A Bad Marriage From the Female Perspective

When we decide to get married, we are filled with high hopes. Our expectations are to live a great life with the person we love. We are starting a life with someone who shares similar dreams. We want to work together toward the same goals. We each want to participate in the marriage by being our best, by being a team. We will communicate with respect and regard. We contribute both emotionally and financially toward making the marriage a success. When things don’t work out the way we plan, it becomes a very confusing time. You start questioning yourself. You start looking at your husband differently. These are extreme examples cited for those that are experiencing this kind of difficulty in their marriage:
 
Does your spouse ever call you stupid?
 It is never OK to call names. You need to be told how great you are everyday. If someone needs to feel better about themself by putting someone else down, that is not OK.
 
If you initiate a plan, Is the answer always no?
He needs to be in control all the time, not OK.

Are you expected to comply when something is asked of you?
You are allowed to say no.

Are you choosing your words carefully so as not to set him off?
Tiptoeing around your husband is not the way things are supposed to be. Diplomacy in a marriage is a good thing but being afraid to speak fearing reprisal is not ok.

Are things being thrown and kicked? Are walls being punched? Is there a lot of yelling?
A volatile personality in a marriage is not OK. Someone who is not in control of his emotions and takes things out on you is not OK. It is not your job to be his Therapist or to regulate his moods. He has to own his emotions, and needs to control them.

Are there problems when you want to go out with friends?
It is a healthy marriage when husband and wife maintain their own identity and remain independent. He cannot control you.

Does your spouse say no all the time?
Your spouse does not meet your needs. There is often an excuse why he can’t or won’t comply.
 
Does he act differently around others?
Your husband’s behavior toward you is very different when other people are around. He actually treats you better. He is posing, showing the world what a good guy he is. If he can’t treat you well while you are both alone, that is unacceptable..

Are you told that you are the cause of his bad mood because you provoked him?  Bad Marriage - man pointing
No one puts anyone in a bad mood. That is a choice.

Is he jealous?
A little twinge of jealousy is OK as long as it doesn’t impact you in such way that it becomes volatile.

You deserve better for yourself. None of these things are OK. Sure an occasional disagreement occurs, but when fighting is the norm, that is not OK. If you feel badly about yourself because your husband is always putting you down, that is not the way things should be. The cases above are extreme. Unhappiness in a marriage comes in many forms. This is about unacceptable behavior and expecting much higher standards than this in a marriage. We were not meant to go through life feeling poorly about ourselves. Your spouse needs to hold you in the highest esteem, as you would hold yourself. There are choices and decisions to be made as to how to move forward with your life when you are not receiving the regard you expect and deserve. You get to choose how to proceed. There are great Therapists. Support from friends and family is a good thing when it is, in fact, support. They are there for you emotionally, but not to give advice. They need to just be there. They are not objective. To get pure objectivity, you need to seek the help of a professional. You are very important. Treat yourself well by taking the advice of your best friend, you…
 
 
Marcia Richman, CPC
Transitional coach
Marciarichman@gmail.com

 

Photos retrieved from:  www.redbookmag.com. www.rd.com

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