Are We Ever Genuinely Happy For Someone Else's Child?

I think real joy for other people's kids come with time, perspective, and knowledge. Those early years  are too filled with comparisons, benchmarks, height/weight percentiles, pre-school admission "play dates" and overwhelming maternal insecurity to actually feel happy at some other 4 year old's accomplishement.

But as the kids get older, and you get to know them as people, not as number-spewing automatons, you can celebrate when they win the game with a clutch single, come out on top of a piano competition, win the Public Speaking prize. Their successes as tweens and teen have eveythingo to do with them and nothing to do with you not being a good mother to your won child! Your kid finds their own victories, too, and other parents will cheer, pat them on the back. The direct comparisons , of kids and mothers, fade. And real relationships form.

 You'll get there. It's a nice place to be when you can say to some friend of your child's, You were the star of the show!"

Lian

SatelliteSisterLian

www.satellitesisters.com ( http://www.satellitesisters.com/ )

www.chaoschronicles.com ( http://www.chaoschronicles.com )

The observation you made was something I didn't ever think about until you blogged about it.  Unfortunately, I think it rings very true...

I, myself, do not have any children, but at one time I did nanny for my sister.  Being an aunt and taking care of my neice all day, I felt a very heavy responsibility about almost all aspects of this other little human being's life -- from her nutrition, health, motor skills, language skills, social skills, etc.  I spent all day with this newly developing toddler, so naturally most things she would learn would have to come from me.

And when I did see other kids I couldn't help this emerging urge to compare... Thoughts would somehow flutter across my mind when I saw them... am I feeding her not enough... am I feeding her too much... is she supposed to be able to annunciate words like that... is she supposed to already know all those words...  And yes sometimes there would be that little bit of a triumphant smile that formed when my neice did behave well and I saw another child acting up. 

However, I just had to learn to shake those thoughts out of my head even how naturally they did come.  I think competition is natural and competition is good at certain times... because we all want to be the best at things... But I did have to remember that each child develops at different rates and you just have to help them develop their own unique potential and not one of another child's.  It's about remembering that the child is a separate entity from yourself not an extension.  So their accomplishments are their own even though we sometimes like to take credit for it.

And although the evil green giant did creep into my head from time to time, I did still get excited when I saw a truly remarkable child because it really was amazing.  And I do hope that more mothers will feel supportive rather than competitive even with this natural tendency.  I do think it is important for children to learn to admire others for exemplary traits rather than be jealous of them. And being jealous was something I was not about to teach to her.

-Friends From Sunshine ( http://friendsfromsunshine.blogspot.com/ )

I saw the title feed through My BlogHer yesterday and didn't have time to read it, but it's stuck with me.

I've seen a lot of moms react fake positively about the good qualities in children who are not their own. I've seen a lot of moms bash those kids (and their mothers) when they thought it was safe for them to do so. I've seen very few real, positive reactions from moms.

And that bugs me.

Or maybe it's only the mean stuff that I'm remembering? I don't know. I do know I'm going to be thinking about this all day.

~Denise
BlogHer Community Manager

Flamingo House Happenings ( http://www.flamingohouse.net/ )