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Let's get my answer out of the way quickly. I don't think I want to be marriage material right now. I'm not in a bendable phase of life. Emphasis is on the "right now." Maybe one day ... but, if I put any credence in numerology, then I may never be marriage material. It's possible I never was deep down. My number is "One."
As a divorced woman of 48, who has had two men talk to her seriously about marriage since her divorce, who struggles financially, and who has sexual needs but who wouldn't do well a in a casual affair, I'm sometimes introspective about the whole marriage thing. But for me, the marriage question is not a dating advice matter. It's a "who am I at this moment?" question, because I was married for 23 years.
Friends, both male and female, have accused me of being afraid of marriage because my first one ended so badly. They say I'm still smarting from the hellish divorce. Could be. I sort of get the shivers when I read passages like the following from a MidlifeBloggers.com post entitled " How Can You Tell the Difference between a midlife crisis and shaking the dust from your feet?"
I also have the wonderful example of my mother. She’s 76. Two years ago she married a guy she met on an internet dating site. They’d known each other six weeks and decided to take a trip to his native Alaska, and while they were there they thought they might just as well get hitched. I asked her, tentatively, did she not think it was a bit sudden and she answered, We’re both 74, what are we waiting for? (source)
Her post is not about getting married, but I focused on this woman, her mother, remarrying at 74.
Also, I have a friend who told me about her mother, who's about five years older than I am. She said that her mom met and married her second and current husband a few years ago. I didn't like the sound of that at all. I've even heard of some BlogHer members over 40 who've remarried. When I hear of these nuptials I think good for them! But the thought also crosses my mind, you mean I'm not safe yet? Somebody could still roll up and want to get married?
At other times I wonder what's wrong with me that I have no desire to be one half of a twosome.
At Black Women, Blow the Trumpet, Lisa Vasquez has a provocative discussion about African-American men and women and the spouse shortage. She began her post with a phone conversation she had with an ex-boyfriend who's now married who told her that he thought she didn't want to be married. Like me, she went trolling through her soul after hearing the statement, and that resulted in her writing a post on the subject that includes what women say, what men say, and a series of questions for other women regarding their views of marriage.
At the post she has the following list of what she reports men tell ministers will make a woman unsuitable for marriage.
Which factors would deem a woman less desirable as a marital partner?
Women who have unresolved anger towards their fathers or towards men.
Women who are domineering and critical. Women who have control issues.
Women who have low self esteem and are deeply insecure and emotionally-needy.
Women who have been sexually violated or physically abused in childhood or in adulthood. (Those who have not thoroughly worked through their survivorship issues.)
Women who are self-centered.
Women who have siblings and mothers who are allowed to meddle in their lives.
Women who are too attached emotionally to having family validation and approval.
Women who were forced to grow up too soon.
Women who have managed their lives poorly.
Women who have never seen positive, healthy examples of solid marriages.
Women whose parents had an exploitative, abusive or imbalanced relationship. (Those who have not addressed the wounds and negative expectations that resulted from it.)
Women who have not learned how to have friendships with men.
Women who are career-obsessed.
Women who do not get along with their future in laws. (Read more at African-American men and women and
