BlogHer http://www.blogher.com/atom/feed 2010-02-06T09:15:25-06:00 Sex Education That Works http://www.blogher.com/sex-education-works 2010-02-08T23:24:37-06:00 2010-02-08T23:39:47-06:00 Suzanne Reisman I always thought that I was pretty old when I had sex for the first time (19), but Alan Guttmacher Institute reports that I was completely average. It turns out that 70% of unmarried teens in American have sex by the time they are 19. (OK, fine I was on the older end of the spectrum, but whatever.) I waited, despite intense pressure from a boyfriend in high school, because I wasn't ready and I knew it. It was a good decision for me. Other girls may be ready earlier, and those are their decisions, too.

]]> I always thought that I was pretty old when I had sex for the first time (19), but Alan Guttmacher Institute reports that I was completely average. It turns out that 70% of unmarried teens in American have sex by the time they are 19. (OK, fine I was on the older end of the spectrum, but whatever.) I waited, despite intense pressure from a boyfriend in high school, because I wasn't ready and I knew it. It was a good decision for me. Other girls may be ready earlier, and those are their decisions, too.

However, a new study found that thoughtful sex education for 6th graders in a low income school in Philadelphia helped kids delay their first sex experience. Calling it abstinence education, as The New York Times does in today's otherwise excellent op-ed is a misnomer:

It did not advocate abstinence until marriage but urged students to wait until they were more mature. It encouraged abstinence as a way to eliminate the risk of pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases, had youngsters draw up lists of the pros and cons of sexual activity, and taught strategies for resisting pressure to have intercourse.

A curriculum that helps junior high kids think through the pros and cons of waiting until they are mature enough to have sex is actually better described as sex education that prepares people for life. Almost no human being abstains from sex for his or her entire life. Teaching kids only to say no until marriage does not prepare them for the day that they say "I do," and all the years that they'll say yes after that. Even married couples need to know how to protect themselves. (Of course, the agenda behind many of these proponents of abstinence education have no interest in helping married couples prevent unwanted pregnancies or the spread of STDs, either. The special world they inhabit, no one has sex before marriage - except boys because that's what men do - or strays, and obviously there is nothing to worry about when it comes to infecting a partner.)

Am I crazy to think it is OK to introduce kids to the idea that they should wait until they are ready to have sex, and as they get older, teach them about what they can do to be sexually healthy teens and adults? Maybe not. Emily at Feminist Looking Glass has some important doubts about this latest study, but she also notes that:

the study focuses on delayed behaviors– not safer ones. Nowhere in the NYT article does the author call in to question whether the goal of sex education should be to delay sex, or teach healthy, safe methods? Is this about not having sex early, or not having sex dangerously?

In the midst of a post about a disturbing racially exploitative ad campaign that a "right-to-life" group in Georgia is running, Renee at Womanist Musings reminds people why thoughtful sex education programs are needed in low income schools:

The way to stop abortion is not by outlawing it but by ensuring that sex education is offered from an early age. We already know that schools which are located in impoverished neighbourhoods fall short in terms of education. Is it not possible to suggest a co-relation between this fact and a lack of good sex education?

And maybe that's what has me most nervous about this new study. Good programs usually cost money. And schools that are looking to save money take the easiest cuts. Introducing kids to the idea that they should wait to have sex is only great when more information is offered later. Otherwise, you get back to Emily's point that we are only delaying kids from engaging in risky behavior. Further, it is entirely possible that the other control groups had less success in discouraging kids from having sex at a young age because they also didn't let kids go through the same pros and cons process as the "abstinence" group did. Are we comparing apples to apples or are we talking about bananas and kumquats?

Helping kids understand their sexuality is an important step in preparing them for their relationships and lives as men and women. We can think about this in a compartmentalized way, or we can think about it as a lifelong education course that people of all genders can benefit from.

Suzanne also blogs at Campaign for Unshaved Snatch (CUSS) & Other Rants and is the author of Off the Beaten (Subway) Track.

]]> Why Black History Month Still Matters http://www.blogher.com/why-black-history-month-still-matters 2010-02-08T16:33:23-06:00 2010-02-08T19:50:15-06:00 Kim Pearson The stories that a nation tells about its history provide a foundation for building community, creating institutions and transmitting values. For a pluralistic democracy such as the United States, the work that historians call "constructing a usable past" is vital to the task of building a future.

]]> The stories that a nation tells about its history provide a foundation for building community, creating institutions and transmitting values. For a pluralistic democracy such as the United States, the work that historians call "constructing a usable past" is vital to the task of building a future. That's why it's imperative that people who want that future to be built on principles of inclusion, mutual respect and genuinely equal opportunity should understand and embrace commemorations such as Black History Month.

Let me start with a disclosure: I am a member of the advisory board of the Association for the Study of African American Life and History (ASALH), the organization that founded what is now known as Black History Month. I receive no compensation for that position; I do it to repay a debt to educators and scholars whose work was essential to my survival and development. The views presented here are strictly my own, and do not represent the opinions of ASALH.

The learning opportunities afforded by Black History Month (and other related celebrations devoted to the history of other groups who have been traditionally under-represented or misrepresented in social studies curricula) offer the following benefits:

  • They can help children of African descent form a positive self-concept and a critical perspective on the negative propaganda about blackness that continues to encourage self-sabotaging behavior among black youth.
  • They can promote informed conversation about "race" because the historical formation of the concept of "blackness" is linked to the process by which "whiteness" was constructed. As Judy Helfand explains: "Whiteness is defined by determining who is not white; it is defined as the superior opposite of non-white."
  • They offer insight and context for contemporary policy debates, such as the furor over former Rep. Tom Tancredo's recent claim that President Obama was elected because we lack a "civics literacy test" as a qualification for voting.
  • The 2010 Black History Month theme, the History of Black Empowerment, is relevant to contemporary efforts to achieve genuine economic recovery

A Personal Journey

When i was growing up in black working-class neighborhoods in Camden, New Jersey, and Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, I did not see people who looked like me doing the kinds of things Iliked Wikimedia portrait of Sarah Vaughanto do: reading books, taking Saturday morning science classes, collecting rocks, writing poems. One day in elementary school, though, I found ASALH's Encyclopedia of Negro History on a bookcase at the Friends' Neighborhood Guild. I can still remember the delicious shock of poring over profiles of black inventors, scholars and artists.

I did not know then what I know now, that Carter G. Woodson, a child of slaves who became the second African American to earn a doctorate in history at Harvard, founded ASALH in 1915 to redress the "mis-education of the Negro" (a term that became the title of his most famous book. In addition to the encyclopedia that held me in thrall, Woodson founded two

journals that are still publishing: the Journal of African American History, found today in many university libraries, and the Black History Bulletin, targeted to middle and secondary-school teachers. 

When I flipped through Woodson's encyclopedia, I remember, especially, being transfixed by a glamorous portrait of singer Sarah Vaughan, (pictured above, left). She had skin like mine, a nose like mine and hair like mine, and she was beautiful and successful. This was heady stuff in 1966, and it opened a crack in my very limited view of what a black woman could become. (It was only later, upon further study, that I learned how colorism had kept her from appreciating her dark chocolate skin, and that her success was circumscribed by patriarchy.)

In high school, I learned of WEB DuBois and Paul Robeson, further confirming my growing belief in the power of principled scholarship and culture work. However, I was nearly 40 by the time I discovered Jessie Fauset, who had come from my home town, gone to my high school, and become the magazine editor who first published Langston Hughes, Countee Cullen and many of the other writers we now associate with the Harlem Renaissance. Despite my educational privilege I was 20 years out of journalism school before Patricia Hill Collins and David Mindich helped me understand why Ida B. Wells' exposure of Southern lynching and northern complicity had been ignored by my undergraduate history and politics professors and my graduate school journalism teachers. 

Today, when I teach my occasional class on WEB DuBois, or Race, Gender and the News, I still meet students who tell me that they've never encountered most of the American history we are studying. Others told me that while they may know some names, dates and places, they haven't been taught to think systematically about how African American or multicultural history helps to shape the nation in which they live today, regardless of their own racial or ethnic identification. A more comprehensive understanding of African American history would, I submit, substantially improve our civic discourse.

Robin Roberts Reads To Children For Black History Month

In other words, I agree with the Rev. Irene Monroe who rejected arguments against Black History Month by contending, "In order to move forward, you must look back."

 

Backlash and Confusion

 

In making this argument, let me acknowledge the anger and confusion that some people have around the rituals popularly associated with Black History Month. Womanist-Musings, for example, has been a vocal progressive critic of the way that corporations that market unhealthy products or engage in problematic labor practices use Black History Month as a marketing opportunity:

"Why should black history month be any different than any other public celebration?  That's right, commodify the shit out of it and then pretend that we seriously value it.  We certainly shouldn't be taking the time to educate children about the struggles of their ancestors through conversation, or even visit sites that are important in African Diaspora history, when we can conveniently purchase something to prove that we are culturally aware."

(A side note here - the history of the kind of cause-related marketing she's criticizing is an interesting African American history moment in and of itself. Moss Kendrix is credited with convincing corporations such as Coca-Cola to market products to black and urban markets in the 1950s and 60s. Many viewed his efforts as a step forward, because it gave black media and ad agencies access to advertising and promotional dollars that had been unavailable before. Many also also saw it as a way to break down stereotypes. When I was in corporate PR in the 1980s, I still read accounts of corporate advertisers being admonished that black consumers don't just buy cigarettes, alcohol and cars. As late as 2004, broadcasting personality Tom Joyner found it necessary to campaign against a major media buying organization that labeled urban radio stations ad being full of "suspects, not prospects.")

Mural with Carter G. Woodson quote

(media credit: DB King, Flickr)

Let's also dispense with the kind of faux controversy that the musician Questlove set off when he posted a picture of the soul food menu in the NBC cafeteria. He later said he posted the picture because he thought the sign was funny, but a national discussion ensued over whether a racial offense had been committed. What's really unfortunate about the incident is that this non-story dominates the Google Blogsearch results for the term "Black History Month" when there are many substantive issues to consider.

 

Tom Tancredo's Toxic Brew

Former Rep. Tom Tancredo (R-CO) stirred up some of those issues this past weekend with his speech at the Tea Party convention. His speech was a call to arms against what he claimed was a decades-long drift toward socialism accelerated by President Obama:

"It seemed as though we were doomed to experience the political equivalent of the proverbial frog in the water syndrome. Every year, the liberal Democrats and RINO Republicans turned the temp up ever so slightly till it seemed we would all be boiled to death in the cauldron of the nanny state. "And then, because we don’t have a civics literacy test to vote, people who couldn’t even spell vote, or say it in English, put a committed socialist ideologue in the White House named Barack Hussein Obama. He immediately turned up the heat under that cauldron so high and so quick that people started jumping out of the water all over the place."

After critics, such as Chicago Tribune columnist Clarence Page, lambasted Tancredo for endorsing a practice that was historically used to keep African Americans from voting, Tancredo issued a statement denying any racist intent to his proposal.

Pro-democracy protest for Iran in Washington

However, as a former social studies teacher who launched his political career in 1975 when his school district introduced bilingual education, there's little doubt that he understood the incendiary history associated with these kinds of tests.

 

In 2004, my former student Scott Hoover created an interactive version of the Alabama literacy test that you can try out for yourself. I'm pleased to report, by the way, that Scott's work is going to be turned into an exhibit at the new International Civil Rights Museum, which opened Feb. 1 in Greensboro, North Carolina, on the site where the sit-in movement began exactly 50 years before.

I don't know what Tancredo thinks of educational projects such as Scott's or the International Civil RIghts Museum, but he's an avowed opponent of what calls the "cult of multiculturalism," a phrase he credits to blogger Michelle Malkin in on of his audio commentaries. In that commentary, he describes a purported "civil war" being waged by left-wingers intent on presenting American history in the worst possible light. He further mused on this theme in a radio interview last December, where he acknowledged the hardships endured by Native Americans and African Americans but asked:

"Now the question that we have to ask ourselves and certainly African Americans have to ask themselves is: Are they better off as a result of the fact that they came under any conditions? And it does not mean for a second–let me reiterate– it does not for a second mean that slavery was a good thing, that we should be happy about it. It is a black mark on our society and all societies that have had it since the beginning of time. Or recorded time… It doesn’t mean it is good. Is someone better off today in the United States of America as a result that they came under–or are Native Americans better off as a result that people came here from the West and created the society that we have here? Or would they have been better off if that had not happened?"

 

Tancredo is often dismissed as a fringe figure, but his claims about American history reflect a larger movement by some conservative academics and activists to discredit, and in some cases distort, multiculturalist scholarship. His efforts strike me as similar to those members of the Texas State Board of Education who want to revise that state's social studies standards to downplay such topics and civil rights in favor of greater emphasis on teaching about conservative leaders such as Ronald Reagan and Phyllis Schlafly.

The bottom line is that the discussion of the proper way to understand and teach American history, including the experience of African Americans, is part of the debate over the core values that will guide public policy in this country. Becoming acquainted with the credible, peer-reviewed scholarship in the field is one great way to prepare for the debate that may be coming to your school district sooner than you think.

Related: 

Sarah Vaughan portrait from Wikimedia Commons

ASALH posters from ASALH

Robin Roberts and Tom Tancredo images from Picapp.com

Kim
BlogHer Contributing Editor|KimPearson.net|

]]> A Different Take On Interracial Relationships: Questioning The Motives Of Our Mates And Ourselves http://www.blogher.com/different-take-interracial-relationships-questioning-motives-our-mates-and-ourselves 2010-02-08T16:00:26-06:00 2010-02-08T15:56:51-06:00 lainad Many of us live in diverse communities where we interact with a culturally diverse group of people, but because I work in the downtown core in a large, metropolitan city, I understand that for some their racial tolerance has a short expiry date, ending at 5pm on Friday afternoons. Once they get off the commuter train and reach their homes in the suburbs, that tolerance goes out the window. But in this day and age, I'm of the opinion that anyone who has issues with their children dating or marrying across racial lines should have raised them in a forest or under a rock.

]]> Many of us live in diverse communities where we interact with a culturally diverse group of people, but because I work in the downtown core in a large, metropolitan city, I understand that for some their racial tolerance has a short expiry date, ending at 5pm on Friday afternoons. Once they get off the commuter train and reach their homes in the suburbs, that tolerance goes out the window. But in this day and age, I'm of the opinion that anyone who has issues with their children dating or marrying across racial lines should have raised them in a forest or under a rock.

There is still a great concern about dating in the Obama age, and it is quite evident by the amount of posts that have shown up on the 'Net. Personally, I've been having a bit of blogger fatigue about reading and writing about interracial relationships, but recently I came across two great blog posts that managed to challenge my opinion on interracial relationships.

Macon D runs Stuff White People Do and invited two guest bloggers to talk about their dating experiences. One of the bloggers, CL, is Asian and involved with a white guy, with whom she has trouble discussing the reactions she gets from strangers who take issue with her relationship. This has caused her to question her motivation for getting involved with a white dude.

The other guest blogger, fromthetropics, describes herself as mixed-cultured. She was previously in a relationship with a white guy:

I hated hearing about the time he lived in Asia. I could sense that he was not fully aware of how white privilege worked in nuanced ways through him and his mates. I could picture the kind of people who would have wanted to befriend him, the kind who see white as "desirable," and how his white mates would have behaved. The instant celebrity status would have gotten to some of their heads. (Some of their stories corroborated my hunches.)

How do I know all this? I have lived in China, where they either treated me as a Westerner or Japanese. The kind who made the most effort to spend time with me saw these foreign characteristics about me as "desirable." A bunch of us foreigners got invited to a birthday party, and once there realized that we, not the birthday girl, were the main attraction. They treated us well, but I felt uncomfortable that we were invited specifically for our privilege.

But my then partner didn't seem aware or bothered by this type of nuanced privilege...

Both guest bloggers raise some very interesting questions. For people of color, what is our motivation for dating "outside" our cultural, or ethno-cultural, community? Are we ingrained with the belief that by dating/marrying a white person, we are overcoming our internalized self-hatred? How do we talk about race and racism with our significant others, and what do we do when they choose not to take our concerns and/or our personal experiences with racism, seriously?

There are 95 comments (and counting) to this post, and most of them are quite substantial ... and full of pain. There are married folks who have come to the realization that they cannot speak to their partners about a racist incident they have experienced without feeling ridiculed or dismissed. There are people who are clearly fetishizing their Asian and black girlfriends and wives and are not even aware of it.

With the recent controversy over Essence putting Reggie Bush, who is in an interracial relationship, on its cover, we know that, while we live in a society where people from different cultures mingle with each other in the workplace, tolerance does not exist within their own personal relationships and the relationships their friends and family members have with others. But there are many women dating interracially, and there are a number of reasons as to why they do.

I've written before about black women who choose to date/marry interracially, and how they are saddled with the fear that the men that they let into their lives might believe that they are going to "act a certain way or do certain things" because of their ethnicity.

According to a recent post on Racialicious, Asian women are also burdened with racial and sexual stereotypes that make dating more difficult:

For me, one of the worst things about Asiaphilia, is that it turns me speechless. It upsets me on such a deep and visceral level, that despite my chattypants nature, when an exasperated non-Asian (usually a white guy) asks me what's so bad about liking Asian girls, I have no words to explain it.

What made me change my mind about how I view posts on interracial dating was the similarities I had with many of the people who wrote in. I have previously wondered if, by dating white dudes, I secretly thought that I was more socially superior to other black women. Or to blacks in general.

I have been in several interracial relationships. The last one was with a man who dated black women to use them as physical and emotional punching bags. He felt that white girls were out of his reach, and while he clearly knew that he had certain ahem, psychological and sexual "issues" (namely, that black women were perfectly okay for him to exercise his demons on), he chose not to seek help for them. I only found out (via other black women who had encountered him, knew that we were dating, but only revealed this information only after I called the police) after it was too late. I haven't dated anyone since then (five years ago) and to this day, knowing that I unwittingly let someone like that into my life still makes me feel sick to my stomach.

The guy before that was Estonian. He was one of those guys who was so wrapped up in his white privilege that he refused to acknowledge that anything was amiss when his friends pointedly refused to acknowledge my existence (wouldn't even look or talk to me) when we were out with them in public. He also refused to acknowledge the motives of his brother and his then-fiancée, who pulled me aside and ordered me to break up with him. I found out –- only after I told him -- that his brother was telling him the same thing.

The one before that, admittedly the love of my life and the hardest one to forget, dumped me for an Asian woman (now his wife) in part because she was "gentle" and would do things for him (like giving him a sponge bath on their first date) and I was "intimidating." While I know in my heart what an awful human being he is, it still hurts.

Yes, I really know how to pick them. I have spent the past five years trying to evaluate my choices and my feelings about the choices that I made and I still do not have an answer. I have received some flack from people I know about my choices, but what bothered me from reading these recent posts what how I felt about myself. Because of what I choose to write about and my other activist contributions, I know I am proud to be who I am ... but why did I let these idiots into my life?

What do you think?

Contributing Editor - Race, Ethnicity & Culture

Blog: Writing is Fighting: www.lainad.typepad.com

Writer: Hellbound: www.hellbound.ca

]]> Vintage-Inspired Hair Accessories http://www.blogher.com/vintage-inspired-hair-accessories 2010-02-08T16:00:00-06:00 2010-02-08T16:42:24-06:00 Nina Moon Don't you ever feel a little jealous of the fancy British women that get to wear fancy little hats to equestrian events and such? Is it just me? Okay, maybe I don't want to wear a two-foot-high fascinator, but I think that a little bit of hair bling doesn't hurt anybody. Michelle Obama nearly single-handedly brought back the brooch with her vintage and vintage-inspired statement pins, but I confess I'm still not apt to wear a big brooch on my sweater. But in my hair? That's a trend I can get behind.

]]> Don't you ever feel a little jealous of the fancy British women that get to wear fancy little hats to equestrian events and such? Is it just me? Okay, maybe I don't want to wear a two-foot-high fascinator, but I think that a little bit of hair bling doesn't hurt anybody. Michelle Obama nearly single-handedly brought back the brooch with her vintage and vintage-inspired statement pins, but I confess I'm still not apt to wear a big brooch on my sweater. But in my hair? That's a trend I can get behind.

Lutea Barette at Anthropologie

Filigree Genetian Barette at Anthropologie

See? Just a wee bit of bling. Wear it tucked into a bun, or to pin back your side-swept bangs or use it to hold just a bit of your long hair back from your face.

Victorian Paste Hair Clip at Carole Tanenbaum

This piece is an actual vintage piece (circa 1910) from Michelle Obama's vintage jeweler of choice. It's beautiful and expensive, but a great example of how vintage hair accessories can work for modern women. This clip could work for practically any outfit -- from suits and dresses to jeans and a t-shirt.

little star hair comb at chrystalyn

cranberry hair comb at chrystalyn

I love these more casual hair combs from chrystalyn. Most days my hair is swept back into a functional ponytail, but these hair combs would make it easy to add just a little bit of fun and whimsy to an otherwise boring everyday hairstyle.


Flapper Inspired Fascinator at LoveCharlie

Fascinators have made a come-back, particularly for wedding wear, but they're perfect for other special events. A fascinator may be a bit much for a run to the grocery or a day at the office, but what about a night out with your girlfriends or that special someone? I love how this particular fascinator reinterprets the silk flowers and feathers used in classic fascinators with pleated cloth flowers, buttons and just a few flowers for height.

I really don't think those posh British women should be getting all the fun while normal folks are stuck wearing conservative hair bands and clips made to blend in with our hair. It's okay to stand out, even just once in a while, and vintage-inspired hair accessories are a great way to add a bit of interest to an outfit while being as subtle or over-the-top as you'd like.

Nina Moon also blogs at Sweet Disarray.

]]> Let's Talk About Sex, Mommy http://www.blogher.com/too-tired-sex-not-now-hopefully-not-ever-again 2010-02-08T13:22:57-06:00 2010-02-08T13:22:57-06:00 Rita Arens Physical changes. Exhaustion. Fights. Late nights. Early mornings. Weight gain. Money worries. Busy schedules.

Sounds sexy, doesn't it?

You'd think once you get partnered up with someone, the sex would be easy, accessible and free-flowing. Or at least not a chore. So why are so many mommies lacking in libido? The explanation may have nothing to do with you or your physical make-up and everything to do with your schedule. Put down the K-Y and let's discuss.

]]> Physical changes. Exhaustion. Fights. Late nights. Early mornings. Weight gain. Money worries. Busy schedules.

Sounds sexy, doesn't it?

You'd think once you get partnered up with someone, the sex would be easy, accessible and free-flowing. Or at least not a chore. So why are so many mommies lacking in libido? The explanation may have nothing to do with you or your physical make-up and everything to do with your schedule. Put down the K-Y and let's discuss.

Sex often happens at the same time that you might otherwise be sleeping, and even in the same place that you might otherwise be sleeping. Moms -- new or otherwise -- take a serious physical challenge every day, from feeding babies in the wee hours of morning to driving teens to baseball games that start at 10 on a weeknight. I wish I could say the physical element of parenting eases off after the preschool years, but my mommy friends with teenagers tell me they stay up until the last one sneaks in the door and spend nights fretting over teen pregnancy and college entrance exams. If you're not getting enough sleep, you're going to be fiercely protective of that bed.

PhD in Parenting literally compares sleep to sex for the parents of newborns:

If you have a newborn baby in your house, you may be starved for sleep. If you are the spouse of a woman who recently pushed a baby out of her vagina you may be starved for sex. If you are starved for sleep or starved for sex, then you might, as Ann explained, be obsessed with it, be thinking about when you last had it, how great it felt when you had it, and what you can do to get some again.

So don't beat yourself up too bad, new mommies: If you don't feel human, you probably don't want sex. And temporarily, that's okay.

The problems start when the babies get older and you're still not getting any. You're balancing the checkbook at 11 p.m. You're packing lunches in cut-off sweats instead of luxuriating in a hot tub with your lover. In the meantime, it seems every other couple is getting it on four times a week while you can barely bring yourself to stay awake for the end of Grey's Anatomy. Do you need a pill? Is there a magic pill for this? If there are pills for restless legs, shouldn't there be one for a deflated G-spot?

Sarah at J. LaMore takes offense to the search for female Viagra:

I don't think my libido is the problem here Mr. White Coat! Now what! Besides, I have to take issue with drug companies always trying to figure out a way to fix a problem that may or may not be a medical situation. Can you make a pill that gives me more time in the day, that when you take it a babysitter shows up (that's free of course), as well as a bottle of champagne, a sexy teddy and some candles! Make a pill like that and I'm in! (While you're at it, if you could throw in a little better body I would greatly appreciate it. Remember, I'm no longer in my 20's.)

I've got to say that I agree. While there are many legitimate physical problems that can make sex seem as much fun as combing your hair with an egg slicer, sometimes it just seems like too much work.

Karin Greenberg writes her husband an instructional letter on Open Salon:

The good news is that it's a very simple system. Despite what you think, my lack of sexual appetite has nothing to do with you losing your hair, gaining 20 pounds, or making less money. It's much more basic than that: You help me keep my energy up, I have enough energy to have sex with you when we get into bed at night.

So! What have we learned? Sex is not fun when you're exhausted. It doesn't mean you can't bring your A game ever again -- it means you probably need to get some sleep, be open to low-energy quickies and maybe encourage your partner to nibble your ear somewhere other than the bedroom and earlier than midnight. Trying to get between a fatigued woman and her thread count is a recipe for disaster.

Spending time feeling bad that you don't want sex is pointless. Spend time instead thinking about which little changes you could make in your life that would boost your energy and free up a half hour in your day when you could get horizontal. Hello, DVD player, my old friend. Hello, neighbor-who-sends-her-kids-to-my-house-every-Saturday. Hello, naptime. Hello, baseball practice. Hello, lock on my bedroom door.

Goodbye, thinking I'm too old and fat and tired to be desirable.

You're still hot, mamas.

For those that want to leave a sex book lying about the boudoir, check out:

]]> BlogHer of the Week: Dearest Fatty http://www.blogher.com/blogher-week-dearest-fatty 2010-02-08T10:34:29-06:00 2010-02-08T10:38:18-06:00 Lisa Stone "Raise a glass to mend," scrawls Lady Gaga on a t-shirt she's selling for Valentine's Day, "all the broken hearts of my wrecked up friends." We've heard -- and heaven knows seen -- lots of over-the-top-rawness from this performer lately. But how much is designed to sell t-shirts and how much is actually real?

]]> "Raise a glass to mend," scrawls Lady Gaga on a t-shirt she's selling for Valentine's Day, "all the broken hearts of my wrecked up friends." We've heard -- and heaven knows seen -- lots of over-the-top-rawness from this performer lately. But how much is designed to sell t-shirts and how much is actually real?

As beautifully, achingly real as, say, a blogger who calls herself Dearest Fatty. This week Fatty took self-exposure to a new level of raw in an essay she called Fatty faces up to the mirror.

"A wedding should be a happy occasion and you ARE so very happy for the bride and groom, but face it, you are terrified of having to buy a dress, horrified about the limited choices available to you and mortified of how you know you will look in the wedding photos.

"You found a dress..."

Dearest Fatty writes to the most naked self in her essay. With lovely prose she builds the tension between the woman struggling into a dress in a dressing room and a brutally honest internal observer. Forget nudity -- Fatty strips her own emotions down to bare bone, exposing day-to-day coping mechanisms that fail when her body is forced under the glare of dressing-room lights.

"You have no full length mirrors at home, instead you dress with the help of a mirror the size of an A4 piece of paper, that way you can only see one bit at a time...its a system that works for you.

"You undress and can't help but see your whole body in one go.

"Poor Fatty. It must feel like a hermit who hasn't seen his own face for 20 years, on account of living in the mountains in a cave, getting cleaned up and having a shave. Where DID my young face go?"

As Fatty faces the stranger in the mirror and wonders after the self she used to know, she finds room for compassion. Compassion and hope that she shares out loud, using her guest blog on BlogHer.com as a megaphone to comfort herself as loudly and as anonymously as possible: "I love you."

To us that seems the finest use of words -- or a stage. For real courage, Dearest Fatty is our BlogHer of the Week.

Thanks to everyone for continuing to send in your nominated posts. Remember to nominate individual posts, not entire blogs, and keep them coming! If you want to check out all the BlogHer of the Week posts, check out the BlogHer of the Week archive.

Best,
Lisa

For Elisa, Lisa and Jory
BlogHer Co-founders

Lisa Stone BlogHer Co-founder Surfette BlogHer is non-partisan but our bloggers aren't! Follow our coverage of Politics & News.

]]> Loveys: My Son's Doggie http://www.blogher.com/my-sons-doggie 2010-02-08T09:53:51-06:00 2010-02-08T13:04:46-06:00 cutiebootycakes When I was preparing for motherhood I learned so many new and fascinating things. For instance, I needed to monitor the number of times my son peed and pooped. I also had to figure out the right amount of time between diaper changes. If it is a little wet, do I change him? Or do I wait?

]]> When I was preparing for motherhood I learned so many new and fascinating things. For instance, I needed to monitor the number of times my son peed and pooped. I also had to figure out the right amount of time between diaper changes. If it is a little wet, do I change him? Or do I wait?

I nursed my son so I didn't want to give him a pacifier but in the hospital they did give him one, to calm him when they took him for weighing and bathing. Although I never saw the paci in my son's mouth, the fact that there was one in the crib proved that at the very least, the hospital staff tried to give him the pacifier. Thankfully, he never had nipple confusion and didn't use a pacifier. My boobs sufficed.

In addition to these very important aspects of the parenting experience I also was introduced to the concept of a "lovey". Until I read about a lovey on a message board, I'd never heard that phrase before but I assumed that a lovey was similar to "Linus' blanket." Remember Linus? He wouldn't go anywhere without that threadbare blanket.

I read stories of mothers purchasing multiple "loveys" in the event that one was lost. Losing a "lovey" could result in a nuclear meltdown of never before seen proportions and having a "spare" on hand would keep the peace. When reading these stories I was reminded of the Bernie Mac episode when baby girl left her doll at the beach. Screaming ensued and Bernie was forced to explore a closed beach under the light of the moon in search for the baby doll. After seeing and hearing such horror stories, I decided to watch my son closely for signs of a deep rooted attachment to inanimate objects. For the first 2 and a half years of his life he was cool. He had toys that he enjoyed but none that was a go to toy. This was pleasing to me because I can only imagine the hell he would give me if He had such an item and I was unable to locate it. 

Well, this Christmas, something happened that has changed the landscape. My son "adopted" my mother's black Gund poodle during our holiday visit. He has seen that dog on numerous occasions but this time he decided that the dog belonged to him and he had to take "doggie" home. I assumed this would not be a big deal - the dog has a bit of history and actually it is fitting for it to be in my son's possession.  Several years ago, when my son wasn't even a twinkle in my eye, my mother was extremely sick and hospitalized for a month. While doctors tried to determine her diagnosis (where is House when you need him?) I gave her another toy dog for comfort during times when I was unable to be with her. That dog disappeared. So, I got her the poodle and put a red ribbon "leash" on him and tied him to her bed. No more disappearing acts. My mother loved her dog. 

Over Christmas, my mother was hospitalized again. My son missed her tremendously and this is when he developed the attachment for "doggie." Now, "doggie" is my son's new best friend. He must have "doggie" with him at night to sleep. When we leave the house he wants "doggie" to accompany us. I don't allow this unless we are traveling away from home overnight. I wouldn't want anything to happen to "doggie" during one of our jaunts around town - especially since "doggie" has been discontinued and I have been unable to find a duplicate in case of emergency. Yes, I have looked for one because my son really believes "doggie" is his pet. He will call for "doggie, black doggie" when he is searching for him in the house. He has placed the doggie on the potty and he talks to his "doggie" all the time. 

I am watching this toy like a hawk. When my son traveled with me to a conference this past weekend as soon as we hit the road he asked for "doggie." With my infinite parenting wisdom, I'd packed the toy and let my son know he was safely traveling in the back of the car. I predict that "doggie" will remain my son's best friend and will become threadbare like Linus' blanket. I plan on continuing the search for an emergency replacement for "doggie" and in the meantime will keep close watch on that dog. Perhaps this is a phase and my son's love for this particular toy will die down but I will continue to cover all the bases just to be safe. 

For more tales of parenting read:

Modern Mami

New York City Single Mom

A Southern Fairy Tale

Renee is a BlogHer Mommy and Family Contributing Editor and the author of a personal blog, Cutie Booty Cakes

]]> Super Ad Sunday (And A Football Game) http://www.blogher.com/super-ad-sunday-and-football-game 2010-02-08T00:28:16-06:00 2010-02-08T14:49:35-06:00 Maria Niles As has been true for the past few years, the football was more interesting than the commercials during this year's Super Bowl. Nevertheless, I, like many, sat down eager to watch both the game and the ads.

]]> As has been true for the past few years, the football was more interesting than the commercials during this year's Super Bowl. Nevertheless, I, like many, sat down eager to watch both the game and the ads.


Who Dat? Geaux Saints!

From what I've seen online, reaction was very mixed to most ads. Though I think there were some clear trends in opinion.

1. Ads that are relevant to the event might be worth $2.75 million.

Spots for NFL.com and Vizio internet-enabled televisions during a football game broadcast on TV and followed on the internet seemed to garner the most interest in actually using the products advertised.

2. People appreciate sweetness and humor.

I saw lots of appreciation for the awww-inducing Google "Parisian Love" search ad and the funny Audi Green Police spot. And, I think everyone agrees that Betty White is both sweet and wickedly funny.

3. Sex really does sell.

For all the complaints about the tired repetitive use of the promise of seeing Danica Patrick's boobies, for many people who use Go Daddy as a domain registrar they don't care, don't know, figure their good deeds outweigh the offensive ads, price trumps outrage or boobies + cheap domains = yay! Go Daddy wouldn't continue to spend millions each year if the ads weren't effective.

Network Solutions domain transfer offer is genius counter programming, however. Even though it seems to respond to the head scratching Boost Mobile Superbowl Shuffle ad, it works for those who want to leave Go Daddy in protest of their commercials.

4. Advertisers don't like women and find hitting people hilarious.

Although I saw women singing the praises of each individual ad (with the possible exception of Go Daddy), the general consensus seemed to be that misogyny was a bit too rampant this year. Men were told to buy cars in exchange for putting up with the crap women give them, take off their skirts and pick tires over their wives just to name a few messages.

And then there were the numerous spots this year that involved people punching someone. Several times it was kids hitting adults which seems to mean it's OK but I saw lots of tweets about the message it was sending about a culture of permissible violence. Although this is during football. And I have to sheepishly admit that the Doritos "House Rules" spot involving the objectification of women and a kid hitting a grownup plus the bonus evil of promoting junk food to kids made me and my 12-year-old nephew laugh the hardest. Handing in my feminist card now.

5. Did I just see that?

Yes, Denny's doesn't know the difference between a rooster and a hen. No, I don't know either why a surreal acid trip of stupid human tricks is supposed to make me want to eat nuts and popcorn. No, I'm not a furry but I liked that Kia ad for some inside baseball reasons. Yes, I know I'm the only one.

My winners:

1. Michelob Ultra
Not the most exciting of ads but on point. Linking the low-carb, low-calorie beer that targets the athletic crowd with the aspirational fat-free Lance Armstrong works. They have a good chance of hitting their target market with the Super Bowl audience and can use it long after the game to reinforce their message.

2. Vizio
Like a good chunk of the population I watched the game on my TV and simultaneously surfed the web. A TV that has built in internet access and apps? Color me intrigued and a potential customer.

3. Kia Sorrento
While I was chair dancing to The Heavy, the message was getting lost in the LOLing and cringing over the giant sock monkey and vaguely sex toy-ish children's character. But, if they keep running this I think eventually folks will notice that they are advertising the same feature as Lexus did during the game - a simplified push button start. Now, I have no idea what that means but I do know that Kia offers the same features at a fraction of the price of Lexus. Sold.

4. NFL.com
Yes. I now know that I can have my heart warmed, its strings tugged and stay connected to professional football year-round at NFL.com. Clear. Direct. Effective.

5. Budweiser
Baby longhorn cow grows up to be BFF with a Clydesdale. Personally I didn't love this one nor will it get me to drink Bud but I bet it will win the various best super bowl ad competitions. For that alone it's a winner.

Biggest Losers:

Too many to choose from but Bridgestone reminded me to buy Michelin. And the much talked about Tim Tebow for Focus on the Family spot ended up being too subtle to preach to anybody but the converted and caused everyone else to scratch their head when he inexplicably tackled his mother.

Which ads were your favorites? Which ones did you think were epic fails?

Related Reading:

Bill Carter at Media Decoder: How the Letterman-Oprah-Leno Super Bowl Ad Came Together

Miguel Helft at Bits: Is Google Running a Super Bowl Ad?

Bob Garfield at AdAge: WWJD? He'd Skip Most of This Year's Super Bowl Ads

Time Magazine TV critic James Poniewozik: @poniewozik

Conundrum: CBS won't run gay-dating ad; runs tons of ads that say men can't stand to be around women. #brandbowl

BlogHer CE Maria Niles blogs brands at Fizz and TV at Beyond Help.

BlogHer Contributing Editor PopConsumer Beyond Help

]]> Who is Your Literary Crush? http://www.blogher.com/who-your-literary-crush 2010-02-07T18:38:19-06:00 2010-02-08T14:00:56-06:00 sassymonkey You can't stop thinking about them. You know how they talk and how they walk. You can even read their thoughts. It's L-O-V-E. There's just one teeny, tiny problem. They aren't real. You are crushing on a literary character.

]]> You can't stop thinking about them. You know how they talk and how they walk. You can even read their thoughts. It's L-O-V-E. There's just one teeny, tiny problem. They aren't real. You are crushing on a literary character.

I've been thinking about literary crushes since I read Kayla's post at Chained Maiden about her addiction to earls and dukes. I've been known to fall for the charms of a titled man myself.

He's handsome and dashing and with the curve of his smile all the women in Britain have swooned and fainted. Of course he'll dash in and save you from your horrible whoring, Miss Tempest LaRouge or his name isn't Lord Alistair Stapleton of Derbyshire, of the Northumberland Stapleton stock. What's that? You were born a bastard? Nothing to fear my love, I have grown tired of the ton since meeting you and consequentially falling in love with you despite my firm belief of bachelorhood.

What I loved about Kayla's post is how she went from the fantasy above to the reality. Sure, that special person in our life may not sit around resting on the laurels of their ten thousand a year. They may not buy us diamond and emerald necklaces but they sure do buy us flowers. Or running shoes. In my case, he does the dishes. That's certainly nothing you will ever see a Georgette Heyer hero do. Of course, none of the women on those stories cooked either, but if they did, let me tell you those women would swoon over a partner that does the dishes.

Sometimes it's just that it's fun to let ourselves go and to crush on someone like Mr. Rochester, who was voted the romantic male literary character of all time. (I'm sorry, I've read Jane Eyre and I still don't get the Mr. Rochester attraction.)

Annie at Old People Writing for Teens wants to know: What makes you swoon?

Is it the way he looks, or how he treats the female love interest? Like all women, I find different traits attractive in a man, but I think we all like the unattainable guy that only shows his softer side to the girl he loves.

I found all kinds of women talking about their literary crushes. At The Lit Connection, T.Y. divided her literary crushes into good boys and bad boys. She threw in some crushable authors for good measure as well.

Kaitlin Ward didn't just include her crushes, but also the writers she wants to be. Let's hear it for crushing on words!

I will forgive Rhiannon Hart's list of literary crushes for including Mr. Rochester, as she also includes Captain Wentworth. I love me some Cap't Wentworth. Despite my often-proclaimed love of Pride and Prejudice, I think that Wentworth is actually my favourite Austen hero. Julie Kagawa prefers Mr. Darcy but well, I did for a long time too, so I certainly can't fault her.

This post by a contributor at SparkNotes is probably the most interesting literary crush list that I've seen. Draco Malfoy and Atticus Finch on the same list?

I know you have a list. Who's on it?

Contributing Editor Sassymonkey also blogs at Sassymonkey and Sassymonkey Reads.

]]> Let the Decorating Begin http://www.blogher.com/let-decorating-begin 2010-02-07T17:11:55-06:00 2010-02-07T17:14:29-06:00 Zandria It wasn't until recently that I became interested in decorating. When I was living with my sisters throughout my late teens to mid-twenties, doing anything with my apartment other than the bare minimum wasn't something that ever crossed my mind. As long as I had furniture that looked all right, a TV and computer, something on the walls...I was good to go.

Things have changed since then. I'm much more interested in how things are put together. All the options we have. Colors, fabrics, furniture, lighting.

]]> It wasn't until recently that I became interested in decorating. When I was living with my sisters throughout my late teens to mid-twenties, doing anything with my apartment other than the bare minimum wasn't something that ever crossed my mind. As long as I had furniture that looked all right, a TV and computer, something on the walls...I was good to go.

Things have changed since then. I'm much more interested in how things are put together. All the options we have. Colors, fabrics, furniture, lighting.

Of course, that's all it is right now -- an interest. I'm not trying to come off as somebody with, you know, style, because then you might come to my place (or you might see photos, if I'm ever brave enough to take and post any) and think to yourself, "Who does this crazy girl think she is?"

That's the great thing about decorating, it's completely subjective. If you love something, there's a good chance I won't. Or even if I think it's okay, or interesting, it may not be something I'd ever consider putting in my home. All I know is that I've discovered I really enjoy looking at pictures of other people's homes and I use that information to inform me about what I might want to do in my own place.

I've been in my apartment for almost a month, which means I've been able to go from contemplating how I'd like to do things to actually implementing those ideas. I'm happy with my sofa and large matching armchair (bought from Craigslist for a good price). I have a 42" flat screen TV that I bought from a friend after he upgraded to a larger size. (I needed a new TV because I was tired of my huge, 11-year-old, 25" inch model, but if I had bought something brand new I probably wouldn't have splurged for the 42". It looks just fine in my space, though.)

The TV is currently sitting on the floor because the TV stand I bought, although it's been delivered, is still downstairs in my building's package-storage area. It's real wood, but it was delivered in a flat box and needs to be assembled. The box is long and heavy, so I can't transport it by myself. However, one of my guy friends has volunteered to come over, help me bring it upstairs, and assemble it, so I plan to take him up on his kind offer in the next few days.

My biggest issue right now is that there's nothing on my walls. I have one really cool print that I bought from my photographer-cousin, but I need to take it to a store that sells frames so I can buy one before I hang it up. I've looked for frames online, but I think I'd be better off looking at them in person so I can choose which color and type of frame goes best with this particular photograph.

I also purchased a bookcase. I like that it's on wheels. And yesterday I bought a really cute key holder to put on the wall next to my front door and another print to hang up, both from Etsy.

I guess what I want is what a lot of other people want: a place that's a haven for me, and a place where other people feel comfortable as well. I'm not quite there yet but I'm enjoying the journey.

Related Reading:

I'm one of the many people who have fallen for Apartment Therapy -- I have subscriptions to each of their six city-specific sites in my feed reader. I also like that they often feature studio apartments and other small spaces in their posts. One good one is their roundup of 33 Best Small Space Design Tips.

Fresh Design featured a really neat all-glass coffee table, but I like this acrylic one by CB2.

You Live Where asks Who Needs Space?

(Contributing editor Zandria blogs at Zandria.us)

]]> How to Stop Overthinking And Get Unstuck http://www.blogher.com/how-stop-overthinking-and-get-unstuck 2010-02-07T08:00:00-06:00 2010-02-07T08:42:19-06:00 Maria Niles A good friend is someone who will call you out on your stuff - kindly, lovingly and, most of all, honestly. A good friend did this for me the other day. She pointed out that I seem to be overthinking and that it was leading me to inertia. Inertia is a fancy word for being stuck.

]]> A good friend is someone who will call you out on your stuff - kindly, lovingly and, most of all, honestly. A good friend did this for me the other day. She pointed out that I seem to be overthinking and that it was leading me to inertia. Inertia is a fancy word for being stuck.

Stuck sucks. But sometimes, no matter how painful, stuck can be easier than unstuck. Being stuck can feel safe, rooted, and grounded. It provides a false sense of security though. There is so much we miss in the unknown. Hibernating in our little caves feels familiar no matter how dark and dreary they might be. But outside the cave is a great big world of unknown. The unknown seems scary but trust me, there's a lot of fun and crazy and exhilarating. I do know this to be true even if I forget myself sometimes.

Someone once told me that I am one of the most grounded people they know. Down to earth, solid, firm. She meant it as a statement of fact and as a compliment. But being so tightly tethered to the ground means that I have a hard time flying and soaring. I don't want to get Icarus-like, float so high above the clouds that I lose my sense of perspective, burn up in the atmosphere and lose the feeling of what the grass feels like underneath my feet. But sometimes I want to fly.

In order to find that freedom, I have to find a way to shut off my racing mind and stop overthinking every little thing. Before I shut off my brain and get to doing, I surfed the internet for some suggestions. Here are a few that I found:

1. Make decisions

The first bit of advice comes from me. And that is to make some decisions even if they are small ones and even if they are risky. This encourages the habit of taking action rather than analyzing everything to death in a futile attempt to manage all risk and guarantee only good outcomes. Life isn't that mess-free.

2. Meditate

I can always tell when I've fallen out of practice. Even five minutes a day of emptying my mind, observing thoughts and letting them go makes a big difference in setting a tone for my day or preparing me for sleep and slowing down the overthinking.

3. Get input

Getting some outside perspective often helps me kick into gear. If it's striving for perfect that is keeping me thinking and stuck, I often find that other people can better see when something is good enough, when I've reached an 80-20 tipping point, when what I'm working on is better than I realize or when continuing to re-hash and re-work something is only making things worse or more jumbled. Some bloggers have found that they can ask the internet and get great input that helps them move forward.

4. Shut off the internet

The blessing and the curse of the internet is that you can find anything, turn over endless rocks, and fall down infinite rabbit holes. All that information make us feel powerful and like we can be in control. But the seduction is false. All it does is chain us in place, thinking we can find an answer to every question. I need to spend less time reading, researching and reacting and more time doing.

5. Be patient

I like immediate gratification which is one of my many weak spots (or realities, if I'm being kinder to myself). This is another mind game that never plays out the way we think or hope it will. If only we just solve for every possible X we can find the quickest route to Y. Unfortunately life doesn't work that way. Paths wind. Starting at one hoping it will magically get shorter and that we can cut out the time and work necessary to travel it never works. Walking does.

6. Stop worrying about what other people are thinking

A big reason why I twist my mind into a pretzel is because I don't want to hurt people's feelings. And, because I want them to like me. And, because I don't want to disappoint them when they find out that I am simply a flawed human and not a robot. I'm a girl. We are conditioned to be good and nice and to not ruffle feathers or rock boats. This is an insidious form of perfectionism. I am not immune. I can wrestle my brain into indecision and inaction with the best of them because I convince myself that whether I do or I don't, I suck. I need to let go of the absurd thought that other people are as obsessed with me as I am and recognize that they have their own junk to worry about.

Do you get caught in the overthinking trap? How do you get your mind to slow its roll? What are your best tips for stopping overthinking and getting unstuck?

Related Reading:

carole epp at musings about mud: I think i'm overthinking it too much... or maybe not enough...

Alex at Piebald Life: Finding Grace For Us Over-Thinking Types

This death by over-analysis is a critical problem for many of us over-achievers and over-achiever wannabe's. We feel that we get to where we are only by virtue of our ability to figure everything out and to decode situations be they social, academic, religious, or whatever--decoding them gives us power over situations.

Jodi Chromey at I Will Dare: I hate meek

It makes me angry because I know I’m over thinking it, and my over thinking is making me meek. I hate meek. I know that 90% of blogging is bravado and acting like you’re the bomb digs regardless of your actual bomb diggetyness.

Fluid Pudding: Internet? You're going to think I'm crazy.

And suddenly, I was struck with hesitance. What if that whole story about the wife taking the hat was his (very clever) way of telling me not to expect him to wear that stinking hat to school every morning?! He covered himself the same exact way I often cover MYSELF. But maybe he wasn’t covering. Maybe he really did dig the hat.

Wait a second. Can we take time out for me to sing that Paul Simon song with the “Maybe I Think Too Much” lyrics?

Nanny Goats In Panties: It's My Blog and I'll Cry If I Want To

The real reason I called you all here today was to talk about how I can never seem to find the perfect balance between over-thinking and under-thinking.

Aki and Alex at Ideas in Food: Don't Worry

Hugh MacLeod at Gaping Void: don't worry if you don't know "absolutely everything" before starting out

They don’t know enough about what could possibly go wrong. They don’t know where EVERY SINGLE LAST POSSIBLE LANDMINE is buried.

So instead of getting on with it, they spend the next few years keeping their Nowheresville day job, whilst spending their evenings surfing the web, scouring the trade magazines, researching everything like crazy, trying to get a thorough, small-time Outsider’s view about what the big-time Insiders are currently up to....

They want to have ALL the answers, before ever risking getting their feet wet. Hell, before even getting their little toe wet…

BlogHer CE Maria Niles can also found trying to think less at PopConsumer

BlogHer Contributing Editor PopConsumer Beyond Help

]]> Project Runway Recap: The Top 13 Freak Out Over Real, Live Women http://www.blogher.com/project-runway-recap-top-13-all-contestants-them-freak-out-over-real-live-women 2010-02-06T14:45:57-06:00 2010-02-06T14:45:57-06:00 Elisa Camahort Still wondering who these people think is going to buy their clothes?

]]> Still wondering who these people think is going to buy their clothes?

February is, I think, Heart Health month or something like that, so I'm seeing lots of random references to people wearing red. As in the Go Red program from the American Heart Association. This week red took over Project Runway as Campbell's Soup sponsored the episode to celebrate their "hearty-healthy" soup line. In addition to having to repeatedly see an odd commercial with chefs dressed in red performing a drumline, combined with Ziegfield-like camera shots from above (all a bit surreal, frankly), the challenge for the week was for the designers to create a signature red dress for a gala event that somehow incorporated Campbell's branding.

Of course branding like that has been incorporated into art before...although typically as more of a meta-statement on art and culture, or at the very least with a sense of irony. This was more of a serious endeavor, then turned maudlin by the introduction of their models for the episode: "Thirteen women whose lives have been impacted by heart disease."

[Cue scary music!]

Real women? Oh nooooooes!!!

As Seth Aaron said, this was "the largest challenge he had ever faced a a designer." Get it? "Largest". Oh Seth Aaron, you're high-larious. Once a season you get to hear the word "flattering" repeatedly thrown around on Project Runway, and this was that day.

The designers were randomly assigned to their real women, some of whom had congenital heart issues, some of whom had more diet-and-lifestyle-type heart issues, some of whom we never really heard much from. This prompted the designers to share every passing experience they had had with heart disease in their lives...tears were shed, people.

Visiting RealMood was a flurry of red, and you just knew that some of the red fabric chosen was going to be tacky, tacky, tacky...but whose? Thank you, RealMood!

This was the first episode where all of the designers seemed to be a bit freaked out, and afraid of not finishing. Probably because, you know, the outfits took so much more time to make because they had to be built for those scary real womens! [Cue scary music!]

As EvilWillow would say, "Bored now", so let's move on to the runway show. [Why yes, yes I am mixing my pop culture metaphors ( or similes as the case may be). After all, isn't Tim Gunn just Giles...without the British accent, or the demon-fighting skills, or the guitar?]

For the show, our judges are, of course the MagicallyPregnantHeidi, MK, ninagarcia and one of the co-founders of Marchesa, Georgina Chapman.

As always, click on the link under the designer's name, and you can see a picture of their design.

1. Jonathan kicked it off with a dress right out of "Gone with the Wind", or perhaps more out of the Carol Burnett show. Seriously, I'm shocked this wasn't Bottom 3. It was this big red monstrosity. Strapless and sleek on top (although it somehow made her breasts look like they were down at her waist), but then this big three-tiered flouncy ballgown skirt. A the very least it was more debutante ball than gala event for adults. Blech.

2. Emiio made something cute again, a strapless dress with an empire waist made of Campbell's branding and flouncy skirt. I didn't notice it earlier in the episode, but I'm pretty sure his model was not only "real", but also actually pregnant. If not, he just made something that looked like a maternity dress. I'm guessing the former, or he would have been called out for being "unflattering."

3. Maya was the only one who went for the least little bit of visual interest, with swirls of red and gold fabric applied to a basic sheath dress. She got rewarded for being different, even though the dress wasn't actually pretty. And even though she barely gave a nod to part of the challenge...incorporating the Campbell's branding into a little clutch purse you could barely see, instead of the dress. Usually that would be the kiss of death, but not this time.

4. Anthony had a dress with a red skirt and Campbell's brand halter top, Unfortunately it was paired with this big, shapeless, wrinkly bolero jacket. I wouldn't say it screamed "gala event" to me, and I thought it might have Bottom 3 written all over it, instead of Campbell's.

5. Amy went for a simple idea, but executed it really really well. It was a strapless gown with a curved sweetheart neckline and, for once, NOT an empire waist, but one slightly lower, using Campbell's branding as a sort of braided waist definer. The highlight was the flowy, chiffon-y long skirt. It moved well and made the model look very happy.

6. Jesus, who had been very excited to have a teeny tiny model, created a crappy dress with one good idea. I actually quite liked the Campbell's brand racing stripes down the sides of his dress. Unfortunately, the dress itself was trampy with a capital T. Red satin, way too short, way too tight, and with tacky rhinestone straps.

7. Anna (seriously, who is she? Has she always been there?) played it safe with a basic red cocktail dress. But then she mucked it up with these weird taupe-colored insets, creating a sort of Wonder Woman chest shield effect. And it was not, here's that word again, flattering. But really, the worst problem? I think this season's designers are basically skilled, but none of them are displaying real flashes of inspiration yet.

8. Jay was similar to Anna...a classy strapless gown with a bustier drop waist styling, but nothing you haven't seen before...often. It was probably the most successful from a fit and flatter point of view...a little surprised he didn't make the Top given that.

9. Jesse got confused and thought he was designing a flight attendant outfit for Virgin America. His red dress was topped by a white jacket, which did make his bosomy model seem a bit top-heavy. (Of course once she took of the jacket we could all see, as Heidi pointed out, that she had "excellent bosoms.") It was well-made, but not really up to the challenge.

10. Ben (another one who snuck in for this week) made a red gown with slits up to here and a gold waist. The Campbell's branding was a trim on the inside of the very high slit. But basically this was a long, red dress with a belt. This episode was getting pretty boring by this point, since there was nary a flash of creativity to be seen on that runway.

11. Mila sent Inauguration Ball Barbie down the runway. Seriously, my co-founder Lisa Stone has a President Barbie in her office, and she's wearing a red white and blue gown, and I'm sure there are stars involved. And this was a red gown with BIG white stars incorporated into the design and a little bit of Campbell's trim. (Did you know that a star was part of the Campbell's logo? Neither did I.) The neckline was flattering, but I thought the rest of it was pretty over-the-top and ugly.

12. Janeane (another one who seems like she just walked on set this week) was another one that I thought belonged in the Bottom 3. There were these random flounces and frou-frous and gew-gaws. It was unflattering, nay ugly, even more ugly than a flight attendant outfit.

13. Seth Aaron had scrapped the Grecian outfit his model wanted and instead came up with something surprisingly pedestrian. A dress with a red top, black skirt and Campbell's logo belt. Various other Campbell's branding trimmed the neckline too. Whoop-e-de-doo. Not dressy enough, not flattering, not creative.

Maybe I was just cranky, but I'm getting a little tired of so little inspiration. Have these gala event dresses ever looked more like uniforms, or simple work fare?

In any case, the judges ignored my strongly negative reaction to both Jonathan and Janeane's monstrosities, and instead put Jesse, Jesus and Anna in the Bottom 3.

At that point, you knew tacky was the ticket home. Bye-bye Baby Jesus.

Meanwhile, Mila, Maya and Amy were in the Top 3. Which gives you an idea of how weak the choices were this week. Amy took the win

Let's hope they kick it up a notch next week. I had high hopes for this crop of designers, and I am feeling let down.

But what do you think?

Project Runway Avenue Temporary Street Renaming

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]]> How to Vanquish Vampire Power http://www.blogher.com/how-vanquish-vampire-power-save-money-energy-and-your-health 2010-02-06T14:35:01-06:00 2010-02-06T14:35:01-06:00 greenlagirl Did you know your microwave uses up more power when you're not using it than when you are? Yes, the microwave draws a lot of energy when you start nuking something, but the vast majority of the time, the machine's sitting idle while slowly sipping energy to light up its display. According to Umbra at Grist, that slow, daily sip ends up being about 80% of the energy your appliance consumes!

]]> Did you know your microwave uses up more power when you're not using it than when you are? Yes, the microwave draws a lot of energy when you start nuking something, but the vast majority of the time, the machine's sitting idle while slowly sipping energy to light up its display. According to Umbra at Grist, that slow, daily sip ends up being about 80% of the energy your appliance consumes!

power strip

Such is the silent cost of vampire power -- the slow draw of energy and drain on your wallet by gadgets that are plugged in, but not in use. That's why last year, I wrote a post about how to slash vampire power and save money. But while more people know about vampire power now, many have yet to take action to reduce it -- maybe because the thought of running around the house unplugging everything all the time seems like a lot of work for releatively little money savings.

Once you have a vampire slaying habit worked out, though, starving energy sippers comes really easy. Plus, new greener routines can be better for your health, too. Increasing evidence shows electrical energy could be harming our health, as Katherine Butler points out in MNN -- a concern if you tend to leave your wireless router on all night. And light pollution's been linked to everything from insomnia to cancer -- not to mention larger ecological problems for birds and other wildlife. While your microwave display or wifi router may not be creating a huge amount of light and electric pollution, it makes sense not to have dozens of electronics lit up and buzzing away while you're trying to sleep at night.

Before you freak out about cancer and develop fear-induced insomnia: Reducing wasted vampire power, electrical energy, and light isn't too hard -- at least inside your own home. Below is how I've gotten rid of all three in my apartment. Depending on your own quirks and preferences, you may want to use slightly different methods -- like relying more on high-tech smart strips and less on manual unplugging. But hopefully this post'll help you figure out how to get started!

1. Get power strips. I have three power strips around the house -- one for kitchen appliances, one for the TV and VCR, and one for the stereo and its accoutrements. Basically, the gadgets plugged into each power strip are the ones I use in tandem -- like the electric kettle that boils water while I grind coffee beans in my electric grinder for the French press, or the VCR I put a Netflix DVD in to watch a movie on my TV (I don't have cable or an antenna, so I never use the TV alone).

I simply flick on the power strip switch whenever I need to use any of the attached gadgets -- which makes things a lot simpler than manually plugging and unplugging individual items -- then flick it off when I'm done. Newbies may forget to turn the power strip off at the beginning, but the money-saving habit will form soon enough.

2. Unplug. For items I use alone or use rarely, I manually plug and unplug -- just as most people do with, say, irons. Remembering to unplug my laptop at the end of the day at home's easy, since I'm in the habit of unplugging the laptop whenever I take it to a coffee shop or library. This unplugging habit also has the happy side benefit of extending the life of my laptop battery. As I write this, though, I'm wondering if I should get a fourth power strip to plug my laptop and wireless router in together, since when I'm home, I always use the two in tandem.

I also manually plug and unplug my microwave -- my kitchen power strip is full and the microwave's the appliance I use least -- and my printer, which I rarely use. Depending on your lifestyle, you may single out complete different gadgets for manual unplugging. In fact, if instead of a laptop you have a desktop computer-and-monitor setup, you may want to go with the third option altogether --

3. Think smart strips. Honestly, I'm not all that enamored by these newfangled gadgets, but for the forgetful, smart strips may be the way to go. These are like power strips, except they're smart enough to figure out when to turn themselves on and off.

iGo Power Smart Tower

Here's why a smart strip may work for you, even though they haven't proved particularly convenient for me. I tried out an iGo Power Smart Tower to see a smart strip in action. This tool has two types of outlets -- "green" ones for those you want turned on and off, and regular ones for gadgets you need on all the time, like an electric clock. Plus, a couple USB ports at the bottom lets you charge mobile devices.

What I found the iGo Power Smart Tower most useful for was charging up gadgets with batteries. Plug in your cell phone, laptop, or iPod into a green outlet and the Smart Tower will recharge it -- then cut off the power once the gadget's juiced up, which saves both energy and your gadgets' battery life. Every half hour, the Smart Tower boots up to check if anything requires energy, then turns back off if nothing does -- thereby reducing vampire power by over 85 percent, according to iGo.

iGo also recommends the Smart Tower for gadgets like TVs and computer monitors, but I just don't see myself using the Smart Tower for those items. Why? As I mentioned, the Smart Tower boots up just once every 30 minutes. That means that if I want to my TV on NOW, I have to press the Smart Tower's "Instant On" button. And if I'm going to have to press a button anyway, I feel I may as well flick the switch on a simple, cheap, regular power strip than a bulkier though admittedly sleeker-looking Smart Tower that costs $79.99.

Of course, the Smart Tower does automatically turns OFF the power to the TV once it senses I'm not watching it anymore -- so if you're the forgetful type, this smart meter might save you some money in the long run. As I'm already in the habit of switching off my power strip once I'm done watching a DVD, this isn't an issue for me. That, combined my habit of charging all gadgets during the day when I'll remember to unplug them once juiced up (I work from home), my slight annoyance with the small clicking sound the iGo makes when it boots up every half hour, and my reluctance to add yet another gadget to my life for extremely limited purposes, makes me think I'm not a smart strip kind of gal. Still, for people who need to charge devices overnight, or who forget to flick off power strips despite their best intentions, the iGo could be quite useful.
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Hope you too figure out a vampire-slaying solution that works for you. There's now even a Facebook app called Unplug that lets you pledge to unplug electronics for Earth Day -- and figure out how much CO2 emissions your efforts will keep out of the environment. Read Jaymi Heimbuch's post at Treehugger to find out more about Unplug.

Top photo by tim7423; bottom photo by Siel
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BlogHer Contributing Editor Siel also blogs at greenLAgirl.com.

]]> NOLA Sees Bright Future in Super Bowl http://www.blogher.com/new-orleans-sees-future-brighten-super-bowl 2010-02-06T13:01:35-06:00 2010-02-08T14:10:49-06:00 Nordette Win or lose, the Saints playing in the Super Bowl is like a healing, a laying on of hands for New Orleans, La. As I wrote on Twitter February 4, followed by hash tags #whodat and #Saints, "Super Bowl mania hangs in the air, palpable like Mardi Gras beads in trees, like August here, thick and hot, like a good rain."

]]> Win or lose, the Saints playing in the Super Bowl is like a healing, a laying on of hands for New Orleans, La. As I wrote on Twitter February 4, followed by hash tags #whodat and #Saints, "Super Bowl mania hangs in the air, palpable like Mardi Gras beads in trees, like August here, thick and hot, like a good rain."

Those words are true. We're going to bed down here in NOLA hearing "Who Dat!" on the news and waking up to the same as the number of days to Super Bowl 44 decrease. We're dancing in the streets and weeping with smiles that Hurricane Katrina didn't kill this city after all. Business watchers say that this Saints-to-Super-Bowl, fleur-de-lis, who-dat air is a wondrous blast of life into New Orleans's lungs both economically and psychically.

Yes, we are so shamelessly enraptured that along with Mardi Gras festivities, Super Bowl joy is "overshadowing the mayor's race" in which citizens cast votes today. Our shouting and leaping even took over national news shows: Good Morning America's Robin Roberts reported "New Orleans: From Katrina to Super Bowl 44." Roberts is the younger sister of WWL TV New Orleans news co-anchor Sally-Ann Roberts, and both women remember the days when their father, Lawrence, lamented that the Saints seemed to excel at "snatching defeat from the jaws of victory."

That video ends with two sports analysts choosing the Indianapolis Colts to win Sunday, but they add that Saints fans shouldn't lose heart. They analysts promise that they're always wrong as Roberts turns to the New Orleans crowd live and fudges the truth, telling them the experts picked the Saints to win.

Cheers erupt and any onlooker who knows what the Saints and New Orleans have gone through over the years understands fans' rejection of loser talk. Beside "Who Dat!" another slogan for Saints fans has been one powerful word, "Believe!"

Rita Benson LeBlanc is a believer. She is part owner and executive vice president of the New Orleans Saints and is being hailed as one of the most powerful women in professional sports today. Yesterday, she spoke to CBS and echoed reports that Sunday's Super Bowl is not simply a game but a symbol of New Orleans being a city of survivors.


Maintaining faith -- betting on the Saints for more than 40 years, blessing the boys in Black 'n Gold even when people called them the Aints and grumbling fans attended games with paper bags over their heads, stubbornly returning to flooded land -- local Saints supporters see the team's journey to the Super Bowl as the natural reward of the faithful's long suffering. As recently as last year, the city successfully fought for the team, wooing its owner Tom Benson to keep the Saints in the Superdome and New Orleans through 2025.

The first payoff for sticking with the team, perhaps, was the city and State of Louisiana sewing up the deal to host the Super Bowl in 2013. Next, with the team's winning season, New Orleans saw a boost to its economy even before the Saints were Super Bowl bound.

As Super Bowl euphoria infects Saints local fans with all kinds of songs such as "Bring 'Em to the Dome," or "Get Crunk" and lovers of the city around the world join in the dance, kindred spirits flock to New Orleans. A NOLA.com reporter blogs that while the Super Bowl is being played in Miami, New Orleans hotels began to fill up as soon as the Saints won the National Football Conference game against the Vikings in January.

If early signs are any indication, hotels may see a bit of that spending, too. Calls for reservations began pouring into the Royal Sonesta Hotel almost instantly after Garrett Hartley's field goal in overtime cemented the Saints' position in the NFL's championship game, said Al Groos, the hotel's general manager. The hotel's balcony suites facing Bourbon Street, which don't typically sell out on a Sunday during the first weekend of Mardi Gras, were the first to go, Groos said.

"As soon as that ball went through the goal posts, the phone was ringing off the hook, " he said. The Royal Sonesta had booked 60 room reservations by early Monday morning. "I know the game is in Miami, but there are people who want to celebrate in New Orleans. The attraction is the city and the party." (Jaquetta White, The Times-Picayune)

The good news is impacting more than wallets, according to mental health professionals, who say the team's winning season bolsters the self-image of individuals. They predict the positive vibes will result in better productivity.


Beyond the city, Super Bowl excitement is making Katrina-tossed former residents homesick. New Orleans Fox 8 reporter Jennifer Hale spoke to real estate professionals who said after the "winning kick" that made the Saints NFC champions, their offices began getting calls from people who want to come back home.

NOLA realtor Arthur Sterbcow told Fox 8 that Super Bowl attention is not only calling former residents homeward, but it may also lure newcomers.

Sterbcow's real estate agency tracks trends.

He says the bigger the event and the more publicity it gets, like Jazz Fest or Mardi Gras, the more people his agency sees in the coming months looking for housing.

"Especially young people who come to visit and decide "Hey, I like it down here. This is a place I'd like to come live," says Sterbcow.

Sterbcow thinks the Super Bowl may be the biggest event yet for New Orleans. (Jennifer Hale reporting for Fox 8)

For the faithful who returned or never left, the Super Bowl bounty may pay unexpected dividends, reports Bigad Shaban for WWL TV. He tells viewers in the video below that the Saints have given the city hope and happiness and a reason to second line and dress in costumes, including men in drag, even more, but "the success of the Saints could also help New Orleans tackle some other very serious issues, from strengthening the criminal justice system to building playgrounds and eradicating blight."


Shaban interviews Cynthia Hedge-Morrell, the city council budget chair, who says New Orleans could walk away with an extra million dollars in sales tax revenue due to the influx of tourists who would rather be in New Orleans than in Miami. The spending from the last two playoff games alone may have added $1.5 million to the city's revenue, according to the news report.

In addition to being a boon to the city, the Super Bowl spotlight is expected to boost the whole state of Louisiana:

Economic Development Secretary Stephen Moret spent part of his afternoon, proofing national print ads that will run this week in the Wall Street Journal, New York Times and other major newspapers.

The ads portray the Saints as a metaphor for other good things happening in the state.

"This is really a huge win for our state, not just for the Saints and fans that supported them for so long, but it is a big economic win for the state of Louisiana as well, and we're really working hard to take as much advantage of that as we can to use this as a tool for our economic development efforts," said Moret. (full story with video)

This past November, writing lightly on superstition and the New Orleans Saints at my blog, I said:

"If the Saints go to the Super Bowl, you'd better believe this city, this state, maybe even people across the nation, will hold a party that makes Mardi Gras look like a small town prom. And naturally, faith will get the credit. (WSATA)

Other New Orleanians raise me on that prediction, saying a win for the Saints on Sunday will be as big as the end of the world.

But we've already won. Our story of what appeared to be a broken city cheering on a lost-cause team is filling people with hope and spilling beyond Who Dat Nation in ways that can only be called blessings. One sign of that is the recent news that more than 500,000 people, undoubtedly some fans of resurrection stories, took the time to vote for New Orleans Saints quarterback Drew Brees in the Pepsi Refresh Project grant competition. He won, and as a result the American Cancer Society's Hope Lodge in New Orleans gets $100,000. Hope Lodge provides accomodations for cancer patients and their families when treatment is far from home.

Brees's story itself is one of taking chances and rising. He came to the city six months after Katrina amid concerns about his shoulder surgery, passing up a "better" team for the Saints, which had just finished a "dismal season." It was risky business, but he's made New Orleans and victory his own.

At this moment, New Orleans's story smells more like good news and less like misery despite our knowing that the next mayor, whoever that is, has stormy financial weather ahead. But I guess the city's Orishas still whisper in our dreams, "Believe." Consequently, we see the Super Bowl party start just in time.

As one New Orleanian suggested on CNN, this time the world's eyes fall upon us and instead of sinking in disaster, we rise with the hand of providence to tell a happier story: "People still look at New Orleans as recovering from the storm," said the woman, "This will let them know we're open for business." Or as Sterbcow told Fox 8, people will say, "WOW! ... New Orleans came back. They're REALLY back!"

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Nordette Adams is a BlogHer CE & you can find her other stuff through Her 411.

]]> Did a Helen Hunt Movie Just Teach Me About Faith? http://www.blogher.com/did-helen-hunt-movie-just-teach-me-about-faith 2010-02-06T09:16:03-06:00 2010-02-06T09:15:25-06:00 Mata H It takes me a while to see all the movies I want to see. So it is no shock that I just saw the 2008 Helen Hunt/Colin Firth/Bette Midler film, "And Then She Found Me." One line in the film haunts me, grabs me by the scruff of the spirit and will not let go. "Dive in and blog me," it says. "Figure out why, later."

]]> It takes me a while to see all the movies I want to see. So it is no shock that I just saw the 2008 Helen Hunt/Colin Firth/Bette Midler film, "And Then She Found Me." One line in the film haunts me, grabs me by the scruff of the spirit and will not let go. "Dive in and blog me," it says. "Figure out why, later."

Helen Hunt, who stars in and directs the film, is about to undergo a medical procedure she both wants and fears. She is normally a prayerful Jew, praying over big events with her whole heart. Yet she does not pray before this procedure. She is confronted by Bette Midler - her birth mother with whom she has been recently reunited. Bette is unlike her daughter spiritually, but worries when Hunt does not pray. Finally Hunt spills out how scared she is, and prays the Shema.

- Hear Oh Israel, the Lord is One....

She looks at her mother and says, with amazed finality - "The Lord of Love and the Lord of Fear -- are One," and then has the medical procedure done.

That line won't leave me -- "The Lord of Love and the Lord of Fear -- are One". I am not proposing that Helen Hunt is a theologian, but some deep truth is in that phrase. Let's assume that God is one -- that whatever notion you have about a higher power is a unity, a single energy.

Bear with me as I wander through what this might mean. Please chime in with comments later.

I think we too often think we can only spiritually stand before our Higher Power in Love, not in Fear -- that we somehow have to be perfect, or at least serene, calm, well-adjusted to be spiritual, or to ask God/The Universe for anything.

We don't lay down our messiest self before our Higher Power. What kind of crummy offering would that be? I'm not attractive when I am angry, or screwed up or confused by life. When I cry I get all snuffly and snotty. I blow my nose and sound like a trombone out of pitch. I'm a smart cookie -- how vulgar is it for me to be unresolved, despairing, with no sense of direction? I need to fix that before I can face my God, my Higher Power, even myself.

Oh wrong, wrong, wrong!

The Higher Power in my life doesn't give a rat's patootie about whether or not I am all tidied up for a visit. God, The Universe, The Greatest Good, The Universal Energy Source -- whatever you call him/her/it -- does not wait for me to have my spiritual hair done, my life ordered.

In fact, I can throw my mess out there at God, my Higher Power, and ask for help. I can ask to be given a break, some help, some wisdom. I can appeal to whatever knows more than I do in the Universe at Large to help this messy, flawed, broken creature that I am.

It's odd, isn't it, that what we cannot ask of people, we cannot ask of God. It's hard for me to be messy in front of people. Emotionally messy.

Yet my dearest friends have seen me that way and somehow manage to still love me. And, well, DUH, could it be that God is the same -- that despite my flaws and failings I am loved even in the midst of them? Could it be that God is working through my dearest and nearest to deliver this message of love and acceptance?

I don't think that is a light thing to say. That I am loved by God even when I am frightened or freaked out -- well, it's today's miracle on my list of Events of the Day.

Should I have learned that in 1st grade? Probably. In fact, I did. But I forget. I have to learn this over and over. And so I chant -- I am loved, you are loved, he/she is loved, we are loved, they are loved.

Maybe you don't believe in the same kind of deity that I do -- s'ok, plug in the blank, the way you are most comfortable. "The Intentional Universe," "The Life Force," "The Higher Power," "The Earth Energy"....whatever allows you to know that there is something bigger than you out there. Now realize, because of that, you are not alone - ever - in any condition. You are loved, regarded as special, precious, and seen as a pearl of infinite worth. Even though life threatens to break you down, or rough you up, or make you sad and confused, there is Love that you can turn to --even in the midst of fear.

Does that solve everything? Make the problem go away? Would that it did, but you and I both know that it doesn't. But it does give comfort, and it can fuel hope. Love is the lifeline. The Lord of Love and the Lord of Fear ARE One.

RELATED BLOGS

Katie Mulligan is a pastor in NJ. She has held workshops for family members who have been victims of "intimate violence".

...where we meet God is exactly in that wild piece of our souls that holds on to life. Those of us trapped and oppressed by individuals and powers who seek to extinguish the life God gave us can find at our center a wild and raging current of life that refuses to allow the death of the soul. We gather tonight in this sanctuary, even though the wildness in our souls might prefer wide open spaces. We gather tonight to testify to life. We gather to testify to the life of our brothers and sisters whose bodies did not survive. We gather to draw strength and healing from one another—from sisters and brothers who will meet our eyes as we tell our stories of violence.

Jeanette speaks of sharing the "messy stuff" with friends:

When I got home, I thanked God, not only for a great time of fellowship, but also for the reminder, that others share my insecurities, fears, and needs for encouragement. I am not the only one with a deep need to please, fear of rejection, or tendency to let past hurts affect the way I react today. Best of all, allowing these areas of weakness to come out allowed someone else to see that she wasn’t alone either. Now we can pray for, support, and love one another in ways that other friends might not be able to, because they haven’t been where we are (or can’t admit it yet).

Eleanor says of perfectionists:

"Perfectionism is often a quality of highly successful people, but perfection can be a moving target. When taken too far, we create ever-changing, and therefore, unattainable goals for ourselves. Perfectionists are never satisfied with themselves or others. They are often stressed out or depressed from trying to reach ever-higher standards.

~~ Contributing Editor, Mata H. also blogs right along at Time's Fool

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