The Bachelorette: A Rainbow Connection

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For last night’s episode of The Bachelorette (did I mention it’s the 8th freakin’ season?) Chris Harrison had to break it down for the guys so they’d know what they signed up for: (1) there are 2 one-on-one dates up for grabs, (2) if you get a one-on-one, you must pack your bags because you might not get a rose/return to the house, (3) not everyone will get a date, (4) yada, yada, yada…  As if people don’t know the rules by now.

Ryan, the professional sports trainer from Atlanta, scored the first one-on-one date.   He’s cute, but not the sharpest knife in the drawer.  His date card read: “Ryan, be my king in the queen city.”  When asked by another guy what that meant, he said he didn’t know “but I do know that my pastor always said if you treat a woman like a queen then she’ll treat you like a king.”  I think I was supposed to swoon.  I didn’t.  Ryan was jazzed to get the first date, his limited mind undoubtedly swirling with ideas for the fabulous adventure that awaited him.  Instead, Emily drove him to her house where they baked cookies for her daughter Ricki’s soccer practice.  Loved the look on his face when they turned into her driveway and she put the car in park.

Ryan was like: “This just got real.”  Really, Ryan?  Just now?  Not 15 minutes ago when you were putting all that product in your hair which, by the way, was very distracting as it looked like you had gum cut out of it?   Good for her that she isn’t taking everyone skydiving or mountain climbing or to picnic in a sports coliseum.  And good for her that she isn’t introducing her daughter to the guys, or anyone for that matter.  I would’ve asked Ryan to stay in the car, too, if I was snack mom.

While Ryan was on his date, the guys hung out at the pool in what clearly became North Carolina’s Giant Sausage Fest.  Seriously, there were so many guys in that little pool it was a little porn-y looking.   The date card came and it was for the dreaded group date. 13 guys were invited to “set the stage for love,”  to which Luxury Goods Importer Kalon actually said, “I embrace the stage…I was Pinocchio in my first grade play.”  Wow, I’m so impressed.  You played a wooden boy.  Stunned, actually.

The next day was the group date, where the 13 guys got to put on a performance with The Muppets to benefit Emily’s dead fiancee’s charity (a local children’s hospital).

Miss Piggy said she was down with taking Emily’s leftovers.  Kermit hit on Emily and zipped up her dress.  Some guys sang the “Rainbow Connection”, some guys danced, and some did stand-up comedy, coached by Fozzy Bear.  Given last season’s colossal fail in the comedy department (remember William “joking” that he was disappointed that Ashley was the bachelorette and not Emily?) I was surprised the show decided to go there again.  No, I’m not.  The showrunner is Heidi Fleiss’ brother – what really surprised me was that they chose to do it with kids in the audience this time around.  It wasn’t comedy, it was more like dying onstage, and even Fozzy buried his head in his furry paws.  When Miss Piggy gives you a pity laugh, you know you’re not getting a rose.

Emily Maynard and Kermit the Frog courtesy of ABC

Charlie was freaked out because he has a speech problem from his traumatic brain injury.  He talked to Emily about it, and was switched to singing.  But his relief was short-lived, as the Bachelorette producers decided to put him on a dating game show with Miss Piggy, which seemed a little mean.  The group raised $20,000 for the charity, so I can’t bag on them too much.

At the after-party, Kalon really rubbed the guys the wrong way.  He cut in while DJ Jazzy Stevie was slow dancing with Emily (no music was playing) and then invited Emily to sit down – at her own party.  Aaron the biology teacher cut in, and Kalon gave him the stink-eye.  Stevie called Kalon a douche, and Wolf, the Data Destruction Expert, noted: “I have a rule. If you have Louis Vuitton luggage, and you’re a dude, you’re an ass----.”

The last one-on-one date went to nice guy Joe, the field energy advisor that reminds Emily of Matthew McConaughey.  They took a private jet to Greenbrier, a fancy resort in West Virginia that Emily used to visit as a child.  Emily tried valiantly to get Joe to give her a straight answer on his five-year plan and his plans for the future, but he went all psychotherapist on her: “Well, what does it mean to you?”   During dinner, Emily took Joe to the “love clock” in the dining room.  It’s a tradition at the resort that newlyweds or couples write love wishes or notes and place them in the clock and, according to Emily, they’re “supposed to stand the test of time.”  In this case, it didn’t last through dessert.  Joe got the boot.

At the pre-rose ceremony cocktail party, Emily made a point of telling the guys what a good guy Joe was and Kalon couldn’t stop smirking.  Ugh.  Get rid of him already.

Emily spent a moment with Arie, where he told her he’d dated a woman who had children.  They were cute together.

Poor Tony the lumber guy spent the entire episode talking about how crucial it was for him to get some alone time with Emily.  He finally gets up the nerve and walks into the room where Emily and Ryan are talking and – awkward alert!  Before Tony could interrupt, Ryan pulled out his craft project.  Turns out he’d written her a love letter on notebook paper with words scratched out.  Poor Tony had to stand there and listen to her read the 7-page letter.  For 15 minutes.  Hey Ryan, here’s a thought.  Spend a little less time on the hair product and a little more time writing your letter.

I’d also like to point out that if a woman wrote a missive like that after a first date, there wouldn’t be a second, guaranteed.  She’d be classified as a stalker.  I personally find it creepy that a guy would profess all these “feelings” after just one date.

Emily trimmed the group to 16.  Tune in next week to get your burning questions answered, like: Where’s the ostrich egg? Why was Tony was crying? Will Kalon’s smirk be smacked off his face?