Battle #3 : Head of the House
First, I apologize for taking SO long to update. I am pregnant, had a scare and then got sick and kids got sick and well family will ALWAYS come first. So thanks for waiting :)
I'm was actually glad for my lack of updating because it gave me a chance to notice things over the past few weeks. I've seen a few blogs talking about being a submissive wife and had an interestesting conversation with my mother this week. And it all gave me GREAT material to work with.
A man is meant to be the head of his household. A lot of people don't actually understand what that means.
A man being the head of his household and a woman being submissive has NOTHING to do with if the man is a house dad or if he makes a million dollars a year. It doesn't matter if he works at the gas station while his wife works at a law firm. It has nothing to do with secular work.
It also does NOT mean that the wife is a slave. It doesn't mean the man shouldn't do housework or be catered to like a Greek god (although I will tel you that is important to do some times).
I am reminded of the song “Did I Shave My Legs For This?” which was a really cute song when I first heard it. I was young and not yet married or had any kids. I ran out and bought the CD and sang it at the top of my lungs. But up until Sunday I hadn't heard the song in almost a decade. I was YouTube hopping because my husband was at work, the house work was done, and the kids actually went to bed on time and I was sitting in silence twiddling my thumbs...which happens to a mom who has a lull in her day because she has NO clue what to do with it. So I got on YouTube and followed the rabbit of suggestions.
Anyway, as I was listening to this song that I was sure I loved I realized that I was not so in love with it. I was really listening to the lyrics and when she said “When we first met you promised we'd get a house on a hill with a pool. Well this trailer stays wet and we're swimming in debt and now you want me to go back to school”...this was my thought, “It's because of your attitude”. Then I got a light bulb, a perfect example of what submission is and isn't.
The whole song is disrespectful to begin with, but when you listen to them you can pick out how she played in a part in their situation. Even if it was her husband's fault that they are financially drowning, she's not doing anything to help the situation.
Just as an example, the lyrics taken from the song about going back to school...if you are in a financial mess and your husband says hey go back to school so you can get a better job and we get climb out..why wouldn't you? I don't see how that's being a slave or him not caring. If he's working and is willing to continue working so you can go back to school to help support everyone that's everyone working as a team, not him being lazy or a slave driver.
For example. I have a degree but I do not work. My husband said he would rather I stayed home with the kids until all of them reached school age. Well I'm pregnant again, set to give birth in about 6 weeks so we've got at least 5 years before work is an option for me. Because I do not work we don't have the things that other people do. Our kids don't even know what an Ipad is. And my hair is its natural color and my nails are real...I know it's crazy. I don't even shop at Wal-Mart, let alone the mall, we do second hand. And there is NOTHING wrong with that.
My husband didn't tell me to stay home to somehow suffocate my womanhood or the ability to be independent. He wanted me to stay home because he didn't want strangers at a day care raising his kids. And I support that. Would I LOVE to have a job so that I could have money to go on JustFab.com and get every peep-toe shoe that my little heart desires? Of course. But is it really that important? No.
I have accepted the way we live and respected my husband's decisions and am a team player. That's what it means to be submissive. I don't make him feel about the fact I want cute shoes or would rather use the $20 shampoo instead of the $2.00 one. I in essence take one for the team. Because so does he.
Which brings me to the conversation I had with my mother. So last week I needed to get out. I didn't want to go anywhere in particular, I just wanted to read my book without my kids asking me something every five seconds. I even tried to read after midnight one night and I had two different kids get up the moment I picked up the book, because that's how it always happens. I can't block out ANYTHING when I want to read, except my kids. So I just wanted to read.
I asked my husband if I could come with him to his league. Understand that I'm super pregnant, it was snowing, and I lost my night vision about a decade ago so it's not safe for me to drive at night...but I needed to get out. I explained to my husband why. I wasn't going to interfere with “guy time” or constantly want his attention. I just wanted to sit in a corner and read. He said yes but he stressed to me that I couldn't get ANYTHING to eat. That I needed to eat before we left. He said we were REALLY low on funds and he couldn't afford to get me anything.
I felt this was a perfectly fine conversation, first and foremost because it was honest. And second, it's ALWAYS smart to inform a pregnant woman where there will and will not be food. So I appreciated it. Now during our time out he ordered himself 2 beers that were on special.
I had a conversation with my mom the next day when she asked how our time went. She asked me if he had gotten anything for himself, because she was there when he said to me I couldn't get anything. I told her yes he had the two beers. She got visibly upset and asked why I wasn't upset. I explained to her that the beers were on special and he spent a few bucks, in contrast if I had eaten even an appetizer of sorts we still would have paid at least $10 - $15.
And she said, “Oh isn't that just like a man. I work work. It's MY money. I get what I want, but YOU can't,”. I know my mother so I wasn't surprised by this response. I told her that she had it all wrong.
Would have liked it better if he had said to me “I never get to have a beer when I go out, but I can't buy you food and me a beer. I can afford beer. So will it hurt your feelings if we do that?” Sure I would have loved it if he would have said that to me. But, it doesn't matter that my husband has known me for 16 years he still has the fear that he will say the wrong thing...especially since I'm pregnant because something that is fine to say while not pregnant could start WWIII when you are. So I understood that.
But he did tell me that we couldn't afford for me to eat out. I knew that going in. And I usually get what I want, just last week he ran out to the store at midnight because I wanted something spicy. So it's not like he doesn't take care of me, because he does. So this one night he was asking me to sacrifice so that he could have a few beers with the guys and feel like his hard work was for something...even if it was only two beers.
Do I know he feels that way because he told me? No. I know this because I love my husband more than myself. I always tell younger women that if you are getting married or in a relationship because of what the other person has to offer you, then you are NOT ready for ANY kind of relationship, especially one that leads to marriage. So when you DO enter in to a marriage you be ready to accept the sacrifices and what it takes to make the other person happy. When my husband and I were dating he expressed to me that he couldn't stand to have dishes in the sink. If I were a woman who absolutely refuses to do dishes, then during that courting period I would have said bye if I'm not willing to do it to keep him happy.
I was a submissive wife that day at the league for several reasons. One, I didn't argue or get upset or take it personally about not getting to eat out. I said ok. And when I saw him have beers, I didn't get upset with him or yell at him. I let him have his moment and let him know it was ok.
Being a submissive wife means being a team player and knowing that you will not always get what you want or what you thought you would get. It means accepting what your husband says or if you have a problem with his choice coming to him in a respectful manner and voice your concerns. And if he still wants to do it, then let him. And if it goes wrong he doesn't need to hear us say “ummm you screwed up”, he already knows. It it out job to uplift our husbands when it doesn't go right and stand by them.
So if Deanna Carter expected to come home and find some lovin' because she bought a new dress, new shoes and got her hair and nails done...but her husband had been working all day and they lived in a trailer...perhaps her husband didn't give her that lovin' because they are broke and all he saw was her irresponsible spending. Just a thought.
* Just a side note: This is a very complicated subject that I'll touch more on later. But there is MUCH more to it than what I have written thus far. But this is what is prevalent in my mind and well I'm pregnant so that's what you get...I'm tried :)