Bachelor Recap: How Do You Say, What's the Word...RIDICULOUS?

Photo courtesy of ABC

Here we are, at the precipice of Season 17.  Get your Closed Captioning ready, folks.  It’s gonna be a helluva ride.  (or not, but more on that later.)  Juan Pablo, or JP, as I’ll refer to him, has a lot of shirtless days (and nights!) in store for us.  There will be some confusion about language, and pronunciation of the term “bachelor” will be three syllables.  Oh, and we also can look forward to crying this season.  Lots of crying.

During last night’s “Countdown to Juan Pablo” special, we learned that JP’s daughter was born on February 14, 2009, and when she was born, JP gave up his professional soccer career for his daughter. (Um, what? Why did he have to choose? I believe a quick phone call with David Beckham would’ve clarified it’s not an either/or.  Also, how can a “special” the night before something happens qualify as a countdown? I’m not great with math, but one does not a countdown make.  But I digress.)

The “special” last night gave a behind-the-scenes glimpse into the show’s casting process, which is exactly what you think it would be. We got to see video submissions from the double jointed, the girl who doesn’t want to watch “Golden Girls” alone for the rest of her life, the girl who can stick her fist in her mouth, and the girl who, in one sentence, encapsulates the reason every woman auditions for the show: “I’m not getting any younger and my eggs aren’t becoming any more fertile.”  Preach.

We also got to see Chris Harrison and other Bachelor crew members “surprise” the women at home with the rose “Big Brother” style.  Lucy, a “free spirit” from California, was surprised by Chris Harrison in a boutique whilst eating bacon, because that’s what we free spirits do while shopping – eat bacon and paw through clothing with our greasy fingers.

Back to tonight’s premiere: Bachelor Sean shows up to give advice to JP (and to plug his upcoming wedding to Catherine, January 26th, only on ABC!) Sean says to have fun, be in the moment, stay open-minded, and don’t let the women see him making out with other women.  Solid advice.  Sean also said his betrothed Catherine “wasn’t even on his radar” for the first few weeks.  That’s gotta make a girl feel sooooo special.

Personally, I think Juan Pablo should meet Bachelorette Emily for drinks, they’ll ride off into the sunset while Camila and Rikki play Barbies together, and we call it a day.  But ABC insists on having a show, so here we go.

Here are some of the single ladies:

Chelsie is a 24-year-old “science educator” from Ohio.  Can’t we just say teacher?

Renee is a 32-year-old single mom and real estate agent from Florida who plays chess and rollerblades. She says she’s ready to be vulnerable so that means she should totally be on this show.

Andi is a 26-year-old prosecutor from Georgia, whose introductory video looked like a cheesy porno (in the courtroom speaking with conviction, marching confidently down the hall with case files, putting on her sunglasses and shaking her long, dark hair, etc.)

Amy is a 31-year-old massage therapist who calls herself a “human body artist” and makes scary noises when she gives people a rubdown.  None of her previous boyfriends enjoyed her massages (can’t say I blame them after seeing her in action).  “I want a man who wants to be rubbed by me!” she exclaims, before fake-feeding JP (a/k/a the camera) with a spoonful of breakfast, airplane-style.  Oy.

Nikki is a 26-year-old pediatric nurse from Missouri.

Lauren H. is a 25-year-old mineral coordinator from Oklahoma whose love life is in the toilet.  She was engaged recently to a guy who broke up with her over the phone and is clearly not ready to be on the show, as evidenced by her many mini-meltdowns at the cocktail party.

Valerie is a 26-year-old personal trainer from a farm town who says she’s pretty and isn’t afraid to claw out someone’s eyeballs over a man.

Lacy is a 25-year-old nursing home owner from California who opened her first elder care facility at the tender age of 20.

Clare is a 32-year-old hairstylist from California whose dad died from brain cancer.  Her father made a DVD for her future husband to watch.  Very sweet, but I really hope she leaves the DVD at home.

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