I Was a Bullied Child

I am so sorry you experienced this.  This post made me cry.  I confess that when I arrived in Grade 1 as a child, I sorted out quickly that in order to not be bullied - I would have to be tough, and somehow I ended up BEING the bully.  I bullied only one other kid - and to this day I have no idea why I targeted him.  I had a bit of a  messed up home life, although I understand that is no excuse.  People who know me now are shocked to discover this about me - because I am not an evil person - and even then, I was viciously defensive of any other kid who was criticized for any reason. Thankfully the boy I bullied and I became friends later in elementary school when I realized what I was doing and fell on my knees asking his forgiveness - and I am so blessed that he chose to forgive me!  I can't apologize on behalf of the people who tormented you - but I'm sorry anyway.  I'm sorry that as people, we are capable of such cruelty. 

It's taken a day for me to digest the disgusting segment I saw on the TODAY show yesterday about two teachers who bullied one of their students. Bullying by children is horrible enough but bullying by teachers? I am dumbfounded. I have no words.

Nice blog Elayne!

I was one of the lucky ones.

I was a big strong kid and most bullies are cowards who wouldn't dare take a chance on getting beaten up by their object of bullying.

I think I had two incidences in high school where some big bully was brave enough to pick on the big kid. That didn't happen very often and I am very grateful for that.

What I saw the other smaller kids go through was totally disgusting.

Bullies are cowardly morons who need to belittle someone for their own gratification.

How very sad.

And how very sad they can't see how pitiful they are when they play the bully.

Hi - just read your blog post. How sad ... and I totally understand how you feel. I too was bullied throughout my childhood and believe it or not I was bullied terribly in the work environment by my boss and his posse - and I was 46 years old! Bullying does not only happen to children - but when it happens when you're a child and then again when you're an adult - it's devastating all over again. The bullying stopped when I changed jobs in 2007 and I still have not recovered.

We have to stop bullying - period.

Lord, how heartbreaking to realize how many of us went thru this! I posted this to my Facebook page with a long note on the importance of this blog. THIS is a topic that needs to be addressed in every family, on every street in every school district until it is as foggy a memory as the outhouse is in main stream America! It amazes me how fast I feel that same fear from being a child! Please, protect your children!

I was a giant and bullied by the "normal" kids at Jefferson Davis Jr High in the early 70's. The one time I lost my temper and struck back, I was called every name you can think of by the dean of girls, Mrs Holmes, because how dare i hit someone smaller than me. Perfectly all right though for them to make my life so miserable that I quit school and was living on the streets at 15. I am highly intelligent and they robbed me of high school, they robbed me of normal college, and they robbed me of my happiness. I still have great rage against them for the unfair treatment.

I'm so sorry this happened to you.

One more thing I thought I'd add is that it's amazing how the tables can turn. Most of the ones that made fun of you because of how you look and your stature become objects of derision themselves. Going through facebook and looking some of them up, most of them are overweight, bald, divorced (gee I wonder why), have been in prison, etc. Some of their lives are complete messes, and the others who have a successful career are not the 'attractive' people they once were.

However, most of us who were the objects of their torment have turned out to become fine looking, successful people. Our decisions make for our future. When you sow hatred and arrogance, you reap a troubled social life and humility. God always has a way of turning things around :)

Now that isn't to say we shouldn't pray for those people. Actually it's the bigger and right thing to do. Hopefully they will come to their senses.

I was an only child. My parents sent me to a boarding school 'to make friends'. All I can say is that this was one of the saddest, hardest times of my life. There was no going home - the bullies were with me 24 hours.The only way I finally got their attention was at the age of 12 to run away from that school, walking 15 miles along busy highways, to tell my mother how much I hated that school.

As a result, I have vowed that my children will never set foot in a public school, and they will never be subjected to the torture that is organized, team sports.(som of my darkest moments occurred when selecting teams for games) My twin girls are now 11, going on 12. We have successfully home-schooled them since 1st grade, and they will graduate from our homeschool.

My personal opinion of public schools is that they are basically a form child-abuse and neglect. On a daily basis we send the most vulnerable, loved members of our family into the most hostile, cruel environment available.The only 'education' that our children are getting is how to survive in an crime-infested gang-land.

Bullying should become a hate-crime and a felony. Teachers and Principals that fail to take action should be charged with criminal negligence.

I had people try to bully me. I bullyied them back. Worked everytime. I remember teachers saying "Just ignore them and they will leave you alone" I replaced that with "Cause severe bodily harm to them and they will leave you alone" and it worked. Don't like that answer? At that level it is the only answer. Nowdays tho every bully should be charged with assault and thrown in jail WITH their parent(s).

I have left this posting on my computer for a while. Both my husband and I were bullied as children. We completely understand the long lasting effects it has on a person. I work so hard with my kids to help them combat bullying and hope that one day people will realize it is not just a thing kids do. Teasing and tormenting are not normal behaviour. The more people that speak up the better the life for the kids that follow behind us. Thank you for sharing...its sheds much light on why we are the way we are.

Some of you may find this interesting: Schoolyard Confession: I was a Bully http://www.blogher.com/tales-schoolyard-confession-i-was-bully

Hello friends. The response to my post has been amazing. So many of you have asked me to share more of my story. After some reflection, I have decided to go ahead and try to open up. I have posted my first update on my blog and will also post it here. Your kindness, compassion and support has been a blessing to me. Thank you so very much for giving me a safe place to share and hopefully,to help others. Hugs.

Thanks for sharing Elayne. This topic is becoming more and more important to me for so many reasons. I grew up in a small town in northern MN, from K-12, and personally never really experienced this type of behavior. Our students (300+ graduating class) seemed unusually respectable for the most part. I remember how we all thought it was fun to try and make communication (and make laugh) those who were "outcasts". This seemed to transition into high school, as we ALL partied together...jocks, druggies, disabled, outcast...it didn't really matter who you were or where you came from. Although, I will admit that those who moved to our town in later years had a harder time fitting in. (cont'd below)

...continued....

My daughter struggles with some rejection from classmates, but not to the level described by you and so many here. I've tried to analyze why this happens at all levels, and I've discovered that sometimes it really isn't tied to the bullies lack of self esteem. Sometimes sheer boredom seems to play a role.

Anywho, I was wondering what type of personality you had during these hard times. Were you shy and reserved? Do you think this made you more of a target? I'm not suggesting that the problem lies with the victim, but I'm curious to find out if there is a common denominator in the victims personalities. My daughter is very shy at times, but I can tell she tries to play the opposite (like me) at times, and this sometimes produces some awkard statements out of her mouth. Perhaps this puts her lack of confidence on display, and the cycle continues. (cont'd below)

...continued...Regardless, ALL kids need to feel a sense of worth and value while growing up, and I take great joy in making all kids feel important and laugh (just like my dad did). Unfortunately, I know far too many adults who felt no value while growing up, and it has so deeply affected them to this day. Sadly, people will never realize how dramatically our society would improve if everyone lived by the 2nd greatest commandment - Love your neighbor (all others) as yourself. Let it sink in, and just imagine how different this place would be. So simple, yet so many blind sheep.

I too was bullied. My bullies found me an easy target because I was super sensetive and cried a lot. The reason I did was because I was used to getting full attention from everyone around me since I was raised like an only child because my brother is 15 years older than me. I got everything I wanted and I was not shy about talking about it. My families solution was to move when things got bad. My mom tried going to the schools with no luck. I even had one kid follow me from school to school. It was in 8th grade when I stood up to one of my bullies that I got treated different through high school. Even as adults we have bullies in our lives it is how we chose to deal with them that is different. Thanks for your blog.

I wore glasses all through school and was bullied all through the sixth grade when I finally told my father. He was a WWII vet. We carried about 4 bails of hay into an unused room in our barn and spread the hay onto the floor. For the next six months he trained me in defensive hand-to-hand combat. The third day of junior high, a tenth grader accused me of trying to chat up his girl. I asked him if they were going steady, and after getting a no answer, I told him he had no claim on her and she could talk to anyone she wanted - even if they were going steady. I turned and walked away. His reason went through the roof (so to speak) and he ran after me and attempted to grab me. I threw him about six feet in front of me, then as he tried to get his breath, I placed my foot lightly on his neck and told him that if I saw him ever bulling anyone again, he would get double what he was getting now.

This is one way to tackle bulling. It never works when the authorities say that a person (kid) must let the authorities deal with it. The kids themselves must learn to stand up for themselves and for others that are too small to help themselves.

Elayne, I have to tell you this. I once bullied someone just going along with my friends but inside something was telling me that it was wrong. I got such a horrible feeling that I stopped. I wasn't friends with these guys anymore and I became the defender of those who were being bullied. I regularly got into fights with people who were bullying others. I wish that bullies could feel what I felt that day. I'm sure they would stop if they did. However, I feel that the people who do this are so insecure that there is no easy cure. They need therapy and couseling and strict parenting if they are to change their behavior. Maybe jailtime for repeat offenders would help. I'm sorry you had such a terrible time with this. My heart goes out to you.

(continued) As for healing. This is the amazing part, if you'll permit me to testify a bit. When I was 17, I had gotten so sick of my life and others, that I was ready to take my own. So I sat out in the middle of a wooded area with a 6-inch knife in my hand. I sat there working up the nerve to plunge it into my gut and be done with the torment. That's when I heard a voice say "Give life one more chance". I sat there so angry and said "Why should I? Everyone hates me and I hate myself". The voice said again "Give life one more chance and I promise it will get better". I left the woods that day saying "Fine but if it doesn't, I'm right back out here". Eventually this led to me accepting Christ as Savior and my life was dramatically changed from then on. He began to change things as I allowed Him to. The bullying slowly faded away, and my view of people changed. I no longer saw them as enemies, but as hurting people who needed healing and freedom. I found myself praying for those who had mistreated me, which if you had asked me before then if I would have ever done that I would have replied with a resounding NO. More importantly, God began to show me who I was and how important I was to Him. It was then the people's thoughts about me began to not matter to me. Now that doesn't mean there aren't days when I don't look back at my childhood and grieve some. Scars are scars, they may fade but they never completely go away. That's not always a bad thing though, because the bad things we endure can make us into better people. We know what it's like to be bullied so we won't do it ourselves nor tolerate our children to do it. God can take the things meant to destroy us and turn them around to make us exceedingly strong, if we allow Him to. I pray that all of you who have endured this will have your hearts and minds healed. That all of it will be turned around and end up working out for your good. I pray for those of you who are dealing with bullying now, that God will give you wisdom in how to best deal with it and that when bullies look at you, they will feel shame and back away. Most of all I pray that you all will look to the One who created us and has a purpose for each of us. Life happens, and people are allowed to make their choices, but God is greater than all that. He will lead us through it all and turn us into conquerors if we allow Him to. Just my two cents there... :)

I'm very torn over the creation of a law. Unfortunately there are those that will take advantage of such a law and use it to promote agendas, rather than defending themselves or their loved ones. I think most forget that you really can't legislate morality. People are going to act like they do based on past experience. Bullying is nothing more than one person making themselves feel better about themselves by putting down another -- pure and simple. This usually stems from bad parenting or something they experienced as a child. I also agree that the only way to stop a bully is through confrontation and making it not worth their effort to continue what they are doing. This doesn't always have to be done through physical force (although I did do that once). One time there was this kid (among almost everyone else) who made fun of me daily and threatened to beat me up. I told him to "go ahead if he wanted, but I didn't understand what I had done to him to make him treat me as he had". After I had said that, the kid looked down at his feet and just walked away. He never made fun of me again. I guess it depends on the bully. My parents never intervened and neither did any of the teachers or administration. Back then, bullying was seen as harmless and just part of childhood. The only times they intervened was when it got physical. Let me make this clear though, bullying is not normal, and it certainly doesn't have to be part of childhood. To me saying that it's part of childhood is a cop-out for laziness. People who want to do the least effort as possible in their jobs or parents who don't want to risk confrontation with others. I do agree that schools should be held accountable for how they react to reported or observed bullying, especially if it leads to a child taking his/her own life. This isn't to say that the school and definitively stop all bullying, but making the consequences out-weigh the fun for the bully will surely cut down on incidents. I also think that bullies should somehow have to receive counseling, because here's the thing guys, "hurt people hurt people". Unless there is something seriously screwed up in your head, people don't just hurt others for not reason, there is always a root cause. A lot of times bullying is merely acting out, a way to cope with something they've experienced or are experiencing. I'm in no way taking a bully's side, just saying that there are always reasons.

@japierce9 I too was bullied through out my childhood. I had to alter my path, look over my shoulder, and was scared at times. However, I never thought of suicide as the way out. I wonder how these kids committing suicide have gotten to that point. Is the bullying that far much worse then I experienced? Has the internet provided them with this alternative that someone from my generation probably didn't consider? I just know it is sad to read these stories of teens killing themselves. The fact that some people in a position of power don’t believe that bullying is an issue. Furthermore, that people continue to support and vote those people into those positions.

I too suffered verbal abuse in high school. As girl from a low income family I was taunted and ridiculed on a daily basis. There was physical intimidation but no one ever actually put their hands on me. It only lasted two years, Thank God, when I was finally able to change schools, but the memories remain. Even today, when I see people I went to school with ( I still live in close proximity to the school), even if they were not the ones who did the actual bullying, I still tense up at the old memories. Forgiving old hurts and moving on with life has been difficult, but the memories still remain. I now have five children, who have been homeschooled since Kindergarten. I can focus on what they are learning, at home with me, and not worry about whether or not they are safe. Since the biggest question I get about homeschooling concerns socialization issues, I make sure my children are involved in church and other activities where they interact with others their own age, as well as older and younger people. When asked about socialization, my answer is always the same. "I came from public school, and I am, to this day, very reserved and introverted. My children, however, are able to interact with others, in ways that I still cannot." I am learning from them, how to open up and interact with people, but it is still very hard. Even writing this, to people who cannot see me and don't know me, is difficult and makes me feel very vulnerable. If your child is being bullied, it won't go away on it's own. Even when I complained about the bullying, the principal's response was weak. My parent's response was weak. I was afraid that if I fought back, I would be punished. Kids need to know that it OKAY to defend themselves. Better yet, remove them from the school. School should be a place of learning and growth, not fear. A parent is a child's best teacher. As a homeschooler, living on one income in this economy, it has been difficult at times. ( My husband suffered verbal ridicule during school, which caused him problems with his self esteem.) But when my husband and I weighed the alternatives: children in public school or doing without, we chose to do without. And every day as I watch my children grow and learn, I thank God that He has provided a way to protect these precious children from being bullied and threatened and abused, like we were.

Yes bullying is a very evil thing but what happens when those who wish to expoloit bullying acts then want to use those tragedys to enact "anti-bullying" laws ? Liberal and homosexual agenda then steps in. Be very cautious in not taking something evil and making it worse ! I speak specifically to Senator Cahrles Schumer, the "main stream media" and others like him who are looking to make more laws to legislate rather than help people's hearts. Find out more at http://blackroberegimentpastor.blogspot.com/2011/10/of-bullying-dont-blame-bible.html

I was bullied in elementary school. It lasted for six years and even I still wonder how I survived. For six years, there wasn't a day that didn't go by where I wasn't being called names. In fact, in first grade one of my classmates tried to throw away my lunch bag during lunch and I sat in my seat horrified. I didn't realize it then, but that was a sign of things to come. As the bullying got worse, I told my parents, but nothing was really done.

By sixth grade, I was at the point where I thought I couldn't take it anymore. Even though I had turned away from God, there was a part of me that cried out, "God, if you really love me, then please get me out of this." God showed His love the next day when I was invited to a private Catholic school open house. A month later, my family received a letter saying that I was accepted.

By the time I got into my middle school, Nazareth, the bruises and scars from years as a bully victim were still very prominent. I was still very scared of what people would do to me and I was one who stayed away from a lot of people, as if to say, "Please don't touch me. Please don't hurt me." This continued from 7th grade all the way through my Junior year of high school. By then, I had gone from Nazareth Middle School to the all-girls high school, Nazareth Academy. Two weeks after the school year started, my grandfather passed away. Six days later, the school nurse announced it during morning prayer. I felt humiliated and I ran away after announcements. A few minutes later, many students came over to me and said, "We know what you've been through in the past and just know that if you are ever having problems, we're here to help you through." That day, I accepted Christ and I feel I have been healed because of His love.

And let me add this: I fight my "peers" - the other teachers - daily about this. THEY DON'T CARE and they actually rather enjoy the "popular" kids torturing the unpopular ones. Arrested development in too many cases of teachers, especially at the high school level! It's perverted.

Thank you forever for saying what I wish I could say. I could barely read it - too painful. I was bullied so terribly too - it darkened my life to this very day. It is a hate crime. It will never stop until there are consequences for both the bullies AND THEIR PARENTS. The parents enjoy their children's viciousness. You better believe it. As a school teacher, I can say this with certainty. I have NEVER seen a repeat bully whose mother (always the mother) didn't encourage it. NEVER.

This makes me so sad!

It is not only in the Public school system this occurs. I moved to Philly when I was eight & attended catholic shcool, from 4th to 12th grade. I was the only white kid in my school. Every school day, for 5 years straight, I was beat up by the same 3 kids.

I knew nothing of racism when I entered the school. By the time I graduated, I was well versed. Drugs, violence & hatred were all I knew for many many years. No child should have to go through that horror! I have since left that crap of a city & buried most of my anger, but it is still there. Some scars never fade w/time.

My apologies if this was posted twice

And what of those afraid that the bully will call in law enforcement on themselves or their children? Well, trust me, if you make it clear that it would not be in the bully's best interest to try to retaliate against your child or ever mention this unfortunate discussion to anyone ever, the bullying will stop. Get all of your ducks in a row as they say and get witnesses, physical proof, pictures, etc. and then take on the bully or bullies in the way they know best. In the meantime, call the news stations, the local news and the larger ones, and let them know that there is a great story here about a school administrator that doesn't care about what happens in his school, teachers that allow bullying, whatever the situation is, and it will stop as soon as these people start to look bad and it is publicized what is going on. Even if the story doesn't get aired, as soon as the school administration hears of reporters nosing around the problem will get solved very quickly.

If you want the school administration to do something about bullying you have to make it uncomfortable for them not to. And to the person who said that her child was kicked out of a private school because they made a ruckus by calling the police and such over bullying, the parents should have gone further and taken the school to court and had their lawyer call every news service they could reach to let them in on the story of how outrageous this school administration's behavior was in encouraging and rewarding bullying. But to do this, the parents have to care enough about their children and themselves to stand up and fight.

Even before all of the drastic action that we must sometimes do to stop a bully, the most important thing is bullying PREVENTION. How do you prevent bullying on the scale some people are talking about? You make sure that your children know, from before they can talk, that you love them more than anything and that they are valuable, wonderful human beings and they do not have to stand for hurtful or insulting behavior from anyone. Help them learn to stand up for themselves nicely but firmly from as soon as they can talk. Children who have a healthy sense of self-worth are not the ones bullied generally. Make sure that they have friends outside of school and are physically fit and have outside interests.

But, in the event that your kids run into some kids who are just not very nice people, I really and truly think that the only legal path to bring change is to pass a law that, like the law saying that you may kill an intruder to your home, allows for physical and legal retaliation for bullying. And as a matter of fact, even without a law, bullies understand threats and intimidation -- they do it so well themselves. Don't hesitate to protect your children -- not by some wimpy nice-nice discussion in class, but one on one in a dark corner somewhere; they will get the point. No bully is going to go against a child whose parent or older brother is going to put them in the hospital.

Bullying is a very serious issue that most schools tend to either take too lightly, or just flat out ignore. I went to a K-12 school for the most part, and they bullied me for just about anything they could. My weight, my younger appearance, my cheap possessions (coming from a low income family). The staff did little to nothing to punish my attackers, and even went so far as to blame me as if it was my fault that they were bullying me. High school wasn't much better until I went to independent study. I am now in my late 20s and over it for the most part, but that feeling followed me well into adulthood. I had, and still have, a lot of social problems related to feelings that there was something wrong with me. Feelings that I just wasn't good enough, and didn't belong with other people. I believe that it was just a lot easier for the staff to pick on me being one person than it was to do something about a larger group of kids. If this kind of thing happened in the workplace, or in any kind of adult social gathering it would be viewed as harassment and taken very seriously, possibly even including jail time for the offender. In many ways it is worse for kids, who are often immature and don't know how to handle it properly. It may even end up with long term psychological damage, as it did with me. Something has to be done.

I to was bullied most of my life. Not only by my peers but teachers as well. I learned at a young age to run. My parents were not available for me. what changed my life was twins that moved into town. My older sister was friends with their brother, so I used to tag along with her to their house. We became good friends. This was when I was a 7th grader. One day when one of the bullies started picking on me, my new friends told me I didn't need to take their abuse, to fight back. So I did and I beat the crap out of him. I was pretty much left alone after that, but I learned a big lesson, bullies always fight in packs. Get them alone and they are scaredy cats. For the next 6 years I stood up for the kids that were being bullied. It continues into the real world and you must stand up for what is right. I have taught my 2 daughters this and they continue to do the right thing, even loosing long time friends when they speak up for the little guy.

October is National Bullying Prevention Awareness Month. I have developed a bully prevention show for elementary schools. Highlights of the show can be seen here... http://youtu.be/2qAvD01RD9E http://www.StopBullyingShow.com

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I feel for you. I was bullied in grade school because of my very low income upbringing. My father died when I was very young and I was teased about it. I was picked on for the cheap cloths I wore. I had a leather jacket my mother bought me and I was so very proud of it. I was picked on and pushed all around the playground with the head bully pushing me with a large crowd of onlookers cheering him on. I finally had enough and turned around and beat him up. I tried to walk away but I was not given the chance. Now I have a granddaughter who was bullied after she moved to a very rough city with an Army base in it. The children were constantly picking on her to the point of being beat up until she finally caved in and got with the program. She barely got through HS and was pregnant at the age of 15 and on drugs. Now her brain is toast and she will never be the sweet girl I used to know. Bullying should be a hate crime.

I was bullied all through elementary, middle and high school as well. Things totally turned around for me in college, and I was able to overcome most of my past. However, I do still have many insecurities and fears which I can directly link to my difficult childhood. I now work as an emergency medicine physician assistant at a hospital in a rough neighborhood. Recently, I had a 12 year old boy come in to be treated for an asthma attack. I could tell by looking at him that he was struggling with bullies. He was overweight, shy, dressed a little "nerdy", etc. I always ask standard questions about physical and mental abuse. He denied both. I went a step further and asked if he was struggling with bullies. He was silent but his mom prodded him and said, "BE HONEST". She told me her son has been struggling with the same kid for years. The school apparently refuses to take any action. I shared with the kid that I, too, had been bullied and that I know how he feels. It really felt good to be able to give him a few words of encouragement and hope. By the end, he was smiling and I could tell it helped to hear from an adult that things can and will get better for him. As a bullied kid, I felt alone and there were days I couldn't see myself having much of a future. I think its really critical for kids in that position to have mentors who also struggled with bullies. Its a huge problem that, even still, is under-reported and under-addressed.