BusyLife's blog

Why I have not blogged...long story!

2007-11-05T14:07:14-06:00

Why have I not blogged for so long? Couple odf days after my last post I found out i was pregnant. My Mum was staying and she is one of these people who cannot let you do something without watching over you. Even though I am 37 years old, she has to watch me vacuum, cook, do my work online - it is tremendously irritating.

Then I did not want to tell anyone of the pregnancy until I got the all clear.

On Monday 2 weeks ago I lost some blood, I was 9 weeks pg. Went to the doctor, had a scan, no heartbeat detected.

Went back for another scan on the Thursday in case the first was a bad picture, same again.

I put the tag of healthcare on this because I want people in the USA to think about the wonderful free healthcare we have in the UK. TWO scans detecting a dead baby and I was not referred to the hospital.
I had an emergency scan on the Sunday after which was as I thought conclusive that the baby had died. By this time I had been a week knowing I had a dead baby inside me.

At least the sonographer and the assistant showed some compassion. They explained it all to me and let me have a picture of the scan.

I had to wait until Tuesday last week for an apointment to take a tablet to make the placenta detatch and start the miscarriage which should have started on its own.

Monday evening the pain started all by itself, and the bleeding, cramps and so on. Tuesday Morning I told my 7 year old son that I had a baby that died and the hospital had to help get it out. I had to tell him as I was in too much pain to help him get ready from school. He is very sensitive and would have known if I had not told him the truth.

So on Tuesday 30th October I paced around a room in a hospital waiting to see a doctor who got me to sign my consent for the tablet. They had no record of the stroke I had in 2001 ! A somewhat major medical incident!

Because the miscarriage had already started I went on to the second stage which was tablets inserted internally to open the cervix to enable the 'products of conception' out.

I was then sent to a room with its own bathroom and told to wait and see what happened. Not a lot, so more tablets 4 hours after. After the second lot of tablets I saw no doctor for 23 hours. DOes this happen if you have health insurance? I would not have thought so?
They did blood tests and did not tell me what for, left me to it, did not tel me what to expect.

Did not tell me that at 4am I would still be there, no nightclothes, miscarrying a purplish grey mottled lump which actually contained the baby. Nobody would tell me that this was 'finally it' Nurses came and took it away for 'lab tests' but nobody consoled me, no one asked if I was ok. I curled up on my bed and sobbed, alone. (of course my husband had to go home earlier to look after our other children - the nurses could not understand why he had to do that!!!)

That was it. Hopes for the future, the images I had in my mind of me nursing our baby, seeing the first steps, feeling its warmth on my skin, the first time the baby says 'daddy', all gone.

I felt totally out of it, near delirious as I never take pain relief, just do not need it, something else they did not believe that I gave birth to 2 of my kids with no drugs whatsoever.

I could not associate what was in that bowl with something from my body. I don't really properly remember, as they put it, 'passing the products of conception'. I did not want to let go. I know that is why things took so long. I had to stare out of the window into the night sky and say 'goodbye I have to let go you can go now' I bled nearly all I could before the baby came out. The baby not one of the professionals would call a baby.

One of the doctors the next day asked me what was upsetting me!

I have not grieved anywhere near enough because of my other children, one of whom I have to take to bed now! My kids are in a bit of a mess I think because I have always been supermum who copes with everything, fearless and invincible.

Not this time.

Oops again! Definitely a Busy LIfe!

2007-09-13T06:15:17-05:00

I am still settling into my new career of 'wife and mother' and not doing too badly.
Stil unsure what time of day is the best to blog as I have found - you can see - I missed a few days due to thinking 'I will do it when I can.
A strange mixture of problems but problems being solved, changes happening lately around here.
My daughter came to yoga with me for the first time yesterday, I felt so proud of her, she was so focussed. Proof to me that the teacher who sent her out for asking for more work has got my daughter so VERY wrong. She called to me and gave me a kiss before going into the yoga studio. I think she knows for sure that no matter what I have faith in her abilities.
I am getting more help for my son, and he is back on the special needs register at school.
My youngest I have to make sure I spend plenty of time with him, he is so clever too and got asked why he had not finishied his reading book. He is reading a novel. He is 6 years old.
I am kind of broke at the moment but I have been told that the child support agency is paying me a conciliatory payment. The right things keep on coming at the right time!
I had better tidy up a bit, the mantra 'this is my job' (wife and mother, homemaker) going around in my head. I am getting there! But for now I have to go to a medical appointment with my son.

Looking for someone you don't really want to find!

2007-09-09T15:40:37-05:00

Embarked afresh today on a search for my ex husband for legal stuff that needs tying up.
It is such a task, as I start to look there seem to be more loose ends not less. Numbers of people who are most likely to know where he is, if he is alive even, produce nothing but a dead tone when I ring them. I cannot report him as a missing person as I have not got significant cause for his welfare. He is possibly in another country, last time I knew where he was - vaguely - it was in the USA. I could have got details if I had enquired sooner. How are you supposed to know in advance that someone will become untraceable!
THis needs to get sorted out so I can get (hate the word) closure. On the road to closure (STILL hate that word) I sold the wedding ring, engagement and eternity (HA!) rings and used some of the money to buy a load of meat.

D day in 6 weeks!

2007-09-08T12:15:24-05:00

Had a BIG meeting yesterday with social services, mental health, school, all together. THey agree all is not well with my son, in as much as his behaviour falls outside the range of 'normal'. I feel relieved that I have been told they should have a diagnosis in 6 weeks time.
At least I will be able to tell people something when they are giving us funny looks when I have to hold him and talk to him, when he tries to run off or start kicking out when he panics.

Getting back to being me

2007-09-06T15:50:46-05:00

I have now been to two yoga classes in two days. This is helping me so much, I knew all along it is what I needed. The calmness of mind that I get through yoga doesn't come to me so easily when I am not practising yoga. I would rather this than be struggling, people suggesting that to cope with my son I need to see a counsellor or take antidepresants.
I have the energy to deal with his unusual ways, because I do something many people think is odd, yoga in a 110 fahrenheit room.
I have a meeting tomorrow, social services support meeting. The social worker suggested I write down things my son does, but it just looks all the more ridiculous if I do that.
He ties things up, puts things in lines, whole lines of piles of clothes, one set for each day, squawks, repeats words like an echo gradually fading away, or like an echo which rhymes rather than echoes. It is true I have been told he will find the world increasingly hard to fit into, increasingly scary and bewildering (maybe why he runs off - it is too scary to cope with) He is neat and tidy, been able to tie knots since about 2 years old, been climbing since 8 months old, on tables and chairs.
I will keep practising the 'scary yoga' going beyond my comfort zone, so I have the energy mentally and emotionally to help my son go beyond his comfort zone, and reassure his siblings that I am here for all of them.
It is true what a leap of faith it is to have children, as you do from the day of their birth have your heart living outside your body.

Yesterday

2007-09-06T04:58:16-05:00

I must really change the time of day when I blog!
Right, well yesterday started with lots of demands from the kids, I could barely MOVE without the cry of MUMMY! coming from somewhere. My youngest son got really irate about not knowing how much water to put in the bathtub, so in a moment of inspiration I gave him a ruler so he could measure it, and he was really happy. I thought this was very amusing, whilst my son felt reassured and cared for. A strong reminder that a child's view of the world is so very different to ours.

On a very different note, I had a fantastic surprise yesterday too. My husband had paid for yoga classes for me. He did not want to tell me because it was an anniversary and birthday present combined. He had to tell me because my old card had run out and he did not want me to go and buy a new one. When I got there I just signed in as usual, and put 'husband' as method of payment. How nice that is! The yoga teacher looked and saw that my husband had paid for 6 months, I was astounded. I am so happy still, and I am sure that because of this generous gift I tried harder, let my mind be strong and my body did mostly what I wanted it to do. Yep how mushy and cheesy, but it is so good to know I am loved so much.

Problem parents!

2007-09-04T16:08:32-05:00

My daughter, nearly 10 years old, got sent home from school today.

The problem at the root of it is her dad and I have completely different ideas about schooling, boundaries, rules and punishments.

He is not the one who has to fetch her or take the phonecalls when there is trouble.

I suppose it should be obvious that we are divorced!

I think difficult times are ahead!

Small things, BIG significance

2007-09-03T15:55:34-05:00

My son found my husband's minature digital camera which we thought was lost. It contained some photos of us on holiday in February, skiing, and also froma long time ago my daughter and myself doing water aerobics on a video clip. Plan to download pictures after every trip from now on!
My daughter just said to me when she went to bed 'Mummy why are you so nice' Well I told her that when I was little I wanted to hug my Mum and Dad so much that I wanted to squeeze them really tight. I hoped that when I had children they would feel the same, although thinking about it I cannot imagine anyone loving their parents as much as I loved mine (but of course they do) She said 'well Mummy that's just how I feel too'
This is amazing. What more could I want!

I don't even like football!

2007-09-02T15:56:31-05:00

I have noticed the difference since I decided I have to brainwash myself and that my job primarily is to cook, clean, organise the household for my family.
Funny effect of this is my son asked if I wanted to be a man so I could watch football (in case you are in the US I mean soccer!) instead!

Cash in the attic?

2007-09-01T16:04:11-05:00

...I sincerely hope so.
I have just put a collection of model buses on Ebay. They belonged to my ex husband! One of the many reasons he is an ex.
All this time and I have only just been able to get the buses out of the box and dust them off. I went through a stage of not wanting a single trace of him around which is pretty difficult in a big house with so many THINGS in it. It was different with the boys, I instinctively trained myself to think (and it is true anyhow) that they look like MY relatives and not a bit like him. Like the dust, he is gone.

Blissfully mundane!?

2007-08-31T16:21:01-05:00

All went according to plan today, which I suppose is not really mundane but actually a great achievement.
Managed to earn some money too from odd jobs here and there, fitted in my yoga class, so I feel I am back on track to being the me I want to be, and my kids are being the kids they should be!
The social worker who was supposed to see me yesterday re. my 7 year old son seemed a bit offish on the phone today. I have to wait til next Thursday to find out what I may have done to make her so apparently standoffish.

MY 'holiday' begins...

2007-08-30T16:13:29-05:00

First day back at school. The kids were so eager and organised this morning. They were all ready on time and all with no trouble! This is what I want!
My life as it should be started again today, that is how I am looking on it. I have been on 24 hour call out for 6 weeks, no wonder I am exhausted. I am giving myself a bit of a break and it is going to be good.
I have a list of things planned that I either need to do or want to do, but unlike before I am not going to feel rushed or harassed.
Children are so all encompassing that no wonder I began to feel I was disappearing. Time to clear away the fog and say (to myself more than anything else) HERE I AM!

Rollercoaster of a day

2007-08-29T16:41:21-05:00

SUch a peaceful morning, we had breakfasr, watched a bit of tv, the kids played together. I made donuts for the forst time ever. My daughter got lunch ready for everyone, and she ran some errands for her. In the afternoon she went out to play in the adventure playground nearby. SHe had earned a little extra freedom so to speak!

THis afternoon however, I am the worst mum in the world because she wanted to go out again and I do not understand her. My head still hurts because she accused me of not knowing anything about her even though she is 'the first child (I ) gave birth to' WHat a tirade to come out of such a young mouth.

After my yoga class this evening my daughter was home to greet me, she was allowed to wait up for me, all smiles again.

Motherhood - no turning back?

2007-08-28T16:04:32-05:00

A close friend announced that she is to leave her husband and 3 kids.
My initial reaction was shock and surprise, but would I have reacted the ame way if it had been the man? I suspect many of us have al least heard of this happening to a 'friend of a friend', but when a mother you know well leaves her family, it challenges your beliefs and feelings about motherhood, family life, everything.
She has been unwell for years. Depression. She said rather matter of fact that she decided her kids would be better off without her.
The circumstances of most MEN who leave families are very different to this. We need to challenge them. Bitter experience has shown men in my life and that of friends, making a mess first then sloping off afterwards, rather than pre-empting family crisis.
My initial shock has abated and I will do what I know I should, I am here for her to turn to. I am on the lookout for a flat for her to rent.
It is not always the best for the wellbeing of a mum and family to be together. How many of us have pondered this difficult thought.

The countdown begins!

2007-08-27T14:58:01-05:00

The boys have gone to bed at 'school night time' in preparation for Thursday which is the BIG day when they go back to school.
Except they do not all do so, little one with the broken arm has to go to the hospital, and my other son said 'it will not be like school because I have a different teacher'.
I am SO excited about them going back, I have had good days with them in the summer don't get me wrong, but I will at last be able to get the house in order and start the BIG de-clutter I am planning, redecorating, and LOTS of Bikram Yoga again to lift my mood.
The kids' holiday comes to an end and mine will begin!