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Recently someone asked if I've taken the initiative and asked any guys out. Because then I could start dating sooner. Disregarding the fact that my slow return to dating new people was a bit more complicated than availability, and that in L.A. I could throw a virtual rock and get a date, the comment did get me to thinking about first moves.
First Moves: I've made them. Quite a bit, actually, but not since I moved to L.A. and read one too many dating books.
I have found that who makes the first move really doesn't effect the trajectory of the relationship one way or the other. My deepest love over the years was a first move by me, as was my ex-fiance. Meanwhile, in recent years first moves by the guy have led to next to nothing deeply romantic, but another deep love from years ago did come from the guy making the first move.
But let's go back to those dating books. I've got little love for most of them, but here's one thing I read somewhere that resonated with me. I'll put it in the traditional way it was expressed: That the man does the asking, and that the woman's role is to communicate interest. It stuck with me because I had never thought before about how the askee's role is to communicate interest, through flirting, conversation, touch, suggestions, etc., so that the asker has some clue to proceed if interested.
I think that holds true when you flip the equation around as well.
I mean, I'm all for a little risk-taking, but if you're interested but getting absolutely no signals, you're kinda left in a quandary. This may be my most feminine side showing, but I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable by coming onto them when they're not interested. And by "I don't want," I mean that I would be completely mortified and feel horrible.
On the other hand, my signal giving often leaves a lot to be desired. Or not, as the case may be.
Back to the question at hand: Would I ask a guy out? And the answer is, that I'd have to feel that he was indeed interested, in which case I think it is true that most guys will make the first move anyway. But some are shy or will chicken out, and in that case, if I felt comfortable, I think that I might bridge the gap.
But - and here's the big but - I have to be honest that my self-esteem has taken a beating since moving to L.A. I really like and am happy with myself - but I have a lot less confidence when it comes to romance. This flower has been struggling due to lack of romantic love and care. So at this point, whether I like it or not, the guy asking me out is preferable.
And in instances where I'm interested, I'm not likely to swoop in. I'm more likely to wait and see.
Unless I'm feeling particularly punchy, I suppose. It happens.
How about you? Any words of wisdom or stories to share?
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The blogosphere speaks:
so maybe that's just like me... - Jo from Pseudo Dating wants to let go.
Miss March on The First Cut? - Miss March About Town runs into an old friend.
Sea World - Things are looking good for sicilian_beauty! She ran into an old friend and ended up kissing under the fireworks at Sea World.
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Contributing editor Liz Rizzo also blogs at Everyday Goddess.
