Be careful what you wish for

   Years ago I made a list of everything I wanted in a man.  I pretty much got what I wanted.  The only thing I wasn't really expecting was the age gap.  He's younger than me.  I love him and he loves me.  I  know  there are other women out there who are dating right now who are struggling with issues like being confused about what went wrong or why he seemed so interested but now he is M.I.A.  I sure did.  

    Even though my dad told me how it works.  Even though I watched my girlfriends make mistakes, I still made huge mistakes. I always met really advanced players who got inside my head and twisted me up inside and made me insane.  Mostly because I was so game proof.  I mean when a good looking guy who "had it together" sauntered by and swaggered and bragged, tried to touch my hand, or make me feel insecure I would turn the tables on him and he would end up sucking his thumb in the shower in some cheap hotel with a hooker.  The only ones who could get at me were the really crafty sneaky underhanded ones and by ones I mean one.  There was only one.  And it was bad.  We hurt each other very badly.  

   By the time I met my bf I was pretty much done with men.  I mean really done.  I've always loved being single and never really chased after guys. I never had to, they chased me.  Never really felt the need to be serious or committed and didn't want to play "the little woman".    I love myself and didn't need the reassurance of a guy to make me feel good.   There had been enough people kicking me while I was down that I knew how to fight and stand my ground.  I'd been stabbed in the back by jealous females when I wanted to try to be friends and fit in and that was almost too long ago to remember.  I'd been too smart for my own good and never smart enough to be good enough for anyone.  

  Now everything is different.  I find myself being selfless and not just for myself.  I used to do nice things because it made me feel good to throw that change into the Salvation Army bucket every year, or smile at sad looking people, or encourage others to do better.   I did it for selfish reasons.  I wanted to build character and be respected, and respect myself.    I wanted to absolve myself of guilt.  I wanted to feel clean.  And it worked.  It's time tested and it worked.  It will always work, forever and ever.    

  But now someone else is loving me.  Really loving me, and I have no clue what to do about it.  I wake up in the morning and he is there, I can't make him leave.  He met me at my worst and has seen me mad and bad with attitude.  He knows I don't put up with any crap and he takes it seriously.  So seriously in fact that he pretty much asks for permission for everything.  I like it.  It can be annoying but I like it. 

   He's there when I fall asleep and sometimes in the middle of the night I roll over and am surprised that there is someone else in bed with me.  Last night I tried to push him out of the bed and he just wrapped me up in his arms because he knew that is what I really wanted.  I have that Bob Marley song streaming through my mind constantly.  Is this love that I'm feeling?   Am I being played?  Should I run, should I fight?  Should I poison his hash browns and throw him in the river?  

  I always knew that when I met my mate I would have to go through this.  The grand journey of the psyche that will lead to my ultimate freedom and self actualization as a woman.  I know that at the end of this very long tunnel is the eventual realization and understanding that my place is with him and it's okay to submit to his leadership and guidance.  Logical rhetoric is all that it is when you read about it in books.  I've been through a lot of b.s. in my short unimportant life.  Just the other day as I was walking along the side walk some ignorant hick yelled nigger at me at he and his buddie drove by in a pick up truck.  America.  Yeah.  If only that guy knew that my biological mother gave me up for adoption in Korea because I was black.  Nigger can't hurt me.  If only he knew that black folks don't think I'm black enough.  Nigger me up baby.  

   Why does this feel so impossible?  Especially when it is the only thing I ever really wanted?   The other day Michael told me he wasn't going to ask me to marry him officially until my dad gave his blessing.  Most girls would jump up and down screaming at something like that.  All I want to do is run and hide.  Shut the blinds and turn out the lights curl up and die.  I deserve this love, why can't it hurt in some other kind of way?  


NOTE:  If you are offended by my use of the N-word just be cool and don't take it out of context.  I'm not calling anyone a N not even myself.  


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