Bachelorette Finale: Desiree Gets Her Fairytale Proposal

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To kick off the second half of the season 9 finale of The Bachelorette last night, host Chris Harrison recapped the first half succinctly: “Desiree gave her heart completely to someone who didn’t love her back…Desiree was left…virtually hopeless.” Nice setup, ABC. Real nice.

We picked up where we left off last Monday – with Desiree crying in Antigua to a sad music soundtrack (cue the violins), after bachelor Brooks has left the show early, telling Des he wasn't in love with her. Des changed out of her heinous outfit into a maxidress for the obligatory “where do we go from here?” chat with Harrison, who asked how she was doing. Des said OK, but he called bullshit, and she dissolved into a puddle of tears on the porch, sobbing that she just wanted to go home.

Harrison asked about the other guys who didn’t peace out: If Brooks hadn't part of the equation, what would she have done? Des dodged the question, evaluating the two remaining guys themselves: She’s comfy with Chris Siegfried, and Drew’s the “sweetest guy in the whole world,” which every guy wants to hear. Des wanted to see the process through, and see if she has feelings for the other two guys. (In the next couple hours? Really? Putting pressure on it, much?)

Harrison told her there will be a rose ceremony that day--which I’m 100 percent confused about, since there are only two guys left and usually at this point it’s picking the husby/winner. Des looked like she’s in shock and/or going to a funeral. “It’s just sad because I had hopes and now I don’t,” she said in a voiceover, as Harrison welcomed the guys to the “ceremony.”

Harrison told the guys that Brooks is no longer there, but that it wasn't his story to tell, and so he left it to Des to fill them in. She told the guys that Brooks sent himself home and it rocked her world, but she won’t let it break her spirit. When she gave out roses (in the most pointless rose ceremony ever), she broke down in tears, which made them feel great, I’m sure--though they happily accepted their roses.

Bachelorette season 9 finale Des Chris
Image: ABC

Back in the studio, Harrison asked random people in the audience (apparently, they’re members of the “Bachelor Nation”) for their predictions, which was a total waste of time, because who the hell cares what they think? It’s like Desiree called Domino’s and they told her they’re out of pepperoni (Brooks) but they could substitute sausage (Chris) or bacon (Drew) free of charge. Please! Anything with a pulse!!!!!!

In the meantime, Des changed into a hideous belly shirt for her horseback date with Drew at a place called Rendezvous Bay (but should really be called Heartbreak Point), where she informed Drew (sporting two shades of purple–one on the top and one on the bottom) that he’d be riding a horse named Judy (the only riding he’d be doing that night!). They had polite, awkward elevator chatter on the way to the beach. Drew made a toast to being “madly in love,” but Des wasn't feeling it, so she dumped him. Right there. While wearing a sombrero belly shirt. You’d think after what happened the first time she wore a belly shirt, she’d opt for another look. Burn the belly shirts! (What’s the deal with her Antigua wardrobe? Did United lose her luggage? Was that all that was available at the hotel gift shop? Why is she wearing clothes straight out of the Debbie Gibson “Electric Youth” collection?)

Drew, being the sweet guy that he is, consoled Des, telling her that she shouldn’t apologize for not being in love with him. Poor Drew didn’t seem to know what was going on until about he was about halfway down the beach. They’re dropping like flies! And it’s not even halftime yet!

The next day, it was Chris' turn; their date took place on a boat. The guys were clearly instructed by the show's producers to wear all the pastels they own, ALL AT ONCE. Chris told Des, “I’ll be there for you,” essentially quoting the Friends theme song, which was a nice departure from his “poems.” They sipped punch from plastic mugs and watched fish jump. It must have been magical punch, because Des emerged from the boat beaming and was practically skipping to dinner. Pollyanna and Chris toasted, playing the “Glad Game,” and discussing the “natural flow” of their relationship. Chris marveled about how they always are able to pick up where they left off, which shouldn’t actually be too hard when you see each other every day. Des waxed philosophical about how everything happens for a reason.

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