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I hear a lot about best friends. You know, those people who stand out from the rest, who you talk to more than many other people, or who you at least know would answer if you were really in a jam. Your best friend is the person who holds your secrets, who in the best of times is there when the rest of the world isn't, whose heart you probably know at least a little better than most.
And who, yes, in the worst of times, has maybe sold you out and let you know that fundamentally, sometimes when you need it most to be, life isn't fair. And who in the process has taught you how to handle the particular heartbreak of a broken friendship, with the choice and the challenge to mend or to sever it.
There are some who would say now that children should not be encouraged to have these deeper personal relationships, that in fact adults -- educators and parents -- should intervene and push the power of the group experience over one-on-one. Some claim that close friendships can lead to cliques and exclusionary behavior, maybe bullying. According to the New York Times, some schools and camps employ administrative teams and "friendship coaches" to ensure the power of the collective.
If two children seem to be too focused on each other, the camp will make sure to put them on different sports teams, seat them at different ends of the dining table or, perhaps, have a counselor invite one of them to participate in an activity with another child whom they haven’t yet gotten to know.
I'm all about getting to know new people, but this just sounds wrong.
I was an awkward child in some ways. School was difficult for me at times and if not the last kid picked, I was rarely among the first. There were a few people in my small elementary school who kept me from feeling so alone, and who, in the process, made my life better. I am still close to one of these women, and it's nice to know that we independently forged a connection at six years of age that lasted. We each have many other long-lasting and closer friendships with other people, but I am still among the first to see mobile uploads of her latest tattoo. We can still locate each other in space, put it that way.
What happened happened. Other kids could have been forced to sit at my table. I could have been discouraged from hanging out with her. I believe -- based on what I know personally and of children -- that that would not have ended well. The best way to make me want something is to tell me I can't have it or do it, anyway. Have these people not heard about reverse psychology?
Sometimes adults need to back off and let things roll.
I don't have to give out broken-lettered hearts anymore to prove it, but I have a best friend now. In fact, I've had a few over the course of my life, and always a handful more of people I consider closest to me. I like a lot of people, but my friends are important to me and the truth is that I like them differently and, yes, better, than I like other people. No matter what you call her, you had better feel that way about people who call you out about questionable boyfriends and bad attitudes, who can teach you a good deal about love, loyalty and bridal shower hell.
Not that all of my friends are women -- not by a long shot, but that's another post.
Many of these relationships have mellowed. Some of these people have hurt me, and I have hurt them. Some have disappeared entirely. And my best friend now, the person I consider closest to me? I could not have what I know is a strong and valuable relationship with her were it not for all of these other people before. I wouldn't have the quality group of friends I have now if I hadn't naturally figured out who and what works for me and doesn't.
So no matter how painful (and yes, exclusionary) some of my social interactions have been over the years, I honestly believe that I had to learn how to navigate them on my own, with some support along the way from my parents, other trusted adults
