Being Gay, It's Just Like Being Straight, But Different

I recently had a class about aging in the LGBT community. The speaker, a woman who is a lesbian herself, gave us all a "questionaire". Some of the questions were things like "when did you realize you were heterosexual?" or "how do you know you are not homosexual if you've never tried it?". Pretty much all the insensitive questions straight people ask gays/lesbians, only reversed to ask heterosexual people. Some of the people in the class had a really hard time with it because, really, the questions are either extremely hard to answer or are completely unanswerable. Being bi-sexual, I too had a hard time answering the questions as I am not heterosexual. Although this seminar was for social workers (who should already be aware and sensitive to these things) this questionaire really helped some people realize how terrible they are being when they ask these stupid questions. I only wish more people knew the difficult position they put LGBT people in when they ask "how did you know you were LGBT?" or "what does it feel like?". I have not told very many people that I work with that I am bisexual just so I don't have to deal with questions like that. We are no different than anyone else in our everyday lives, but even my husband thinks that it's like a "switch" and suddenly I m going to want to be with a woman. It's so frustrating! I only recently came to terms with my being bisexual so it's difficult to explain myself to people. But I'm trying. And learning. 

A friend of mine and I were talking the other day.  We hadn't seen each other in about a year, so we were catching up.  I just refer to my girlfriend by her name, and my friend stopped and said, "Wait, so are you and her friends or are you dating?"  I told her we were dating but that no one knew at school while we were there.  She kind of laughed and said, "Oh, they knew."

It got me thinking about the fact that our relationship came up in more than 1 conversation as "Can you believe that?!" and not in the way we all react when we hear about Paris Hilton and Benji Maddon.  It's the same thing we always hear: "But they're both still into guys, right?"  "They're too pretty to be gay!"  Etc.  It's then that I remember we're different.

Then, of course, now that it's out in the open, my friend made a comment about how if she were gay and I weren't in a relationship we'd be perfect for each other.  I think all straight girls think that.  If us lesbians weren't in relationships we'd be alllll over that.  And what do you say to someone who says that?  "Um, no.  We wouldn't."  It sounds harsh, but that's exactly what we're all thinking. 

We are different.  But good different. 

It's just small town thinking, that's all. You go to the big city, you have a better chance of never hearing that kind of stuff. Also, you gotta speak the language, which I do - it's possible I'm hypersenstive and that visitors passing through would not catch or notice the stuff that I did as a longer term resident. Very likely, really. 

The idea of a culturally progressive Europe has been, in my experience, fictional. I call it the melting pot (US) vs. the ice cube tray (Europe) model. In Europe, sure, we're all in the same space, but oh, the divisions. YMMV, etc. 

And yes! YES! Different is good! Different is intereating! And often, different just isn't all that different. 

Nerd's Eye View ( http://www.nerdseyeview.com )

I've never actually asked it myself, only because I'm sensitive enough to know how totally awkward it would feel in reverse. But, I have wondered about it and I'll tell you why -

My friends are my friends because I am attracted to them on some level, not sensually, but in a 'wow, what a great person I want in my life as a friend' sort of way. Which means that I think they are pretty great people and I admire them. So, when some of them turn out to be lesbian, part of me wonders 'She's such a great girl, if we were both in the same boat would I be great enough to be her date for at least one night?'. It's a 'I want to be validated as cool enough, good enough, pretty enough' kind of thing all based in insecurity and part curiousity.

But then like I said I've never asked the question because I totally get how inappropriate it is and how uncomfortable it could be. Since we're not 'there' in our lives why stir the pot?

After reading through these posts I'm glad I've never asked. I would never want to make my friends uncomfortable or offend them in any way. But maybe that explains why others ask.....

Tawnya Jonsek

www.awomansblog.com ( http://www.awomansblog.com )

My heart aches for your friend too.  I've been there, in the closet. It's a horrible place to be.  I hope your friend can find the courage to come out. When you're in the closet, it's difficult to understand how much better you will feel about yourself, your relationship, and your life after you come out.  At least your friend has someone positive and encouraging like you in her life. 

Thank you for helping change the world, through your vote, through your actions, and through what you teach your children. Those who think they have no power to effect change are so wrong. 

I too think my parents will get over the whole baby thing once it's here.  I just know the initial reaction isn't going to be one of joy, as it should be when you have a new grandchild on the way. 

With my friend and the whole would I be your type thing, in retrospect, I think she had feelings for me.  I think she liked me, liked me, from the beginning and she was waiting for me to come around.  But when I finally figured out that I was gay, or what it took for me, was to get totally swept off me feet by someone else.  

I sometimes wonder if that 'if I were gay" question doesn't come out of fear of getting hit on by the gay friend.  It happens quite a lot with people in their teens/early twenties that a gay friend falls in love with their best friend who is straight.  

I'm ready to be label free, stigma free.

I can't imagine what it must have been like for you growing up.  Although I'm coming from the catholic school experience, in a small conservative town.  You would have totally rocked the boat at my school.

Good luck to you with your daughter.  Puberty, such fun times.  I probably would have gone into a not as nice rant at your friend, but I know she's not alone in her thinking that it's only sex if it's male/female, and it's intercourse.  I can only assume that your friend's real thoght about being lucky if your daughter was a lesbian was that you wouldn't have to wory abot her getting pregnant.

And in my experience, girls are more complicated.  And just because I'm female doesn't mean I understand women.

I find that surprising to hear about about the alps, I thought they were a litte more progressive than that in Europe.  Or is it small town mentality, same as you'd find here in the U.S.?  Wel, at least they's be polite to their faces.  Though I think I'd rather know someone's true colors.

I just don't understand why different is bad.  It's difference that makes the life interesting.  

It drives you crazy how? 

I think you should be able to talk about what's important to you and your partner with your friends.  How else would we really come to understand one another? 

I thinkyou're right about most LGBT people being more sympathetic to discrimination of others.  We know what it's like to be judged on something that has nothing to do with ability.  And yes, the racial commentary in the the media is quite unbelievable.   

You bring up an interesting relationship dynamic that I sometimes forget about.  If you aren't getting the time you need, perhaps you just need to ask for some time to be set aside for just the two of you. 

Talking about the male/felmale split at gatherings now has me wondering if my circle of friends is different from most.  All of our friends are straight couples, oh and one other female who is single, and must of us have known each other for more than a decade.  When we have gatherings there doesn't seem to be a real male/female split.  The couples usually end up splitting and going off to seperate circles, and the circles are usually about a 50/50 mix.  I know many a time at parties with our friends Betty Please and may not see each other for most of the night.  Now, if the party was mostly people we don't know, we stick together.  So, maybe your friends gf just isn't secure enough in that group yet to strike out on her own.

You make some great points, which are also great words of encouargement.  But, being proud of who you are as a gay person doesn't mean that you don't still sometimes need to use discression about who you are out too, or what level of affectecion between a gay couple is safe.

I really enjoyed your article - very thought-provoking and poignant. I've often ached for my friend who is a lesbian that has to pretend she has a 'room-mate' and knows that in public she can't show the same affection that hetero couples have. It's something I have taken for granted being straight. I would like to think that when my sons are grown, should they be gay, they can be received with respect and not have the same fears she does.

The best I can do is to teach my children to live in a path of love and respect toward people from all walks of life and to be the change I want to see in the world.

I wish you the best on getting pregnant. And I just have to say I'm pleased with the state of CA and know I will be casting my vote FOR gays and lesbians keeping the right to marry. It's just basic human decency and I hope someday we will see it as one step of many towards equal rights for all.

Tawnya Jonsek

www.awomansblog.com ( http://www.awomansblog.com )

She couldn't get over the fact that we were so "normal" and just like a regular couple. She was never anti-gay, or homophobic, she just hadn't ever been around a gay couple so she had some strange ideas about what we would be like.

Sounds like me before I met my gay friends Samantha and Julie.

Re: the baby… once it’s here, they WILL love it. I’ve heard so many stories of families who refused to accept that their son or daughter were gay, to the point of refusing to have their partner over at family functions, until a baby arrived and melted away their prejudice and hate.

“If I were gay would I be your type?” 

It’s weird that people would do that. If a relationship is platonic, some topics are off limits and people should know better than to cross those lines. If one of my male friends (they are all mutual friends of my husband as well) asked me “if you were single, would I be your type?”, that would make me HUGELY uncomfortable.

To answer your question, no you are not different. If you read your own post, the only reason you ever feel different is not something that's inherent to your relationship - it's because society labeled you as different. Once that label is taken off (and it will, it's just a matter of time), you won't be, or feel, different. 

Vered DeLeeuw

http://momgrind.com/

I was raised by a gay dad, so it's always just been my world. Looks no different to me, though I am keenly aware that gay people do have to try a little harder for things that I take totally fro granted. (Marriage being the least of it, actually.)  

But yes, at the core, we're all the same. Regardless of color, age, religion, gender - we generally all want to be loves, appreciated, understood, safe, connected.....  That's just a higher bar for folks who are held at an arms length from the norm. It's better now than when I was growing up though. I was the only kid I knew with gay parents. My daughter has about 6 friends who's parents are gay.....  (Wow, more than that, i think....)

But your post made me laugh because as I deal with my daughter's impending puberty, I told a friend that I was horrified because I know she's gonna be a flirty /sexy little thing. I just do. And my friend said, "hey, maybe you'll be lucky, maybe she'll be a lesbian!"  I cracked up. "How is that any different?"  "You know, than she won't be "f'ing" guys!" I laughed even harder!  "Are you kidding me, sex is sex, no matter who you're having with it. And at least guys aren't emotionally manipulative!"

It was just funny. The idea that the love, sex, angst, intimacy, fear etc..... is really any different when boys vs/ girls.  It's all the same.  (Except i do think girls are more complicated! Guys must be easier.  Maybe that's why I'm straight, I'm just too lazy?)

I was joking, btw.....  

And for what it's worth, Celia still says she doesnt' know if she'll marry a boy or a girl. I just hope she has the option. 

____________

Alyssa Royse

Just Cause It: ( http://www.justcauseit.com )A Web Site To Save The World

Start Her Up: ( http://www.startherup.com )A Blog for Women Entrepreneurs

While I was living in my guy's small town in the alps, I was often confronted with remarks about the "others" - you name it, anyone who's not a white, straight Christian. I didn't know what to say until one day, when someone made a remark about the ONLY out man I'd ever seen there - "Oh, he's just a sad old homo, I feel sorry for those people, the way they live..." "But WHY?!," I asked, "they're just like you and me with mortgage payments and dishes that need washing and and and... when you get to know 'them' you'll find there's no difference, really. 

It killed me that I could not feel good about inviting my very best friend and his husband to come and stay with us - they would be the talk of the town, people would stare, they gawked at my Chinese sister in law when she came, but two dudes? Whoa. Oh, they'd be polite enough, but the back channel noise would hardly be silent . I hate that, I hate knowing that he'd be subject to that.

I don't really have a point here, only to say that hey, at my house, you're just like everyone else, only NOT different, and I continually hope for the day when that's true everywhere. 

Nerd's Eye View ( http://www.nerdseyeview.com )

and I'll probably be back to say more than that, but have no time to dig in.

That stopping for a minute part before you answer the married/single question - that drives me crazy.

ok ok going back to work.

Thanks Zoe.

~Denise
BlogHer Community Manager

Flamingo House Happenings ( http://www.flamingohouse.net/ )

I really struggled with this when introducing my partner to my friends from my hometown.  I identified as a straight gal when we became friends and although I had come out to them, I avoided talking about my LGBT activism work and tried to stick to subjects that we could all be comfortable with. 

My partner is very much involved with activism and that's her life-her job, her "extra curriculars," her interests all around and so that's what she had to talk about.  I wanted to censor her so that my friends wouldn't feel awkward, but in the end, this is my partner and this is her life and if they aren't comfortable with it, then we shouldn't be friends, but it was a tough journey.

 I think there are differences though.  At least in my reflection, most of the LGBT people I know are more sympathetic to the discrimination others face and the hardships that others go though.  When i get really upset about the racial commentary in the media concerning the presidential election, people question me, "You're not black, why do you care?" And it takes awhile for me to explain that because I am so shocked by the ignorant, homophobic things that are said in the media, I have become attuned to other injustices.  Granted, there are plenty of queer folks out there who do not have this sympathy or interest in the "discrimination of the other" but I do think it is something that many of us pick up.  

Thank you for that. My best friend of over a decade is in a committed relationship with a woman after identifying as heterosexual earlier in her life and being married to a man several years ago. I have been there to  love and support her through a very emotional transition. It is interesting how that change has impacted our friendship and the ways that we spend time together when I travel to see her. In Hetero relationships you often have that male/female split when there is a gathering of couples and navigating getting my girl time in with her when her partner is also a girl...and how does that work out....OY! It has been interesting. I love to see the ways our relationships are similar and also how they differ.

Still searching...www.illusivejoy.wordpress.com

Zoe...great topic thanks for bringing this up.   Being gay or straight is really only in the eyes of the person who is making it an issue and should not be put in any category.   Be proud of who you are and don't let the "straight" people make you question your life or who you love they are the ones who are questioning themselves and what they believe.    Life is to short to worry about being "different" be in love and live your life and let the “straight” people question their lives.   I like reading your post so please keep sharing.

Mara http://24stepstogo.blogspot.com/