Believing in my self-worth as a wife and new mother.
I always thought I would be super-wife and super-mom. I am so super not. I thought fulfilling my wifely duties such as cooking, cleaning, ironing, etc would be a breeze. I'll enjoy doing it because I'll be MARRIED and live in my own house! It will be FUN said my eager 21 year old heart. Well, once you have been married for awhile, you come to the realization that marriage is not always a bed of roses, requiring more work and compromise than you imagined, and living in your own big house comes with a mortgage and even more upkeep. Throw a baby in to the mix, and there is so much that needs you and so little of you to go around that feelings of inadequacy start to creep in the corners of your mind.
the inside of my laundry cabinet. This is only a little crazy, right? :p
I think as a mother, I have sort of taken the "crunchy" route. I breastfeed. I wear my baby in a wrap. I make homemade fruit and vegetable baby foods. He wears lots of organic clothing. But I feel like I am not the complete crunchy package. I don't cloth diaper. I don't co-sleep. I have started buying more and more processed baby foods. I give him juice. I use Windex. And I feel guilty. Ridiculous, right? In my head I KNOW I'm a damn good mom. I breastfed through an elimination diet for months, restricting myself of most things with major proteins and taste for that matter, to keep my baby's allergies at bay. And that took a tremendous amount of will power (and if I mention it in every other post from here on out, I'm not sorry). I play with him, read to him, show him things the entire time he is awake. I rarely take a moment for myself. Yet, I still feel inadequate. Probably because I set up unattainable goals of absolute perfection in my head. And being a wife? I feel like a big fat fail. (disclaimer: my husband does nothing to make me feel this way). It has nothing to do with the emotional aspect of marriage. I nurture our relationship with plenty meaningful ways. It's the wifely duty things. The cooking, okay, well nevermind it's not the cooking...hubs called me an incredible cook today. ::takes a bow:: It's the cleaning, and the ironing, the mopping, the laundry, the sweeping, the vacuumming- scratch that- I freaking love to vacuum- the dusting, the butt-patting (I could be more empathetic- ironic since I just called empathy "butt-patting", no?) I just don't like doing it, but sometimes I love it. Confusing? I have such an ALL OR NOTHING personality that if this house isn't looking like a Pottery Barn spread including twinkles from the super clean floor, then it's going to look like a tornado hit it. Twice. And then I feel like crap ...because I left out a glass of apple juice for so long that it grew mold spores. (I know. It was an accident though) But the fact that my husband found it...I instantly think how in the hell does he put with me? I suck.
the guilt spurning wreckage that makes me pull my hair out. How and why do I let these things happen? Why can't I find a balance in between being mother, wife, and finding time for me? My husband told me today that I am so task oriented that if I don't have a list of things to check off, that I have no clue to do with myself. SO SO true. I can honestly say, I do not know how to relax. I feel like sometimes I am everything (mom, maid, great cook, social) and then nothing (lazy, introverted, lazy, lazy...EXHAUSTED).
|see? task oriented indeed.|
Once I saw a picture that said, "A clean house is a sign of a wasted life." I say a clean house is a sign that I didn't spend enough time with my baby today. But we can't live in a dump, ya know? It's all about finding balance and I have NO idea how to do it. And I need to quit equating my worth as a mother with how much weight James gained in a month or if he has accomplished whatever milestone by this time frame. And I need to quit equating my worth as a wife with how many times I cooked this week, or how clean the house is. ...I'm crazy aren't I? Just say it. But seriously, I need to work on juggling all my responsibilities and knowing that it is okay that I am not perfect at all of them. And if I perfection is not feasible (which I know good and well it isn't) that it is OKAY and it doesn't mean that I should jump ship on the entire task, whatever it may be, or feel like a bad mom or bad wife. I am a good mom. And a good wife. I just need to believe it.
Breastfeeding, babywearing, first time mama writing about the trials, hilarity, and stickiness of motherhood. http://www.ourgrowinggarden.com
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