Bedtimes? What Bedtimes?

Our kids don't have a set bedtime. What?? Are we insane? What about schedules? What about some quiet time after the kids go to sleep? Are they getting enough sleep? Before we get labeled as unconcerned, free-for-all, no boundaries parents, let me qualify this with - we do have bedtimes, but not set bedtimes.

Several years ago, my husband and I went from a two working-outside-of-the-home parents to one stay-at-home parent (my husband). Prior to that, the kids had to be woken up at 6:30am to get ready for daycare. Those days were filled with strict schedules and grueling bedtimes. With an energetic toddler and a nursing baby, it was nearly impossible to get everyone to sleep at a reasonable hour. We'd start at 8pm, but inevitably, bedtime stretched beyond 9pm. Every night, we were exhausted getting them to bed, and the kids were tired when they were woken up the next morning.

With the changing of the guard, the kids no longer had to get out of the house at a set time. Which meant that they could sleep until they woke up naturally. And since we no longer had a strict morning schedule, their bedtime schedule also relaxed. Suddenly, we were not exhausted fighting with them every night and the kids were miraculously well-rested in the morning. At first, we were aghast that the kids were going to sleep after 9pm and even up to 10pm. But since they were waking up naturally around 7:30am, they were getting enough sleep. Our own waking schedule also shifted to around 7:30am, so we ended up going to sleep later as well (luckily being a software engineer, it is "normal" to come in late to work).

Basically, we allow our kids' natural sleep rhythms and needs to govern their sleep schedule. This requires constant monitoring and adjustment of bedtimes according to their energy levels and the time they wake up. It sounds like more work than having a set bedtime, but it is actually easier to "go with the flow" and make adjustments when necessary.

In practice, we usually call bedtime around the same time every night, but we don't insist on an exact time. If we know they've had a particularly active day, we usually call bedtime earlier. If one of them takes a long nap during the day, we let their bedtime be a little later. And we know it is working as long as we don't have to wake them up in the morning.

When grade school started for my son, we were once again faced with having to get him ready at a set time every morning. We simply adjusted his bedtime so that he woke up naturally with plenty of time to get ready for school. This shift in bedtime is akin to the shift for Daylight Saving Time in the fall.

(Of course all this is good in theory, as my daughter is melting down before bedtime as I type this. She is obviously overtired!)

In the end, bedtimes are whatever works for your family, as long as it maintains the childrens' health and the parents' sanity. How do you handle bedtimes?

Contributing editor Angela is mostly sleepless herself at mommy bytes.

Submitted by moonfever0 (view blog

) on Thu, 08/13/2009 - 7:13pm

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No set bed-time, either

We do not have any set bed-time, either. I am at home right now, and so our kids go to sleep when they are ready to sleep and wake up more or less when they are ready to wake up.

We do have a de facto time that has evolved, but not as a result of our intervention. And if things go sideways because the baby is dropping a nap or teething we try not to stress about it. Like you, I have found it to be easier and more natural to go with the flow where possible, and see where that takes us. The good news is that it generally takes us to a place of enough sleep.

~ Amber

www.strocel.com

Submitted by AmberS on Thu, 08/13/2009 - 21:06

We have a "loose" bedtime

We have a "loose" bedtime for the kids of around 8pm but that is just because I am "done" by 8. I tell them "mommy is off duty now". My 4yo is usually very ready for bed by 8, but the girls will often stay up for a bit longer and read or play with their dolls. That's ok, I just want to retreat to my cocoon of bad reality tv and twitter. They don't have to be up for school b/c we do that at home, so it's rare that I need to rush them around in the morning.

Fairly Odd Mother

http://fairlyoddmother.blogspot.com

Submitted by Fairly Odd Mother on Fri, 08/14/2009 - 07:10

Similar to you

Our daughter's "natural rhythm" is what dictates bedtime. She usually goes down late 9, early 10ish. I try to stay up a little later than that, but it doesn't usually work. She still gets up for a feeding somewhere between 1 & 4 am, then she's up at 6 for her morning feeding, sometimes she goes right back to sleep and sometimes she stays up for a while, then goes back to sleep. It's easier than me trying to fight her to go to sleep, because all she'll do is cry in her crib and try to climb out.

Dawana
www.abittersweetexistence.com

Submitted by dewhug on Fri, 08/14/2009 - 08:30

Bedtime struggles

Life became a lot easier when we relaxed our bedtime routine a little. We still ask them to be in bed by 8pm, but they are allowed to read for as long as they like.

Beth I've been running my own personalized gifts online store since 2003.

Submitted by Beth Engel on Fri, 08/14/2009 - 09:33

Yay!

So glad to see something other than the "you're ruining them by not having a set bedtime routine!"

For a long time my kids stayed up until after 11pm. Why? I mean, that's pretty darned late. Well because if they weren't up that late, they never saw their father.

his work schedule was insane for awhile, and it was lose the job or work til 10pm. After a couple weeks of that, we started to notice behavior issues with the kids. They missed their dad and didn't know how to express it.

So they would stay up until he got home at 10, and then have some time with him. We didn't have a set schedule in the AM, so they could sleep until they woke up.

Our family understood it, and never said a word, but so many other people think they know best for you, no matter how little they know about your circumstances.

Well, nobody knows better than mom and dad. Do what you need to do. They're not little for very long, and we have to pick our battles.

Submitted by Leighbra on Fri, 08/14/2009 - 22:58

Yay to all of you!

I am so relieved to hear that so many of you do similar things! To be honest, when we used to have a strict bedtime, we had a friend that let her same age daughter stay up to 10 or 11pm every night and we were shocked! And we had other friends that got their kids to sleep at 8pm every night almost military style, and we felt like failures.

It may be just one of those parenting styles that differ, like how often you bathe your kids. No one way will be right for all families.

Angela at mommy bytes
BlogHer Contributing Editor in Mommy & Family Cribsheet

Submitted by moonfever0 on Fri, 08/14/2009 - 23:30

Bedtimes.....

Bedtimes is tricky in my house. I actually love your theory, as it is closely related to one I read in a book called Healthy Sleep Habits, Healthy Child (the author's name escapes me at the moment) - which I love. But it's harder to follow because my husband isn't the most sensitive to our little one's sleep needs (mostly because if he wakes up I'm the one who has to be awake with him). S often it doesn't matter what time I've gotten him in bed daddy comes along and wakes him up, which can be very frustrating and is a recipe for a cranky baby. But other than that, I usually try to have our little one in bed by 8:30, but that usually translates to 10 or so. -Dominique Ambassador for Christ.Wife.Mother.Black Woman.Freelance Writer.

Submitted by MommyWriter on Tue, 08/18/2009 - 20:07