Bad Writing Contest

A short while ago, I called your attention to the lazy songwriting that America has allowed to slip through its discretionary cracks into mainstream popular culture. Well, as much as I’ve tried to see the positive (I’m reading The Secret and I’m currently working on my mental beach house) I’m back with a new handful of song lyrics that beg the question, “WTF?”

#1

Song: Drive By
Artist: Train

Oh I swear to you
I'll be there for you
This is not a drive by
Just a shy guy
looking for a two ply
Hefty bag to hold my love


I’m telling you right now that if you ever hand me a hefty bag full of your love, I’ll punch you right in your face. Sick bastard.

#2
Song: What Makes You Beautiful
Artist: One Direction

Baby you light up my world like nobody else
The way that you flip your hair gets me overwhelmed
But when you smile at the ground it aint hard to tell
You don't know
Oh Oh
You don't know you're beautiful

Ummm, just a suggestion, but if a girl is smiling at the ground maybe you should steer clear no matter what she looks like. I’ve seen this freak show before, and *spoiler alert* imaginary voices come next. Find yourself a plain Jane who doesn’t need meds.

#3

Song: Good Feeling
Artist: Flo Rida

Oh, oh, sometimes I get a good feeling, yeah
I get a feeling that I never never never never had before, no no
I get a good feeling, yeah
Oh oh, sometimes I get a good feeling, yeah
I get a feeling that I never never never never had before, no no
I get a good feeling, yeah
Good feelin', good feelin'
I know you got the good feelin'

Let's get it, let's get it

Gotta love the life that we livin'

Let's get it, let's get it
I know you got the good feelin'
Let's get it, let's get it
Gotta love the life that we livin'


Thanks for the heads up. This is my cue to start pretending I have a headache.

#4

Song: Give Me Everything
Artist: Pitbull, Ne-yo, Afrojack, Nayer

Grab somebody sexy, tell 'em hey
Give me everything tonight
Give me everything tonight
Give me everything tonight
Give me everything tonight

Look, I just met you and I can already tell you’re incredibly needy. This is a major turn-off. No , thank you! Also, sexy people don’t necessarily take well to being grabbed. I've tried it. BAD. ENDING.

#5
Song: Like a G6
Artist: Far East Movement, Cataracs, DEV

Drink it up, drink-drink it up
When sober girls around me, they be actin like they drunk
They be actin like they drunk, actin-actin like they drunk
When sober girls around me they be actin like they drunk


Oh, well, that’s just sad. Those poor, desperate floozies. Isn’t anyone unafraid to just be themselves anymore?

On the other hand, I do remember wishing I hadn’t stopped my college roommate at the liquor store checkout after she unwittingly made a beeline to the Manischewitz wine. That would have made for a good Placebo Effect experiment.

 

 


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