Asking *Him* Out: Would You?

Recently someone asked if I've taken the initiative and asked any guys out. Because then I could start dating sooner. Disregarding the fact that my slow return to dating new people was a bit more complicated than availability, and that in L.A. I could throw a virtual rock and get a date, the comment did get me to thinking about first moves.

First Moves: I've made them. Quite a bit, actually, but not since I moved to L.A. and read one too many dating books.

I have found that who makes the first move really doesn't effect the trajectory of the relationship one way or the other. My deepest love over the years was a first move by me, as was my ex-fiance. Meanwhile, in recent years first moves by the guy have led to next to nothing deeply romantic, but another deep love from years ago did come from the guy making the first move.

But let's go back to those dating books. I've got little love for most of them, but here's one thing I read somewhere that resonated with me. I'll put it in the traditional way it was expressed: That the man does the asking, and that the woman's role is to communicate interest. It stuck with me because I had never thought before about how the askee's role is to communicate interest, through flirting, conversation, touch, suggestions, etc., so that the asker has some clue to proceed if interested.

I think that holds true when you flip the equation around as well.

I mean, I'm all for a little risk-taking, but if you're interested but getting absolutely no signals, you're kinda left in a quandary. This may be my most feminine side showing, but I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable by coming onto them when they're not interested. And by "I don't want," I mean that I would be completely mortified and feel horrible.

On the other hand, my signal giving often leaves a lot to be desired. Or not, as the case may be.

Back to the question at hand: Would I ask a guy out? And the answer is, that I'd have to feel that he was indeed interested, in which case I think it is true that most guys will make the first move anyway. But some are shy or will chicken out, and in that case, if I felt comfortable, I think that I might bridge the gap.

But - and here's the big but - I have to be honest that my self-esteem has taken a beating since moving to L.A. I really like and am happy with myself - but I have a lot less confidence when it comes to romance. This flower has been struggling due to lack of romantic love and care. So at this point, whether I like it or not, the guy asking me out is preferable.

And in instances where I'm interested, I'm not likely to swoop in. I'm more likely to wait and see.

Unless I'm feeling particularly punchy, I suppose. It happens.

How about you? Any words of wisdom or stories to share?

The blogosphere speaks:

so maybe that's just like me... - Jo from Pseudo Dating wants to let go.

Miss March on The First Cut? - Miss March About Town runs into an old friend.

Sea World - Things are looking good for sicilian_beauty! She ran into an old friend and ended up kissing under the fireworks at Sea World.

Contributing editor Liz Rizzo also blogs at Everyday Goddess.

Submitted by Liz Rizzo (view blog

) on Mon, 09/08/2008 - 10:00

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I asked my husband out

I'm sure he would have gotten around to asking me out eventually (he's a bit shy about those types of things), but I didn't feel like waiting. It worked out nicely. We've been together for over 13 years now.

Suzanne Reisman, Contributing Editor - Feminism & Gender
Campaign for Unshaved Snatch (CUSS) & Other Rants

Submitted by Suzanne Reisman on Mon, 09/08/2008 - 07:37

Like you, Liz, I WOULD ask

Like you, Liz, I WOULD ask someone out, but I'd have to have a feeling first that they were receptive to it. I've gotten a lot braver when it comes to initiating conversations with guys, and I'm becoming more comfortable with being the initiator -- but yes, there definitely would need an "indication of mutual interest." :)

Personal blog: Zandria.us
BlogHer blog: Singles/Fitness

Submitted by Zandria on Mon, 09/08/2008 - 08:04

I never did but I would now

I met my husband when I was really, really young (18) so didn't have much of a dating experience. I never asked a guy on a date before I met him, and he was the one who asked me on a date. But if I were single today, I would totally ask a guy out if I liked him. Just like Suzanne, I don't think I would have the patience to wait until a guy asked me, plus I would hate being so passive.

---

I blog at MomGrind

I manage my kids' activities at UpToUs

Submitted by Vered on Mon, 09/08/2008 - 10:37

18 years later...

I asked a boy to a Date Party in March of 1990 - Lord only knew what I was getting myself in to. Twelve years of marriage and two kids later, it's still the best thing I ever got the guts to do.

I say go for it.

Submitted by E.M. on Mon, 09/08/2008 - 11:02

Yikes!

I don't know if I would have the guts to ask a guy out. My experiences have been that we both show interest and everything else just falls in line. He asks me for dinner and I gladly say yes. I guess if I had to....... I would hint around a date but don't know if I would actually ask someone out.

Interesting question

Lifeexperiences

Submitted by lifeexperiences on Mon, 09/08/2008 - 12:47

Methinks LA is Just A Smoke Screen....

Ok, I live here too. I understand about the challenges of meeting people, geographical restrictions and a certain industry that promotes human perfection but it is doable.

Men are humans too. Well, except for the mental, social and undesirable trolls that resemble humans, but I digress.

If you have a guy's attention and he's not scoping out the room as you talk ask him. He has the power to say yes or no.

That's it.

Really, if you have done the work you've just about reached your frog quota anyway. Like you've affirmed who you are now looking for in your head and that's the person you are trying to attract, right?

I'm just saying...

Gena - Out On The Stoop

Submitted by Gena Haskett on Mon, 09/08/2008 - 16:37

Never thought twice about it

I called my ex husband and asked him out. I even sent him flowers on the day of our date. I have never thought twice about asking a guy out once I found out he was single. Life's too short to wonder what if.

Michelle

Submitted by Southerngirl on Mon, 09/08/2008 - 16:45

Wow, I am so inspired!

Fabulous, strong, brave women! Where do I get this kool-aid???

Liz Rizzo

I blog at Everyday Goddess.

Submitted by Liz Rizzo on Mon, 09/08/2008 - 16:52

We Are Not Brave - We Are Practical

Some of those guys have just as much noise in their head as we do. A woman paying attention to them dissipates the noise and gives them an internal positive stroke or two.

Not that they need help with the concept of strokes.

And ditto on making it a safe, daytime kind of meeting. A weekend brunch is good or keep a steady list of freebie events happening around town. This weekend alone is the the Jules Verne SF festival and the World Festival of Sacred Music.

These are also potential hook-up opportunities as well. Or will get you out of the house and keep you from going stir crazy.

Gena - Out On The Stoop

Submitted by Gena Haskett on Mon, 09/08/2008 - 17:23

Ask him out on a non-date

Hiking, or to a gallery opening, or to a game... whatever, just make it daytimy. That gives him an opening to ask you out to a proper date, allows you to get to know him without first date worries, and it's easy to slip into just being friends if you change your mind. Oh and guy friends always have single guy friends...

On the end of my rope

Submitted by kazari on Mon, 09/08/2008 - 17:13

We See You Coming

There's nothing at all wrong with a woman asking a guy "out", whether that's for a non-date, as Kazari suggested, or actually indicating romantic/physical interest in getting something started with him and seeing where it goes.

The problem is in the approach.

There's a difference between "I like you and want to date you" and "I'm looking for love... PLEEEEEEEASE somebody love me!". Depending on how y'all carry yourselves when you step to guys, you're either seen as 'women who choose' or you're seen as desperate. So the way you feel about YOURSELF as you approach a guy is of utmost importance.

This is why a lot of women THINK they're in relationships when they really aren't. They projected to the guy(s) that they're needy and telegraphed what a guy has to say or do in order to have sex with them. We see you coming. It's like government cheese... free handouts. :) Meanwhile, the woman goes off on her own mental trip through a relationship that was based on the lie of her initial interaction with her current SO.

OTOH... If you present yourselves as women who are successful and intelligent and know what you want and are going to move forward through your lives WITH or WITHOUT a guy, that's more likely to lead to him respecting you and appreciating the fact that you've offered him the chance to get to know you.

So there's nothing wrong with you asking a guy out, so long as the invitation comes from a position of STRENGTH and CHOICE and not desperation.

~ Bill
I blog at billcammack.com

Submitted by Bill Cammack on Tue, 09/09/2008 - 04:09

We See You Coming

The problem is in the approach.

So there's nothing wrong with you asking a guy out, so long as the invitation comes from a position of STRENGTH and CHOICE and not desperation.

~ Bill
I blog at billcammack.com

Submitted by Bill Cammack on Tue, 09/09/2008 - 05:23

asking a guy out

Heidi
eramblings.wordpress.com

Absolutely ask the guy out if you are interested. It is a must because it not only keeps me in control of my own decisions and who I will date, but it shows that I am confident which is something that I pride myself on. It can be nerve-wracking and heart breaking, but in the long run all they can say is No. And if they are rude, you are lucky they turned you down. Go with it. You might find that you enjoy flirting and making the first move.

Submitted by izaday on Tue, 09/09/2008 - 09:30

About those dating books...

"But let's go back to those dating books. I've got little love for most of them"

Most of what we read really doesn't work, does it? Hasn't for me, at least. There's a savvy young woman, a former salesperson, who writes about how she applies the rules of sales to her dating life and guess what, it worked! Sounds cold and calculated, but when you "listen to her" it makes lots of sense. Jess McCann's the author's name. The book is called You Lost Him at Hello and you can get it on amazon. I think the message is kind of elegant because it's logical, simple, and most important - do-able. Jess McCann talks about taking back control. Talk about reeling your self-esteem back. Yay Jess!

http://www.helpmewithmybook.com/blog

Submitted by kimmerie on Tue, 09/09/2008 - 09:33

Absolutely!!!! (and let's try this again)

I apologize if this is a repeat post - the phone rang while I was typing and all hell broke loose. Anyway, the best way to keep your self-esteem low is to NOT DATE and sit around and read books about dating. I date a lot now (too much, maybe). But I went through a couple of years where I really didn't date at all. I wasn't any less attractive then, or less smart or funny. I was just out of practice and afraid to put myself out there. Finally I realized that I just had to do it. And so I did. And I started by reminding myself that looking for a guy (dating) wasn't all that different than looking for a job. You apply, by asking for dates. Or maybe they ask you. Either way, either you get the interview or you don't. It's no big thing. It can hardly count as rejection if someone who doesn't even know you decides they'd rather not spend time with you.

Anyway, that's my two cents.

SINgleGIRL

Sex, Lies and Dating in the City
http://sex-lies-dating.blogspot.com/

Submitted by SINgleGIRL on Sun, 09/14/2008 - 10:10

My new MO

Based on personal experience, I'd say it depends what you want:

A) If you're in it for a long term relationship, I'd wait to be asked out.

B) If you want a FUN time with someone who likes a woman who isn't afraid to put herself out there and knows what she wants, by all means ask.

And I'm someone for whom B is my nature more than A.

A bemused look crossed my face when I read that you asked your "ex-fiance" out, as did I, with my ex-fiance. I've surveyed guy co-workers who all say they would love for women to make the first move.

After years of experimenting and dating, I truly believe that there is something better about letting the guy make the first move. This is just a different way of controlling the situation (you know, psychically willing him to ask you out) :) These days my approach is to send clear signals then wait...unless it's B that I want at the time.Then I totally go for it.

Have fun!

Susie

The Life Lists Blog

Submitted by superviva on Mon, 09/15/2008 - 08:04

Bold

In my opinion, a woman who has the guts to ask a guy out or just make a move is a woman who knows what she wants..or at least that's what I tell myself..

http://www.blogher.com/blog/maria-jacks

Submitted by Maria Jacks on Thu, 09/18/2008 - 19:39