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When I talk to my clients they often say they don’t like dating because they feel awkward. They’d rather do laundry than date. One client mentioned that it feels like being back in High School. I remember in High School often worrying what my date was thinking. Was I cool enough? Was I smart enough? Was I saying the right things? It was exhausting, kinda like climbing Mount Everest without the right gear.
I’m glad I’m not in High School anymore. I’m in relationship with a wonderful man. One of the things I love most about the relationship is that I’m being authentic. It wasn’t always like that. Even though I had graduated from High School I was still acting like a love-struck teenager in my 20s. I was pre-occupied with worrying about what my partner/date thought. Do you sometimes find yourself not saying something because you are afraid you are too much? Too boring? Not cool/hype enough? Too loud? Too honest? Not good enough? Too deep too early?Well, I used to be afraid that I wasn’t good enough. Over the course of my psychology MA studies I came to realize that fear often prevents people from being authentic.
I vividly remember the day I gave myself permission to be authentic. It was a gray and rainy winter day. I was wrapped up in a soft blanket with a cup of hot cocoa watching the movie “Pride and Prejudice” (I like period pieces from time to time). Watching Elizabeth Bennet’s struggle with family and societal expectations, her outspoken nature, love, and prejudice helped me understand the power of fear in my own life. I realized that if I don’t give myself permission to be who I am, no one will. The men in my life sure won’t, nor is it their job. Right then and there I decided to express myself authentically in my relationships. Sometimes, I still feel afraid and now I give myself permission to express that authentically as well.
Souza’spoem “ Dance as though no one is watching you. Love as though you have never been hurt before. Sing as though no one can hear you. Live as though heaven is on earth”, continues to inspire me to have the courage to express myself honestly. How can you connect with your true voice and express yourself authentically? I've found this Mini Exercise to be a helpful first step:
Think of a person or a place that you love, where you can be yourself. Remember the last time you where with them or at this place. For me it is being at the beach in the morning when the air is crisp. Become aware of what you smell, feel, hear, see, and taste. Now, imagine that you lived in a friendly world where people welcomed each other’s thoughts, ideas, and feelings. In this world you only have to focus on communicating yourself authentically. Now ask yourself these questions:
- What am I noticing about myself right now? What body sensations am I noticing? Am I feeling hot, cold, buzzing, pulling, pulsating, etc.?
- What am I thinking right now?
- What feelings am I aware of right now? Am I feeling sad, angry, joy, fear?
Throughout, the exercise it helps to take a few deep breaths that will help you to access your feelings even more easily. Now take out a notebook and write down what body sensations, feelings and thoughts you are aware of. You can practice this Mini Exercise every day to become intimately acquainted with your sensations, thoughts, and feelings . Once you feel comfortable with identifying your feelings and body sensations in any given moment, I encourage you to communicate them authentically to a friend, your date, or lover.
I've found that honoring my essence and giving myself permission to be me, lead me to attract my partner who honors me. Expressing yourself authentically for the sheer joy of liberating yourself will make you happier. Getting to know yourself and accepting yourself leads to the courage to express yourself honestly. Respecting your own thoughts, ideas, and wishes is the foundation for honoring your “yes’s” and “no’s”.
Daniela
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