Backtalk: Would you friend your kids on Facebook? Twitter about your ex?

My mom, along with my aunt and several cousins all have facebook pages and I think it's awesome having them, ESPECIALLY my mom, as friends on the site. I'm not a "wild and crazy kid" with anything to hide from her so maybe that's why it hasn't caused any type of problems. She is just as addicted to the site as I am! She always invites me to join games with her and such. I find it quite funny that people are refusing to be friends with their parents- as if it's embarassing... I love my mom and love having a way to connect with her. She recently allowed my 10 year old sister to have a page on the site. Myspace on the other hand... that's a different story completely...

If your priest is on Facebook, someone should code an e-confession application. I am sure someone is working on it:-)

My son is 18 and in college. I never wanted to be his friend. I want be a Mother that he knows will always love him and trust him to do the right thing because I raised him well, passed no judgment on his friends, and always taught him how to make good decisions.

I think its creepy for a parent to want to be a friend of their child on facebook not to mention overly controlling. If you can't give your child space and trust them to act responsibly, than you are going to end up smothering them and they will passive aggresively find a way to release their tension.

You are a parent and not their friend. Your job is to teach them well and trust them to make good decisions based on the strength of your parent / child relationship. It is not you to judge who they are friends with but to be proud of the diversity of your child's choice of friends and their choice not to participate in bad behavior even if their friends do.

When I read comments about adults judging other children, it hurts me to realize that most adults haven't grown past the click mentality. You judge other children while praising yours. Its very disturbing to me how some soccer moms are still stuck in a juvenial mentality.

The woman who previously posted--scroll up--that while her child's facebook is fine, her child's facebook friends had disatisfactory facebook pages, according to her. How dare you judge another child?

Why do some moms feel it necessary to put down other children. If they are airing their opinion about other children on a comment, I can only imagine what they are saying to their own children, and perpetuating a dialogue of prejudice and judgement....this is never good parenting!!!!

If you really thought you were a good parent maybe you wouldn't be so worried about your child!!

or definitely not use it the way I would normally. And that isn't necessarily a good thing. If a teen wants to do something, they'll find a way and an outlet. I know I did :-)

My college student daughter told me a couple years ago that I couldn't get a Facebook, it's just for "us"...the young. However, she often shared it with me, showing me pictures and comments, friends profiles etc. I never felt excluded, or that she was hiding anything. Because she was so open, I didn't feel like it was necessary for me to get a profile and friend her. Then several months ago, we were talking about it again, all my friends were getting on Facebook. Later that night, while we were watching TV she was busy making a profile for me...without my knowledge! The first thing she did was to add herself as my friend.

She has since suggested friendships with her friends, and has also befriended and interacts with both my brother and her step-mom. It is nice to have that little extra connection.

I would say, be their friend. You don't have to be intrusive, but it is helpful to know what kinds of people they are interacting with. I think that it has become a part of the parenting landscape. 

Coincidentally, my daughter's little brother who is 10 recently got a MySpace account. His mom decided that he could. He requested is big sister, my daughter, to be his friend. When she accepted and was able to view his profile she was shocked!! Cuss words, nude women...a little man trying to act like a player! Yikes! I contacted his mom, who is now monitoring him more closely...and since I love the kid, I will be watching too.

Kelly at The Glass Dragonfly ( http://theglassdragonfly.com )

Can't wait to see more!

I'm pretty open on my Facebook. I don't have to deal with the kids question, but I am friends with my boss! :)

Liz Rizzo ( http://blogher.org/blog/liz-rizzo )

I blog at Everyday Goddess ( http://everydaygoddess.typepad.com/ ).

My daughter's life has been chronicled on my blog, so I expect she will continue in the grand tradition of oversharing.  And I'd love to see what she has to say.

Rita Arens writes at Surrender Dorothy ( http://surrenderdorothy.typepad.com ) and BlogHer and is the editor of Sleep is for the Weak ( http://tinyurl.com/9pg62e ).

I had stipulated that in order to be on Myspace years ago, my son had to friend me. Then I talked him into Facebook recently, as he got engaged and I wanted something a bit more private than Myspace. My ex is actually on Myspace and I stay far away from my profile there. I only really post on Facebook and I would not make my ex one of my Facebook friends! LOL!

http://iwannabeacelebbutimtoopoortoaffordit.blogsp...

http://lvmomssincity.blogspot.com/

My kids are still to young for FB and Twitter but when it comes to my ex-husband, I sure as heck don't want him checking in on my life post-divorce.

My spider senses tell me he has created a fake account on both to follow my going-ons anyway!   Oh well - he's gonna get an eye and earful *grin.

 Delaine Moore

www.iamdivorcednotdead.com ( http://www.iamdivorcednotdead.com/ )

Because a woman's body never lies...

and yes, take us literally and talk back!

Politics & News Contributing Editor
Queen of Spain ( http://queenofspainblog.com/ )

I just tweeted it!

~Denise
BlogHer Community Manager

Flamingo House Happenings ( http://www.flamingohouse.net/ )

This is awesome!  Keep those videos coming, ladies.

And check back here tomorrow- I'm going to be posting future show topics and there's a good chance that if you record a video talking about any of those topics, you'll be featured on a future Backtalk!  :)

Who has separate accounts, one for her blogging self and one for her real-life self. She accidentally friended me on her real-life account and then was all, "Sorry, that was an accident. I meant to friend you with my blogging account." Except that I know her in real-life, too. So what, I wasn't good enought to be a real-life Facebook friend?  ;D

Okay, so I took this whole thing literally and decided to talk back to you guys and share my views on this topic. Here is a link to my response:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ytlXoq3MJv0

In a nutshell, I think it makes perfect sense to be friends with your teens/preteens on Facebook. What I love about Facebook is the ability to pick and chose what you want to share with each friend. As a parent I can decide to only let my child see the basics of my profile but require full disclosure to me. Is it fair? No. But since I am paying all of the bills and purchased the computer I think it is within my rights to do so.

Since my child is a toddler this is currently all theoretical but when this becomes relevant for me I wonder if my views will have changed.

Cutie Booty Cakes ( http://cutiebootycakes.blogspot.com/ )

Thinking that might be for the best?  ;)

My own children are too little to Twitter, but I'm a teacher. My students always ask why I ignore their friend requests on Facebook. Ummmm.....duh!

My twitter account is only for bloggy people I know. No issues there.

My facebook is when the two, bloggy and real-life, merge. It was akward for awhile, knowing I was writing posts about how I was treated in highschool, for example, and having some of the kids who I graduated with reading. Or, writing about family issues knowing cousins and aunts could be reading. But, I believe in transparency. I believe in owning my own feelings and thoughts. What I put on my blog is who I am. People will either like it, me, or not.

Still, I draw the line at friending my students or anyone that is under 18, and  I would never friend any of my bosses. Hope that request never happens because it would be akward when I hit reject. Yikes!  

One of the things I didn't mention during our first BackTalk was the fact that my daughter Mallory wanted me to get on Facebook years ago. Well, truth be told, her college friends asked that I get on there since they were having so much fun. I didn't want to be "poked" and told her she could find me on my blog. She was, understandably, grateful so that I didn't have to find out she was drinking or partying or...well, you know.

Now, however, she doesn't mind at all. Her brother will have to decide how we'll work that out and maybe he is being cautious because his mother and aunts are all there "watching" him. 

My youngest, though? Will totally have the kegger some weekend when I'm not home. I just know this about him. Hence, he will probably not EVER "friend" me on FB. 

Mochamomma ( http://mochamomma.com )

I friended my sister's daughters so I could peek in on them now and then and sometimes I not above shooting my sister an email saying that I know her kids are saying things she wouldn't approve of or protraying themselves in a way that would make her brain explode....they're underage, it's my aunt rights to bust them on trying to be douchebags.  

 I also just "unfriended" my pastor.  He's a great guy, but he doesn't need to know about each and every stupid thing I post on there.  He'd spend all his time praying for me and he definitely needs to spread that around. 

Anissa Mayhew

www.hope4peyton.org ( http://www.hope4peyton.org )

I just went and unfriended my husband's middle school aged cousins.  I wasn't comfortable with it anyway, and this gave me the extra "umph" I needed to say "they don't need to know I have a vibrator!"

Miss Britt

http://www.miss-britt.com

"Dignity is Overrated"

But we're a family who pees with the door open, too.  So our boundaries are probably not the norm. LOL

(Great job ladies!!)

Miss Britt

http://www.miss-britt.com

"Dignity is Overrated"

My daughter's friends found me first.  The friend requests poured in like the rain is pouring down right this minute.  ("Other Peoples' Mom" syndrome.  You know.)  When my daughter saw my name on her friends' Facebooks, she IM'd me with "What the heck, Mom?"  

So she and I are Facebook friends, now.  It's wonderful, because I'm stealing all kinds of beautiful photographs of her and putting them on MY Facebook, and every little thing she does, I know about!

Of course, my daughter is an adult now, and even if I disapprove of something, tis none of my beeswax.  I'm opinionated, and so is she, but Facebook is a wonderful place to learn about each other in a nonconfrontational way.  I would no more criticize her life than I would criticize her friends' lives.  

To her face, that is.  :)

Besides, I'm too busy counting down 'til BlogHer in July.  

Now, if Sara were still a teen, I would. . . Oh, who am I kidding.  If she wanted to keep that Facebook account, she'd friend Mom, like her friends would be doing.  I was actually kind of strict when my kids were kids.  I think that's why my kids are such cool adults, now.  They understand what "consequences" are, which is certainly more than can be said for a lot of adults I know.  Sigh.

That being said, I'm having a blast with Facebook.  

"Don't be content with being average. Average is as close to the bottom as it is to the top."

My former law school roommate couldn't figure out what happened! lol

JillWrites Like She Talks ( http://www.writeslikeshetalks.com )

My 23 year old son thought it was hysterical when I "friended" him on Facebook.  Funnier still?  It seems like every other middle-aged person I know has suddenly discovered it.  And spending LOTS of time poking and tagging and updating their status.

A case in point:  it's not unusual for my sister-in-law to get over a 100 messages from her mother in a single day.  Followed by emails that complain "Why don't you answer me???"

I admit it's fun, though.  It's really helping me to stay in touch with people at the company I left last year.  And my family back east, and my friends overseas, and my online friends from the old Usenet days, and...

Because I come from a newspaper/journalism background -- and I look at all my online presences as extensions of my professional work -- I never ever ever (as long as I remember not to, anyway!) put anything in print or on the Web that I would be embarrassed about or that would embarrass anybody else. I say: If you wouldn't want somebody to read it, don't write it. And I think I've passed that on to my children, so there's really nothing on their Facebook pages that they wouldn't want mom to know. Also, I never request friendship with any of my daughters' friends or any young people I know, That seems a little creepy. However, if they ask me I always confirm. But I rarely go to their pages -- only read their status updates in my feed. Mainly, I don't want to know the details!

Cathy

cathylwood.wordpress.com

but didn't they say how GREAT you looked?

ingrates

Politics & News Contributing Editor
Queen of Spain ( http://queenofspainblog.com/ )

To be clear, my kids "friending" me on Facebook was one of my stipulations of allowing them to, you know, have a Facebook account.  Aaand, they visit and comment on my Facebook, more than I do theirs.  Go figure.  So, I showed my 13 and 15 year olds this piece and asked them what they thought about it.

"Why did they shoot your face so close?"

And, so it goes. 

Great job, ladies!

--------------------------------------------

This Full House ( http://thisfullhouse.com )

This Full House Reviews ( http://thisfullhouse.com/reviews )

Imperfect Parent ( http://www.imperfectparent.com )

My son was embarrassed to have his mom as a friend-- our solution was he gave me his user name and password so I can check any time I like. I don't check terribly often, but like SuburbanTurmoil mentioned above, just the thought that I COULD check at any time should keep him on the straight and narrow while he is online.

I know if I was a teenager when facebook was around, the day my mom forced me to friend her would be the day I stopped using it.

In a BlogHer post about how I approach my godson on Facebook ( http://www.blogher.com/family-photos-and-facebook-... ). It's a tangent to what you're discussing but it comes up for many of us who have young people in our lives.

Laurie

That pretty much explains the first half of my entire life

Politics & News Contributing Editor
Queen of Spain ( http://queenofspainblog.com/ )

I'm hoping that this whole internet thing is just a fad that will be gone (or at the very least, completely retro and uncool) by the time my toddlers are old enough to notice MySpace, Facebook, Twitter, etc.

 http://prettybabies.blogspot.com

 It really is an interesting topic and the storry about the mom,twitter and the police absolutely took my breath away. Very fun to watch.I have a 19 year old soon to be 20 year old. I friended her...she has given me limited access to her stuff .  I like that she can enjoy all that Facebook offers without worrying that I'm into her stuff.I have noticed that she does send me emails via Facebook rather than traditional email so it's all good.

elana
Blogher Contributing Editor,Business&CareersFunnyBusiness ( http://funnybusiness.typepad.com/funnybusiness )

I really think all moms should make their kids friend them on Facebook.

There's scientific evidence that the part of the brain that determines consequences doesn't develop fully until we're about 25. A teen could easily post a picture or status update that's not exactly wise, and I think it's our job as parents to check in every oncein a while and make sure they haven't put anything up that will come back to haunt them later.

That said, I rarely look at my stepdaughters' Facebook pages- My hope is that the simple knowledge that their dad and I could look at their pages at any time would make them think twice about putting up anything they'll regret later.

I think I wrote once about friending my kids on Facebook. My son won't friend me, but my daughter does. However, she's older. I kind of don't want my son, 18, reading my page anyway. He's got just as many ideas about what I shouldn't say or do as I have about what he shouldn't say or do.

On a related topic, up until April I have a poll asking why people hide their MySpace, Facebook, Twitter pages, etc.  The answers aren't all that serious, but do drop by and choose one:  Link ( http://bigsole.blogspot.com/2009/01/why-would-you-... ).  Skew it however you like.

This also seems a good time to say that the word of the year, 2008, for Webster's New World Dictionary was "overshare."

Nordette ( http://blogher.org/blog/nordette ) is a BlogHer CE, personal blog WSATA ( http://bigsole.blogspot.com ). Also @ Twitter ( http://twitter.com/nordette_verite ).

Bad photos must go!

Politics & News Contributing Editor
Queen of Spain ( http://queenofspainblog.com/ )

This is still unknown territory to me, as my child is 3.  However, I am starting to think there are way too many people from my past on Facebook.  I was a member of Facebook when it was The Facebook (the original name) and it was only open to college students.  We used it to post pictures of parties and find people in our classes.  When Facebook went public, we were all frantically pulling pictures down, redesigning our sites, and cleaning up our messes so other people in our lives didn't see them.  I'm still doing damage control, as my preacher father's secretary is now my friend.

But I'm concerned about people getting this false sense of security from Facebook.  It can be just as "dangerous" as MySpace.  I don't understand why people are believing it to be more safe and secure.

I friended a young cousin on MySpace years ago, when she was 16.  She was posting very racy half-nude pictures, pictures showing her car and license plate number, and even her home address.  I grew very concerned by the lewd comments being left on her site, so I got in touch with her mother, who pulled the plug on the whole thing.  The cousin is still mad, but it makes me feel better, knowing she's not putting everything out there like that. 

So I guess I think that monitoring is not bad, but spying is only going to hurt your relationship with your child.

Fun video! Facebook can be fairly creepy... Good news ladies, is you can go an untag yourself from any photo and at least it won't show up in news feeds and your page! 

Kim Mance
Editor-In-Chief
Galavanting ( http://www.gogalavanting.com/ ) online women's travel magazine

Founder
Travel Blog Exchange ( http://www.travelblogexchange.com )

You're monitoring but not interfering. Nice.

Politics & News Contributing Editor
Queen of Spain ( http://queenofspainblog.com/ )

Force them to friend you.

I think I'm going to. Once mine are old enough anyway.

Politics & News Contributing Editor
Queen of Spain ( http://queenofspainblog.com/ )

 Interesting backtalk interview and a tricky subject these days. I've been on facebook for quite a while and friended a friend's H.S. daughter. I was a little surprised she friended me back but she did. (Her mother/my friend was not on FB at the time) We talked about it together and came to the agreement that I would not discuss the teen's facebook activities unless I thought she was in danger of getting hurt or hurting others.

Tricia (cheekyattitude.com)

Erin,

That was great! I am friends with my 11 year old daughter on Facebook and find what she does with Facebook to be completely benign and harmless. I am also friends with a couple of 16 year old girls they work with and am often shocked at what they put up on their Facebook pages. Mostly the photos of parties. I would definitely like to be friends with my kids as they enter their teen years as a way to keep tabs on what they are doing.