Stop Being Your Kid's BFF and Start Being Their Parent

Love, love, love! Thanks for letting me know I'm not the only one ;)

I am so glad you pointed this out. I see this all to often. As a single mom I instilled in my son to get respect you must give it and earn it. Treat others as you would want to be treated. These golden rules shouldn't change with the times. They should always hold true. It's never bad children that we see only bad parenting. Thanks for sharing.

The big problem as I see it is that the authorities have to be respectable. Regardless of education, finances, position, if someone in authority engages in behaviors that do not demonstrate principles that demand the right kind of attention, what are children and young people to do?

Authoritarian behavior is about fascism.

Amen! Thanks, Kristi. I have been honored to speak to MOPS groups here in northern VA, and the sum total of my (million words or less) discussion is this: Parent Purposefully. Make conscious decisions about who you want your children to be, and then parent accordingly. As an example, I use my five fingers to list (and then explain, possibly ad nauseum) our parenting goals, which are to raise: 1. Happy (I talk about what this means, and what it doesn't, which includes giving them everything the neighbors give their kids), 2. Healthy (developing good eaters, manners, communication skills, exercise), 3. Well-adjusted (This is mostly about giving them the tools to be successful in a world that will not cater to them and expects that they will earn their own way), 4. Godly (By far the most important, with my thoughts on how to work toward this), 5. Young men who don't grow up to live in our basement, eating Cheetos and playing video games. This always gets a laugh, but REALLY, we are raising them to leave us. Keeping our eyes on that goal helps us to be brave enough to do the really hard parts of parenting.

Very well written piece, and I agree with many of your points, but let me offer a slightly different perspective: Although my mother was not as blind and indulgent as the parents you note in the article, I lived my entire youth hearing the words, 'I'm not your friend, I'm your mother.' There was always a distance affixed to our relationship, a boundary that could not breached. I think I was raised well, and am proud of whom I have become. But - my mother now wants us to be friends. She wants to see her adult daughters as peers, or allies, or buddies. And we're not. The distance, the space between 'mother' and 'friend,' remains vast. And I cannot bring myself to traverse it. I don't even want to.

There has to be a middle ground. I have two small daughters now. I won't say those words to them, ever. I'll act them, I'm sure, on appropriate occasion. But I'm not going to say the words that I know simply turn mother from friend to stranger.

Nicely written and so true. I stood in a Walmart with a similar scenario. It was hard to watch and listen to. I've also seen parents try to be cool parents by not providing any expectations or limits and that's hard too because kids know we care and that they are worth caring about when we provide expectations and feedback.

I think you make some great points about parenting. I don't always agree with the way other parents handle situations with their kids, but I respect them for making the effort. Both situations described above, no effort was being made. I've seen that a lot, both publicly and privately.

People are pretty consistent. It isn't too hard to tell if a parent is involved, even if, as Jenna describes, they aren't addressing it publicly. There will still be looks, quiet reminders, an effort to leave quickly. The parent's body language conveys clearly if they are not happy with the behavior of their children and intend to do something, even if you don't see the follow-up.

While I agree that parents need to be parents first, friends later, I'd like to make a point.

I teach my kids a lot about respect. Our last discussion on the matter was yesterday.

AT HOME.

Sometimes my four- and six-year-old sons can be... not so awesome... in public. Quite often it's in the check out line. I try not to shop with them in general, but when I do, I can assure you, fellow shopper, that I am just trying to get out of the store as quickly as possible. They'll touch everything. They'll ask for stuff, even though we have repeat discussions about NOT touching and asking for stuff. They'll whine. They'll ask to touch buttons on the card swiper. They'll annoy the POOP out of you, fellow customer. Because they're annoying the shit out of me. But my main concern won't be how much they are annoying you at that moment. My main concern will be getting out of the store, getting us into the car and launching into a discussion about what they did, why it was wrong and why it needs to stop happening.

I don't do it in public. When I DO feel the need to do it in public, I get looks. I get chastised. I have been approached and told to just let my kids be kids.

None of the approaches is right -- yours, mine or the people telling me what to do in public. I should be free to tell my kids to stop in public, but I'm not. I should also be free to wait until I get to the card before telling my children that they have lost all digital privileges for the day -- which will cause them to break down and cry LOUDLY -- but I'm not. Every choice I make in parenting is wrong.

But at least I know that. I'm doing it wrong and I accept it. It is what it is. If I need to parent in public to annoy you less, please just trust my judgment. Okay?