancing With The Stars with two amputated legs and win a silver medal in snowboarding in the paralympics, I can tie my shoe with one hand. Yeah, not so much. I walked around for the rest of the night with one shoe tied and one undone.

I'm reading the blog of a woman who, like me, is depressed. She, however, is a runner and is training for a marathon. So she basically lays in bed, then gets up to run and goes back to bed. She ran twenty miles yesterday. Yeah. (Her blog is http://depressionmarathon.blogspot.com)


What did I do today....? What did I do?... I made brownies. I emptied and loaded the dishwasher.


Yay, me!


I have gotten to the point where the basement is too messy for me to wrap my head around it. I can't function when it is so cluttered - I just basically shut down. I get out of bed, look at the mess, and just feel myself imploding. I feel the anxiety taking over, and then I just kind of grit my teeth and walk over the clothes and the toys and the mess and the couch cushions on the ground and the blankets and do what I have to do to get by. I can not deal. When I just look at it, I logically think, okay, pick up all the coats and put them in the winter crate. Pick up the couch cushions and put them on the couch. But then I just kind of panic and go upstairs.


James keeps managing to get his pants off. Every day. He pours water on them or he has an accident or he just shows up without pants. We don't have all that many pants for him to wear, anyway, and I'm having a hard time keeping up with the laundry (see above). So when he shows up, naked from the waist down, it's just... SIGH. "Where are your pants?" Most of the time it's "I don't know." He'll walk around all day naked if I let him. He really could care less. SIGH.


Will's new word is "keybuzz" (in place of because). I kind of hope he never grows out of that one. It's just too cute for words. And he is terrified of bears. Flat out terrified. Every day he asks, "No bears out night?" We taught him No bears are out tonight, daddy got 'em all last night. So he just repeatedly asks about bears. He really does not like growling. It makes him very upset. Emma explained to him the other day, "Silly Will, bears are not real! They are imaginary." This was almost in the same breath she was talking about wanting to meet Cinderella at Disneyland, because she is a REAL princess. 

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