Attempt To Move On

In the time you are with someone you love, it can be one of the best things you could feel in life until one single moment that changes everything you thought you had.  Betrayal of a lover that you never thought could happen because of the love you have for each other. You begin to feel that this person you once knew is not the person you fell in love with. You feel as if you are laying next to a stranger. No matter the level of betrayal it still causes pain. Pain that can make your mind wonder if anything that you had with the person was real. At this point there is a feeling that you are just there for the ride on an emotional roller coaster that the betrayer is controlling with no care of what your feelings are during it. How do you feel after such a shift? You feel unloved and disrespected. At one point you will even feel unattractive. Compliments that spill from your lover's lips may not sound the same. Compliments from a stranger's lips become more assuring than the ones from your lover's. You feel a need to reinvent yourself into someone completely different. You wonder if he took a day off from work to visit with another. You wonder if when he goes out with his friends is he really with another. You wonder that when you tell your lover that you will be going out that he picks up the phone to tell another to come by. You see him leave the room wondering if he is leaving to go see if he received a text message from another. You begin to wonder on your way home will you catch the other in your home. You wonder if he meets up with another at work or at the gym for imitate moments. You have thought of what you would do to your lover and to the other if you were to see them together. These thoughts and emotions can come to mind even when you are trying to be positive and move on. You walk in public studying women that your lover may be attracted to so that you can adopt their fashion and even their mind set. When with your lover, you stay close when any female is around to attempt to prevent any thoughts in his head knowing that it may be impossible. You study your lovers every move and every women he looks at and for how long. Instead of voicing thoughts you keep them to yourself. Instead, you mimic what is being done. You begin to look at men more when they catch your eye. You text a man you know because not only does he do it but you enjoy the conversation that you are having. You put the phone face down so he does not see the screen like he does to you. When he walks in a room you power down your phone right when he walks in so he can wonder who you were texting. You text who you want, when you want and how you want because he does it with not caring about your feelings. I have standards for myself to assist me to do what is right but if my lover does not have the same then I will mimic all the things he does that cause pain to inflict the pain back. Is this healthy for me to do? Maybe not. But the fact that he gives me pain without a single thought before thinking about what we have together gives me gratification to know we are doing the same thing. Have we talked about what he could do about the situation? Yes. But he will go on and do whatever he wants because he looks at it as me trying to control him and not me trying to tell him what he can do to keep us together. Has he changed his way of thinking that contacting a woman at various times of the day is fine? I don't know. If he has then I thank him for taking my thoughts and feelings seriously. If he has continued then I know that he does not care and that my standards will then become his allowing me to do what he does. F--k those double standards as he says they are. My heart is at stake with someone who hurts it with every time they hit the send button. His heart will hurt every time I hit the send button to a man I once loved all because I refuse to always be the nice respectful person and the only one who feels pain. These re the thoughts hat come to you when the relationship has been compromised but if you want the relationship sit back and watch the man prove himself to you. Try not to lose yourself in what has been done to you. If you feel the need to reinvent yourself, do it for you and not because it is what your lover may be attracted to. 

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