Well, let me clarify that: It doesn't mean an end to camping for most people.
]]>Well, let me clarify that: It doesn't mean an end to camping for most people.
I am fully willing to own up to not being a Camping Person. Oh, I want to be a camping person, I do, but I'm not someone who grew up camping. And so when I married an experienced camper, my mind filled up with visions of all the fun family camping trips we would have together. It would be awesome! And magical! And no one told me that only people with air-conditioned tents go camping in Georgia in August. Ahem. So, uh, our first camping foray was not exactly a rousing success. I'm hopeful about the future, though.
Fortunately, there are lots of families across the 'net making family camping look good. Pay no attention to my complaining children....
Want to live vicariously through someone else's trip?
Looking for some camping perks?
Need some specific tips and suggestions to make it a successful trip with the kids?
As for me, I doubt I'll be making it out to a campsite this weekend. (Full disclosure: As I write this, is it 5:00 p.m. and 96 degrees outside here, so, um, I'll just hang out here in the air-conditioned house for now if it's all the same to you.) But I am inspired to get out there with the kids again... once the weather cools off a little!
BlogHer Contributing Editor Mir also blogs about issues parental and otherwise at Woulda Coulda Shoulda, and about the joys of mindful retail therapy at Want Not.
]]>On the heels of these encouraging statistics, then we hear the less-good news: First, we're told that more families are eating together; but then we're told that the percentage is on the decline. We hear that our kids are overscheduled and families are eating fast food on the run. The cost of healthy, whole foods is rising at an alarming rate.
So what's a family to do? The answer is the same as it is for nearly everything, of course: The best we can. Many families are actively working towards more family meals, with great results.
On the Dress Down Moms Blog, a tale is told about having all three kids around the table, now that the littlest one has graduated from her high chair:
It feels great to have everyone at the table. I love having family dinner time. I think it is so important. This gives us all a chance to discuss our day and also talk about things we want to do together. I like having that family bonding and I think that the open communication we have now will be beneficial as the Wee Ladies get older. I want them to feel comfortable talking about anything and everything with us.
Jodi at Mmm...that's good! interrupts the usual talk of recipes to ask (and then answer) "What's for Dinner?"
Your family, I hope.
What has happened to family dinner? I am shocked an amazed at the number of families who don't sit down for dinner together. Parents feed their kids on their own and then, if and when the adults have time, they grab something to eat later. This is wrong on so many levels.
Later -- while detailing her "rules" for creating good eaters -- she adds what I think is an interesting point:
**Kids need to see their parents eating good food, preferably with them, so they know the food is 'okay'.
And Kimberly of Bearing Much Fruit says her family loves to make dinnertime fun:
My children absolutely love taking turns creating a centerpiece for dinner time. We get everything from a candle light with pretty napkins and flowers, dolly's, dinosaur junction, or knights. Its always fun to see what we will have as a surprise to all. Another thing a family really enjoys is the question box. We have a small tin box that of questions that we type up and put in the box. Everything from what is your favorite Bible story and why, or what does being a friend mean, what is your favorite color and why, how can we be a blessing to others, and so on.
In the midst of many moms blogging about coming together for more meals, Crabmommy is unapologetically declaring her love for the adults-only dinner:
But even if we could eat as a family every night...the truth is we wouldn't want to. Not yet, at least. I know this because we eat dinner together on weekends sometimes, and when I have to get up from the table for the seventh time—in search of a moist cloth or to hurriedly rinse another fistful of cherry tomatoes—I look forward to the weekdays ahead, when I can park my butt in a chair for the duration of dinner, eat some seriously spicy food if I wish, and not have to reprimand anyone about using fingers as forks.
Personally, I've come to love our "usual" family dinners around the kitchen table, bickering and all. That's not to say that I don't enjoy our once-a-week dinner in front of the television, too (that does tend to be a lot quieter). It's all about figuring what works for your family, and building in those bonding times however works best for all of you.
How about it, BlogHers? Is your family dining together? Are you happy with the status quo or hoping for change?
BlogHer Contributing Editor Mir also blogs about issues parental and otherwise at Woulda Coulda Shoulda, and about the joys of mindful retail therapy at Want Not.
]]>I'm the woman who wants to hear -- in detail -- everything you remember about the day you gave birth to your son or when your daughter's foster mother placed her in your arms for the first time. These stories make me happy. These stories make me hopeful that the human race really is worth saving, despite our stupidity about so many things.
Call me sentimental, call me a fool, but I believe there's no greater testament to the human capacity to love than stories of how our children came to us and what we felt when they did.
Understand that I'm talking about the happy and truthful stories, here. I'm not talking about the woman who wants to tell you how she was in labor with Junior for 58 hours and started hallucinating flying monkeys right before they sliced her chin-to-crotch to extract her 15-pound offspring, or the tired old just adopt and then you'll get pregnant tale, either. Good stories.
So. You can understand, then, that I was filled with delight to see that Formula Fed and Flexible Parenting has issued a call for posts to be included in a "Happy Birth Days Carnival," set to run June 21st - 27th. Author Alex Elliot says:
I'm encouraging anyone who wants to participate to share your birth day stories. It can be for any child. It can be a birth or it can be an adoption. It can be the birth of your grandchildren, your nieces, or your nephews. It's up to you. Our stories are all different. Some are sheer happiness, some are pain and happiness, some are funny and some are sad. We all have stories though.
Here's how it works. On June 21 I will put up my birth day post and I'll include a Mr. Linky at the bottom of it. The carnival will be open for a full week. At the end of the week, I will use random.org to draw two gift certificates for $10 each to your choice of Dunkin Donuts or Starbucks. You can mentally picture yourself enjoying a cup of coffee and a good pastry on me while all of us in the blogosphere are sitting on virtual couches in a coffee shop reflecting on the birth story that you've shared. Please email me if you are considering participating and would like the code for the button.
I think the enticement of possible gift certificates is somewhat superfluous, myself. Most moms I know are only too happy to cater to a willing audience when it comes to recounting the details of those memorable days. Why, my daughter will happily tell you -- with great glee, of course, because I am not a fast food kind of person -- that after the hospital declared me to be "not really in active labor" and sent me home, her father tried to quell my tears by driving through Burger King and getting me some french toast sticks. (Yes, I ate them. We went home and I got into bed, and about five minutes later my water broke. Good times.)
I marked the carnival on my calendar, then did a bit of poking around on the web for some tales to warm me up for the main event.
20 Years of Birth Stories is a collection of stories by a midwife who's seen all sort of births. Poignant tales, here, many with pictures included (not for the squeamish).
The Dream Continues... is pondering the differences in her two daughters' adoption stories, and what that might mean to them as they grow up.
The Shetty's Adoption Story chronicles their journey to India for their son Ajay, and I dare you to read that entry without grinning ear to ear.
And finally, I have to share this excerpt from Creative Homeschooling is... Thinking Out-of-the-Box!'s "About Me" page, because I just love how it's stuck in there all matter-of-fact:
I have the most unusual birth stories of anyone I know. Child #1 was born at home with a midwife. Child #2 delivered in the Alaskan wilderness with my husband as the midwife…yes, it was planned (long story). Child #3 was born at the Luxor Hotel on the Las Vegas Strip (middle name is “Luxor” as we didn’t have one picked out and it seemed fitting). Child #4 born at the Stratosphere Hotel on the Las Vegas Strip (no, her middle name is not Stratosphere).
(I sure do hope she contributes those stories to the carnival!)
I'll be looking forward to June 21st for more great tales.
BlogHer Contributing Editor Mir also blogs about issues parental and otherwise at Woulda Coulda Shoulda and the joys of mindful retail therapy at Want Not.
]]>Zac's story is receiving a lot of media attention, which is really no surprise. For one thing, he's just 16. For another, he's homeschooled, which mainstream media often will grab as an excuse to condemn anything outside of the norm (you know, because those homeschoolers are weird). And lest you're unclear as to what's involved in this undertaking, his trip is projected to take over a year. By himself.
The shocking part (to me, anyway) is that so far the coverage I've seen has been overwhelmingly positive.
CNN's Nicole Lapin has already tagged him as one of her Young People Who Rock, summarizing his plans thusly:
Zac wants to set a record for being the youngest person to sail around the world solo, and he hopes to complete the journey before he turns 18. He grew up sailing and is about to set off on a well-researched trip that will take him to Micronesia; Cape Town, South Africa; and through the Panama Canal in a boat he fixed up with his dad.
Throughout his journey, Zac will be blogging. Aside from his dad meeting him at strategic locations along the way, Zac will be alone. He will have a gallon of teriyaki sauce he’s already bought in anticipation of catching his meals, along with malaria drugs, a gurney-like bed and, after it’s all over, he hopes, a record.
(Lapin will be doing an interview with Zac this Friday on CNN.com, if you want to tune in for that.)
Over at Independent Scholar, fasterthanlight gives the Sunderlands a nod in passing:
Zac Sunderland wants to be the youngest person to sail around the world. Wow. Talk about your goals. And kudos to his parents, for supporting his dream.
Here I have to pause to note that I fancy myself the sort of parent who does and will support my children's dreams. But am I the sort of parent who would support the dream that necessitates a year+ long solo journey...? I can't say for sure, of course, but I think I'm not.
That doesn't mean I'm right and the Sunderlands are wrong, of course. Or vice versa. I believe in making individual decisions based on individual kids, and from everything I've seen and read, Zac Sunderland is a very mature young man. But still. I don't know that I could say yes. (I guess it's a good thing that I'm not his mom, then, huh?)
April at Question the Culture uses Zac as part of a discussion about so-called risky behavior:
In the NPR interview, the reporter asked his mom, "Are you crazy?" Because really, what sane mother would allow her 16 year old boy to sail around the world by himself. She must be off her rocker.
I suggest she's probably more sane than most people in our fear based culture. (Really, you can lo-jack your own kid. This is sane?)
It seems to me that we are so busy protecting our children from all sorts of risks that we forget that taking risks is necessary for growth and development. One of the results of our societies invention of adolescence is that we have shut off the outlets for exploration and risk to a population that naturally likes to explore and take risks. Instead of encouraging young men and women to make their way in the world with all the energy and passion available to them, we put barriers in their way, including child labor laws and compulsory education laws. We tell them their too young to do anything but "plan and prepare" for the rest of their lives.
[...]
We should encourage risks that build character, teach them about themselves and their world, open new opportunities and new horizons. For example, a sixteen year old sails around the world trying to become the youngest person ever to circumnavigate the globe solo is taking a big risk. But it also has big rewards.
Barbara McRae at Compass Life Designs also speaks of Zac's undertaking couched in the language of calculated risks:
Recently, a reporter asked me about the risk 16-year-old Zac Sunderland is taking as he sails solo around the world. To most parents letting your teen embark on such an adventure is an unbelievably foolish risk. But is it really?
When calculating risk, it’s important to take individual differences into account. In Zac’s case, he is fulfilling his childhood dream. He’s been sailing all his life under his father, an experienced shipwright and yachtsman! Zac has been training for this opportunity his entire life. Zac’s ready to live his dream! It isn’t silly, it’s a calculated risk.
[...]
Life is about taking risks. Taking calculated riskis how teens learn and grow. I don’t know about you, but I’m rooting for Zac as he attempts to beat the current world record.
I see -- and to an extent, agree with -- what these women are saying about allowing our children to take thoughtful, reasonable risks. I do. Still -- over a year at sea, alone? That's not just the risk involved in navigating the voyage, that's a (formative) year of development in solitude. Sure, he'll meet people along the way (and his father will be meeting him at certain points, as well) and he has email and a cell phone, but... I don't know.
In the end, I wish Zac all the best with his journey. But a small part of me can't decide whether I'm angry with or impressed by his mother's peaceful attitude about the whole thing.
BlogHer Contributing Editor Mir also blogs about issues parental and otherwise at Woulda Coulda Shoulda and the joys of mindful retail therapy at Want Not.
]]>"(She) took him and stood him in front of his classmates this week, asked every single child to tell Alex why we don't like him... in his words, tell Alex why we hate him," she explains.
After having each child ridicule the boy, she says the teacher continued belittling him.
"Then they had a vote on if he deserved to stay in the class or not," says Barton.
Like a twisted reality show, Barton says in a 14-2 vote, his classmates voted the five-year-old out of the classroom.
"I never thought she would subject my child to such mental abuse," says Barton.
As a mother, my heart broke and my blood boiled as I read this story. And let me be absolutely clear on my personal biases, here, too: I have two children, one of whom is categorized as having special needs, yes. Naturally, I sympathize with the Bartons. On the other hand, I have watched both of my children deal with difficult, disruptive students in their classes over the years, and yes, I have sometimes wished those kids weren't part of the class, because it would make things easier for my own kids. I'm not proud of this sentiment; I'm just being honest. However, even in cases where my own child was being bullied or attacked, I cannot imagine a situation in which it is appropriate to allow a class to vote on a classmate's presence. I've come at it from every angle I can think to take, and I'm sorry, but I can't find it.
Call it child abuse, call it poor judgment -- call it whatever you like -- but I'm calling it the only way I know how: Inappropriate, cruel, and 100% unacceptable. And yet, Wendy Portillo has not been suspended or fired. (There is currently an investigation pending.)
The blog buzz has been fast and furious, the last few days, and no wonder.
Marla Baltes -- herself a mom to an autistic child -- begs her readers to view this as a cautionary tale:
It is indeed despicable. And yet, to me it is not surprising. The only thing in this story that surprises me is that the teacher managed to do something where she was caught. A side note here is that we must remember that an investigation will be done. Even though it seems hard to believe that there are two sides to this...there are always two sides.
I am in no way saying that what Wendy did was acceptable. And yet, I have a feeling there is more to this story.
[..]
We are all kidding ourselves if we think incidents like the one with this little Autistic boy are few and far between. This is just one story that happened to make it to the news. One parent that spoke out. Many do not. Many are afraid too and some just don't care.
So, what I am saying here is this. Don't assume that everything is going just great at your child's school because you have just signed off on the most perfect IEP you have ever had the joy of working on. Don't assume that your child will tell you when a teacher hurts him or her. Don't assume that your child has the ability to describe or understand what 'wrong' has been done against him or her in school.
Miss Liz at Simply Stating the Obvious recalls an earlier news story out of Port St. Lucie where a teacher was fired for "unbecoming conduct" in connection with working on a charter boat in a bikini:
A high school teacher can pose in a bikini on some patio furniture and receive a harsh penalty (with which I completely agree), yet a kindergarten teacher can subject her students to taunting and shunning and retain her job? Now Alex is terrified to go to school and has had some emotional setbacks. For what? And what is going on in Port St. Lucie that they’re having these kinds of problems with their school personnel?
Bev at Asperger Square 8 first put out a call to her readers to Support Alex Barton, detailing the case and giving contact information for the relevant administrators in Port St. Lucie. In that post, she said:
Let me be clear: I don't care whether or not Alex is assigned a diagnostic label. I don't care what he did to be classified as "disgusting." The behavior of this teacher is reprehensible. She has not disputed the allegation, but according to Port St. Lucie spokeswoman Michelle Steele, has confirmed that the incident did take place.
Please help ensure that proper disciplinary action is taken. People with differences of all sorts deal with bullying from peers every day. It is no secret to many of us that teachers and others in authority can be bullies, too. But when the bullying is directed and produced by a so-called educator, surely this must cross a line visible to all. Please take a stand against this abuse. If you have a blog, please write a little something in support of Alex Barton. Maybe he isn't special. He shouldn't have to be. He's a five year old boy, a human being, worthy of respect.
While Bev's outrage is clear, I can find nothing in this post that suggests anything other than speaking out against the atrocity committed, here.
Unfortunately, her post incited some responses she hadn't anticipated, prompting her to follow up with a post about why she would now be closing comments on these posts:
I have begun to consider that Ms. Portillo is perhaps a person who found herself in a job she was not suited for, without the proper training, someone who never should have been in the teaching profession. The problems which led up to the events in Port St. Lucie are systemic, and will need to be addressed at that level.
Around the web, you can find comments stating that she did the right thing, that children must be made to behave through any means available. You will also find people saying she should be harmed emotionally and/or physically for her crime. I've heard that she is undeserving of life. This is not acceptable to me.
I have made terrible mistakes in my life. I have harmed people. I have done my best to make amends for those wrongs and not to repeat the hurtful actions. I know that if my worst moments were shown to the world, were discussed on numerous sites, some with nearly a thousand comments now, I would not want to continue living. Yet I believe in redemption (not in a passive sense, but through hard work toward change) and I hope that others, including Portillo, do too.
When people start coming to my blog and talking about revenge and sending people to hell, it is time to take a break.
And finally, my hat is off to Mary at A Room of Mama's Own for similar compassion and clear-headedness in the midst of a tragic situation. She says:
I salute the two children who voted to keep Alex in the class. It takes incredible courage to stand up in the face of an overwhelming majority and say that you simply don't agree. (Courage I don't even have as an adult most times.) I ache for Alex, who at 5, can't possible understand why someone who was supposed to care for him would want to hurt him like this. (Frankly, at almost 40, I don't either.) I ache for the classmates who were taught that bullying and shaming others is acceptable behavior. And I ache for Alex's family -- especially (as a mama) Alex's mother -- who have to witness his pain in the wake of this event. What mama is not going to cry to hear her baby say over and over again, in that nightmarish perseveration, "I'm not special. I'm not special. I'm not special."
But I'm also trying to feel compassion for the teacher and the school district, because it is one of my most deeply held beliefs that hatred, however just or righteous it may seem, is toxic. And genuine compassion, however hard to muster, is healing. I know how difficult it is to be a teacher and an administrator, because I've done both jobs. I also know how frustrating it can be to balance the needs of an autistic child with the needs of neurotypical children and adults, because I live that every day. And I know that using shame as a teaching technique is a learned behavior, so someone, somewhere taught Wendy Portillo to use this tool the way she taught her students. And that's a terrible thing.
(Mary also has a round-up of other posts on this issue at the end of her post, if you'd like to read more from others.)
I agree with most of what I've read; as unacceptable as this scenario is, I feel a small pang of sympathy for the teacher, as well. What must be going on inside a person for her to arrive at a place where putting a troubled 5-year-old to a peer vote seemed like a good idea?
As to whether or not Wendy Portillo should lose her job... well, I leave that decision to her superiors. But as a mother, as a human being, my question is this: Where is the apology? Where is the publicly issued statement from Wendy Portillo, apologizing to Alex Barton's family, and the families of the other children in that class?
Everyone makes mistakes. People who are sorry apologize for them. Nothing will undo the trauma that a small boy was forced to endure, here. But I'd have a lot more respect for Ms. Portillo if she faced the music and expressed some remorse.
BlogHer Contributing Editor Mir also blogs at Woulda Coulda Shoulda and Want Not.
]]>Never mind the free lunch. Almost nothing is complimentary on airlines anymore, not even what many passengers consider a simple necessity: a single checked bag.
Under a plan announced Wednesday by American Airlines, passengers already forced to pay extra for amenities like earphones, meals and even snacks will have to pay $15 to check a basic piece of baggage.
Some other carriers are already charging for extra legroom in exit rows. What's next?
"Pay toilets in the coach cabin maybe," joked longtime airline consultant Mike Boyd.
But airline executives aren't laughing, and other carriers refused to rule out similar fees to stow luggage in the cargo hold.
While no one wants to be saddled with these additional travel fees, obviously, it may be families who find themselves the hardest hit. It's $15 for the first bag, and $25 for each bag thereafter. hikingviking traveled recently and felt the pain first-hand (on a different airline):
We were traveling with an 8 month old on our lap who doesn't get a baggage allowance (only a free checked stroller and car seat). It's close to impossible to travel with a baby and pack into only two checked bags. Fortunately, we didn't get charged for our third bag. I'm not sure if this was because we bought our tickets in early Feb or if it was because I wrote a scathing email to United about how family un-friendly this whole thing was. But we were grateful not to get charged, and the extra room in Economy Plus made the flights almost comfortable. Thank you, United.
So... now imagine that you're flying with a baby on American Airlines, under the new regulations. Even if you pack light, you'll still be paying a hefty amount in fees unless you've figured out how to make that diaper bag invisible....
Diane Meyer at Respublica has a couple of bones to pick over this one:
As much as our family flies, one thing is pretty clear, and it is that everyone on the plane has paid a different price for their ticket. They may have paid a different price from one week ago when they went to the same place. When we go to buy a loaf of bread, whether in St. Louis or Chicago or Atlanta we pretty much know how much it is going to cost. People who eat more bread each week don't get to pay less and people who buy their bread in the morning don't pay less than those who buy at night.
So why can't there be a one price airplane ticket? One price for first class, business class and economy?
And, this charging for the first bag...doesn't anyone believe this will just cause more flyers to overload a carry on bag, leading to a totally unbalanced weight in the plane? I don't want to be in a plane with all the weight on the top.
Bellabeeandanthony's Weblog is written by a mom to two little ones, and her recent experience on American, coupled with the new regulations, made her choice very simple:
Traveling on an airplane with two babies is tricky. Getting on the plane and in the seat was the toughest part. And American Airlines doesn’t make it easy on families like ours. Not only do they not allow pre-boarding for families but they also won’t let any of their employees assist you in getting to your seat. Now, today I see they are going to charge $15 for the first checked bag. My new goal is to fly Southwest and US Air as much as humanly possible. The friendly skies just get less and less friendly and more and more cost prohibitive.
I'm guessing that many business travelers will be unimpeded by these new charges -- either because their employers are picking up the costs or because they don't require checked baggage, or both. It's families who will be hardest hit. Right now, folks can simply opt for another airline, but who knows if others will follow suit? Could your family still afford to vacation if you had to not only pay for the (steadily rising) cost of plane tickets but then additional funds to bring your clothes along, as well?
As for me, I'll be bookmarking The Lean Green Family blog; author Leah Ingram has some great suggestions on how to "locavacation" (act like a tourist in your own area). The way things are going, I think many of us are going to need that list.
BlogHer Contributing Editor Mir also blogs at Woulda Coulda Shoulda and Want Not.
]]>As a single mom I had to manage whenever I became ill, and that "managing" meant continuing to care for two kids whether I felt up to it or not. The alternative was to call upon the kids' dad, and that had repercussions of its own, of course. I tried not to call him very often. When I came down with the flu last year, I was so sick I did the unprecedented: I not only called upon him to retrieve the kids on short notice, I informed him that he'd have to keep them on a school night because I simply couldn't look after them. He was surprisingly accommodating, but lo and behold a year later I was treated to a description of my "frequent dumping of the children due to illness" during a court proceeding. (I wasn't surprised. I was only surprised that he'd managed to wait an entire year before trotting out that exaggerated little gem.)
Moms aren't supposed to be sick. Ever. Apparently if we loved our kids properly, we'd be immune to germs!
You don't have to be a single mom to feel that the pressures of motherhood simply don't allow for Mom to be anything other than 100% on her game, either. Once I remarried I was gleeful with all of the differences in my life, all of the things I'd done alone for so long that I now had someone with whom to share everything. The good would be better! The bad would be more bearable! And I would have a partner in parenting, wouldn't that be just awesome? Yes, it would!
And then I got sick. And I didn't have to do everything myself, not really, because my husband is here and -- as I blogged earlier today -- he is extremely capable and solicitous. In fact, he's perfectly happy to tend to the kids and cook dinner and let me rest, and he'll even check on me and bring me tea, to boot. It should all be perfectly easy.
Except that it isn't. In addition to feeling sick, I feel guilty. And let's be perfectly clear: If he wasn't being so great and helping out so much, I'd be resentful and cranky. If my husband was like my first husband, expecting that I should carry on and take care of the kids (and let's not forget, take care of him if he was sick) regardless, I would be dragging around muttering under my breath and feeling very sorry for myself. What I have, right here, right now, is a case of a wonderful, caring spouse who truly wants to help out so that I can get better.
So why do I still feel so guilty?
The kids are fine. They're not getting the level of attention from me, the last couple of days, that they'd get if I was completely healthy, but they're fine. They're not complaining when I'm napping after school or not sitting down with them to dinner. I've been sick for two days, not two weeks, and life is more or less continuing onward with minor adjustments. And rather than just accepting the situation for what it is, and resting, and getting better, I am beating myself up for... what? Not being perfect? For leaning on my spouse? For having gotten sick?
I have plenty of failings as a mother available for guilt, should I need something to feel genuinely bad about. This knee-jerk reaction of feeling personally responsible for a health issue -- as if it means I'm not a good enough mom -- has got to go. Somehow. Right after I get some work done, and pack tomorrow's lunches, I'm gonna get on that....
I'm in good company, at least -- check out these other moms dealing with juggling family when sickness didn't get the memo that Mom is exempt:
But Why Mommy says Let's Talk About Guilt
Dress Down Moms ask Who Mommy's the Mommy?
The Journey talks about You Know You're A Mom When...
The Weiss Chronicles! explains Why I Haven't Written
Flashing Yellow Lights succumbs with Sick Day
BlogHer Contributing Editor Mir also blogs at Woulda Coulda Shoulda and Want Not.
]]>It's time for me to follow in the footsteps of many intrepid BlogHer editors before me, and take on the torch of the Letter To My Body initiative.
I have to tell you -- I've been dreading this day.
]]>It's time for me to follow in the footsteps of many intrepid BlogHer editors before me, and take on the torch of the Letter To My Body initiative.
I have to tell you -- I've been dreading this day.
It's not that I don't think it's a great project, because I do. But it's not for me, see, because... well, let's not go there just yet. Let's start with some of the great posts from the last couple of weeks, passed along to me by Erin Kotecki Vest.
Erin said that Jessica at Beautiful Disaster got her when she talked about cutting and abuse:
Then there was the cutting and all that poison I put into you. How naive young people are…how lost…. broken. You now have scars that I put there for everyone to see. Your ability to forgive such things, well, sometimes I just don’t understand.
I have allowed men to beat you and women to call you names. You bare more scars than most that I know…a lot of which you hide on the inside. But I am proud of you. You carry each scar with pride…. a badge of honor. You know that each scar has helped you become stronger, wiser, and more in tune with your self. You have a mighty, courageous heart that you wear on your sleeve. You believe in yourself, even when I don’t.
And that Sexeteria reminded her of so many woman:
Do you remember that one guy in my dorm telling me in an offhanded way I had the perfect body, and me just staring at him blankly? My response was beyond just not wanting to believe him or trying to be modest--I simply couldn't conceive what he was saying. I felt nothing except some slight confusion, like he was talking another language and so I couldn't possibly have a response. I didn't forget I did this to you, if you thought i did.
Do you remember all my lovers who went on about how great your breasts were? Do you remember how deep down, I felt surprised every single time, no matter how many times it was volunteered freely? How I just sort of pretended I didn't hear? I didn't let myself feel anything about what I was doing. But I didn't forget I did this to you.
I have found many of these letters fascinating, because the fact remains that I don't have much of a relationship with my body, at all. Which is probably why I find this letter so difficult to write. Nevertheless, I'm going to give it a go.
Dear Body,
Um, hi there. I know we haven't spoken... much... or, you know, ever, but I'd really like for that to change. I know that in the past I've just ignored you and taken you for granted. Look, it's nothing personal, I've just been pretty busy. And I understand that you were probably just wanting a little attention, you know, with the whole Lyme Disease thing. And the endometriosis, until the hysterectomy. And the tonsillitis, until the tonsillectomy. And, oh, what about the surprise allergy to wasp stings! That one made me sit up and take notice, huh? Twice!
The reality, of course, is that I have neglected you except when I felt you had let me down. But I have let you down, constantly, by not paying attention. I pride myself on my brain, you see. The pen is mightier than the sword! Loosely translated by this writer, that means "if I'm smart I don't need to eat right or exercise." (Hmmm. When I write it out like that, the whole smart thing sort of comes into question....)
I know I need to slow down. I need to exercise some more. And dammit, I need to find a bathing suit that fits. If I get off the computer long enough to help you with the former, will you work with me on the latter? Pretty please?
Alright, then. Let's do it. Right after I finish checking my email.
(What? Change takes time, dude. I'm drinking a glass or water while I read it, at least.)
Love,
Mir
If you haven't yet joined the Letter To My Body initiative, here's your chance! Simply write your own letter and leave your link via Mr. Linky here. I'll be reading your posts over the next couple of weeks and passing them along to the next editor in line for discussion. This is your golden opportunity not only to share your words with the BlogHer community, but also to explore what you maybe didn't even realize you need to say to your body.
I can't wait to see what you come up with!
BlogHer Contributing Editor Mir also blogs at Woulda Coulda Shoulda and Want Not.
]]>I turned to my husband. "This is not going to end well," I said.
But first, let me back up.
]]>I turned to my husband. "This is not going to end well," I said.
But first, let me back up.
A couple of months ago, I was approached by an NBC producer to participate in a "blogger round table discussion" to be used on the Today Show. Fellow blogging moms Kristen Chase and Jill Asher had been invited, as well, and we were told we'd sit down for a very informal discussion with NBC correspondent Janet Shamlian. After discussing it with each other and our trusted advisors, we all agreed to do it.
I can't speak for the other women involved, of course, but as for myself, I can tell you that I was pleasantly surprised by the experience. It was fun! Janet was warm and genuine and she knew her stuff -- she's read blogs, she's read our blogs, and she asked smart questions. We talked for hours, and cracked jokes about how it would end up being ten or twenty seconds of actual air time.
This morning, the Today Show aired the segment. The discussion Janet held with Kristen, Jill and myself was used as a bit of backdrop in a piece that was, in turn, the backdrop for a live interview with Heather Armstrong.
Take a look at what was aired:
While there are things I wish they'd done differently relative to the presentation of the round table discussion, my strongest feeling after watching this in its entirety is an overwhelming sense that NBC missed a prime opportunity.
Yes, mommyblogging (air quotes or not) is hot right now. Big companies are taking notice. There is money to be made. This is not new information. Digging a little deeper would be new information, and rather than sharing some of the interesting and even profound things that came to light during our blogger discussion, or asking Heather questions that she hasn't been asked previously, or -- here's an idea -- letting her actually get out a complete thought, what could've been a great segment about moms who blog became The Story Of How Kathie Lee Gifford Is Afraid Of Her Computer.
I'm going to sit firmly on my hands and let others make the point.
Life in the Garden settles for a gentle jab:
Kathy Lee was clueless to the concept [that blogging can make money]. Who Knew that this blog thingy on the interweb could cost you your job and possibly create a new revenue stream?
Susan at Working Moms Against Guilt doesn't mince words:
Kathie Lee was such a poor choice as the interviewer. Apparently, she doesn't "do" computers or the Internet, and therefore doesn't really know what blogs are. But she gave it the old college try--and sucked. Fortunately, her cluelessness made the bloggers look even smarter and sassier, which is just fine.
Amidst the many folks Twittering and blogging about Gifford's multiple "haha" references to not knowing how to turn her computer on and how she "doesn't do" computers, her continual harping on Heather for potential privacy concerns in blogging also came under fire.
I could hear Sarah's eyes rolling from hundreds of miles away:
I enjoyed the segment even if Kathie Lee Gifford is pretty much a tool and obviously hasn’t spent much time reading blogs. Did she actually say she was afraid of the computer?
She is worried about Dooce exposing her child to people, yet I know what Kathie Lee’s kids names are and what they look like too. What is the difference between talking about your personal life on a blog or talking about your personal life on a morning talk show. Oh, right. People are still reading blogs on a regular basis.
Jennie at Preteens, Toddlers, and Newborns, Oh My! is also calling for the clue phone:
And here's my question for Kathie Lee: How is what we are doing any different from you blathering on about your children, showing photos and bringing them on camera over national television for 15 years? I would think someone like Kathie Lee would be a little less likely to judge another woman after all the flack she's taken over the years. I think this is at the heart of why the woman drives me nuts. She just doesn't see the connection.
Christina at A Mommy Story can't understand Gifford's obvious disdain, either:
At one point Kathie Lee said, "You seem like a lovely lady....BUT..." and while the "but" was sugar coated, the underlying message was that she disapproved of Heather posting intimate details and pictures of her daughter on the internet. Before Heather had a chance to answer, she was cut off for an introduction to the next segment. (And let's not even get started on how Kathie Lee talked about her kids on TV on a near daily basis when she was with Regis. How is that different?)
Christina goes on to wonder what NBC was hoping to convey, here:
I wondered what the Today Show expected its viewers to take away from this segment. Did they want them all to rush out and start mommy blogs, because clearly there was money to be made from it? Or were they trying to caution moms against exploiting their children and opening them up to stalkers by blogging about them? The messages seemed contradictory to me, not unlike the old dichotomy of "Women should have equal rights! Get out there and work! Oh wait, you're going to be a mom? How can you abandon your child by working? You should be at home!"
Honestly, I wasn't sure what the focus was, after watching it. I feel like the taped segment was designed to make it look like we hardly do anything and then rake in the bucks, and I feel like the thrust of the live-interview time with Heather was made to make it look like -- in seven years of blogging -- maybe Heather has never really stopped to consider what she's doing.
Which... come on.
I would be less disappointed, I think, if I thought this was the best NBC could do. Having met Janet and her producer and spent the time with them that I did, I am just that: Disappointed. It could've gone a different way completely. Check out what Janet wrote in her blog:
What they write about used to be the stuff of diaries or a mid-morning phone call between the best of friends, and maybe that's why they've become so popular.
Being a mom can be isolating, but with a connection to the Internet we can peek behind the curtain of our contemporaries who blog about their lives, whether it be a tense morning moment with a hubby over who's driving carpool to feeling guilty about taking little Tommy to our hair appointment instead of taking him to the park.
I have to admit, there are several blogs I check every morning...if only to validate that that I'm not the only who feels like she's constantly dropping the balls.
Those are the words of a woman who Gets It. Kathie Lee Gifford did not Get It, not even a little.
And I'll tell you something else, too. In the hours that we sat around talking about blogging, I know that more was said than could be included. I get that. But I'm sad that they chose to focus on Kristen's "controversial duck theft" when she has more to say than that. I'm sad that they plucked a comment I made about my earnings totally out of context (for one thing, it was in response to being asked repeatedly to give a "reference point" to help Janet understand the possible scope of our incomes, and for another, I immediately qualified it by pointing out that I was speaking of my entire income -- from working more than full-time -- of which the revenue from my personal blog is but a tiny fraction). I'm sad that Jill made some wonderful, eloquent points about the community of blogging and how it's buoyed her through a family crisis and that was cut.
I'm particularly disappointed that they cut the part where I answered the "why do you blog?" question by saying that my blog is a perpetual love letter to my kids. Because it is, and if they really wanted to make the segment about the mommyblogging it was purported to highlight, that is what the viewers needed to know.
Instead, within an hour of the segment, my husband had an email from a friend asking him how his "sugarmama" was doing. Kristen had an email from someone saying that she has decided to start "a blog about kids," and after seeing the Today Show segment she sees "how easily you ladies are doing it" and she would like Kristen to tell her how to make money.
Not one of us started this for the money. (None of the four of us featured today, anyway.) Not one. The fact that we're now making money is a side story -- and an important one -- but when you skip the beginning, the ending doesn't make any sense.
Didn't someone once say to do what you love, and the money will follow? That was the story here. At least, it should've been.
BlogHer Contributing Editor Mir also blogs at Woulda Coulda Shoulda and Want Not.
]]>Nakedness! On the cover of a magazine! From a minor who is not just a tween idol, but one who's been owned by Disney and continually praised for not making the same mistakes other pop stars have!
The ensuing media storm has been extensive, and no wonder. From the New York Times to unknown bloggers, Ms. Cyrus is a hot topic right now.
What are the issues here? I'd say there are many. There's the matter of Cyrus being a legal minor, for one. There's her celebrity status and -- along with it -- her association with Disney and the whole "role model" position she is therefore to assume, like it or not. There's the debate of what is "appropriate" and what is "artistic," and we could talk about that for days, maybe even weeks or months. There's the matter of sexuality in America and its expression and where one places lines and whether there is a single standard one can pinpoint. And of course, there's the parenting issue.
Opinions are flying fast and furious through the blogosphere, that's for sure.
Jamie Lee Curtis blogged on the Huffington Post about it, first sounding as though she wasn't sure what the big fuss was about:
Apparently young Ms. Cyrus has apologized for something she was told would be artistic and now feels embarrassed about. I feel for her. Of course she is embarrassed. She is a young girl. She shouldn't have to deal with any of this. I don't feel that she was duped. I know the integrity of Ms. Liebovitz and the magazine and I know there were people present at the shoot that should have been looking out to make sure that this didn't happen. In the offending photo she looks tousled and soft and vulnerable and yes...even sexy. She is fifteen after all, and the word sex is starting to come up. I seem to remember a fourteen/fifteen year old Brooke Shields commenting that nothing came between her and her Calvins. There would be no problem if Ms. Cyrus doesn't represent something that is counterintuitive to that image.
At the end of her piece, though, she does give a nod to the age issue which I think is rather telling:
I know how Miley feels. I too was a little embarrassed by my recent topless "scandal" and the subsequent parodies, but I am an adult woman. I protected myself during the shoot and I can take the heat. I only wish that her guardians had protected her.
It's not clear to me whether Ms. Curtis wishes she'd been protected from having the pictures taken or from coming under scrutiny afterwards, however.
BlogHer's own editor Shannon had very recently held Miley Cyrus up as an example of how to handle fame without succumbing to the loss of balance and normalcy, and now she's furious to see what's happened here.
Jane at What About Mom? disagrees with Shannon about the ensuing talk with her children having to be a hard one:
But one thing about the handwringing bothers me. While I can only imagine how hard it is to have to explain to young sons about topless photos, I think we might miss a great teaching moment as parents if we approach it as Shannon seems to, angry that there’ll have to be an “unpleasant conversation in our house tonight, about modesty and decision-making and growing up too fast.”
[...]
First of all, the conversation could be pleasant, I think. [...]
But I think the greatest lesson to be learned here is about peer pressure, and how it can trick even parents, even sophisticated (one imagines), fame-experienced grown-ups. [...]
Miley's dad Billy Ray had a chance to be a real hero on that photo shoot, to stand up and say, "No. In our family we don't take off our clothes in public." And then to his daughter, he could have said, "Honey, you can say no to ANYONE. You never have to do anything that makes you feel uncomfortable, and if anyone ever asks you to, I hope you’ll come to me for help."
If he wanted to get real mushy, he could've added, "Miley, you and me, and your mom (and sisters and brothers). We're a team. We decide what’s right for us, and no matter what anyone else thinks or does or says in the world, we can do what’s right for us."
But I'm jaded about the Cyrus family business. I'm afraid they're probably more concerned with spinning the blame and soothing fans to spend time correcting their daughter's erroneous belief that "you can’t say no to Annie."
I love Jane's attitude, but I wonder if we're not having an issue of semantics, here. Those of us who weren't there (i.e., everyone except the folks working on the shoot) can only guess at how exactly this went down, of course, but I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that I doubt Ms. Cyrus wanted to say no but felt coerced. I suspect she was there with a world-famous photographer who made a suggestion and she agreed, period. My question (and the question on many's minds) is whether or not her parents had second thoughts when this pose was suggested.
And it's on the parental Cyruses that the fickle finger of blame is most often coming to rest, of course. Over at cha.otic the author is quite clear on where she's pinpointed the problem:
Miley Cyrus didn’t cause this. Britney Spears didn’t cause this. Parents who allowed this trend to continue caused this. The media created an age where girls are pimped out so they (the media) can make a buck. And the victims? Just look at Britney Spears. She is a lost, spoiled, sick little girl who is in over her head, lost her children, and who is, I’d be willing to guess, the loneliest person in the world. Other girls suffer the same fate by turning to drugs, carelessness, and sex to validate their existance.
I feel sorry for Miley. She’s in for a world of trials before she’s actually an established, successful adult as she desperately wants to be in this shoot. At the end of the day, she is only at child.
Cyn at Cyn City is calling for Mom:
And yeah, Miley's too young if she wants to keep working for Disney to do these kind of shoots ( cover afte the jump) and if as she states, it embarrasses her, lesson learned, no more "back shots" under she's out from under her Ddisney obligations to be perfect. Judging however from recent photos, Miley's going through a phase where she's really chomping at the bit, pushing boundaries, but she'd best not yank Disney's chain unless she wants to be a former employee. We'll see how it goes. I think she needs handlers that don't include her father at something like this photo shoot 'cos obviously, he let it happen. Is there a Miley's mom or is she a step, or what? who is calling the shots?
(It looks to me from the slideshow on the Vanity Fair site like her mother was present at the shoot, by the way.)
Some parents are happy to place the blame squarely on Miley Cyrus herself, however, and they're taking it personally. Check out Reenita at Hybrid Mom:
As Hybrid Mothers of impressionable daughters, there is a lot we need to do to present ourselves as viable role models. Work, cook, nurture, inspire…and above all hold it together when walls come tumbling down. While we cannot rely on the media to support our every intention, it certainly helps to have other viable role models that our daughters can look to. Hannah Montana, a role model to thousands of young girls, has let us down. The New York Times article quotes Gary Marsh, the president of entertainment for the Disney channel, saying “For Miley Cyrus to be a ‘good girl’ is now a business decision for her.” Ironically, Miley’s business was built on the emotions of American girls. As a mother, I feel cheated.
On the other hand, there are women who feel that this entire thing has been blown out of proportion. Ashley of Ashley's Closet exhorts Ms. Cyrus not to apologize:
The media is bored and you have been a target ever since they caught you acting your age on Myspace. Big whoop. I'm sure Billy Ray and your mother can handle this and that child pornographer Annie Leibowitz.
For heaven's sake.
Also, media...she was not "topless". These "Topless Miley Cyrus Pics" in the headlines insinuates that Vanity Fair has got a 15 year old's boobies on display. Shame on all of you.
Annie Leibowitz wasn't photographing Hannah freaking Montana. She's the artist, Miley was the subject, she wants to see bare back, parents are present...this is a NON-ISSUE.
The pics with your dad? Only "provocative" out of context. Oh, a 15 year old snuggled up with her dad, the horror.
I'm offended on behalf of Annie, yourself and your parents and wish you hadn't apologized.
In a recent group discussion about this issue, I posed the following question: Would those of us who are offended by this picture feel the same about one showing the exact same amount of skin if Ms. Cyrus was simply wearing a backless gown? Is it about the "nudity?"
For me, my problem lies with the fact that she's underage and I find the picture intentionally sexual. It's not her naked back -- it's her tousled hair, her come-hither look, and the bed-sheet-esque cover; all of those things together combine to portray a post-coital vixen. And while I'm well aware that a 15-year-old could very well be comfortable in displaying her sexuality that way, I think putting such a picture of a minor on the cover of a national magazine is a mistake. Whether it's her mistake, her parents' mistake, Vanity Fair's mistake, or Annie Leibowitz's mistake... well, I certainly have my opinions, but they're just that: opinions.
I can't help it; I find both the cover and the subsequent hubbub deeply disturbing. I hope that some day I will sit down to write for BlogHer and won't have a broad array of stories about girls forced to grow up too quickly available to me. It seems unlikely, but I can hope.
BlogHer Contributing Editor Mir also blogs at Woulda Coulda Shoulda and Want Not.
]]>There is a part of me that cannot roll my eyes forcefully enough over something like this. Because, honestly, it is neither true that all teens are shopping machines nor that kids trying to get the most out of their money is a new phenomenon. Nevertheless, thrifty teens are this week's it topic:
The souring job market and rising costs of the usual teenage indulgences - a slice of pizza, a drive to the mall, the hottest new jeans - are causing teens to do something they rarely do: be thrifty.
more stories like thisIt's a far cry from the freewheeling spending of recent years, when teens splurged on $100 Coach wristlet handbags, $60 Juicy Couture T-shirts, and $80 skinny jeans from Abercrombie & Fitch.
Now jobs for teens are less plentiful, and parents who supply allowances are feeling the economic pinch.
Stalwart retailers of teen apparel, such as Abercrombie and American Eagle Outfitters Inc., are reporting sluggish sales, defying the myth that teen spending is recession-proof.
It's even becoming cool to be frugal.
The article goes on to discuss things like how ELLEGirl is now hosting a regular DIY segment on their site called Self Made Girl. You can view the Prom Purse Segment for a taste of it, but do note that neither in the text entry or the video are prices discussed at all.
Following on a comment in the article from ELLEGirl editor Holly Siegel, SavvySugar turned to readers:
There aren't as many jobs available for younger workers and parents have less disposable income to give to their kids as spending money. The senior editor of Ellegirl.com, Holly Siegel, explained that teens understand the need to cut back and are all about finding deals. She added, "It's a little tacky in the economic unrest to tote a big logo bag." Do you agree with her?
At last check, 51% of SavvySugar readers said that big logo bags are always tacky, while 42% of readers said it's not tacky and people shouldn't be judgmental about it. The close running of those two opinions made me cringe a little, actually.
But the "big news" of the day? Teens shopping in secondhand stores and how this is a real shift in teen spending.
I find that interesting, given that I was a teen 20-something years ago and I shopped in thrift stores even back then. I don't remember being that unusual, either. There have always been Spenders and Savers even amongst teenagers, and guess what! We grow up into people who either must buy, buy, buy! or people who know how to manage our money. Go figure.
Sarah Burningham at How To Raise Your Parents agrees with me:
News flash: Teens have always been thrifty.
I mean, seriously, do they really think that teens had unlimited budgets before the market started to change? Teens have been shopping vintage and making their own clothes for years. For generations. Probably since the dawn of time. I think it's funny that the AP thinks this is a new trend.
On the other hand, Betsy at I Am TRex says the article got it wrong, but for a different reason:
In the slumping economy, teens are finding it cool to be frugal.
My thought, BULLSHIT! Kids may be more frugal, but no way are they finding it cool.
She goes on to give us her take on the reality of the situation:
Here’s what the conversation ACTUALLY sounds like:
I know we need to pay the rent and I know we need food and stuff, but you don’t underSTAND. I will just DIE if I have to go to Lisa’s party in a shirt I once wore to school? Do you want me to DIE? DO you HATE me?
I’m just guessing here.
Regardless of the scenario in your house -- whether your teen is whining for more or finding creative solutions to deal with a tighter budget -- I encourage all parents to check out Karen's recent Kids and Money post about how to handle money issues with kids of all ages, ranging from preschoolers all the way up to age 21. I especially like her steps for teens:
Ages 11-12. Expand the allowance to include additional responsibilities, such as paying for mall excursions with their friends and buying gifts. This is also a good time to introduce kids to the basics of investing -- namely, owning shares of stock means being part owner of a company whose products they use or whose stores they shop in. In our business, many times, we open what is called an UGMA account for the child and the parent contributes the child's money into that.
Ages 14-15. Encourage kids to get a job, at least over the summer. Teens this age are permitted to work in offices, amusement parks, movie theaters, restaurants, supermarkets and other retail stores. Arrange for them to have an ATM card, so they can deposit and withdraw their earnings from their own savings account.
Ages 16-17. Put teens in charge of a clothing allowance. If they don't already have a part-time or summer job, now's the time to get one. Now's also the time to open a checking account and get a debit card, so they can learn how to manage their money before they head off to college (co-sign the account if the bank requires it because they're not yet 18).
The bottom line is always that teens need guidance on how to manage their money -- guidance best given through good example and open communication. I mean, really, did we have a rash of logo-bag-carrying teens whose parents were frugal, conservative spenders before the economy started to tank? Probably not. The economy doesn't dictate how our kids spend, the lessons we raise them with do.
BlogHer Contributing Editor Mir also blogs at Woulda Coulda Shoulda and Want Not.
]]>Getting the message through to your daughter that drinking may result in social embarrassment may, in fact, be the best way to encourage her not to drink while she's not yet of age.
]]>Getting the message through to your daughter that drinking may result in social embarrassment may, in fact, be the best way to encourage her not to drink while she's not yet of age.
We already know that teens -- by and large -- believe themselves to be omnipotent and infallible. They tend to engage in risky behavior because of the attitude that bad things happen to other people, not to them. So when The Century Council put out their contest for teen girls to create a short video to deter underage drinking, it's no wonder that Kylee Darcy's entry took the grand prize and became the campaign around which ALot2Lose.com is based; it hits teen girls where they live. Check out her winning video:
What a message for today's digital kids: Don't drink, because your drunken antics may make you the butt of your peers' ridicule.
The video got a stamp of approval from Vanessa Van Petten (the young guru behind Teens Today) as one of her Picks of the Week, as well as drawing a hearty thumbs-up from Liz over at This Full House as she relays her own feelings of inadequacy about talking to her daughters about drinking:
"Um...Mom...have you been drinking, again?"
We've recently allowed my two oldest girls (they're 14 and 12) to stay up a little longer than my two youngest (they're 9 and 6) because...well, they're older now, you know and...YES...this is where the conversation pretty much came to a screeching halt..
"NO...I haven't had a drink ALL night...why would you EVEN say that?!?"
I know, just wait.
"Well, you're acting all hyper and giggly and stuff...and...um...sorry."
Oh, it gets worse.
"Maybe I'm just in a good mood...OKAY!"
And that right there, my friends, is when I totally blew any chances of finding out just how in the hell my precious little daughters knew from being drunk, not to mention actually "listening" to what they were saying!
Liz goes on to laud the video, as well as the ALot2Lose and Girl Talk sites.
Think underage drinking is nothing you have to worry about with your daughter? Think again. Aurelia at Parenting My Teen teams up with Vanessa Van Petten to urge everyone to get ready for prom season:
Part of the prom fantasy is what will happen after the prom. From after-prom parties to drinking, drugs and sex, if your teen wants to particpate in any of these vices, they WILL. Vanessa and I strongly encourage you to speak candidly with your teen about the dangers each of these things present and to help them make safe after-prom plans.
Kylee Darcy, by the way, is no stranger to activism via video PSAs -- she also won the Fresh Focus video contest for her short about relevant sexual education for teens. This young woman has a passion for empowering young women to make good choices, and I, for one, will be keeping my eye on her as my own daughter grows.
BlogHer Contributing Editor Mir also blogs at Woulda Coulda Shoulda and Want Not.
]]>Where we live in Georgia, the drought has been a huge topic of concern for the past year (maybe longer, but we've only been here a year). It's in the newspaper, it's on the television, and they talk about it at school. My children come home and ask me if I've considered getting a rain barrel. (I have.) They ask if I'm aware of the latest county water restrictions. (I am.) And then they get into the shower at night and see something shiny and when I knock on the door 10 minutes later to ask why they're not out yet, a sheepish voice calls out, "I haven't actually gotten clean yet."
Ah, kids. They're so ready and willing to take up the gauntlet for any cause, but they're still, after all, kids. Sometimes their ability to connect the dots leaves a little to be desired.
With Earth Day approaching (April 22nd -- mark your calendar!), many parents are wondering how to get their kids on the environmentally-conscious bandwagon. The truth is that most children are already much more aware of the fragility of our earth than most adults are. They're quick to remember that you shouldn't pick flowers along the hiking trail or that magazines go in the recycle bin... but they can't seem to remember to close the door behind them when the heat or air conditioning is running.
So how do we raise truly eco-conscious kids? How do we bridge the gap between Big Ideas and Everyday Green?
The answer is both obvious and annoying: It starts with hugging some trees, and ends with a whole lot of patience.
Okay, I'm joking about hugging trees. But this part is not a joke: Today's kids spend more time inside than their predecessors, and the more time they spend inside, the harder it is for them to connect with the world beyond four walls. Want a good reason or four to get your kids outside? For your consideration:
Quite simply, kids who spend all their time indoors don’t have much of a connection with the natural world, so the awareness that nature needs to be protected won’t come as easily. But this is possibly the most difficult opportunity for many parents to give their children. In this day and age, most parents believe that allowing children to explore nature unsupervised presents an inherent danger. Statistically, though, parents’ worst nightmares for their children are very unlikely to come true.
According to security expert Gavin de Becker, children are significantly more likely to die of a heart attack than to be abducted by a stranger. Therefore, letting the kids play outside is not only statistically safe, it will also benefit their health and give them a healthy reverence for nature in the process. Studies have shown that children who spend more time outdoors have lower rates of ADHD, better school performance, and less depression.
A kid who spends her afternoons digging around in the backyard is going to have an easier time understanding why deforestation is a bad thing. (And that's aside from all the health benefits of outdoor play.) And not surprisingly, a kid whose parents also spend time outside is more likely to value the great outdoors, too. Don't just boot them out to play -- join them!
Talk to your kids about the choices you make, too. You can't expect a toddler to understand why you might not want to buy strawberries in January, but even very young children can appreciate the difference between local fruit purchased in-season and something that was flown halfway around the world to get to you, and why that might be something you should be concerned about.
Making a habit of explaining yourself to your children serves a dual purpose: First, it holds you accountable for your own choices (oh, the humanity of little external consciences!), and second, it teaches your kids what you hold important and why. If you find yourself explaining that you couldn't be bothered to seek out the more earth-friendly products or that you don't have time to think about these things, well, maybe those hopeful little faces will inspire you to change your ways....
As for the lights left on and the too-long showers? They're not necessarily failures, they're just evidence of kids still being kids. They're learning opportunities, too. Look to creative solutions if these little mindless bits of wasteful behavior persist -- tax them for lights left on, either in money or (our favorite currency 'round here) chores, for example. While my children speak cold, hard cash fluently, I tired of charging them over the lights issue, and was looking for a way to connect it back to the concept of taking care of the earth, so now leaving the lights on may result in you owing me twenty minutes of weeding.
Above all, remember that it's a process. If it sounds overwhelming, start out with the Earth Day Kids' Page and brainstorm with your kids about how you can make small but important changes as a family. You may be surprised to discover that it's easier than you think to be more mindful of our earth's resources.
(Well, except for the shower thing. You're probably just going to have to buy a shower timer. Sorry.)
BlogHer Contributing Editor Mir also blogs at Woulda Coulda Shoulda and Want Not.
]]>As she wrote in her column about Izzy’s big adventure: "Half the people I've told this episode to now want to turn me in for child abuse. As if keeping kids under lock and key and helmet and cell phone and nanny and surveillance is the right way to rear kids. It's not. It's debilitating — for us and for them."
Despite the facts and figures quoted by Skenazy -- most notably, that most "abductions" are committed by someone known to the child, and that today New York City is statistically as safe an area as Provo, Utah -- Today had a parenting expert on hand to express concern:
Dr. Ruth Peters, a parenting expert and TODAY Show contributor, agreed that children should be allowed independent experiences, but felt there are better – and safer – ways to have them than the one Skenazy chose.
"I’m not so much concerned that he’s going to be abducted, but there’s a lot of people who would rough him up," she said. "There’s some bullies and things like that. He could have gotten the same experience in a safer manner."
I'm willing to admit that I don't know a whole lot about life in New York City; heck, I was just there last week and subsequently bemoaning how I find it crowded and intimidating (though I was right in the heart of the busiest part of Manhattan, which locals assure me is a different beast altogether). However, I find it really difficult to believe that if someone was bullying an unaccompanied child that there wouldn't be enough people around for someone to step in and help. In fact, I'll even go one better -- I find it hard to believe that anyone would target a child under those circumstances at all. There are simply too many witnesses.
But what's really the issue here? Skenazy says the crux of the controversy is the tendency of today's parents to shield their children from, well, everything. That in attempting to keep them safe, we're neglecting to teach them how to make their own way. In theory, I agree whole-heartedly. In practice -- in sending a 9-year-old across town on the subway on his own -- I just can't say. Skenazy's son Izzy certainly seemed unbothered by all the hoopla. He's not my kid so I wouldn't even attempt to decree if this was the right choice for him. He sure did seem happy at his newfound freedom, though.
Stacey at MotherTalkers isn't sure what to think:
I do agree that kids need to take some risks, make some mistakes, and have their own life apart from their parents. I can imagine how incredibly psyched and proud Izzy felt when he knew he'd made it home by himself. I want my kids to feel that way too.
At the same time, I can understand why people are freaked by the idea that she left her son alone in the middle of New York City. He's a native, but still.
I really have no idea what a nine-year old is capable of. Is this crazy?
Stacey's post includes a poll titled "Is this mother out of her mind?" Last I checked, with well over a hundred responses, 61% of the respondents said that No, kids need more opportunities to learn independence.
Queenie at Homeschool Diaries caught the segment on television and it really struck a chord with her:
Now, I can't say that I would allow my children to ride the subway alone. Hell, I wouldn't even ride the subway alone. However, this family lives in New York. This boy grew up in that environment. He is a mature kid. I think that the mom looked at this in a very diplomatic way.
Her argument was that New York is one of the safest cities for kids. It is. Studies have shown that. She brought up a valid point in that we are living in fear of the things that are in the media. We only hear about the bad stuff. We don't hear about the millions of people that ride the subways each day without incident. We hear about the one bad thing that happens. She stated that people are living in fear and that she is being chastized because she chooses to not live that way. Bravo to you lady. I wholeheartedly agree with her on this fact. We are a scared nation. It sucks. On so many levels.
I think that Tee at Empty Boxes speaks for many when she says:
While I think allowing a 9 year old to ride the subway alone is in poor judgment, part of me is jealous of this mother’s bravery, for I know her kid will grow up to be a confident, independent person.
Being a parent is a constant struggle to balance keeping our kids safe and teaching them how to take care of themselves. I suppose this story is so sensational because the subway represents, for many, the seedy underbelly of a busy city (whether it really is or not), and our first inclination as a generation of overprotective parents is to say "Why?" Why would you let your child take that risk, if you didn't need to?
Maybe the answer is that we do need to, because otherwise -- as Skenazy points out -- we end up with a country full of college students who are still calling home to ask Mommy what they should wear. I don't know about you, but that strikes a deeper fear into my heart than the idea of a stranger speaking to my child.
BlogHer Contributing Editor Mir also blogs at Woulda Coulda Shoulda and Want Not.
]]>It turns out that I'm something of an optimist when it comes to America's propensity to push girls into premature adulthood.
My friends, I am now yearning for the halcyon days when I thought that encouraging a tween to use a depilatory on her legs was scandalous, because today I am here to tell you that Philadelphia Magazine is reporting that girls as young as 8 are being taken to spas for everything from massages to bikini waxing.
Take a minute to digest that. 8-year-olds. Getting bikini waxes.
Moe at Jezebel expressed incredulity in the post titled How Many 8-Year-Olds Have To Get Bikini Waxes Before We All Agree The Terrorists Have Won, and quotes the original article just enough to point the finger of blame:
Today's girls aren't looking at posters; they're looking in the mirror. They have a new obsession — a self-obsession — and it's being aided and abetted by their mothers.
Their mothers who need to find something better to do.
At So Unpretty mo cheeks responds to the Philly article with condemnation of the female obsession with beauty:
girl world needs a break. like a serious time-out. all the make up, straightening irons, hot wax, etc. needs to be locked up for 3 months until everyone comes down from their botox highs.
i'm disappointed in womanity.
I am by no means excusing the mothers here, because indeed, I do cringe over what must be a deeply distorted body image and value system that would cause a woman to think this is an appropriate activity for a child. But I found myself nodding even more vigorously as I read BellaSugar's commentary, which points out that there's plenty of blame to go around:
It's easy to just blame these girls' mothers (and, ahem, where are their fathers?!). But I find it just as troubling that spa owners allow these unnecessary (and sometimes painful) procedures to be performed on children. Since the mothers are willing to drop big bucks on a regular basis to keep their daughters perfectly preened, salon owners risk losing the lucrative business should they refuse to perform a service. And from the sound of it, most of them would rather keep their traps shut than jeopardize their profits.
While the business angle bothers me, as well (though the triumph of the almighty dollar -- even in this scenario -- comes as a surprise to no one), I think the wondering where the fathers are is a really valid and depressingly novel point. The assumption is that this is a practice encouraged and abetted by mothers. Don't these girls have fathers, too? Isn't it both parents' job to shepherd our children through childhood at an appropriate pace?
In a comment thread about the article on the LiveJournal site f*ck_shaving (asterisk mine), commenter __nopanuru laments:
It's sad that all these moms can't think of anything else to do to bond with their daughters but go to the spa. What about taking a walk every evening to talk about their day, or cook together, or take up art classes or fucking something else.
[...]
Also, do any other these daughters have fathers? Do any of these women have husbands?
Don't they have some influence in their lives telling them that they're beautiful no matter what?
"Beautiful no matter what." Now there's a concept. I don't know if the women involved feel the need to go to such grooming extremes (themselves, which they then pass along to their ever-younger daughters) because the men in their lives demand it -- overtly or tacitly -- or because they've somehow internalized the "be young, hairless, and perfect" standard which American culture and Photoshop demand.
What I do know is that I am very, very afraid for our daughters' future when stuff like this is becoming the norm.
BlogHer Contributing Editor Mir also blogs at Woulda Coulda Shoulda and Want Not.
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