The Bachelorette: The Men Tell All (Except What's In The Confidentiality Agreement)

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We’re at that point in season 8 of The Bachelorette where Chris Harrison finally asks the guys “what the hell was wrong with you when you called Ricki baggage” and “are you that douche-y in real life?”  (The answers are: I’m just bein’ me and yes, respectively.)  Below are a few of my initial observations... 

Holy spray tan, Batman!  It looked like quite a few of the rejects took a detour to the “Dancing with the Stars” set and made liberal use of the unlimited spray tan facilities.

Only 17 of the guys showed up.  (I’m no math major, but I’m pretty sure even if you add Arie and Jef-with-one-f that’s not 25.)

Ryan looked like a Jesus Ken doll.  Ridiculous.

Kalon and Ryan are the two least self-aware guys on the planet.

Emily opened [at least 2] guys’ eyes to love (Chris and Sean).

The newly single Chris Harrison finally seemed to call bull$hit on a couple of the guys, which was refreshing.

Here are some of the highlights:

That awkward first-and-last kiss with Doug...

As you may recall, Emily had complained that Doug never tried to kiss her on their dates.  Emily has finally had enough, and is giving Doug the kiss off, when he swoops in for the most awkward breakup kiss ever.  Like Emily said, “I’ve never had the breakup talk and my first kiss with someone in the same conversation.”  Poor Doug!

Travis and his ostrich egg...

In the behind-the-scenes footage, we see Travis and Emily tucking “Shelly the ostrich egg” into one of the beds and singing him/her/it a lullaby.  If a guy asked me to sing “Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star” to a giant egg, I’d kick him out so fast his head would spin.  Honestly, why would you reward that behavior with a rose?

Travis had another memorable moment when he tried to do an English accent during the Shakespeare-themed date, and sounded more like Apu from “The Simpsons” (the Indian convenience store guy).

Who will be on Bachelor Pad?

Chris, Tony and Kalon.  From the previews, it looks like there will be lots of boo-hoo-ing from both genders.  Also, Blakeley the VIP cocktail waitress really needs to win so she can “buy groceries and gas.”  Um, why is Tony on the show?  Didn’t he leave early this season because he couldn’t stand to be away from his kid?  Oh, and apparently Lindzi Cox/Marcia Brady now has a thing for Kalon.  Ew…

Ryan in the hot seat...

Ryan claims he is very confident and not arrogant.  Chris Harrison asked him if there was a chance Ryan was an arrogant ass, and Ryan said no.  Ryan admitted that he’d had several conversations with a few of the “top guys” that he thought he’d be in the final two and, worst case scenario, he’d get to be the Bachelor.  Chris Harrison said there was no way that was going to happen.  (I heart you, Chris Harrison!)

Kalon in the hot seat...

Chris Harrison asked Kalon what he would think about a guy who arrived to a party in a helicopter and Kalon said, 100 percent seriously, that he would be genuinely interested in that person.  What. A. Douche.  Kalon said he had two friends on the show, Chris and Tony, neither of whom said particularly nice things about their “friend” at the reunion.  Chris Harrison tried to give Kalon a chance to clear the air and express any regrets and DoucheLord had not a one.  Not even telling Emily to shut up on two occasions.   Desperate for a friend, Kalon was so far up Ryan’s ass defending him.  He said Ryan was nice, humble, honest and genuinely concerned about the guys in the house.  I don’t know what show he was watching but it clearly wasn’t this one.

courtesy of ABC

Emily in the hot seat...

Emily clearly despises Kalon, telling him he’s full of bull$hit.  Apparently he recently tweeted a picture of a baggage claim captioned “thought for sure I’d see Emily here.”  She pretty much cut him down to size, knocking his Prada shoes and rented helicopter.  Emily said she was happy to see Sean and that he was a wonderful guy.  She asked the audience, “What girl wouldn’t want Sean?”  Um, present company excluded, of course.  That wasn’t awkward.  AT ALL.  Oh, and Ryan kept winking at Emily and it was pretty creepy.

Blooper Reel!

During the Muppets date, one of the Muppets asked Chris Harrison if the show would ever consider having puppets on the show, and he said they already did, with Jake Pavelka (zing!)

Chris went commando in his kilt during the Highland Games tug-o-war and Doug couldn’t find a comfortable place to look, as he begged Chris to put “it” away.

Oh, here’s another fun fact.  Emily makes cat videos.  Let’s get her married off before that cat’s out of the bag! (Pun intended.)

So, we’re down to the final two.  Will it be Arie, the racecar driver with the cold-as-ice family?  Or Jef, who pronounces “picture” like “pitcher”?  (That would drive me crazy, by the way.)  The finale is on Sunday, followed by a live After the Final Rose and a new season of Bachelor Pad on Monday.

Are you Team Arie?  Team Jef?  Or Team I-Don’t-Care-I-Just-Want-My-Summer-Back?  Let me know in the comments!

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