Dr. Laura, the N-Word, Gays, Lesbians, Autism: Bloggers on Everything She's Wrong About

That no empathy thing is very scary and very common - particularly among people who are abusive. You're absolutely right.

Exactly. Those behaviors of hers are the characteristics of an abuser. Blaming the other. No empathy. Justifying it. Etc.

One Friday night, I loaded up my life and headed out... ( http://isledance.blogspot.com )

LOL!

Of course none of us are perfect - that's perfectly true. ; )

But I heard anger in Dr. Laura's voice, and I heard her arguing specifically that Jade was too sensitive to the use of the "N" word, that she has no sense of humor, and that all she needs to do to see how oversensitive she (Jade) is, is turn on the TV - which makes me think Dr. Laura’s belief is more in the ball park of “ it's okay to call people names,” not that she believes anyone should be held accountable for it.

Also, Dr. Laura's whole argument about the freedom of speech on this issue is very like the many who argue in support of Holocaust denial and anti-Semitism on the same principle. There's something a bit off about the argument. Sure, we all enjoy the freedom of speech in this country, thank goodness! But that doesn't mean we get to pretend it doesn't matter what we say, or that no one else gets to disagree (or agree) with what we say, or that we’re automatically right - especially if talk/press/media happens to be our profession - it just means we don't have to go to jail for saying it, whatever “it” is.

I also heard Dr. Laura say something along the lines that a portion of the "black" vote went to Obama just because of his ethnicity – as if a portion of the “white” vote hasn’t always gone to other candidates because of their European ethnicities? What does that even have to do with a giraffe in a Norwegian bungalow? (What?) She went on to say she's heard more complaints about racism since Obama’s election, and that she thinks that’s “hilarious.”

And she has every right to say all of those things. On air, even. Without being pulled off the air in the middle of her actual speech – which she wasn’t. She most definitely said what she had to say. That is, after all, Freedom of Speech in action.

(Then I get to say things like, “I don't ‘get’ how Obama has anything to do with Jade's marriage, but okaaay....?” lol.)

But I also heard Dr. Laura repeatedly interrupt and talk over her caller - thus infringing on Jade's freedom of speech (if you want to get really technical).

Let me put it this way: If I were a firefighter, I’d have to be aware of more and a little bit more responsible for my actions whenever around fire. If I were a doctor, I’d have to be more aware and more responsible around medicine and patients and injury. …And, if I were a radio talk show host, I’d have to be a more aware and more responsible around…well…talking on air. That doesn’t mean censorship, it just means consciousness and the presence of an operant, professional skill set relating to a person’s area of expertise.

And yes, we all make mistakes, but uh…that was a big’un.

I think I should probably cut and paste it, but don't want to take from this post.

And there is still SO much more to say...!

--Kate

Dr. Laura often communicates in an abusive manner. And, at times, she also seems genuinely concerned for others.

It would be so much easier to deal with people communicating abusively if they were consistently abusive, but they often are not. Because the reality is, people are not perfect. Not Dr. Laura. Not me. Not you.

I'm guessing (and I could be very wrong) that what Dr. Laura was trying to communicate, was, "I'm really upset that I hear the N-word everywhere I go and nobody is being held accountable for the destruction that this is causing our society."

Clearly, she did no communicate this appropriately. She had an abusive tantrum, instead.

That said, none of this should have even been her issue on this call. What she should have said to the caller was...

"I am so sorry your husband and his friends are abusive to and around you. I believe that it's harmful to use that word, no matter who is using it and no matter what it's being used for. It makes me sick that you're having to endure this. You deserve so much better. You deserve love and respect. Clearly your husband and his friends have NO idea what love and respect are. I hope you find a good attorney and fight for your freedom. Be sure to take half the cash on your way out, too."

One Friday night, I loaded up my life and headed out... ( http://isledance.blogspot.com )

People call Dr. Laura because they've received much worse abuse in their life...more than what Dr. Laura could ever dish out...so she seems kinder to them. They don't (yet) know that she is simply just less abusive. Years down the road, if they are lucky, they will understand. But first they must find a way to escape...and they're hoping she might be able to help...in some small way...for now.

One Friday night, I loaded up my life and headed out... ( http://isledance.blogspot.com )

Because we know that never happens! ;-)

Kim Pearson
BlogHer Contributing Editor ( http://blogher.org/blog/kim-pearson )|KimPearson.net ( http://kimpearson.net )|

Especially that last part. Eloquently stated.

Kim Pearson
BlogHer Contributing Editor ( http://blogher.org/blog/kim-pearson )|KimPearson.net ( http://kimpearson.net )|

They want her to clarify her defense of Laura Schlessinger and they want RNC Chair Michael Steele to take her to task, according to BlogHer Contributing Editor ( http://blogher.org/blog/kim-pearson )|KimPearson.net ( http://kimpearson.net )|

So, I just listened to the whole Jade/”Dr.” Laura broadcast because I wanted to hear the actual conversation and not simply react to reactions.

...O...M...G...

I know this comment will likely be long, so apologies right up front.

There are so many things wrong with what was said and what was not said...

“Dr.” Laura - who is not a psychologist or sociologist, as has been pointed out by Kim Pearson above (thank you -- was looking for that extremely important point), sat there and repeated over and over again things like, "hypersensitivity," "over sensitive," etc.

If you look up verbal abuse, you'll find multiple references to comments such as these as ways of invalidating the thoughts/feelings/experiences of the individual enduring such abuse. So right off the bat, regardless of the "N" word, we have “Dr.” Laura verbally abusing Jade, hands down. And in a public forum, no less. Ugly.

“Dr.” Laura behaved as men often do when degrading women in the workplace (and otherwise), by accusing Jade of not having a sense of humor about something very much not funny - repeatedly.

So there's that.

Yes, “Dr.” Laura was right, if you listen to "black" comedy on a cable channel, you'll hear the "N" word right and left. I contend that if you turn on LOGO, you'll hear "f@g" and "dyke" every now and then at least. (I'm gay, so this is my personal frame of reference on social out-group "difference" and the language of prejudice.) However, who uses the word, how, in what literal context, and in what cultural context is important - a point that “Dr.” Laura missed completely.

Also, as Jade pointed out, none of the above makes it right.

Here's the deal: if your partner doesn't at least stand by you when you're dehumanized, there's a major relationship problem -- this is exactly why it's known to be unhealthy to be in a relationship with someone who is in the closet where my personal minority culture is concerned – and let's not let go unmentioned the fact that minority cultures also have subcultures that are often at odds with each other regarding issues such as this one (meaning stepping up when the chips are down, regardless of the "word(s)" used in a given moment vs. “taking back” words that have traditionally been used in dehumanizing ways).

Jade is married; a privilege which I can't legally enjoy. Yet her partner has not met even my own basic criterion in a serious relationship prospect: step up, or at least back me up, when the sh!t hits the fan. Bottom line. The issue that caused Jade to call in was a relationship issue, not a racial issue. Jade feels that her husband doesn’t stand up for her when her neighbor is disrespectful to her. The reason why is a completely different subject, and one that “Dr.” Laura used to inflame her show and a dramatically flawed ego.

Whatever.

Back to the issue at hand – what do you do when your partner doesn’t have your back? That’s a serious problem. I might have asked for an example, sure, but I also would have asked, “Have you talked to him/her about it? What was the response? How long have you dealt with this issue (the flying solo issue, not the cultural difference issue)?” Etc. As a person who is visibly identifiable as gay when I walk in the room, I know what it is to discover that the one I love doesn’t have the spine to step up – and it’s a very cold, lonely moment, le’me tell ya.

I can also say that it’s obviously – OBVIOUSLY – not Jade’s job to be the personal black educational experience of the neighborhood any more than it is mine to be the personal gay educational experience of my neighborhood – though I do tolerate some serious b.s. on a regular basis because it’s flat out easier than getting all riled up every other minute. But when my HR Mngr. told me that if I wanted tolerance I needed to exhibit tolerance, I nearly puked – what exactly does she think I do 24/7? Same answer for “Dr.” Laura: what exactly do you think Jade deals with 24/7?

Wait a minute – I don’t really want to hear it, because it’s evident that “Dr.” Laura has no clue. That would be due to the fact that “Dr”Laura is a member of mainstream majority culture, and enjoys the privilege of not having to think about it - and has chosen to invoke that privilege.

Lucky Laura.

“Dr.” Laura was so far into the area of "wrong," it really doesn't matter what I have to say about her commentary. Except for this - she had one thing right: it's all about power, and that power should be used for righteousness. Sadly, “Dr.” Laura doesn't sound as though she actually knows what that means, but apparently, she is aware of the concept (she must have had to read something by Dr. King or Frederick Douglass in Jr. High…).

Let me just take a moment here to shed a little light on the myth of “tolerance.” Tolerance is what people of minority cultures have to allow on a daily basis in order to function in a blinded mainstream culture, not the other way around. Studies clearly show that such practice – that of daily tolerance – is stressful enough to shorten a lifespan. So don’t tell me, “Dr.” Laura, that I have to tolerate words like b!tch, f@g and d^ke on a regular basis just because many members of my culture have attempted to reclaim the words from people like you and then turn around and say it’s okay because my partner is freaked out about how to actually be my partner in public. And if I were a person of color (pick one), I’d say exactly the same thing, but with the privilege of the weight of a better known history standing right behind me.

But at the end of the day, “Dr.” Laura or not, I’d turn to my partner after turning out the light, and I’d say, “…Honey, what just happened? Where were you when I needed you?”

And then I’d cry.

A lot.

First off, excellent post, Liz!

There are two things I want to say about this. First, Schlessinger asked the common question about why black people use the n-word with each other. There's a big argument among black people about that, but if Schlessinger were actually a psychologist instead of a BlogHer Contributing Editor ( http://blogher.org/blog/kim-pearson )|KimPearson.net ( http://kimpearson.net )|

I think this is a great book and you know how I learned about it? By going to BlogHer and being on a panel about race and gender and meeting Lara (of A Notion of Identity blog) and she told me about the book.

http://www.dukeupress.edu/Catalog/ViewProduct.php?... ( http://www.dukeupress.edu/Catalog/ViewProduct.php?... )

It's about a white woman (who is Jewish too I believe) married to a black man and their two black sons. It's heartbreaking but I think really, really gets into the head of how this all unfolds. (I realize it's not a black woman married to a white man story but still think it has some relevance in this conversation - I hope!)

Jill Writes Like She Talks ( http://www.writeslikeshetalks.com )

In The Arena: Jill Miller Zimon, Pepper Pike City Council Member ( http://jillmillerzimon.blogspot.com )

The guy in the story? That was me once upon a time (but I'm female). When I was younger I dated someone of a different religion and my conservative family were absolutely opposed (for example they offered to get me therapy to cure the psychological problems that clearly underlie dating outside the fold) It was pretty ugly.

For a long time I didn't tell the family about the relationship, and when I did I didn't stand up strongly enough. My boyfriend at the time kicked my butt and told me that I must stand up for the relationship and for him. It took me too long - it was painful to handle the opposition and ostracism - and put a lot of stress on the relationship.

For the woman in the story, she should insist that her husband back her up. He's married to her, he's related to them, and needs to bear the brunt of dealing with them and educating them. She needs to tell him how much it hurts her when he doesn't stand up for her, and that it's unacceptable for him to take racism quietly. She also need to speak up and tell him what bothers her - he has had the privilege of being oblivious to patterns of racist behavior but he needs to learn now.

If/when I'm in the situation again the family doesn't have any votes in the matter. I learned this the hard way by doing it wrong.

There needs to be a book, doesn't there!?

Your story is heartbreaking and I think it is shared by many people out there. You are right, once there are grandkids, the parents often come around. But then, what will they teach those grandkids in the way of internalized racism? That's a scary thought!

I like Anti-Racist Parent ( http://loveisntenough.com/ ) as a resource and I also woke up this morning thinking about Damali Ayo ( http://damaliayo.com/ ) who has a great site full of resources and who is Twittering right now inviting folks to ask diversity questions ( https://twitter.com/damaliayo ) and get advice. I bet she would have a completely kick-ass answer for Jade.

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Liz Henry ( http://www.blogher.com/haystackprofile/viewprofile... )
Composite: Tech & Poetics ( http://liz-henry.blogspot.com/ )

lizzard@bookmaniac.net

Glad it was thought-provoking, Jane! I do wonder why anyone would call Dr. Laura, but I see that people turn to any advice they can get. But calling someone who is likely to turn on you like a snake and make fun of you or yell at you, I don't get! The only thing I can think of is that sometimes she might fire people up to get mad on their own behalf and take action. I try to imagine myself calling Dr. Laura or her equivalent for advice. If I liked her, maybe I'd be looking for a harsh perspective that my friends would be unlikely to say to my face. Even for that kind of tactic, her answers to people are over the top obnoxious!

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Liz Henry ( http://www.blogher.com/haystackprofile/viewprofile... )
Composite: Tech & Poetics ( http://liz-henry.blogspot.com/ )

lizzard@bookmaniac.net

I note that even my advice focuses on the white people's difficulty processing their own rudeness!

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Liz Henry ( http://www.blogher.com/haystackprofile/viewprofile... )
Composite: Tech & Poetics ( http://liz-henry.blogspot.com/ )

lizzard@bookmaniac.net

Liz, great post. Racism, as the wonderful song from Avenue Q tells us, "Everyone's a Little Bit Racist" AND it's not exclusively white.

As a white, Jewish woman, I've experienced and seen such awful situations. When it's a family member or close friend whose making the inappropriate comments, it's doubly hard to stand up for oneself.

My first experience like this was when I dated a Chinese man (born in Taiwan, moved to US at 7 yrs old) whose parents denied my existence. I met his father 3 times in five years - with him yelling at me in Chinese every time. Met his mother only once, also with father yelling.

When the subject of marriage came up, I regularly asked my beau, "how will it work if your parents don't even acknowledge me?" And what about children, would they not have a mother welomed into the grandparents home?

More recently, my cousin married a lovely woman who really makes him happy. When they announced their engagement, my uncle was offended when anyone said "Mazel Tov" (congratulations) to him because the fiancee, now wife, isn't Jewish.

Worse than this, at the wedding, he refused to be in pictures with just his son and daughter-in-law. Lots of pictures with them and family friends. IMHO, this is cruel.

When I explained (awkwardly) to the new bride why these pictures were missing, the silence was deafening.

They now have two beautiful little girls, and my uncle is always playing with them as well as babysitting. Guess he's now able to "overlook" the fact that his grandchildren are technically not Jewish b/c their mother isn't.

I truly feel for Jade. No matter what she tries - talking/begging her husband to stand up for her, saying something to the family members herself or not participating in family functions, she loses and is in all likelihood made the villian.

My apologies if this comment is too long, but this issue is such an ugly part of so many people.

I don't have any advice for Jade except to suggest, retroactively, that she never should have called Dr. Laura in the first place. Dr. L is vicious and dangerous...why? Because it brings in the ratings. You got it exactly right, her show has always been about entertainment, not helping or empowering people. Every time she smacks down someone in need, the cash register goes cha-ching. I'm glad the curtain is finally coming down on her hate filled program. It's vile.

Thanks for this brilliant post! It is very thought provoking.

Jane K. Collins

It's just so special to see another Black woman's problem get magically transformed into WhitePain!