I've never had to make the decision whether to stay in a relationship because I wasn't sure whether my partner and I were compatible enough. What must that thought process be like? If there isn't a glaring reason to strike out on your own -- physical abuse, substance abuse, infidelity -- I think the choice of going back to the single life would be much more difficult. There's a feeling of security when you're with someone you know so well. Especially if you've been with someone for a long period of time, you tend to be intertwined with that person in innumerable ways.

Even if you've been together for a shorter period of time, questions might arise in your mind, causing you to wonder if this person is the one you should continue spending your life with. What makes the decision harder, though, is when there are so many more good things that you like about your partner than things you wish you could change about him (we all know what happens when you have expectations of changing someone). And there's always going to be something that you don't like about the person you're with, right? If you give up a relationship with someone because you don't like certain things about them, who's to say you won't find personality traits that are just as undesirable in the next person you're with?


The issue that Kim has with the guy she's dating is immaturity:

We have nothing in common. He's a good kid; sweet, fun, and adorable as all hell. Too adorable perhaps. I think his adorableness is what's keeping me from kicking him to the curb. [...]

Guys don't like me, plain and simple. Sure I'm a great girl to go watch a game with but they don't want to cuddle with me.

Except this one. This one that's adorable and likes me but frustrates me to no end. While only 2 and a half years my junior, he acts so young. Kris and I were joking today that if it were to get to that point, he would probably propose via text.

"Will u merry me?" How romantic.

Don't get me wrong, I like him. "Allot" even. When we hang out, we have the best time together but there's something that's just not right. As much as I try to look past that, it's still there.

I'm going to see him on Sunday. The fat, awkward high school kid in me wants to make this work, while the almost 30 yr old woman that I am knows it's time to move on.

If you really like someone, it's tough to ask yourself: "When do the things I like about this person outweigh the things I don't like?" And if the good times are worth fighting for, how much of the bad things are you willing to look past? Or will those bad times get easier to handle as time goes by, once you learn what to expect from the other person?


Some people like to have a little bit of volatility in their relationship. A friend of mine recently went through a mutual breakup with her long-term, on-again/off-again boyfriend. They've always gotten along together really well, talking things through calmly and rationally whenever there was a disagreement. But one of the things my friend mentioned as a factor in the breakup was "a lack of passion." Not rip-your-clothes-off passion, but the fact that they got along so well, the relationship was almost too effortless. There wasn't enough happening to stir things up.

Deb has this to say about feeling "safe":

What gives anybody the right to think they know someone - especially when it’s their significant other? We know them to some extent, however, we can’t fully know everything that goes on in their minds. Some people feel so comfortable knowing that their relationship is invincible - that nothing in the world can tear them apart. I still don't know everything about my partner - I'm still learning each day about her. Some people feel as though they're “safe” and secure, knowing their partner would never, ever leave them. That safety net is good, because it means you fully trust that person, but is it wise? Is it safe to say that we all need some sort of awareness of the reality of a possible separation? “Oh that’ll never happen to us.” I hear it all the time. I sometimes felt that. Sometimes, when you feel too safe, that’s when you lose sight of what’s truly going on around you.

Grace has a list of "been there, done that" relationship advice. Some highlights:

Don’t devote your time to his every need. Examples: Don’t sacrifice happy hours with your coworkers to go to his work events.

Don’t get involved in his family drama. As a follow-up, pay close attention to the relationships within his family. If they don’t sit well with you, take that as a predictor of your future together.

Reserve chunks of your life for yourself, like drawing a line in the sand which he can’t cross over. The hard part? Really meaning it. If you pick up painting, don’t paint and think, “I wish I was with him on the couch in front of the T.V.”

Don’t share finances, for the love of God. And don’t give out social security numbers.

When you feel you’re not being respected, believe that feeling.

If all else fails, Syd heard about this break-up option:

[My friend and I] were talking about the difficulty that people have breaking up, and she said that she’s figured out how to make it painstakingly simple for a guy who’s not interested in seeing her any more to let her know. She said that she’d picked a “break-up song” and when she’s dated a guy long enough to care if the relationship ends, she gives him a copy of the song and tells him that if he decides he doesn’t want to see her anymore, and can’t bring himself to tell her, then call her and play the song and she’ll “get it.”

How do you know whether it's time to stay or go?

Contributing editor Zandria also blogs at Keep Up With Me.