Ballistic for Holistic

I have never bought into the whole holistic thing.  I just never thought sitting crossed legged on the floor intoning "OHHHHMMMMMMMM" would really get rid of my headache or relieve my stress.  I actually tried a meditation group once, and found there was no way I could close my eyes surrounded by a group of people with bare feet.  My paranoia kicked in and I knew while  I was sitting there like an idiot with my eyes closed, everybody was pointing at me and laughing.  I ended up staring at the longest hair I have ever seen, growing out of a freckle on my right ankle and hating myself for not shaving better.  I couldn't get out of there fast enough.


For years I bought into the TVS method of stress relief:  TV, vodka and shopping.  Until now.  That was back in the day before I GOT A JOB at a holistic spa.  Now, I am a true believer.


First, let's look at the "got a job" part.  As most of you know I receive alimony, which due to the brilliance of my attorney, ends right about the time my osteoporosis kicks in and I become hunched over and COMPLETELY unemployable.  Also, there have been some rumblings that the new Mrs. K, is putting pressure on Mr. K to take the old Mrs. K back to court and reduce alimony so that the new Mrs. K can have a boat, which I totally understand.  How can you live on a huge house on the water and not have a boat?  I mean they can only go so far on their new jet skis...they need a boat for real water travel.  I totally get it.


So, I decided hey, maybe I start making a little financial cushion for myself before I break my hip and my ex disappears on the high seas.  I tried real estate, and I am still paying off the new tires I ended up having to purchase after driving miles and miles with a client, looking for the  fictitious rental apartment that accepts two great danes and a cockatiel. This time, I really wanted to try a job where I actually MAKE money.


After a quick peruse on Craigslist I found an ad for part time front desk help, at a holistic spa right next to my favorite bagel place.  Cool.  I arranged an interview and immediately began going through my wardrobe.  What does one wear for work at a holistic spa?  Caftans?  Flowy pajama pants?  Indian garb?  I'm confused.  I decide on a bright green Rachel Roy dress and roman sandals, (Yes, they are still in style,)   I add my peace sign earrings, and think that maybe I CAN pull of this whole holistic thing.


I head on over to the spa and am greeted by a lovely young woman in a sundress with perfectly toned biceps and long flowing dark hair.    This is a boss?  She takes me into her office...which unlike mine is not a bed and a laptop.  We chat a bit and then she gets down to it..."Do you live a healthy life style, I mean, do you try and eat healthy?"  The sweat that has been gathering along my hair line (and butt crack) starts to drip as I look out the window at my car, and see the tip of my BIG GULP straw sticking up.  "Um, yes, I mean I don't go crazy or anything, but um....I try not  to eat too much meat."  I don't think my addiction to chips and Sprite are her business, and feel some information needs to be kept confidential.


P.S., to make a long story short, I leave about twenty minutes later with a job.  It feels good.  Now here's the thing, if someone even five years ago had said "in a few years, you will be working the desk at a spa for 8.00 an hour," I would have either laughed in their face, or flung myself on the ground unable to take another breath.  But I love it.


First of all, I love the smell of the place.  It's that eucalyptus spa smell that just makes me feel super clean.  There are little tinkling fountains, and a hot pot for herbal teas.  Best of all the people that come in are so happy to be there.  I actually see people come in with their shoulders up around their chins and leave with the easy lope of a blood hound.  No stress to be found around this place.


At night, after all the therapists leave I lock the door and head into the back with a cup of organic green tea, and fold the delicious smelling towels (why do my towels always smell wet?)  I cut the fruit up that we will use for infusing our drinking water the next morning.  I leave feeling both relaxed and productive.  This is something I can do, until I become a famous writer, reality TV star,  or advice columnist, any of which could happen any minute.  Dude, seriously.


Anyway, the point is I now have faith in holistic healing treatments.  It is not a replacement for modern medicine, but a way to keep things in check, make things feel better, and give you peace of body and mind.  With my discount I plan to try a whole new natural skin care regimen and a few cellulite reduction treatments.  Shut up, it can't hurt.  I've already had my eyebrows tinted with an organic tinting compound, and did not end up looking like Groucho Marx as I had feared, it took like five years off my face.  Do I plan to give up my botox?  Come on, you know me better than that.  But you may actually hear a few "OOHHHMMMS" coming out of me with each little shot.



In order to comment on, you'll need to be logged in. You'll be given the option to log in or create an account when you publish your comment. If you do not log in or create an account, your comment will not be displayed.

More Like This

Recent Posts by ex wife new life