Apparently, I'm not allowed

Today Judi, my
therapist, and I began working on my core beliefs around money. We’re
using a process called PSYCH-K, which uses a variety of energy points,
body postures, movements, affirmations and muscle testing to identify
and reformat misaligned subconscious beliefs. Yes, yes, a little “out
there,” but then a lot of the stuff that seems to work for me tends to
be unconventional. The conventional stuff helps a bit, but it seems to
get more at the symptoms than the root cause of issues (see every blog
since April re: Wellbutrin).

A little on the process

We use the process to identify which subconscious beliefs are
driving certain situations in my life. I stand up with my chin level,
eyes down and open and left arm extended. Judi asks me to repeat
statements or answer questions. After each one, she tells me to “be
strong,” then pushes down gently on my extended arm. If my arm moves,
the answer is No or Weak. If my arm doesn’t move, the answer is Yes or

I’ve found that I can almost tell what the reaction will be when she asks the question or says the statement. For example:

  • My name is Lynn (yes)
  • My name is George (no)
  • Yes, yes, yes (strong)
  • No, no, no (weak)

Sometimes I can feel the Yes or No in my body before she touches my
arm. Sometimes I can’t feel anything. Maybe I’m manipulating the result
through my thoughts, maybe not. All I know is this work has led me to
some interesting places so far.

After the initial setup, we start working on affirmations about the
issue we’re working on. For example, around my beliefs about money:

  • Rich people are good people (no/weak)
  • I easily manifest more than what I need in abundance (no/weak)
  • Money is good (yes/strong)

When I get a weak/no response, we work on rewiring that belief by
using different techniques, then retest the statement. If it’s still a
weak/no, then we do another technique. If it’s strong, then we move on
to a new statement.

I’m not allowed

Today while prone on a massage table, Judi standing over me with her
index fingers pressing into the “sore spots” under my collarbones (the
energetic spots for “self-worth”), it came to me that I’m not allowed
to be rich. I’m not allowed to be thin. I’m not allowed to have a job
that fulfills me personally and financially. I’m not allowed to NOT
struggle and fight for the things I want. I’m not allowed to have an
abundance of friends who stay close by. I’m not allowed to have nice
things that stay nice. I’m not allowed to live my life in a healthy
body. I’m not allowed to have anything in abundance–love, money,
health, friends, nice things, etc., etc.. I’m NOT ALLOWED.

So, if I’m doing my best to live in a state of wealth
consciousness–wealth being more than money, but the whole realm of
abundance of good things–yet on a subconscious level I believe I’m not
allowed to have and, more importantly, to KEEP wealth, there’s a
problem. Because the Spiritual Law of Attraction works on what you
allow into your life. And while I’ve had all of these things for short
periods of time, they never stick. Which means I’m only allowing so
much good to come into my life. I don’t deserve more. I don’t deserve
to have it all. So the Universe hears that, and I manifest all sorts of
situations in my life that reinforce all of my core beliefs. That’s how
it works.

Today, as I meditated on the thought I am worthy of all the good life has to offer,
I realized that  believe I’m only allowed to have so much. If I
actually get all that I really want, then I become self-destructive,
because (drumroll please) …

Having everything I really want is SELFISH.

(Thanks, Mom.)

(Doesn’t it feel great to blame someone for your own fucked-upedness?)

So, see, I’m allowed to have SOME good things, but just all the good
things I want. And certainly not all at the same time. When I get more
than what I’m allowed, then my subconscious puts out a call to the
Universe for help to clear out some of this shit so I can get back into
balance of what I AM allowed to have.

For example, just as I was paying off my credit cards last summer,
after two years of very diligent work, Steve lost his job. Which meant
that the cushion I was enjoying because he was paying half (vs. now
30%) of the bills went away. Which meant that the things I was once
again used to buying with cash I started putting on credit. Which meant
that one year later I’m almost maxed out again. Now, I’m not saying
that I have the power to cause a multi-billion-dollar company
(Countrywide) to go out of business and cause my partner to lose his
job. However, because I have these core beliefs in place, and Steve
lost his job, my reaction wasn’t one of tightening my belt but one of,
“Oh well, it’s par for the course, and here I go back into debt again.”

And the kicker is this: I believe it’s OK to have an abundance of
things I DON’T want, such as body fat, health issues, stress, debt, car
accidents, bad boyfriends, etc., etc. Because SOMEONE on this earth
needs to be a martyr and it may as well be me.

I’ve never had this insight before, and I’ve been working on
personal insight as a part-time job since 2004. Maybe I’d have gotten
here eventually, but I’m clear that my self-worth issues and my “not
allowed” issues are twisted up in each other. I don’t believe in
coincidences, and Judi was holding those self-worth points when I had
this little insight.