another lovely Sunday

Hi there. I have read your blog - yes, 6 months late - however nonetheless.

How are you doing now? Are you still sober? I will have a year without alcohol in 2 weeks exactly ... vino was my drug of choice as well.

Jae, Mama 2 3 Kiddos ( http://chaosensues.blogspot.com/ )

My Auntie shared this with me, it is something that my dad said to her:

The man takes the drug...The drug takes the drug...The drug takes the man...

Auntie, thank you for sharing this with me. I am honored to be humbled so that I can understand what took my dad from us. How many of the Griego family died in the past year and a half due to drug and alcohol related incidents? At least 5, but does Ben's death count as being alcohol related? Being shot in the back 15 times outside a bar makes it a tough one to call.

Ironic thing about addiction, I drank when Prince died, when Yoyo died, when Ben died.

It doesn't make any sense, none whatsoever. Maybe this is why addiction is such a sick, fucked up disease.

Growing up in Pueblo Colorado, I knew a lot of young people who died before they were 20. Almost all of the deaths were drug/alcohol related. Guess what we did after the funerals? We got DRUNK! Shit faced drunk.

A few months ago, March to be exact, a close colleague and friend asked me how I was going to handle the demise of my business, Prescience Consulting. El has worked with me for several years and has seen me through changes in companies, additions to families, etc. and we have stayed close.

El was concerned about how I would handle laying-off my last two and most valuable employees. I responded to El "I believe in Providence." You know, God will provide, etc. Ironically, or maybe not, the place I went to get my head together is called "Providence Recovery Center."

I think I knew as far back as January that I was getting into sticky territory with drinking. Sure, we live in a wine region and drinking wine daily is commonplace in my little community on the hill. But I knew, I really did. I felt as if God was trying to tell me something and that I was floating further and further away from the way I knew I should be. I kept wondering if/when something bad was going to happen. The anxiety ( http://null/# ) that I felt fueled my desire to escape that feeling through wine. Lo and behold, the anxiety crept up earlier and earlier each day, like a starving hound waiting to be fed.

By April I couldn't handle walking to my office because the pressure I felt on my shoulders was unbearable. I knew that there was very little work and I just didn't have the fight in me to go up against other consulting firms. So wine became my close friend. Wine didn't care if I was unemployed or depressed. It was there for me all the time, that transparent lightly golden liquid that has hints of butter and oak. I gradually learned that chilled chardonnay is a wonderful breakfast drink and that the day seemed so much easier after having a glass or four.

So, back to Providence. Club Providence, where fresh fruit is always available to you. I believed in Providence, and guess what, I was not let down. Oh yeah, I have let myself down, over and over again, the the folks at Providence have not.

I drank over the weekend. What the hell was I thinking? Oh, yeah, that I am not really an alcoholic and that I can handle it. Guess what? I handled it for about a day and then went back to my excessive and self-indulgent ways. I even had beers today to take away the remaining hang-over from drinking wine last night. I admit, I feel/felt like shit. I did make it to a meeting this evening and will try to hit 3-4 tomorrow.

I want this, I don't want to be sick. I don't want to disappoint my family, my friends. This is hard shit and it is going to take all I have to recover from this illness. My biggest obsticle is my brain, the brain that says, "no, you don't have a problem" or "You are better now, you can control it." But I know, I really know that this is not the truth.

So, I am back to day one. I will not drink again today and by the grace of God, I won't tomorrow.

in 26 minutes I will have 20 days sober! I know I can make it because on the mountain where I live, the liquor store is at least 20 minutes away and I am too tired to make the drive. Actually, I am just kidding about running to the store. I wouldn't and I won't.

The last time I tried to drink, I woke up the next morning thinking about when I could start drinking again. Note to self, normal people, or as we in double A call them, "normies" do not think like this. They can take it or leave it. Not me. As much as I dislike to acknowledge this, I am an alcoholic. I need to continually remind myself of all of the things I didn't like about my life while I was drinking or I could too easily go back to it.

What I don't miss . . .
forgetting the night before (or day. . . )
waking up sweaty
the shakes
the guilt
the shame
the loathing
the wanting to drink again to forget those ugly feelings

What I miss . . .
the taste of cold Chardonnay on a warm day, cold night, and everything in between
the warm buzz that makes everything feel better for the moment

Reality: no matter how much I drank, the problems I was trying to avoid were still there.