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Lexi turned twelve last week, and to mark the occasion we made a mother/daughter trip to the mall where I bought her make-up and a push-up bra. No, I didn’t really buy her a push-up bra. That would have been ridiculous since everyone knows you don’t buy your daughter a push-up bra until their thirteenth birthday!
However, I did buy her make-up, and nail polish, and other fun, sparkly stuff that’s sure to send the message: You’re going to have to spend a whole lotta’ money to feel good about yourself from this day on. Happy birthday young woman; now suck in your tummy.
To get things started we stuffed our bellies full at Panera Bread with inappropriate amounts of bread. Have you been to Panera? It’s that restaurant where you’re given the choice of a side of chips, fruit or a slice of bread with your sandwich. I mean, who was behind this genius? A sandwich with a side of bread…brilliant! And if you still feel like you’ve been shorted on the carbohydrates, they’ve got someone going from table to table offering free samples of bread. There we sat, with our sandwiches, a side of bread and a sample of bread.
Once we were fully carbo-loaded, we stopped into a few stores to warm-up and stretch our shopping muscles for the main event: the Lush counter at Macy’s. Lexi had been preparing for this shopping trip to Lush for weeks. She’d spent afternoons hunched over her laptop, creating Excel spread sheets listing Bubble Bombs, and Shower Jellies, in descending order of birthday gift importance.
But first, we whetted our consumer appetites and stopped into Sephora. Lexi picked-out an eye shadow, a lip gloss and a nail polish all in a light pink and gold palette. In other news, Sephora has a frequent buyers’ program. It works like this: after you spend the equivalent of round-trip airfare to Europe you get some kind of in store credit. Very underwhelming information indeed. But, BUT, the lady explained that with this frequent buyer’s club card members are entitled to a FREE birthday gift. And I was all, well pony up lady because this little gal is celebrating her birthday today! Check-out this freebie:
Free stuff is good stuff, however, I’m still all about M·A·C’s VIVA GLAM Lip Gloss and supporting the M·A·C AIDS Fund.
We then made our way to Lush where Lexi lost all contact with her surroundings and became one with Bath Bombs and Sugar Scrubs. Lush sells all things bath and shower related, but it’s more than just a place to buy shampoo and sniff soaps. It’s a religion, and it reminds me more of a yummy smelling cult than a cosmetic’s counter. Also, I’m pretty sure you have to be high to work there. I mean, how else do sell things called Ceridwen’s Cauldron Bath Melt and Temple of Truth Bubble Bars?
Look, here’s evidence she’s lost touch with reality. She didn’t even notice I was taking her picture. Normally she pretends to be Amish whenever I try and snap her picture in public.
Then at one point, the Lush sale’s lady, let’s just call her Moonbeam, climbed onto Lexi’s back and didn’t let go until she promised to worship the Lush religion exclusively and reject all other false prophets. Moonbeam preached of Magic Mushroom soaps and Flosty Gritter Bubble Bars. Then I swear, half-way through her sermon on Sex in the Shower Emotibombs she had an orgasm.
Moonbeam was adamant that Lexi combine a World Peace Bath Bomb and a Street Party Bath Bomb for a “most amazing and awesome” experience. Which I would expect to be “fabulous” considering that bath will run you around eleven dollars. Moonbeam also told Lexi that the Street Party Bath Bomb had a “super secret fabulous surprise inside” that would pop out once the bath bomb dissolved.
Later that night, after Lexi’s eleven dollar bath, she came storming into my bedroom with dripping wet hair, wearing
