Blah, Blah, Blah

There's two sides to every story...This is mine

There was a time in my life I wasn't so open and honest. In fact during my marriage I kept incidents of emotional abuse secret from family and friends.

I didn't want to admit my marriage was a scam and even when I was confronted by a psychologist I was seeing and she mentioned "have you ever thought of getting a divorce" I was pissed and never went back to see her again.

Once I finally admitted to myself that this wasn't for me I left the marriage with my voice and a comment from my husband that stayed with me "who is going to believe you left me". I was overweight and miserable at the time and his words added to my excess baggage.

In the last ten years since I left I have spewed out good and bad comments in an effort never to go back to that place where I felt trapped. I became an open book sharing the good, the bad and the ugly with anyone who wanted to listen.

Last week I spoke of feminine grace which I put into practice and I must say it really works, I feel calm and unscathed by relationship issues which I must say is a great relief.

Now I am ready to deal with emotional abuse. It is time to tackle the blah, blah, blah head on.

It's not easy to regain confidence but I am choosing to stop the emotional abuse I am inflicting on myself...you know those repetitive messages in your head that sound like this: you're no good, you're stupid, you're ugly. That is a buildup of accumulated hurt from past relationships, friendships and family dynamics it can even stem from co-workers or bosses. The problem is that they are not saying it anymore but you are.

So how do you stop it? I am changing the message in my head. Since last week I am destroying the never-ending tape and creating a more positive message.

As I walk down the hall at work, clean the house or exercise I am saying the following to myself. "You are gorgeous, smart and soooo worth it".

It might sound juvenile but it seems to be working. I am not focusing on the negatives as much and I am practicing internal communication rather than speaking with anger, sadness or disappointment to others.

By no means am I closing the book to open and honest communication, no that won't happen. I love voicing my issues and finding ways to resolve them. It just means I am going to be more selective about who knows what. Basically I am rebuilding myself to the image I have not the one I created based on other people's feedback. I've talked about lashing out at others, drunk-texting and wearing my hurt on my sleeve and with this new found peacefulness I feel it is easier to deal with my own garbage.

Last week as I spoke with someone close to me I realized that by opening up so much I leave myself open to get judged and hurt and adding to my never-ending tape. I shared with my daughter issues I was having and to my surprise when the opportunity came along she threw them back my way, it made me very aware of how open I was leaving myself to get hurt.

My mission is to strengthen my resistance and practice self-confidence. When you leave yourself exposed or give the enemy ammunition you set yourself up for a sniper attack.

Verbal garbage is defined as someone's mouth running like diarrhea with useless crap. My verbal garbage is going to the curb and the environment I am setting up for myself will be guarded more securely.

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