The Bachelorette: Emily Maynard is Back - Did You Watch?

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Welcome to the all-new, “dramatically different” season of The Bachelorette!  Um, not really, but nice try, ABC. 

Sure, the show is filming in Emily’s hometown of Charlotte, North Carolina, but this isn’t the first time a single parent held the title role (Jason Mesnick, anyone?) This may be the first time that the child wasn’t shipped somewhere while mommy/daddy went lookin’ for love in a McMansion, but it’s not the first time ever.

Image courtesy of ABC

For those who aren’t familiar with Emily’s story, she was engaged to Bachelor Brad last year (the second time he did the show) but the couple split in June.  Back in 2004, she was engaged at 18-years-old to race car driver Ricky Hendrick, but he died tragically in a plane crash just before she found out she was pregnant with her daughter, Ricki.  I liked Emily when she was on The Bachelor, and I thought she was too good for Brad last year.  (Then again, I also liked Ben during Ashley’s season and we all remember what a dolt he turned out to be.)

In anticipation of tonight’s episode, I browsed ABC’s website that featured the prospective bachelors for Emily.  Here are some of America’s finest:

  • Mushroom farmer
  • Data destruction specialist (er, shredder? Is that like being the “Sandwich Artist” at Subway?)
  • Race car driver – gee, you think he has a shot?  May as well hang it up now, folks.
  • Luxury Brand Consultant (translation: Daddy has lots of money so I spend it.)
  • Lumber trader (so, Home Depot?)
  • Party MC – no, I’m not making this up.

Before the guys arrived in their limos, Chris Harrison (he of the exaggerated hand gestures) and Emily had a fireside chat that lasted FOREVER (or at least 15 minutes).  She’s nervous!  She wants to find her husband and have a minivan full of babies!  She’s giving up a lot to be here!  (Um, actually not so much.  She’s living in her own house and filming across town.  ABC has shipped in 25 guys who are tripping over themselves to meet her.  And she had a nanny.  Not so bad.)

Limo #1 brings us Jackson, the 29-year-old fitness model from Lockport, Illinois who got down on one knee and uttered, “Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the number of moments that take our breath away.”  Ugh.  Creepy.  Who knew suburban Chicago was a hotbed for fitness models?

Limo #2 held Alessandro, a grain merchant from Minneapolis (huh?) and Aaron, a 36-year-old who told her “I’m a high school biology teacher but I’m here to have chemistry with you.”  Ugh.

Limo #3 was definitely the party limo.  Jef, the do-gooder entrepreneur, rode in on a skateboard behind the limo.  Lerone was there, too.  He’s the single guy with a Chihuahua.  On purpose.  I’m a tad leery of guys who have small dogs by choice.  Stevie the “Party MC” brought his own boom box and did a dance for Emily.  And let’s not forget Tony, the lumber trader who introduced himself as “Charming – Prince Charming” and put a glass slipper on her foot.  Clearly a fetishist.

Limo #4 was… strange.  Randy, a marketing manager who is old enough to know better, came dressed as a Grandma complete with a wig, cane and Snuggie.  He ripped them off to reveal…a suit vest!  Put the Snuggie back on!  Put the Snuggie back on!  41-year-old Brent has 6 kids and was there to adopt Emily.  (Not really, but he was old enough to be her father and it was kind of creepy.)  Then there was John, aka “Wolf” to his friends, the Human Shredder.  And we mustn’t forget Travis, the guy who brought an ostrich egg which he explained was symbolic of Emily and her daughter, and that he’ll care for the egg like he’ll care for them.  This reminds me of the Phantom of the Opera mask guy the last time around.  We’ll see how long that lasts.

The Weirdo Parade continued with Limo #5 – first up was Michael the “Rehab Consultant,” who gave her a guitar pick so she could remember him as “Musical Mike from Austin.” It would’ve been way funnier if he’d handed her a can of beans, and had the same effect.  And finally, douchebag Kalon arrived in a helicopter in the middle of the lawn.  (He’s the Luxury Brand Consultant, in case you couldn’t guess.)

At the cocktail party, the men mingled and talked about Emily’s charity works and sparkling personality.  Ha ha! Totally kidding!  They were talking about what a MILF she is.  Seriously, they toasted her as “the hottest mom in the world.”   Emily sweetly tried to make American women not hate her by saying “this never happens to me in the grocery store.”  Sure it doesn’t.  The guys were literally tripping over themselves to talk to her.  Chris had custom bobble heads made of him and Emily and started having a conversation with her via Bobble Head Theater.  Then she was whisked off by Doug, who has an 11-year-old son named Austin who wrote a one-page testimonial to Emily, his dad’s non-girlfriend.  Emily read the letter aloud and was clearly touched when she got to this part: “My dad is the best dad ever because he TUCKS ME IN EVERY NIGHT.”  Dad may have scored a first-impression rose, but Austin’s getting his ass kicked at school tomorrow.

The Egg Warmer and Helicopter Guy got roses.  Ugh.  Don’t encourage them, Em.

So, what do we have to look forward to this season?  According to the preview: a visit with the Muppets, archery, picnics, a makeout sesh on the floor of a library, a Dolly Parton concert and Emily telling someone to f-off.  Cheers!

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