The Bachelor TV Recap: The Women Tell All, Rozlyn Fails
The estrogen levels did not disappoint on 'The Women Tell All' showdown, especially when the vengeful Rozlyn Papa came onto the scene. She was mean, nasty, and a total tool--undone by her own fibs. But what did disappoint, you ask so feverishly? It would've been nice if the audience could've asked some stinkin' questions! And by the by, multi-colored shades of orange via tanning beds doesn't count as diversity.
Here are the highlights that'll make you chew up your rose petals and spit 'em out...
Who needs an all-star 'Bachelor'/'Bachelorette' reunion when we get to see scrumpdiddilyumptious segments like last night's past losah contestants swinging their badonkadonks in Vegas and Mexico? Apparently, the rejects of shows past have decided to meet up regularly in spicy locations to have week-long fills of lecherous butt crunching and exchanges of the highest class of STDs known to man. Satanic Wes Hayden from last season's 'Bachelorette' brags that after the show he's been getting "a thousand more nibbles" (and we figure a thousand more crabs) than ever before. We also see that his cohorts, Robbie (a.k.a. Eugene Levy II), Kiptyn (is he still in the closet?), and Juan (a.k.a. Wil Wheaton II) living up the good times. Not surprisingly, Reid is nowhere to be found. What a mensch.
Philanthropy at Its Cheesiest
Wow, has the 'Bachelor' franchise become a non-profit?! In one of the most head-scratching fillers of all time, our already polluted neurons become very confused at the sight of past contestants lending their time for charitable causes (that's ok, none of them had real jobs anyway). In exchange for appearing selfless and concerned for others less fortunate than themselves, the producers guaranteed each of them a year's supply of KY Jelly (the warming kind) and oodles of Trojans to keep them warm and well-fed in bed.
Among the charitable causes, we see bachelor and bachelorettes paint murals with 5th graders, Chris and Jake giving laptops to St. Lucian students, Chris giving a cardboard check to the American Red Cross for Haiti on the Ellen Show, and female contestants offering food to hungry folks that they would've normally puked up. Speaking of females, Don Juan smiles into the camera and says, "Giving back to the community is part of Man Code--I gotta live up to it!" Say wha?! Since when did this effeminate mutha chucka abide by Man Code?!
As Chris introduces the seated bachelorettes, there's noticeable applause when Corrie's name is called (guess there weren't a lot of Plan B believers in da house), as well as for Ali. Gia, whose lips resembled that of a duck-billed platypus, also got a good dose of lovin'.
Notable Quotables About Tenley
Jessie: "She's like a Disney character."
Vienna: "She dreams in cartoons."
[And the winner] Gia: "She sh--- rainbows!"
Notable Quotable About Vienna
Ashleigh (fresh from being roseless): "White-trash trailer fu----- wh---!"
And with that wonderful tribute to the Floridian babe, Chris extends the discussion to the girls so they can trash her.
Like a broken record player, Ella says that Vienna is immature and doesn't know when to shut her trap, but Gia comes to her defense and says regardless, she deserves love! Wheee!
As a transition, Chris turns to Elizabeth and scolds her for her little no-kissing games and basically tells her she's stupid.
The Case Against Rozzie
The host now comes to the juicy part of the show, letting all the girls schpeel about the bad girl who started all the 'Bachelor' madness: Rozlyn. Here are all the horn-dog situations they claim the skinny bizatch with double-D's was involved in:
1) Christina says she and others saw some serious thigh touching between Roz and the producer.
2) Jessie (a.k.a. The Flamenco Dancer) says she found the ginormous upper-lipped single mom on top of the producer making out on the stairs.
3) Ella said she and a few other ladies saw the model crouched on all fours, bootie sticking up and out, telling them: "If you see the producer, tell him I need to be put to bed."
Whoa there, that's some X-rated schtuff! But before the celebrity wannabe makes a guest appearance to defend herself and hate on Chris, let's talk highlights on Gia and Ali's turn in the hot seat!
Gia, Oh Mama Mia, Spaghetti and Meatballs!
Gia blabbers on about how she wished she could've told Jake she was in love with him, blaming it on lack of confidence. But why should the sweet girl feel insecure when she's got a face that belongs to Madame Tussaud's Wax Museum? To make herself feel better, she jabs at Michelle and says that from now on, she's going to go Michelle's route and spill her guts out to future men. Michelle laughs for a milisecond and then stops and looks angry.
Michelle = The Neverending Scary
Donned in a black widow's dress with black Ozzie Osbourne nails--and thanks to Nice and Easy--a darker, ominous mane, Michelle tries to convince all of America that she's seriously not a freak. She also concludes that you can't fall in love on the show and intimates her portrayal was somewhat manipulated. Ali interjects by commenting on Scary Spice's closed-off attitude: "You looked like it was a time of 'waiting.' I looked at it as a great way to bond with amazing women." Elizabeth adds that there wasn't any need for much editing since Michelle is authentically the creepiest crawly that ever slept in the bunny mansion. On the verge of imploding and hexing the girls, Michelle retorts that her friends and family view her as completely normal and that she doesn't need a therapist. Valishia very quietly and respectfully corrects Lady Darkness with a statement: "Maybe you're a little emotionally unstable."
We've Heard the Airplane Quote Before, Ali
Chris invites Ali to the hot seat and she bores us with the exact same quotes we've been reading in the gossip glossies and been seeing on the Ellen show. "I thought he'd come get me! He's a pilot! Come find me!" she repeats with nervous laughter. Silence ensues by an unamused and tired audience. An older lady whispers that she'd rather have a hot flash than hear this bull honkey again.
In a frantic search to find new words, the 25-year-old explains why she initially left Jake: "I don't deal with my emotions, so I bury myself with work. It helps me get through things. I was mostly scared that if I stayed, it'd make Jake feel like he owed it to me. I had bills to pay...plus I had to by some new suede boots from Zappos since all of America's been on my freakin' case ever since I jumped into the beach and ruined my old pair." Chris also mentions her bad relationship with Vienna, to which she responds her regrets for being so mean. Stifling her laughter with all her might by hiding behind her ginormous yellow hair extensions, she also says Vienna doesn't deserve being trashed by the tabloids. To avoid exploding with seizures of laughter himself, Chris changes the subject and asks if, knowing what she knows now, she would have changed her decision. "I would choose love over work--but I would've fought like hell to get that job back, jack!" she concludes.
Nasty Girls Don't Mean a Thang
As Ali's segment concludes, we see Rozlyn walking backstage, dressed in a number quite fitting for Pat Benatar's "Love Is a Battlefield" music video. Eating a bucket of KFC with some slaw on the side, the exact same ogre of a P.A. who who helped escort her out on the second episode is with her once again to make sure she doesn't sniff around for remnants of the fat ex-producer's belongings.
In one of the most mean-spirited, bizatch-revealing moments on 'Bachelor' history, Miss Nasty Cakes plants her bony bum in the hot seat and tries to undo Chris with her memorized verbal onslaught--but Chris is too tan and Botox'd to show emotion.
The epic convo commences like so:
Chris: "This turned out to be a she said/he said between you and I. I have no ill will towards you at all."
Rozlyn: "Well, well, Mr. Toucan, I was preparing for a cage match!"
Chris: "Did you ever touch the producer's pee pee?"
Rozlyn: "Nope. Never. His Buddha belly was way too big--I couldn't get a good reach in."
Chris: "I confronted you initially and said a line was crossed. If nothing happened, why at no point did you stop me?"
Rozlyn: "I sometimes do naughty things when I sleep-crawl on all fours--I thought that's what you may have been referring to. Besides, I thought you could've also meant I was in trouble because I used the producer's cell to make an emergency call to my son: I was expecting a family pack of Summer's Eve from Drugstore.com and told my son he'd better be there when UPS delivered it."
Chris: "I'm going to ask you again: Was there wee wee touching?"
Rozlyn [bitterly sarcastic]: "I'm sorry you're having such a hard time understanding."
Chris [condescendingly]: "When my son starts telling me a story about unicorns...(crowd cackles)..isn't the simplest story true? You bumped uglies with the producer--just admit it, you blond bizatch! But before you can talk back to me, we're going for a commercial break!"
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