Baby Steps

I've heard from various sources that mental disorders are hereditary.  All my life I've known that my mother simply didn't get me.  She would become frustrated with me and lash out by saying "you're just like your father!"  Well apparently she was right.  Dear old pops was diagnosed as bipolar and manic depressive back in 2009 and now religiously takes his medication to remain balanced.  

And he gets me.

So when I called him this morning and told him that I cried myself to sleep last night because nobody wants me he told me to just hang on and that everything would be okay.  I didn't tell him that last night's low was triggered by my husband posting on Facebook that he's ready to father children and looking for a wife.  Notice I didn't say ex husband.  Separated....obviously.....but that was enough to convince me that all my hopes of reconciliation and a happy ending are in vain.  All this positive living that I've been dedicated to is for naught.  Ironically the word naught means worthless and that is how I feel right now.  Worthless.

Nobody wants me.  No man has ever wanted me.  My cousins only come around when it benefits them.  And I firmly belive that I'm a terrible friend.  Who wants to be friends with someone who is depressed all the time?  I think my best friend tolerates me because she's afraid I'm going to jump off a bridge one day.  Most people don't return my phone calls and the one person who does is my husband...yet he's scouting for new wives and wombs on Facebook.

Nobody wants me.

It meant a lot to me to talk to my dad though.  His voice was calm and soothing....and understanding.  Something about him saying "I know how you feel.  Just hold on." kind of calmed me down.

We discussed the fact that I have very low self worth but I don't know why.  All my life my father has thought that I was the best thing since Buzz Aldrin walked on the moon (to which he replied better!) but I can't help feeling like nobody wants me.  At the end of the conversation he told me "Me and your stepmother want you." and I believed him.  Did I feel back to 100%?  Not even close.  As a matter of fact I withdrew myself from the typical chat conversations that I have all day long with my friends.  I didn't feel like not discussing how depressed I was and I didn't feel like discussing it and being asked probing questions or given opinions.  So I just sat silent.

And eventually I took a baby step.  I emailed my friends and asked if one of them would be willing to proofread my homework that I'm turning in Monday.  Why is that a baby step you ask?  Because logic was telling me that I was worthless and should stop trying to attain certification.  Logic was telling me that I should just jump off the bridge  But instead I made plans to submit an assignment on Monday....committing myself to still being around whether anybody wants me or not.

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