Zoe...great topic thanks for bringing this up.   Being gay or straight is really only in the eyes of the person who is making it an issue and should not be put in any category.   Be proud of who you are and don't let the "straight" people make you question your life or who you love they are the ones who are questioning themselves and what they believe.    Life is to short to worry about being "different" be in love and live your life and let the “straight” people question their lives.   I like reading your post so please keep sharing.

Mara http://24stepstogo.blogspot.com/

Thank you for that. My best friend of over a decade is in a committed relationship with a woman after identifying as heterosexual earlier in her life and being married to a man several years ago. I have been there to  love and support her through a very emotional transition. It is interesting how that change has impacted our friendship and the ways that we spend time together when I travel to see her. In Hetero relationships you often have that male/female split when there is a gathering of couples and navigating getting my girl time in with her when her partner is also a girl...and how does that work out....OY! It has been interesting. I love to see the ways our relationships are similar and also how they differ.

Still searching...www.illusivejoy.wordpress.com

I really struggled with this when introducing my partner to my friends from my hometown.  I identified as a straight gal when we became friends and although I had come out to them, I avoided talking about my LGBT activism work and tried to stick to subjects that we could all be comfortable with. 

My partner is very much involved with activism and that's her life-her job, her "extra curriculars," her interests all around and so that's what she had to talk about.  I wanted to censor her so that my friends wouldn't feel awkward, but in the end, this is my partner and this is her life and if they aren't comfortable with it, then we shouldn't be friends, but it was a tough journey.

 I think there are differences though.  At least in my reflection, most of the LGBT people I know are more sympathetic to the discrimination others face and the hardships that others go though.  When i get really upset about the racial commentary in the media concerning the presidential election, people question me, "You're not black, why do you care?" And it takes awhile for me to explain that because I am so shocked by the ignorant, homophobic things that are said in the media, I have become attuned to other injustices.  Granted, there are plenty of queer folks out there who do not have this sympathy or interest in the "discrimination of the other" but I do think it is something that many of us pick up.  

and I'll probably be back to say more than that, but have no time to dig in.

That stopping for a minute part before you answer the married/single question - that drives me crazy.

ok ok going back to work.

Thanks Zoe.

~Denise
BlogHer Community Manager

Flamingo House Happenings

While I was living in my guy's small town in the alps, I was often confronted with remarks about the "others" - you name it, anyone who's not a white, straight Christian. I didn't know what to say until one day, when someone made a remark about the ONLY out man I'd ever seen there - "Oh, he's just a sad old homo, I feel sorry for those people, the way they live..." "But WHY?!," I asked, "they're just like you and me with mortgage payments and dishes that need washing and and and... when you get to know 'them' you'll find there's no difference, really. 

It killed me that I could not feel good about inviting my very best friend and his husband to come and stay with us - they would be the talk of the town, people would stare, they gawked at my Chinese sister in law when she came, but two dudes? Whoa. Oh, they'd be polite enough, but the back channel noise would hardly be silent . I hate that, I hate knowing that he'd be subject to that.

I don't really have a point here, only to say that hey, at my house, you're just like everyone else, only NOT different, and I continually hope for the day when that's true everywhere. 

Nerd's Eye View

I was raised by a gay dad, so it's always just been my world. Looks no different to me, though I am keenly aware that gay people do have to try a little harder for things that I take totally fro granted. (Marriage being the least of it, actually.)  

But yes, at the core, we're all the same. Regardless of color, age, religion, gender - we generally all want to be loves, appreciated, understood, safe, connected.....  That's just a higher bar for folks who are held at an arms length from the norm. It's better now than when I was growing up though. I was the only kid I knew with gay parents. My daughter has about 6 friends who's parents are gay.....  (Wow, more than that, i think....)

But your post made me laugh because as I deal with my daughter's impending puberty, I told a friend that I was horrified because I know she's gonna be a flirty /sexy little thing. I just do. And my friend said, "hey, maybe you'll be lucky, maybe she'll be a lesbian!"  I cracked up. "How is that any different?"  "You know, than she won't be "f'ing" guys!" I laughed even harder!  "Are you kidding me, sex is sex, no matter who you're having with it. And at least guys aren't emotionally manipulative!"

It was just funny. The idea that the love, sex, angst, intimacy, fear etc..... is really any different when boys vs/ girls.  It's all the same.  (Except i do think girls are more complicated! Guys must be easier.  Maybe that's why I'm straight, I'm just too lazy?)

I was joking, btw.....  

And for what it's worth, Celia still says she doesnt' know if she'll marry a boy or a girl. I just hope she has the option. 

____________

Alyssa Royse

Just Cause It: A Web Site To Save The World

Start Her Up: A Blog for Women Entrepreneurs

She couldn't get over the fact that we were so "normal" and just like a regular couple. She was never anti-gay, or homophobic, she just hadn't ever been around a gay couple so she had some strange ideas about what we would be like.

Sounds like me before I met my gay friends Samantha and Julie.

Re: the baby… once it’s here, they WILL love it. I’ve heard so many stories of families who refused to accept that their son or daughter were gay, to the point of refusing to have their partner over at family functions, until a baby arrived and melted away their prejudice and hate.

“If I were gay would I be your type?” 

It’s weird that people would do that. If a relationship is platonic, some topics are off limits and people should know better than to cross those lines. If one of my male friends (they are all mutual friends of my husband as well) asked me “if you were single, would I be your type?”, that would make me HUGELY uncomfortable.

To answer your question, no you are not different. If you read your own post, the only reason you ever feel different is not something that's inherent to your relationship - it's because society labeled you as different. Once that label is taken off (and it will, it's just a matter of time), you won't be, or feel, different. 

Vered DeLeeuw

http://momgrind.com/

I really enjoyed your article - very thought-provoking and poignant. I've often ached for my friend who is a lesbian that has to pretend she has a 'room-mate' and knows that in public she can't show the same affection that hetero couples have. It's something I have taken for granted being straight. I would like to think that when my sons are grown, should they be gay, they can be received with respect and not have the same fears she does.

The best I can do is to teach my children to live in a path of love and respect toward people from all walks of life and to be the change I want to see in the world.

I wish you the best on getting pregnant. And I just have to say I'm pleased with the state of CA and know I will be casting my vote FOR gays and lesbians keeping the right to marry. It's just basic human decency and I hope someday we will see it as one step of many towards equal rights for all.

Tawnya Jonsek

www.awomansblog.com

A friend of mine and I were talking the other day.  We hadn't seen each other in about a year, so we were catching up.  I just refer to my girlfriend by her name, and my friend stopped and said, "Wait, so are you and her friends or are you dating?"  I told her we were dating but that no one knew at school while we were there.  She kind of laughed and said, "Oh, they knew."

It got me thinking about the fact that our relationship came up in more than 1 conversation as "Can you believe that?!" and not in the way we all react when we hear about Paris Hilton and Benji Maddon.  It's the same thing we always hear: "But they're both still into guys, right?"  "They're too pretty to be gay!"  Etc.  It's then that I remember we're different.

Then, of course, now that it's out in the open, my friend made a comment about how if she were gay and I weren't in a relationship we'd be perfect for each other.  I think all straight girls think that.  If us lesbians weren't in relationships we'd be alllll over that.  And what do you say to someone who says that?  "Um, no.  We wouldn't."  It sounds harsh, but that's exactly what we're all thinking. 

We are different.  But good different. 

I recently had a class about aging in the LGBT community. The speaker, a woman who is a lesbian herself, gave us all a "questionaire". Some of the questions were things like "when did you realize you were heterosexual?" or "how do you know you are not homosexual if you've never tried it?". Pretty much all the insensitive questions straight people ask gays/lesbians, only reversed to ask heterosexual people. Some of the people in the class had a really hard time with it because, really, the questions are either extremely hard to answer or are completely unanswerable. Being bi-sexual, I too had a hard time answering the questions as I am not heterosexual. Although this seminar was for social workers (who should already be aware and sensitive to these things) this questionaire really helped some people realize how terrible they are being when they ask these stupid questions. I only wish more people knew the difficult position they put LGBT people in when they ask "how did you know you were LGBT?" or "what does it feel like?". I have not told very many people that I work with that I am bisexual just so I don't have to deal with questions like that. We are no different than anyone else in our everyday lives, but even my husband thinks that it's like a "switch" and suddenly I m going to want to be with a woman. It's so frustrating! I only recently came to terms with my being bisexual so it's difficult to explain myself to people. But I'm trying. And learning.