How does our blog relate to our self image? And does our self-image reflect on our blog?

I recently attended an informal event with other bloggers. But really, is there such a thing as "an informal event", when you are as nervous as I was about meeting other local bloggers? I'm not shy, by any means, nor am I uncomfortable in social situations. Quite the opposite, actually: I am what most people expect Italians to be: chatty, friendly, extremely social. I do, however, have a secret, one I don't discuss on the blogosphere: I'm fat. What would have otherwise been a mild post-partum thyroid condition was worsened by a move overseas and a very stressful post-move first year, and my body rebelled. My tendedncy to yo-yo diet and the the fact that living in the suburbs killed my habit to walk everywhere... well, they didn't help. The result: a whopping 70 pounds overweight - on a 5'6'' frame.

It's not that I think that overweight equals unattractive - on the contrary, I can appreciate the beauty in a woman with curves. And I know that there are some really beautiful plus-sized women. Unfortunately, I am not one of them. (And yes, I do believe that beauty is not just skin-(or fat-)deep - but let's save that for another day).

I love blogging. I don't feel like I need to lie or fake anything, I can just be myself. And yet, sometimes I cannot help but feel like a bit of a fraud. I know that most people assume, because of the gorgeous heels on my header and the fact that my blog is a sort of mommy blog-meets-fashion blog hybrid, that I must be good looking and always fashionably dressed. Which is partially true. I am often fashionably dressed. Unfortunately the other part of the assumption is dead wrong. Which is why, though I love meeting new people and socializing, the thought of meeting bloggers in real life scares me a bit. More than a bit, actually.

The event I mentioned above was really really fun. As it usually happens, I was able to relax and not let my self-image spoil my fun.

Until I saw pictures. Or rather, saw myself in pictures. And Then I found myself rewinding to specific "scenes" and looking at them with an additional bit of info: I was fat in that scene. Which is what explained, in my mind, the cold demeanor I received from a couple of people. Especially one, who seemed so friendly and open and lovely with everyone, whom I finally decided to approach, because we hadn't managed to introduce ourselves. "Hi! You are [insert blogger's handle here], right?" "Yes" she said with a smile, without stopping what she was doing "Hi, who are you?" I introduced myself, told her the name of my blog. "Oh" she said, nodding - then she smiled and stepped away, going right back what she was doing, leaving me there standing, wondering what had just happened.

I'm a fairly new blogger and not one of the well-known ones, so I didn't expect her to recognize my blog's name. I did, however, expect her to at least do maybe a little small talk or something. I definitely didn't expect that she would leave me standing there, making it painfully obvious how uninterested she was in me. 

I have to be honest, at the time  just though "oh, so that's what they were talking about, the cliquey bloggers who only hang out with other well-known bloggers". I shrugged it off. Then later, looking at it with the additional consideration that, hello, I am fat, and everyone could see that there, I thought "I probably just gave a bad first impression."So it was actually my fault if she was kind of rude.

A bad first impression. That's bad. You know what's worse? A bad second impression, a let-down, a disappointment. As bloggers, our profiles, our blog posts, our tweets are the first impression. Based on that, people form an idea of who we are, what we are like. And then they meet us in person. Which is the second impression. And if that's a let down, well, that's what's worse.

So now I am kind of dreading BlogHer -but not  enough not to go, because I'm still more excited about meeting everyone. But kind of dreading them meeting ME. The fat me. I know what you are thinking, shallow much? But I just cannot recognize myself at this weight. And I'm afraid that neither will they. I'm afraid that I'll leave behind a stream of bad second impressions.

Hmmmm. Yes, I am neurotic. That side of me I did share on my blog.