- Share This Post
- 0
- submit
- 0
-
Sparkle (0)
Last night marked the reality TV wedding event some of you really wanted to miss but couldn’t take your eyeballs off of: The nuptialization of Molly Malaney and ‘Bachelor’ Jason Mesnick! Could this be a testament that the show can work? ABC wants to make a believer out of you, people! Do you believe?
But this picture-perfect wedding-to-be–filled with ‘Bachelor’/'Bachelorette’ contestants and even one booted ‘American Idol’ — was made even less ideal with the fickle downpour (a.k.a. tears of the gods) drenching the couple’s outdoor California wedding ceremony AND mind you, that gorgeous Monique Lhuillier dress.
Here are the highlights that’ll inspire you to sign a pre-nup…
Every Rose Has Its Thorn
To convince us of their new blissful life together in Seattle, Molly piggybacks Jason and giggles. Wow. The twosome then goes on to tell us what life’s been like post-Bachelor: how for ten months they’d fly back and forth from Milwaukee to Seattle to keep their nether regions alive and satisfied; how Molly brought femininity to Jason’s already feminine lifestyle; and how the step mom-to-be pretends to get along with Jason’s little son, Ty, by making Betty Crocker brownies secretly laced with poisonous sugar powder–like from that 80s movie, Flowers in the Attic.
Thanks to ABC, we see old clips of them having oodles of fun and even bungee jumping together. BUNGEE JUMPING?! It’s an ‘Ah-ha!’ moment, folks! There’s something about bungee jumping that deludes these contestants to fall in love! (And Jake and Vienna’s coupledom is the ultimate proof in da puddin.)
But before we can scurry off to plan bungee jumping excursions with our Fabios, here comes the old footage we all knew was coming (yawn): Jason breaking up with a teary-eyed Melissa Rycroft! And then the story of the backlash–haters of Mesnick de Slimeball unite! Not only are we told that the tabloids pounced on Molly the Marsupial and Jason the Ape Man, but apparently, Jason was yelled at by a Pasadena woman! OH NOOO! While Molly narrates this tragic story, Jason is seen sitting on a park bench, squinting his eyes and looking off into the distance–trying to give the impression that a complete thought is passing through his synapsed neurons. If only we had a Celine Dion tune playing in the background…
“Things happen for a reason,” Jason pontificates as he looks back at all the hardships he had to go through to be with his beloved. “She is one piece of badonka donk I cannot lose.”
Updates To Yawn About
To bring on some filler, the cameras give us updates on past Bachelors and Bachelorettes whom we don’t give a flip about anymore.
Jake & Vienna: The man-on-man couple are so aligned with each other that they finish each other’s thoughts! Yippie! “Spend a day with us, we’ll make you throw up!” they laugh. (It doesn’t take a day, buddy boys.)
Jillian & Ed: “Do you want smoothies?” the brunette Canuck asks her hunnie bunny Ed, whose face looks freshly swollen, complemented by his new marine crew cut. He pours creamer into his coffee.
Charlie & Sarah: Kid brother to actor Jerry O’Connell, Charlie the Ogre is quite happy with on-again-off-again love, Sarah. After a year a part, the two have reunited, and it feels so good. All I want to know is: When Charlie speaks, where’s his teeth?
Trista & Ryan: The ancient ‘Bachelor’ couple are the most established of them all, made evident by their two ankle biters. And as most parents of little ones, the two try to convince us they’re happy, but it appears that Ryan is going through post-partum depression.
Wedding Factory Fit for a Network
Although ABC has dominion over all the planning for the big day–from the Neil Lane wedding bands to the Macy’s gift registry (We [heart] you, Martha Stewart kitchen utensils!), at least the producers have been merciful enough to let Jason and Molly pick out their invitations and the flavor of the cake.
And by the by, where’s lispy British celeb wedding planner Colin Cowie when you need him? Well, at least the planner they chose, prissy Jo Gartin, has a British accent. British accents make everything better.
In other news, while Jason is busy getting his back waxed, Molly-pop, sister, and mom skirt off to meet designer Monique Lhuillier, who greets them unenthusiastically as if they’re D-Listers polluting her beautiful store. But never you mind that! Whoosh! In comes a Pretty Woman montage moment of Molly trying on different
