Interracial Relationships in the BDSM Lifestyle

Syndicated

B made it clear to me that night that the reason we never used the labels “Master” and “slave” were because of the assumptions others would make, and of course my comfort level as a Black woman. It’s one thing to be in a BDSM relationship, but it’s completely another to be in an interracial BDSM relationship. It is like being in a sub-culture of a sub-culture. People already assumed B was with me to fulfill some “moon light velvet/brown sugar” fetish. I had other Black friends (mostly men) send me links to pieces on Sally Hemings and the rapes of slaves to tell me why my relationship was neither sensible or safe. I am positive that if they knew the depths of our union, they would surely have a brain aneurysm. My relationship with B would be a constant ride of proving to others (and sometimes ourselves when the critiques became unbearable) that our love was legitimate and really no different from what our friends and relatives experienced.

It’s been about five years since that relationship changed the course of my life, and although B and I are not together (and He is no longer with us), I still see the same fears playing out in regards to these types of bonds. During the Twitter conversation, a Black woman admitted that she never took White men who approached her seriously out of fear of them wanting to use her for racialized sex-scenes. I don’t blame her. Although raceplay is a fulfilling kink for many, there are those who want to steer clear of it, and that is completely okay.

We should all be free to have relationships and sexual encounters that leave us and our partners satisfied. Her words took me back to what I experienced with B and I so badly wanted to reach out to her and tell her that I am sure there is at least one White man in this world who could give her a safe experience, if she would wish to pursue that with him. But I did not. It’s amazing to look back and realize that I had one!

My experience is my experience, and I do not know if it can be replicated as safely and wonderfully as it was over and over again for different men and women. It is my hope that it could, but with our society and race relations being as they are, I respect that woman’s opinion and all those who may share it. I simply pray that my experience can be of meaning and optimism for someone in a similar situation.

Valerie Jean is a writer out of Brooklyn, New York. You can read her blog, Girl About Brooklyn, and follow her at @Vivaciously_Val on Twitter.

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