Bitterness is not Becoming

It's been a while since I've posted. It's our busy season here at the office, as we prepare our client's for their year ends and taxes. Last night I was in the office 'till 7:30pm. And I've got nothin' on my boss lady or her right hand.

I struggle with depressiong. Recently, I've discovered that it started at the same time a young family friend died (at age 5), and that it coincided with the start of Yasmine ( a birth control) that I started the same year. That was 8th grade, so 2003-2004. I started the birth control to deal with my crazy acne, and my super long, painful, heavy menstrual cycles. My nurse only just this year decided to tell me about how important it is to take B vitamins on my birth control, since it severely depletes it from my body. It's amazing how much better I feel when I take the vitamins. Still, it is a two-prong issue, and that deals with but one side of the issue.

The funny thing about depression, is that it can just hit you out of the blue, BAM, you feel like shit. I have not yet discovered the "triggers" that set off the depression, or at least all of them, but I'm working on it.

Lately my main struggle with life is being bitter, and jealous. I don't think the issue is so much  WHAT I'm bitter or jealous about, but more the fact that I have such a hard time controlling this. I'm 21 years old, living at my parents house, with one baby given up, and another taken away (both deceased), no money, no savings, and no courage.  I feel I am a genuinely good person. I know that God's purpose for me is love. I am to give my love unto others, unconditionally. But in doing that, I get walked over a lot. Still, I take the downfalls, and continue to put myself out there. I firmly believe this is my purpose in life, and I know that my struggle are God's way of teaching me the lessons I am to learn in my precious time here on Earth.

Every where I look, friends, enemies, aquaintances, are getting married and/or having babies, two things I desire most in the world. I want to be happy for my friends, and aquaintances, but I will not pretend to be happy for my enemies. I do not understand how they can do so much wrong and hurt in the world, and still be more blessed in these ways than I am. I am bitter and cold. I know the Good Lord has his plan for me, and I must be patient, but it is so hard some times. I know I should wish even my enemies the best of luck in their love and endevours, but I cannot let go of the pain. How can my enemy get lucky enough to keep her man and have a beautiful baby, and so many people support her, when just last month my very good friend, who does her best always, tried for two years to get pregnant, who is already married, etc, just lost her beautiful son an hour after he was born?

I do not understand your plan Lord, I do not understand. Bust I trust you and your ways, and know that you will do what's best for me. I only ask for courage to stand up against my fears, to stand up for others, faith to believe in your plan, strength to get through the hurdles you throw at me, and a little piece of mind.


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