Battle #1 : The Battle of Crazy

You ever hear of rule #1 in the nut house...don't try to convince them that you are not crazy, because it only proves just how crazy you really are. And that is exactly what I was doing. For a solid month we fought about this, and while I thought I was making progress and looked totally normal...I in fact looked as crazy as I truly was.

Then one day I went out with my mother to Barnes and Noble. I get overwhelmed in that store, but I was determined to get something that would help my marriage. Because after all I knew it was in trouble. After much looking I picked up Battlefield of the Mind by Joyce Meyer. For those that don't like her, I'm sorry but she gives scripture to back up what she says. Anyway, I picked up this book. I had not supernatural feeling or felt drawn to it. I just picked it up and said whatever I'll buy this one; besides it was one my mom said she had wanted to read so I figured if I found it boring she could have it.

First line of the Introduction and I knew what the problem with my marriage was: "For as he thinks in his heart, so he is." Proverbs 23:7.

Because I let my mind get away with me and allowed myself to think these thoughts, they became real to me and my husband turned into a different man in mind....even though in reality he was the same.

By the time I finished Part I of the book I realized that my first marriage did much damage to this one and I didn't even see it. The reason I couldn't find any dirt on my husband was because there was nothing to find. If it had been my first husband, I would have found LOADS of information; at this point in my life if someone told me that what I knew him as wasn't his real name and he was actually a Communist from Russia it would not surprise me at all. And I carried that with me. I carried with me the idea that all men were like this and it was only a matter of time before the ball would drop and his true self would be revealed.

But I didn't realize that I was thinking that way. I had so many thoughts in my head that they consumed me and I couldn't grasp on to even one. They just all flurried together into this ball of assumptions, anger, hurt, and fear that presented itself in the form of crazy.

Still I feel foolish. And I should, because I acted foolishly. I created a problem that was never there. How differently would that month have gone if I had just accepted his reasoning and went on with my life. Because guess what? My crazy action didn't stop him from going. Our arguments didn't stop him from going. Nothing that I said or did during that time period changed anything at all. But what it did do...was it created a wedge between us. Now he feels like I believe he is less than what he is. Now he feels like his efforts are for nothing.

This is the breakdown in the system. This is when it all starts to fall apart...when people think to themselves "Why do I continue to do the right thing? They already think I do the wrong thing so might as well do it if they already think that's who I am,". I have found that many people think this way, even I do.

So I made up mind to just not be crazy anymore. I encourage EVERYONE to read Battlefield of the Mind. But I know that not everyone will. So this is what I'll tell you: It takes a lot of prayer to change your mind set. I'm sure that many have heard the scripture that says to "take every thought captive", but have no clue what that means...much like myself. My brain was such a storm I forgot to call Grandparents on Christmas. So I prayed for Jesus to clear my mind of all things and just start over, I prayed that He would give me a new mind. And the storm stopped. Then as different thoughts would try to creep into my head, instead of allowing them to flow, I would stop and pray and tell God I didn't want those thoughts anymore. And they went away.

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