So I was 38 weeks pregnant yesterday.

And yet I still hold a valid ticket and hotel reservation for this.

Seriously. SERIOUSLY. This conference is less than one month after my due date.

Back over the winter when I was.... obviously delusional? I thought,
I'll just get a ticket. Who knows, maybe she'll be early and then it
won't be a problem!!

Well, she's not early, at least not yet. And even if she is.... it makes no sense.

I cannot drag a newborn to Chicago for a conference. And it's not like I can leave her behind. Seriously, logically, using all my sanity I know I can't go.

And oh my great goodness gracious, it's KILLING me.

My brain knows that going to Chicago on July 23 when I will have - even if I went in to labour *rightnow* - a month old baby in tow would be an operation in sheer insanity. I'd need to start the paperwork process to get her a passport instantly. We'd have to organize flights, cars, carseats, diapers, strollers, slings. Schlep the kid into a taxi, into a hotel, then schlep her all around the conference. Try to figure out which sessions to attend, and which ones to skip, or whether I could make any sessions at all. Try to feed. Try to diaper. Try to sleep. Try
to figure out if I can make it to any parties with a baby or whether
I'm mental for even considering it.

I mean, let's be blunt. At 5 or less weeks, would I even be able to stand up straight? Will my nipples be hamburger? Episiotomies, c-section scars, unbelievable amounts of hair loss? The possibilities for torture are endless.

But I want to go.

There is no awesomeness like BlogHer awesomeness. It's the conference that
leaves you both exhausted and exhilarated. Drained and yet filled with
new love and ideas and strength and energy; the great big feeling of 'I can conquer the world with my MacBook!' and I LOVE that feeling.

And there are a lot of people that I really want to see. People I won't see for at least another year after this, and if I let this opportunity go I'll be disappointed.

But I'll have a newborn, who at this rate will barely have her eyes open. And that makes this entire thing a complete impossibility. Hell, even trying to make it to Nova Scotia to meet my family the first weekend in August will be pushing it.

I know I need to just give my ticket up. I know I need to just cancel my hotel. I know I probably won't even notice the conference going on what with being immersed in newborn-ness. I need to just face the fact that have something more important to do this year, and console myself with the fact that next year I will be all over the joint like dirty on a shirt.

But. Still. WAAAH. I want the friends and the parties and the swag. I want the sessions and the talks and the laughter. I have this vision of wandering around, kid in a sling, me serene and put together and not at all stressed, having a lovely glass of wine while she sleeps the day away.

Honestly, I would even take the vision of me still in maternity pants, wearing the same stained t-shirt I've been wearing for the last three days, staring off in to space in a corner at the Sheraton, just to be there. Just let me get to Chicago and I promise to stay home and behave like a properly harassed new mother for
at least six months afterward, scout's honor!

But I don't think either of those visions display much of a level of sanity, now do they?

I need your help, people. Please, tell me I'm crazy for even considering it, that staying home is the *right* thing to do.

Or at least tell me you'll pick me up some swag.

Shannon blogs at ThreeSeven and saves the world at ecochick.