Are We Obligated to Take Care of Our Parents One Day?

My parents moved to independent living 6 1/2 years ago. They are moving to Assisted Living at the end of this month. My mother was upset about the move 6 years ago away from her home to a town where my brother and his family live. It is halfway between my sister and I (closer for me to visit). My mother is the one who has benefited medically the most from this locale, but she is lonely for socialization. My brother is now stepping up to support my parents since they are moving to Asst Living but my sister and I have made a lot of trips to help support them. My two oldest brothers have offered little to none help.

I don't want my children taking care of me and my husband would be scared to death. He freaked out when I was in the hospital for 3 days several years ago. My daughter would be of help with decision making. My son would be clueless because he is clueless about even caring for himself.

I am buying long term care insurance, for me and with protest for my husband. It may be a waste of money but I need a back up plan.

The Patty Beat can be found at  http://pattyabr.wordpress.com ( http://pattyabr.wordpress.com/ ) where The Fearless Cook resides ready to take on your most feared items in the kitchen.

You are very kind. I have watched my siblings and their spouses lovingly handling their aging in laws. It is an experience to me and a life passage that can be both an opportunity for growth intellectually and spiritually.

The point came for all of them when it became frightening.

I am sorry I am suffering too!!! My son is too!! We can laugh about the circumstances at times, but , we are determined to try and find answers. I am a visual artist by profession so I need my arms, hands and neck working.

I am someone whose work is my way of life..studying etc. No retirement for me LOL!!!

I wonder if I will feel the same way when I am old enough (or sick enough) to be cared for. It's difficult to plan for retirement, let alone nursing care to help with the burden, down the road. I guess I can only hope that my kids will feel moved to care for me (I'm pretty sure they will).

Congratulations on beating cancer. I'm sorry you're still suffering, though. Going back to full-time work will obviously be a big adjustment. Fortunately, it can also bring positives, I'm sure. Good luck.

Mrs4444
Half-Past Kissin' Time ( http://www.halfpastkissintime.com ) & Mrs.4444 Cooks ( http://mrs4444cooks.blogspot.com )

I am five of nine, the first college educated of my siblings. My parents moved down to Virginia when I returned to college and I kept took over helping and monitoring my disabled brother with some help from my siblings in small ways. He was essentially independent but always in and out of hospitals and in need of a place to live.

After a Breast Cancer diagnosis at 40, I weighed my treatment options and my desire to finally be a parent myself. Something I thought I would never be able to do. When my son was born , I was almost 44, and was suddenly faced with issues I never actually imagined.

My parents are still in Va, late 80's, my oldest sister is with them and my Mom cares for both her and my Dad.

I have a 17 year old son, post surgical issues, still, and I now have to return to a full time job at 60. My younger brother, my nephew, myself, and neighbors have all taken those trips back and forth.

I wish I could do more but...they do not listen to anyone, still.

I want for my son not to have the worry and burdens.

I'm impressed that you've gone to the lengths you have to do what you could for your dad. If he loves your son like you suggest that his does, I'm sure that he would support your keeping everyone in the house safe; it would kill him to cause harm to that boy. You're doing the right thing. I wish you peace with your decision.

Mrs4444
Half-Past Kissin' Time ( http://www.halfpastkissintime.com ) & Mrs.4444 Cooks ( http://mrs4444cooks.blogspot.com )

"He says that he didn't get a chance to take care of his mom because he was stationed overseas, so taking care of my mom is for his mom." This made me tear up; what a good man. Please thank him for me for his sacrifice.

Mrs4444
Half-Past Kissin' Time ( http://www.halfpastkissintime.com ) & Mrs.4444 Cooks ( http://mrs4444cooks.blogspot.com )

I respect your position on caring for your mom. Never say never, though; who knows...maybe you'll make amends with each other some day. (Hard to picture, I suppose, when you've been through that.)

I love that you watched over your brother like that. I hope he recovers well.

Mrs4444
Half-Past Kissin' Time ( http://www.halfpastkissintime.com ) & Mrs.4444 Cooks ( http://mrs4444cooks.blogspot.com )

My dad is 21 years older than my mother, they are now divorced, he has two other much older children whom he never had great relationships with. 71 now, he's already had dementia for several years. At 21 my boyfriend and I packed up and moved back to the town I grew up in to care for him and finish college. Things went pretty well the first few years but this last one has been incredibly hard. He has quickly declined to the point where he's confused almost always and is aggressive and combative much of the time. I'm now 25, married with a 2 1/2 year old and 7 months pregnant. I never finished that degree and have put so many other things on hold as well. This certainly isn't anything I ever thought I'd have to deal with at such a young age. It's so hard. Dementia is such a nasty disease. Do I feel obligated to care for my dad? Sure. At the same time, I want to do it. I want more than anything to be able to raise my family and care for my dad... But, the doctors are telling me he now needs 24 hour supervision (he "sun downs" i.e. gets up in the middle of the night while we're all asleep). He is currently in a (temporary) geriatric unit and we'll soon start looking for nursing home placement. It sucks. No other way to put it. I am physically and emotionally drained from it and it kills me knowing that he likely won't be coming back home. My son and him are sooo close and he's constantly asking "where's paw-paw". I think that's the hardest part...I hurt more for him "losing" his paw-paw than I do for me "losing" a dad. At the same time, I simply cannot jeopardize mine and my family's safety by having my dad here any longer. Because he sun downs and I am just not able to watch him 24/7 I don't see where I have any other choice but to place him in a nursing home. It's a decision that I've struggled with for sometime now and I still don't think I'm at peace with it.

So, I say all of that to say this - I feel like children are obligated to (or should) care for parents to the extent within their physical and mental abilities. I don't, however, feel like they should let it drastically interfere with their lives and/or put their families at risk. Advice that I, myself, am having the toughest time coming to terms with.

So that was so long! It's a subject that's very near to me.

Nicole

http://www.onelittlemister.com/

http://twitter.com/onelittlemister

http://www.facebook.com/onelittlemister

My wonderful husband and I have been caregivers for my mom for the last 7 years. She's 84 with multiple health problems but could do a lot more for herself than she does.

I too, have 7 siblings and I'm the oldest girl and 3rd in birth order. All of us live within a few miles of mom but only one sister helps with her. The others call once in a while and offer up excuses why they don't do anything all of which I have started telling them it's BS. Most days, I can cope with it but sometimes I just want to leave without forwarding address. If not for my husband, this situation would not work. He says that he didn't get a chance to take care of his mom because he was stationed overseas, so taking care of my mom is for his mom.

I don't think the issues directly related to caring for mom are as big as the issues and resentment that I feel toward my siblings because they do not participate in her life. She wonders why and I'm at a loss to explain.

She was a good mom. She worked hard alongside my dad and never complained. We had everything we needed and were never abused. She deserves better treatment from them.

I care for her because I love her and because I want to know that, when she's gone, I did everything I could to make her life good, safe and secure.

in the case of my mother...nope I would not go help her...she hasn't spoken to me for long time and I wouldnt even know if something did happen to her...

now my dad is a different story, I'd go help him...then again my stepmom would probably still be around too...

my brother was recently in motorcycle accident, I flew up without telling anyone and slept in his hospital room for days watching over him

so it's all about LOVE and not obligation...just because my 'mother' gave birth to me doesn't mean I'm obligated to do anything especially since she doesnt talk to me.

My parents moved to the same town that my brother and his family live. They live in independent living and soon to move to assisted living. My brother and sister in law apparently have felt burdened by my parents. My sister in law inferred that she hated my mother. At the time they moved, 6 years I wouldn't have been able to help out because my kids and job were a lot of work. I am helping out now but I live 8 hour drive or 1 hour plane ride away. It is really a difficult time but it is a growing time. For someone like my, in the med/nursing profession - I still learn something about the health care environment every time.

My mom had a heart problem and has not been herself since then. Then she had three falls in 8 days so my brother and SIL advocated for them and things are at least stabilized for now.

It's about caring and being engaged. When I grow old I don't think I want my children to feel obligated. I hope to get some Long term care insurance and pay for some help.

The Patty Beat can be found at  http://pattyabr.wordpress.com ( http://pattyabr.wordpress.com/ ) where The Fearless Cook resides ready to take on your most feared items in the kitchen.

I've very happy for you and your mom. Isn't breaking cycles a great feeling?

Wow. Oldest girl of eight? As #7, that's interesting to me.

Mrs4444
Half-Past Kissin' Time ( http://www.halfpastkissintime.com ) & Mrs.4444 Cooks ( http://mrs4444cooks.blogspot.com )

Mary, your story sounds like the perfect arrangement for you and your parents for the time being. I'm glad you're able to care for them and that you have your husband's help. I'll bet your parents are proud to have a daughter like you.

Mrs4444
Half-Past Kissin' Time ( http://www.halfpastkissintime.com ) & Mrs.4444 Cooks ( http://mrs4444cooks.blogspot.com )

Joyce, I have no frame of reference for caring for a parent with Alzheimers. I wish you strength and peace in your journey with that. Thanks for the link. I'll be stopping by.

Mrs4444
Half-Past Kissin' Time ( http://www.halfpastkissintime.com ) & Mrs.4444 Cooks ( http://mrs4444cooks.blogspot.com )

I also will be the one taking care of my inlaws. My husband only has brothers, and none of them are married.

They are healthy and active, and I hope for a long time with them before anything happens. I know I'll be the one needed there too.

Kelly DeBie

Blogger, Mom, Superhero

http://debiehive.blogspot.com

I am 44, an only child.. and my husband and I moved in with my parents who need 24 hour care. It's not temporary.. it will be for the rest of their life, they are 85 and 90.. and not dying.. just old and immobile. They need someone to cook, clean, take care of the house etc. My father suffers from some dimensia but my mother doesn't and refuses to leave her house. That is her right, I'm not going to make her. They choices are to either put my life on pause and take care of them or hire someone.. which I can't afford. If they hire someone they will go through their savings in a year. They don't have nursing home insurance either, so when I can't do it they would take their house, and then put them in a medicare bed. Call me selfish, but I would like to live in my childhood home and not have it pay for their eldercare when I am capable of doing it myself.
I think I had years of traveling, going on cruises, taking my stepson to the zoo, hiking etch. For the next couple years I'm going to be on a leash a bit and will have to sacrifice. It's not easy but I feel it is my duty. I really don't feel that I have a choice. I'm not bitter about it, I know that they are better off with me than a stranger and I also know that it's not forever. I am trying to balance some mental health in it and am happy I found someone that will be my "employee" and not try to boss me around in their care. I just have to figure how to use her. Oh and my husband is there 4 days a week while I work in an office job outside the home. It's a team effort between the two of us. I'm sure looking back at this time I will have no regrets. This was the right way to go. I look at people who live across the country from their parents and shouldn't judge but I do..My parents would be heartbroken if I left. I have all my life on hold until they pass. I would hate for them to be that sad in their final years. Sorry I rambled. I owe my own blog a post regarding all of this. I'm interested to read all of your responses.

That word "obligated" is a stumbling block. You either help or you don't, if the pain is too great then I guess it would be hard. I've been a caregiver off and on for the last 25 years, first my Dad and now my Mom. I'm 58 so when Dad was sick our daughters were still at home and I was torn between my family and my parents. I did what I could and I have no regrets. Mom has dementia/alzheimers and has been in a facility for the last 6 years. I took care of her as long as I could. I'm one of the lucky ones with a husband who was supportive. Some days I didn't think I had the energy to do it all. I blog about Mom a lot and share my experience with Alzheimers Disease so that it might encourage others. There are a lot of us Baby Boomers out there going through these hard years.http://grannymountain.blogspot.com

I agree completely. You didn't hint at this, but I suspect that you had other people in your life to cushion the blow of your mom's weaknesses. I'm guessing that the nurturing that I got elsewhere was what kept my heart tender towards my dad (when he was far from tender towards me). When our hearts are open, they get filled up, thank goodness.

Mrs4444
Half-Past Kissin' Time ( http://www.halfpastkissintime.com ) & Mrs.4444 Cooks ( http://mrs4444cooks.blogspot.com )

I am the oldest girl out of 8 kids (and 3rd oldest), and as such I was expected to set the example and lead the way (not always the easiest thing to do). My mother was mistreated by her mother, so I got a taste of it by both my grandmother and mother. Sigh!

As we've gotten older, my mother and I have had a chance to renew our relationship, and in happy consequence have also learned to forgive and move on. Smiles!

I am so hoping to have learned from past mistakes, and believe that I have made a difference with my three children. I am confident that I have a great relationship with them (2 girls, 1 boy).

Thank you for the opportunity to talk!

~Virginia

Mrs. 4444,

I got so much out of learning a simple lesson that was really very selfish, "Just because my mom wasn't always the best of mothers - that didn't preclude me from being as good of a daughter as I wanted to be." And as someone who wrestles with unfounded guilt, I now know I did all I could. It is that "could" we should remember. No two people can do the same things; we all have different abilities, tolerances, life situations, pain thresholds and types of support systems. Any person who does what he or she can, and does so with compassion and love is admirable. I am lucky to have been able to heal. Not every person has walked a path in life that leads to healing encounters along the way. I am a very blessed, lucky, or charmed person. No matter what words you use to describe it, I am fortunate. Thank you for thinking kindly of me. That makes me feel good.

Nancy

Nancy, you are clearly an admirable woman. You're inspiring.

Mrs4444
Half-Past Kissin' Time ( http://www.halfpastkissintime.com ) & Mrs.4444 Cooks ( http://mrs4444cooks.blogspot.com )

The politics/logistics of caring for a parent long distance have to be tough. I know my two sisters (who live too far away) have guilt about this. However, they find ways to lighten the load for the rest of us at times (sending Mom flowers or cards, treating the rest of us to a dinner gift card, and calling Mom regularly.

You bring up another topic, too; my mother-in-law has no daughters and just two sons (one who lives far away). I guess that leaves me to care for her when/if the time comes. Thankfully, I love her; she has been wonderful to me. Still, it will not be easy!

Mrs4444
Half-Past Kissin' Time ( http://www.halfpastkissintime.com ) & Mrs.4444 Cooks ( http://mrs4444cooks.blogspot.com )

As a sibling to eight, I am very grateful that seven of us live near my mom and take turns helping her out. Big families are truly a blessing, huh?

Mrs4444
Half-Past Kissin' Time ( http://www.halfpastkissintime.com ) & Mrs.4444 Cooks ( http://mrs4444cooks.blogspot.com )

Kelly, my heart goes out to you and your family. I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm glad you were able to be there for your dad. When my own dad passed away of cancer, we had the blessing of finding out and losing him just five days later at age 78. We had time to make amends and say good bye. I can't imagine what it would have been like to need to care for him for a long period of time; that, too, would have been very complicated.

Blessings to you on the subject of your mom.

Mrs4444
Half-Past Kissin' Time ( http://www.halfpastkissintime.com ) & Mrs.4444 Cooks ( http://mrs4444cooks.blogspot.com )

There are few decisions in life that are as complex as the ones we face when our parent's health declines. This is vastly more complicated for those of us who survived rearing by parents who did not parent properly. I moved and left my family for months to care for my mother in her home as she passed away.

For me I also had to factor in the Munchausen Syndrome by Proxy Abuse I experienced as a child. Was I obligated? No. Did I feel compelled to do it. Yes. I wanted to do it because it was the right thing for me to do and I believe the outcome of the process was a healing experience for both of us.

Nancy

Mother Hurt ( http://motherhurt.blogspot.com ) A Munchausen by Proxy Abuse Survivor's Blog

Build Peace ( http://buildpeace.blogspot.com ) A Tucson-based Progressive Blog

I don't know the answer. I'm the child that moved away from my family. Will my brother take over our parents' care when the time comes? Or will I, as the oldest, be expected to return home to deal with those things? It's already assumed that, as my husband's sister was the one who moved away, we will be caring for my husband's mother when the time comes. I don't know the answer with regard to his father as there are some internal family complications there.

Tricky questions that I don't feel ready to consider just yet.

Family Section Editor Jenna Hatfield (@FireMom ( http://twitter.com/FireMom )) blogs at Stop, Drop and Blog ( http://stopdropandblog.com ) and The Chronicles of Munchkin Land ( http://thechroniclesofmunchkinland.com ). She is a freelance writer and photographer.

I was brought up "old school," raised with the old values from Latin America, so we are taught to take care of our elderly~an obligation, regardless. But I agree, one should do it because one loves, because one feels good to be around their elderly parent, and because we were taught unconditional love and good self-esteem.

Sad to say, but who wants to take care of an angry parent, one that has mistreated you as a child, made you feel bad growing up, and was constantly judging you?

My mother, seventy-seven years old, is now a widow, and my sisters and I (including my daughters) take turns taking care of her.

Like I said, a tough subject!

~Virginia

This is an issue near and dear to my heart, but one that I can never write about on my blog, since most of my family reads it!

My father just passed away from cancer, and I left my husband and children to care for him in another state at the end.

My mom....suffice to say, it's complicated. She needs someone to care for her too, but it's far more complicated. So.much.more. Ugh.

I thought I had at least ten years before I'd be here in my life. That I'd be able to at least get my kids to their teen years before I was faced with this all. Not so.

Anyway, I wish you luck with whatever future decisions you have to make in this area. It's one thing to talk about hypotheticals, but when you get there for real......it sucks.
Kelly DeBie

Blogger, Mom, Superhero

http://debiehive.blogspot.com