Ballistic for Holistic

I have never bought into the whole holistic thing.  I just never thought sitting crossed legged on the floor intoning "OHHHHMMMMMMMM" would really get rid of my headache or relieve my stress.  I actually tried a meditation group once, and found there was no way I could close my eyes surrounded by a group of people with bare feet.  My paranoia kicked in and I knew while  I was sitting there like an idiot with my eyes closed, everybody was pointing at me and laughing.  I ended up staring at the longest hair I have ever seen, growing out of a freckle on my right ankle and hating myself for not shaving better.  I couldn't get out of there fast enough.

 

For years I bought into the TVS method of stress relief:  TV, vodka and shopping.  Until now.  That was back in the day before I GOT A JOB at a holistic spa.  Now, I am a true believer.

 

First, let's look at the "got a job" part.  As most of you know I receive alimony, which due to the brilliance of my attorney, ends right about the time my osteoporosis kicks in and I become hunched over and COMPLETELY unemployable.  Also, there have been some rumblings that the new Mrs. K, is putting pressure on Mr. K to take the old Mrs. K back to court and reduce alimony so that the new Mrs. K can have a boat, which I totally understand.  How can you live on a huge house on the water and not have a boat?  I mean they can only go so far on their new jet skis...they need a boat for real water travel.  I totally get it.

 

So, I decided hey, maybe I start making a little financial cushion for myself before I break my hip and my ex disappears on the high seas.  I tried real estate, and I am still paying off the new tires I ended up having to purchase after driving miles and miles with a client, looking for the  fictitious rental apartment that accepts two great danes and a cockatiel. This time, I really wanted to try a job where I actually MAKE money.

 

After a quick peruse on Craigslist I found an ad for part time front desk help, at a holistic spa right next to my favorite bagel place.  Cool.  I arranged an interview and immediately began going through my wardrobe.  What does one wear for work at a holistic spa?  Caftans?  Flowy pajama pants?  Indian garb?  I'm confused.  I decide on a bright green Rachel Roy dress and roman sandals, (Yes, they are still in style,)   I add my peace sign earrings, and think that maybe I CAN pull of this whole holistic thing.

 

I head on over to the spa and am greeted by a lovely young woman in a sundress with perfectly toned biceps and long flowing dark hair.    This is a boss?  She takes me into her office...which unlike mine is not a bed and a laptop.  We chat a bit and then she gets down to it..."Do you live a healthy life style, I mean, do you try and eat healthy?"  The sweat that has been gathering along my hair line (and butt crack) starts to drip as I look out the window at my car, and see the tip of my BIG GULP straw sticking up.  "Um, yes, I mean I don't go crazy or anything, but um....I try not  to eat too much meat."  I don't think my addiction to chips and Sprite are her business, and feel some information needs to be kept confidential.

 

P.S., to make a long story short, I leave about twenty minutes later with a job.  It feels good.  Now here's the thing, if someone even five years ago had said "in a few years, you will be working the desk at a spa for 8.00 an hour," I would have either laughed in their face, or flung myself on the ground unable to take another breath.  But I love it.

 

First of all, I love the smell of the place.  It's that eucalyptus spa smell that just makes me feel super clean.  There are little tinkling fountains, and a hot pot for herbal teas.  Best of all the people that come in are so happy to be there.  I actually see people come in with their shoulders up around their chins and leave with the easy lope of a blood hound.  No stress to be found around this place.

 

At night, after all the therapists leave I lock the door and head into the back with a cup of organic green tea, and fold the delicious smelling towels (why do my towels always smell wet?)  I cut the fruit up that we will use for infusing our drinking water the next morning.  I leave feeling both relaxed and productive.  This is something I can do, until I become a famous writer, reality TV star,  or advice columnist, any of which could happen any minute.  Dude, seriously.

 

Anyway, the point is I now have faith in holistic healing treatments.  It is not a replacement for modern medicine, but a way to keep things in check, make things feel better, and give you peace of body and mind.  With my discount I plan to try a whole new natural skin care regimen and a few cellulite reduction treatments.  Shut up, it can't hurt.  I've already had my eyebrows tinted with an organic tinting compound, and did not end up looking like Groucho Marx as I had feared, it took like five years off my face.  Do I plan to give up my botox?  Come on, you know me better than that.  But you may actually hear a few "OOHHHMMMS" coming out of me with each little shot.

 

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