As a social worker that writes adoptive home studies, I try to stress the importance of attachment and bonding with my families and determine if they are open, ready, and prepared to bring a child into their home that may have high needs.  We've had to turn some families away because they were not.

My hope in this situation is that the child will ultimately be better off in a home that can provide those things to him. 

Holly (aka the Urbanadventurer)

http://urbanadventurertales.wordpress.com

Jenna - Amazing job with this post. I hope more energy can be focused on adoption reform and screening - and less on judging another's decisions from afar. My heart goes out everyone involved in this case.

Caroline

http://www.morningsidemom.com/

Thank you for the essay from your important point of view as a birth mother. 

My issue with the Tedaldi story is that, at least as it's written, it doesn't seem like the parents tried very hard to promote attachment and bonding.  15 months or so, as I recall from the piece, isn't enough.  If a child has attachment issues (or maybe he didn't and it was the family?), it's something that can take years or a lifetime to work on.  In our family, we have worked for years on attachment related issues with our now nine-year-ol daughter who we adopted at the age of 12 months -- and hers are relatively moderate on the RAD spectrum, and we work each and every day on to reinforce the progress we've made.

I fear that Tedaldi's portrayal will suggest to families considering adoption that if there is not attachment and bonding on a certain schedule that it's not going to happen and, perhaps worse, that if the going gets rough it's OK to call it quits.

PunditMom

aka Joanne Bamberger

BlogHer News & Politics Contributing Editor

I am an adopted child. My birth mother...never met her...know very very little of her. What I do know is that I was adopted by a loving, patient woman who wanted children of her own so much that it ached.  I can tell you I was adopted as an infant.  Somewhere around the six week mark or so.  I can also tell you that I was not a 'bonding' type child.  I'm not quite sure I ever did. I was fussy, and had colic like the worst of 'em, even as an infant didn't want to be hugged or touched or loved on. I was a hard child. I don't know how she did it. But I know one thing...she never gave up. By two years I think I would have been disgusted with my own self...but she...never gave up.  i wasn't mistreated.  I wasn't unloved.  Even though I didn't bond she did. And that's all that was needed.  I believe even if neither of us would have bonded she still would have loved me. She chose me. She would have done it.

Did I ever bond with her? I don't think so. Not fully. I will never really know. She passed when I was 15. So I don't get to hear the stories of how I was or why she stayed and hung in there.  I loved her. She was my mom. Luckily for her she adopted a baby boy three years later and he...he was loving. And bonding. Took the heat off of me. :-)

I have two children of my own. My flesh and blood. And bonding with my oldest was difficult. She was much like me as a child. No touching, no loving, no bonding. I was young and on my way to medical school. So in addition to not bonding I was resentful. (Don't worry it faded and we are all bonded and happy!!) Even as I entertained the idea of giving her up I didn't. And even at her two year mark, and three year mark...even after that long of not bonding...I wouldn't have given her up. Or away. She was mine.  I chose her. It was my responsibility to be a mother.

Bonding?? Really? That can come eventually.

And I believe sometimes it may take a lifetime.

_________________________________________

Loco YaYa's Snafud World @ locoyaya.blogspot.com

I don't think there are any heroes or monsters in this story, just human beings with human flaws.

I haven't read everything there is to read about this case, but I don't believe that Ms. Tedaldi went through the adoption process consciously ignoring whatever warnings she received of how difficult the adjustment period might be.  But I know what it is to envision a good outcome to an uncertain situation in spite of myself, and I know what it is to taken on a responsibility and then realize that you aren't up to it.  Again, I don't know the whole story and I don't know if anyone who wasn't directly involved in it does, so I'm not going to assume this woman's attitude was "This isn't working out for me, so goodbye" when it could just as easily have been "I thought I was strong enough to raise this id, but I'm not, and rather than hoping I become the mother he needs, the best thing is to let him go so he can find someone who can take care of him the way he deserves."

Hindsight is always 20/20, so it's easy for us to look back and say "Why didn't the first agency realize that this woman couldn't handle a special needs child?"  Maybe they didn't do everything they could.  Maybe there was something they could have checked or asked that would have revealed that this woman was not going to be a suitable mother for this kid.  But maybe they really did do everything they could and there was no way to know how it would all turn out.  You can spend weeks or months preparing someone to be a parent of any kind of child, but you can never ensure that they will internalize it.

Nearly everyone who is familiar with the adoption process in the country says it needs reform and I am not going to argue with that.  But circumstances being what they are, I can imagine how hard it must be to try to ensure that every child in your care finds a good home while also knowing that no home can be perfect and that there are not enough good loving families out there for every child waiting for adoption.  I can also imagine the difficulty of trying to decide whether you should be helping a mother get through what may just be a rough patch with her adopted child or getting the kid out of that placement and into a better home before the current situation gets worse.

It is upsetting that this happened at all and that a child may have suffered needlessly because of it.  I am not saying that any of these people are blameless. but their actions do not make them horrible people either. 

Sara

www.inkandpixelclub.com

You know I have only experience from the handfuls of friends I have whho have adopted. I agree with all of the points made in the article and the comments. Bonding is hard, adopting have rewards and trials, perservering is a life long deal. But I agree most with the adopted girl's comment about the possibility of never bonding and that it should be okay. I was raised by my birth mom, she loaded love on me and I was not the bonding type, I do not love any less. Reform is needed,but I'm glad she gave him up rather than be mean later or neglect him someday.

I read all this talk about bonding.

My children are via traditional surrogacy.  We and our former surrogate set out to help me, a totally barren woman who has lost three children, two of my own and one adoptive son at birth... create a family.  We succeeded and have twins.  My DH is the boys' biofather.

Our former surrogate is their biomom.  She has seen them a few times since their birth.  Did I notice them when she was with them, suddenly attaching themselves to her?  No.  They acted towards her like they acted towards all the loved ones in my life.  Caring and good little men.  Adorable.  Loving.

Did they sense or "know" she is their biomom?  I don't know because I wasn't in their heads or bodies to know. 

All I know is this.  I am mama, and will always be.  She is their biomom.  She loves them, I am sure.  But I am in the trenches every single day, patiently teaching them about life, love, caring, honesty, commitment, manners, pouring love into them and I see the results of that love.

I am not remotely related to these children yet I would lay down my life for them.  And worry for them just as if I had carried them in my body.  I look at them and I know our former surrogate and her kids well enough to see familiarity, in both body and personality.  Does that make me any less bonded to these kids?  No way.  Because of the love I feel, and felt, towards her and her family, I would never look at these kids in any manner other than, adoration and love, on every front.

Even when they are in the throes of the terrible twos and being a little on the defiant side... I respond with love and patience.  There is nothing else I can do, because they are developing as all children develop and to lose patience is to basically teach them that they should not be allowed to develop normally.  I can guide them as best I can... and do...

All I can say is, there is all this talk about adoption and bonding but I can tell you as a mother via traditional surrogacy, one who shares zero DNA with these kids... they worship me.  Maybe down the road they will have angst, who can tell?  All I can do is treat them with dignity and respect and teach them about their biomom and half sibs with nothing but dignity and respect.  And hope that they will be ok.

Humans always have "something to work on".  Identity issues can happen even with both parents being bioparents..  Bonding?  I never bonded with my biofather.  When my mother told me she was divorcing him I said "what took you so long".  My sibs worshipped him (god alone only knows why, he was basically a "sperm donor" and threw my mother to the wolves after my sister was born mentally and physically handicapped from birth trauma 2 years after us). 

So I say, bonding?  Do what you can and then, the psyche of the child and the psyche of the adult(s) raising that child/ren take over.  Just do what you can, because in human beings, with such complex brains and ways that identity forms and the psyche rules over the body... it's always something.

And yeah, my kids show me every day that they are fully and wholly bonded to me.  Kissing me and hugging me, loving on me without me pushing them.  Both of them.  One more reserved than the other, yet, still, loves me in his way and time.  I love both of them equally.  As a twin, I am very aware of how to meet their twin needs.  Equally yet separate as they have separate personalities and identities.   Even though I am not remotely their biomom I feel no sense of loss in them at all.  They wake with glee every morning (I am serious, because I make waking like a party to start the day off right) and straight into my arms and snuggling.

That's bonding enough for me, even without the kisses and the "wuv woo".  My DH gets the same reception yet they carry his DNA.

Perspective....

Half of a Duo, Raising a Duo

http://micrimas.blogspot.com

I have not touched this story because I have absolutely no idea what to say.

I wonder if there is something between the lines we're not hearing.  If so, then it is quite possible it's a "big" something, and they are protecting the child.

Yet, I'm not getting a hint of that.  I'm a mom of two children who are now attaching, but speak love with a MAJOR accent.  We've had them a year and a half (they are now 13 and 10).  It has been the hardest thing I've ever done.  Ever.  And the poor kids - they're stuck with me.  Can't get rid of me.  No matter how hard they try.  I nauseate them with my love.

I know in these cases that many times not everything is made public.  Sometimes the story is glossed over for the sake of the child's privacy and future. 

But again, I'm not getting that vibe.

Which leaves me with lots of thoughts and opinions.

Best kept to myself, at this point.

Ta-ta.  Gotta' run see who has peed in anger this week, or scratched paint off the wall.

Christine

www.welcometomybrain.net

As an adoptive parent, it's difficult to attach to a child who doesn't want to attach to you but like others have said, 15 months is a short time to judge. If I had to make a decision on how HARD it was? I might have thrown in the towel too at that point. But I loved him fiercly. Still do and he is doing so much better now that we have gotten him more help and given him more time.

Love doesn't heal everything and it takes a lot longer than people think for kids to adapt, bond, and attach. As much as people say they are resilient when they come to us with issues they are usually big ones that really stick around.

Pickel

http://growninmyheart.com