Ballistic for Holistic
By ex wife new life on August 10, 2012
I have never bought into the whole holistic thing. I just never thought sitting crossed legged on the floor intoning "OHHHHMMMMMMMM" would really get rid of my headache or relieve my stress. I actually tried a meditation group once, and found there was no way I could close my eyes surrounded by a group of people with bare feet. My paranoia kicked in and I knew while I was sitting there like an idiot with my eyes closed, everybody was pointing at me and laughing. I ended up staring at the longest hair I have ever seen, growing out of a freckle on my right ankle and hating myself for not shaving better. I couldn't get out of there fast enough.
For years I bought into the TVS method of stress relief: TV, vodka and shopping. Until now. That was back in the day before I GOT A JOB at a holistic spa. Now, I am a true believer.
First, let's look at the "got a job" part. As most of you know I receive alimony, which due to the brilliance of my attorney, ends right about the time my osteoporosis kicks in and I become hunched over and COMPLETELY unemployable. Also, there have been some rumblings that the new Mrs. K, is putting pressure on Mr. K to take the old Mrs. K back to court and reduce alimony so that the new Mrs. K can have a boat, which I totally understand. How can you live on a huge house on the water and not have a boat? I mean they can only go so far on their new jet skis...they need a boat for real water travel. I totally get it.
So, I decided hey, maybe I start making a little financial cushion for myself before I break my hip and my ex disappears on the high seas. I tried real estate, and I am still paying off the new tires I ended up having to purchase after driving miles and miles with a client, looking for the fictitious rental apartment that accepts two great danes and a cockatiel. This time, I really wanted to try a job where I actually MAKE money.
After a quick peruse on Craigslist I found an ad for part time front desk help, at a holistic spa right next to my favorite bagel place. Cool. I arranged an interview and immediately began going through my wardrobe. What does one wear for work at a holistic spa? Caftans? Flowy pajama pants? Indian garb? I'm confused. I decide on a bright green Rachel Roy dress and roman sandals, (Yes, they are still in style,) I add my peace sign earrings, and think that maybe I CAN pull of this whole holistic thing.
I head on over to the spa and am greeted by a lovely young woman in a sundress with perfectly toned biceps and long flowing dark hair. This is a boss? She takes me into her office...which unlike mine is not a bed and a laptop. We chat a bit and then she gets down to it..."Do you live a healthy life style, I mean, do you try and eat healthy?" The sweat that has been gathering along my hair line (and butt crack) starts to drip as I look out the window at my car, and see the tip of my BIG GULP straw sticking up. "Um, yes, I mean I don't go crazy or anything, but um....I try not to eat too much meat." I don't think my addiction to chips and Sprite are her business, and feel some information needs to be kept confidential.
P.S., to make a long story short, I leave about twenty minutes later with a job. It feels good. Now here's the thing, if someone even five years ago had said "in a few years, you will be working the desk at a spa for 8.00 an hour," I would have either laughed in their face, or flung myself on the ground unable to take another breath. But I love it.
First of all, I love the smell of the place. It's that eucalyptus spa smell that just makes me feel super clean. There are little tinkling fountains, and a hot pot for herbal teas. Best of all the people that come in are so happy to be there. I actually see people come in with their shoulders up around their chins and leave with the easy lope of a blood hound. No stress to be found around this place.
At night, after all the therapists leave I lock the door and head into the back with a cup of organic green tea, and fold the delicious smelling towels (why do my towels always smell wet?) I cut the fruit up that we will use for infusing our drinking water the next morning. I leave feeling both relaxed and productive. This is something I can do, until I become a famous writer, reality TV star, or advice columnist, any of which could happen any minute. Dude, seriously.
Anyway, the point is I now have faith in holistic healing treatments. It is not a replacement for modern medicine, but a way to keep things in check, make things feel better, and give you peace of body and mind. With my discount I plan to try a whole new natural skin care regimen and a few cellulite reduction treatments. Shut up, it can't hurt. I've already had my eyebrows tinted with an organic tinting compound, and did not end up looking like Groucho Marx as I had feared, it took like five years off my face. Do I plan to give up my botox? Come on, you know me better than that. But you may actually hear a few "OOHHHMMMS" coming out of me with each little shot.