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So now that A and I have been more or less living together almost full time for the past seven weeks, we’re starting to argue a bit. Not full-blown screaming fights (I hate drama), but moments of heated discussion, incidents of one person getting annoyed or exasperated or angry, situations where one or both of us didn’t actually communicate all that well. They’re not so much small disagreements, but moments where we see clearly how differently we think, and/or how differently we do things.
For me, this has been a powerful experience (and a scary one). At the same time that I am telling myself that the discussions about the disagreements we have are positive and show us how to communicate better with one another, I am also scared that A is going to decide I am either a) a complete bitch, or b) no fun at all and therefore either love me less or just run off.
And yet, at the same time, I am also convinced, despite my fears, that these arguments are valuable. Very valuable.
You see, the time I spend with A right now is a set of great experiences in the present, but it is also learning for the future. Right now, although we’re mostly living together, we each have our own spaces; if we take the step of getting a place together, they’ll be no other place to which to retreat. The arguments and disagreements we have now, uncomfortable as they are, give us a chance to smooth out some rough edges out before we taken an even bigger step and mesh our lives together.
So, you ask, what do we argue about--and what am I learning from these tussles?
1. We have different ways of discussing ideas
A’s an idea guy, smart & articulate; for him, discussing ideas and possibilities is as necessary as breathing. If thinking were competitive chess, he’d be a grand master of ideas. This means that A likes to talk things over in detail, brainstorm, and examine all the possibilities--unfortunately, what we’ve discovered is that this joyful exploration is something I sometimes don’t enjoy and actually shut right down.
You see, I’m both a writer and a former corporate person/executive type. The former means I like to let ideas rattle around in my brain and marinate before I share them; the latter means there are moments—not always, but sometimes, where my response to the opportunity to discuss an idea is a flat, “No, that won’t work,” or a less abrupt “I don’t care for that idea.” Together, these mean I’m not always as open and willing as A t has the more discursive “what if” conversations. I tend to take most discussions seriously and somewhat literally so A’s musings on what life would be like if I did X or built a product like Y often lead to tension on my part, not the cool, engaged discussion A hoped we’d have.
(Confession: Talking this one out with my sweetie has been kind of painful, because I didn’t like hearing truths like “You’re listening to this like I work for you and you’re supposed to answer yes or no,” and “When I try to talk to you about my ideas, and you’re so literal, it makes me feel shot down” as part of exploring why our talks turned tense as A veered into speculations about my life and/or my areas of “expertise”. On the other hand, hearing A share some feeling others have expressed before (ouch!) made me realize that I needed to be sensitive to this tendency in myself; if I want to have open discussion, I have to silence that impulse to be the “executive” and make quick decisions—it’s training that fits well on the job, but not well in my personal life.
The discussions we’ve had about our struggles around sharing ideas related to my work and my life have shown me ways I need to loosen up to be a better partner. I’ve also learned that if there’s something I don’t want to talk about, I just need to say so.
2. We have different approaches to time management and being on time
I manage my life with deadlines and schedules. I am a dedicated worshipper at The Church of Being On Time. When it comes to airline travel and work-related events, my promptness can veer from the eager to the fanatical. If someone else is in danger of making me even 30 minutes late, watch out! For A, on
