The B in GLBT

I personally think that its important to identify as a bisexual person whether you're in a longterm relationship with either sex. To me it is important because I find myself most comfortable in the GLBT community. I don't want to give up my community if I find myself in a longterm relationship with a male. I think somehow bisexuals are(or have the ability to be)a bridge between the GLBT community and the straight community and if we stay open about our sexuality and support the GLBT community no matter who we partner with I think we can help make the world more free for our community. I also think its important for us to be present within the GLBT community. It is not acceptable behavior for Gays or Lesbians to shun Bisexuals; rather I don't think it should be. The community needs to be better educated about Bisexuality and what it means. I really don't think most people know what "bisexual" means. But when it comes down to it, it all has to do with your purpose and what is important to you in your life. We all have our everyday struggles and we all have to "choose our own battles."

Very well said. 

First, I think that monogamy and sexual preference are very different issues. Being a bisexual does not (and should not) make you more or less monogamous. It seems to me to a dangerous precedent to view one person as more or less promiscuous or more or less able to be monogamous on the basis of their sexuality. That is a slippery slope.

I think being bisexual means that to some extent (greater or lesser), you are sexual attracted to men and women. However, monogamy is an entirely different spectrum. Monogamy speaks to a desire to be intimate with just one person for a length of time. Just because you are attracted to both men and women does not preclude you from being intimate with just one particular individual at a time. It means the person you choose to be monogamous with may be either a man or a woman. If your relationship was to end and you chose another partner for a monogamous relationship, you may again choose a man or woman.

Eventually, we have to stop defining people by their partners. Every person is an individual. A woman with a man is not necessarily heterosexual. A woman with a woman is not necessarily a lesbian. A woman is a person, with her own sexuality, who chose her partner based on her preferences (sexual and otherwise). That sexuality is not overt or visible in either relationship, and I don't believe it needs to be. I think we want to believe that sexuality is visible - when we see a woman with a man we want to believe each person's "heterosexuality" is visible.

Maybe the real issue is that we want sexuality to be more "rule-based," less of a choice. Maybe it is hard to believe some people inherently like women, some like men, some like both. "Both" seems like a choice to those who don't feel those feelings. Maybe this is hard for the gay and lesbian community since they have been told by idiots that they should "choose" not to be gay. I don't think sexuality is ever a choice, even for bisexuals. A bisexual may choose to be with a man or a woman, but their sexuality is not a choice.

I think you did a gret job explaining the evolution of discovering sexual identity of so many lesbians.  I really don't think that straight people can even begin to understand the pressure to conform to heterosexuality that exists.  Since sexuality, in all the forms sexuality takes, is not taught in schools and since most parents aren't going to teach it either, so many of us don't understand or can't interpert the feeling we have for same sex people. 

It's funny you brought up that L Word quote.  I kept trying to figure a way to work that into this post as I was writing it.  But I couldn't work in.  I think that was a rather apt line.  

I do like the more encompassing term queer.  Though where I live, queer is not really an all encompassing term (at least not in the average midwesterner vocabulary), it just means gay. Give us 10 or 20 years and we'll catch up with the coasts.

"I think you hit the issue - what does it mean to be bisexual if you're monogamous?"

You know, the funny thing is, in the relationship I"m in now, my insitance on trying to figure out if I was gay or bi had to do with the guilt left over from my catholic upbringing, until I decided that it there was nothing wrong with being gay.  So now, it doesn't matter, I am what I am.  However, I if I think about, what would happen if I were suddenly single at this point in my life and then ended up in a monogamous relationship with a man, I think I'd be instistent on identifying as bi.  Not because I think being bi gives you lisence to not be monogamous, but because I think I hold some predudices about the term straight.  So, while in theory, I think if you're monogamous what difference does it make to identify as bi, I also understand why someone would. 

Does that make sense? 

Zoe, you are right on.  In my opinion, much of the confusion around this issue of the "B" stems from 2 primary old-school issues (where women are concerned).  1.  Gay women are not feminine.  2.  Lesbians (or Bisexual women) know they are gay from puberty.

False and False.

I see more and more articles and discussions rotating around shattering these stereotypes.  But it is a seldom discussed issue and we have years and years of "programming" to overcome.  From my experience and discussions, it is a very very small margin of LGBT women who are "gold stars."  That is to say, most lesbians took a long while past puberty to discover / realize/ learn they were not straight and there can be husbands/boyfriends along the way.  This doesn't match with most people's model.  "But you were married for 10 years!" "But you have 3 kids!" "But you have long hair and nails and are beautiful - how can you be gay?"

 I probably know 300 maybe 500 LGBT women.  I know 3 who have never been with men by choice.  This surprises most.

It also does seem to be a fact that Bi women are not taken seriously.  I think much of this comes from the fact that many lesbian women (mentioned above) "evolve" from men to women as their primary partner.  They then apply this to everyone and assume "she's just not all the way there yet."

I tend to think sexuality is a spectrum but I will say that most women I've known who claim to have been bisexual, now identify as lesbian.  Lindsey Lohan is what, 22?  Time will tell, but if you would have asked me (and most of my friends) 15 years ago we would have identified as B also.  I think the majority just form the stereotype that pushes aside the minority Bs.  I think Lword did a good job of imitating reality on this issue - they all mocked the token B:  "I'm looking for the same thing in a man as I am in a women"  -- her friend interjects "yeah, big t**s"

Good issue to blog about...   there are still a lot of misperceptions.

Tina Righter

www.RightistWrongs.com ( http://www.RightistWrongs.com )

Oregon has a very out bisexual legislator, Kate Brown. I'm looking forward to seeing what Lindsay Lohan identifies as: will she, or will she just say she's dating a woman? I think more and more, there's less need to identify oneself, and a reason why I just prefer the encompassing term queer.

hah. One big dysfunctional family is more like it. But still family. :-)

I think you hit the issue - what does it mean to be bisexual if you're monogamous?

After spending YEARS on queer message boards, that's still the question. There are a bunch of bisexuals on boards who feel like being bi means never having to BE monogamous and they don't understand why their current partner doesn't agree. Then there are a bunch of bisexuals on boards who do believe in monogamy and are ready to BE monogamous but their partners don't trust them enough to try.

~Denise
BlogHer Community Manager

Flamingo House Happenings ( http://www.flamingohouse.net/ )