The Bachelor, Episode 3: More Boring Dates and Venezuelan Mind Games

The last date card was for Chelsie, and Elise was NOT HAVING IT.  Elise keeps telling herself that she has a strong connection with Juan Pablo. Oh, yes…because JP leaves all the girls he has great connections with to hang out at the pool with the rest of the harem while he goes on ridiculous dates.  While Chelsie’s on her date, Elise is on a mission to tell the other women that Chelsie’s, in the words of a Britney Spears song, “a girl, not yet a woman.”  (Elise is 27, while Chelsie’s a “young 24.”)  Worlds apart.

Juan Pablo takes Chelsie the “science educator” to eat Venezuelan food.  Their bellies full, they proceed to head to a bridge to bungee jump.  JP says he wants to make Chelsie feel comfortable, then proceeds to confuse the hell out of her when he says it’s OK if she doesn’t want to do jump, but in the next breath that she should do it for him.  “Look at me, look at me, look at me,” he pleads, like he’s got special hypnotic Venezuelan mind powers.  “I want you to do whatever you want to do.”  The bungee guy apparently wasn’t being paid by the hour because he was ready to GO.  Finally, Chelsie decides to take the leap since she believes JP actually gave her a choice.  (Silly, silly child!)  They jump and make out upside down, which totally scrambles Chelsie’s brain.  Forget about getting a scientific breakdown of what just happened.  Now, she’s talking about how jumping and free-falling is “the epitome of building a relationship” because you can’t have kids with people you don’t trust.  (Sure you can.)

Newly bonded and freshly showered, they have dinner on the steps of Pasadena’s City Hall and discuss their fears.  Juan Pablo says he’s afraid his daughter won’t like him.  Chelsie’s afraid of not being happy.  JP gave her the rose, and Billy Currington serenades them.  That would’ve been awkward if she didn’t get the rose.  JP calls Chelsie “wife material” and a keeper.

Back at the house, Kat and Elise have a chat, and Elise says, “younger girls don’t have experience.” Um, Cassandra just got her license to legally drink and she has a two-year-old child and she’s a 21-year-old mom.  What experience is she referring to? Because Chelsie totes just jumped off a bridge, even though it wasn’t even her decision.  Life experience, bitch!

The day of the rose ceremony, Juan Pablo arrives at the house to make a Venezuelan breakfast for the ladies a/k/a see what they look like without makeup.  The only one awake at that hour is Molly the dog.  Kelly was the first one up because she had to let Molly out.  Kelly saw JP and was mortified, covering her face and running upstairs to put her bra and face on.

Juan Pablo decided to cancel the cocktail party and have a pool party instead.  Nikki and Andi wore fringe bikinis, which were a little too cowgirl for me, and Elise wore an old lady white mesh cover up.

Kat took full advantage of pool time with JP.  She said she wanted to position herself well and apparently that meant having her crotch in his head for 20 minutes as she sat on his shoulders.  Kelly (and by extension, Molly) were not amused, and called Kat a whore who was trying too hard.  (Kelly’s words, but you could tell Molly was thinking the same thing.)

Sharleen wasn’t impressed either and started questioning whether she belonged there.  She starts crying to Juan Pablo because she’s “too real” for this process.  Then they start making out.  What?  I really hope we get to hear her sing before she leaves.

Clare cried in the bathroom to pledge mom Renee about how she’s feeling neglected by Juan Pablo.  She spends some one-on-one time with JP and when asked about the other women getting dates, says, “It’s not a jealousy issue but I wish it was me.”  That’s pretty much the definition of jealousy, Clare.  Danielle the psychiatric nurse was strangely silent during the meltdowns.

At the rose ceremony, Juan Pablo gave roses to Andi, Renee, Kelly (and Molly), Sharleen (whose dress looked like my Mom’s dog’s chewtoy, though she wore it well), Elise and her tacky red sequined dress, Kat, Alli, Clare, Lauren and Danielle.  He sent Christy and free spirit Lucy home.

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