Don't Be Scared of Monsters, Mommy

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I was feeding Moxie the other day, glanced out the window, saw a troop of special-needs kids walk by and lost it. I mean, I lost it. Put down Moxie's food, head in my hands and bawled. The big, gulping kind of bawl. The damn-I'm-losing-it kind of bawl.

Concerned, Micah came around, "Why are you crying, Mama?"

I couldn't answer. I was too busy trying to catch my breath.

"Are you crying because of a monster?"

The MonsterI started to say no, but then I realized that I was -- monsters, after all, were invading my brain. So I nodded yes.

"Be not scared of monsters, Mama. You should not be scared of monsters."

It's all a-jumble. I'm heart-stoppingly scared that Moxie will be like those kids. I'm deeply ashamed of that fear. I think that from the perspective of those kids, life can be quite a peach. And I'm sure their parents would not appreciate my not wanting my daughter to join their troop (therein my shame lies). Their lives have meaning, purpose, joy -- I know it. And I *still* don't want my Moxie to be grouped with them.

"Be not scared of monsters, Mama. You should not be scared of monsters."

The monsters, the thoughts that scare. All parents have them. Different monsters, some that lie in wait under the bed, some that lurk behind the door. Some that scare us into thinking our kid will be hurt in a car crash, that our kid might be teased, might not have friends. Might walk, talk, laugh, think differently. Or that our kid might, heart-breakingly, succumb to some substance that might destroy them. Us parents all have monsters, don't we?

"Be not scared of monsters, Mama. You should not be scared of monsters."

And so.

I'll take another deep breath.

Turn on the flashlight
Face that sucker
Pack it away, put it in the worm bin
It has no place here

http://www.doozeedad.blogspot.com/

Photo Credit: kimjoarr.

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