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Money and romance, yeah, it’s tough.
I’ve always been one of those people who wanted to control her own money, and didn’t feel trusting about sharing. Control issues, you know? Even when I was married, it took a while--I think we were married for 6 years before I agreed to share a bank account. Before than, as I recall, my husband and I took turns dividing the household expenses and paid out of our mutual checking accounts. Keeping your own money just seemed more honest to me, cleaner.
Of course, as time went on, and we bought houses, cars, vacations, schools, a greater part of our finances became merged. And yet, the ex and I both valued—and maintained—a certain independence. During our marriage, we had separate credit cards and almost never looked at one another’s bills; out general agreement was to discuss large purchases (over $150, to start) before we went out and spent the money (of course, shoes were exempt), but for anything smaller, we were on our own.
Needless to say, when I started became single and started dating, the whole issue of who paid for what was, how can I put it, pretty charged. On one hand, I wanted guys to pay for me so I could feel courted and cared for, but then, I didn’t want to feel bought. I wanted men to spend money as a sign of how they perceived my value, but it felt one-sided to allow someone I was going to see more than once or twice to be expected to cover the cost of going out.
And then there was the sex thing, the whole question of what the value exchange was around sex and dating. Did going out with someone and allowing them to pay suggest that after a certain number of dates, you clearly liked them enough to have sex with them? If you paid you own way, or paid for both of your some of the time, were these inevitable assumptions about the value exchange modified enough so that expecting sex wouldn’t be an issue?
And, conversely, if you did choose to have sex with the person, would it then be clear it was because you felt like it, and not our of some sense of obligation and/or gratitude?
It seemed easier, in my dating life, to not always expect men to pay, and in fact, to pay at least half of the time myself as a way to hedge against these issues. Also, after a while, I learned that men weren’t always truthful, as in accurate, about their finances. In reality, when guys talked about all the money they had, and how great their situation was, this was actually courtship behavior. A man could be absolutely broke and yet be telling me he was rich and taking me out for great dinners, movies, concerts, whatever—The male thing was to appear better off, to wine and dine women, to make themselves more appealing in the early stages of a relationship/going out. (Somehow, this male habit to enhance their income seems akin to women’s tendency to reduce either their age, or their weight (or both).
By the time I started going out with A, almost a year ago, I’d been through enough issues with men and money that I realized it was worth talking about early on.
On my second date with A, we starting having discussions about sharing and money and dating, mainly because he, like me, had some questions. Many of his past dates had made less money than he did, and he had picked up most of the going-out costs. In our case, I made as much as A or more. However, as he pointed out, I appeared to be more affluent and middle class than some of his past sweeties—Did I have expensive tastes he possibly couldn’t afford? Was I going to expect him to cover them?
Also, A wanted to know, how did I feel about the idea that maybe I should pay for him? Was having the man pay for everything necessary for me to be comfortable in a dating relationship?
Fortunately, I’d already given these questions some thought.
I said that I liked being taken out, but I didn’t need a man to pay for me all the time. In fact, since I had a good job, I expected I’d take him out sometimes. However, especially in the early
