I've been pondering this very question these past two weeks as we've waged our third battle against these relentless vermin this summer. The only purpose for lice that I can think of is that it teaches us a lesson that is as important and profound as Jill's question itself. Things can always get worse.
I've had alot of time to ponder many things as I've spent hours on end sifting through my daughter's thick curly locks, picking nits off her head. Aside from lamenting the missed Rosh Hashanah services and play dates as a result of this undeserved plague and wondering how my daughter might look bald (she has a pretty face!), I've mostly been asking myself why I've been so utterly unprepared for motherhood.
I always feel like I missed a course in high school or college or something. Other than my own parents' experience (and who actually pays attention to them?), the only thing that gave me a glimpse into the "real" world while I was growing up was Habro's "The Game of Life." Remember that game? The one where you sent your car along the road of life and along the way you got a job, got married, had kids, bought insurance and stocks? Sometimes you even defaulted on loans, lost out on the stock market or got hit by a hurricane. I just loved that game!
But thinking back on it, maybe that game was a bit superficial. If I was revamping it today, I'd add a few more "real" life experiences. Like, "Your daughter has lice. Loose two turns as you delouse your children and your house." Or, "Your daughter wants dance lessons. Pay $200 dollars for the lessons and $200 more for ballet shoes and recital costumes." Or, "Oops! Your baby spit up on your expensive wool suit. Pay $100 in dry cleaning!" Then maybe kids would grow up a bit more prepared for the real world.
Here's a fun game...what "real" life experiences would you add to "The Game of Life?"
]]>Of course I thanked my lucky stars that I escaped a potentially horrendous situation and vowed to be more mindful and careful in the future. But if I'm truly honest with myself, given our how crazy my life generally is, odds are something like that is bound to happen again. And I couldn't help but think of Brenda Slaby, the mother that killed her two year old daughter earlier this month by forgetting to drop her off at the babysitter and accidentally leaving her in the back of her sweltering car.
See the rest of this post at http://upwithmoms.blogspot.com/
]]>This week's US News and World Report cover story "The New Mommy Track" is about how some women are avoiding the "opt out" phenomenon by negotiating flexible work schedules and non-traditional career tracks. I'm so thrilled to see other women finding ways to blend work and family in ways that work for them.
]]>This week's US News and World Report cover story "The New Mommy Track" is about how some women are avoiding the "opt out" phenomenon by negotiating flexible work schedules and non-traditional career tracks. I'm so thrilled to see other women finding ways to blend work and family in ways that work for them.
I've been blazing this trail in my own organization, negotiating a variety of unique work arrangements over the last five years. Following my very first maternity leave, I asked my (relatively) new boss if I could work from home a couple of days a week to be close to my baby and keep an eye on our new nanny. He reluctantly agreed to a temporary trial and it ended up working out for both of us. I remained as flexible as I could to accommodate work needs and as soon as I was comfortable leaving my daughter, I was back at the office full time. When my second daughter came along three years later, I was tired of the full time working mommy thing and wanted out. I tried to resign, but my boss, now having built a level of confidence and trust in me, made me an offer I couldn't refuse -- a part time position. We negotiated hours, carefully devised a role that fit my experience and kept the workload to a manageable level. Each year, I arranged my work schedule around my children, working mostly on the days that they were in preschool.
Now I'm back at work full time (see this post on the impetus behind that decision), yet I still have a flexible schedule. Our wonderful nanny, who has been with us since my part time days, is only available to us a few days a week. That means two days a week, I leave the office mid-day to pick up my preschooler and work from home the rest of the day. It's not easy to tear myself from the office in the middle of a workday or to conduct business from home. I could make things alot easier on myself by finding alternate childcare arrangements. But the reward is seeing my little one light up when I show up at her school and watching my older daughter jump off the school bus and run around with the neighborhood kids.
Having been the first in my department and among the first in my office to have struck a unique work arrangement, I have felt like a pioneer these last five years. It has not always been easy and it has not been ideal. I often felt guilty for having "special" arrangements (and still do), I sometimes missed out on things (both at work and at home) and the juggling thing can be pretty exhausting. But it has been do-able and it's been the best solution for me. I agree with the US News article that these arrangements are not yet the norm, and I have to give props to my boss who recognizes that he works in a female dominated industry and that he's better off being flexible than hiring new employees all the time. He also has a wife that has struggled with the work/mom quandry. We now have several women in our department with flexible working arrangements (one part-timer and two that job-share) and several former new mommy employees do freelance work for us.
I truly hope this US News article inspires other moms to think outside the box and come up with solutions that work for them. If you've worked for a company for a number of years, you've proven yourself, have a good relationship with your supervisor and he/she is a reasonable person, flexible work arrangements are possible. The trick is to believe in your value and understand that your employer has more to lose than you do if you leave. We do have quite a way to go before these opportunities are available to everyone. But that's something we can work on together.
]]>I used to play make-believe games with my older daughter when she was little. In fact, I played pretty much whatever she wanted to play. But I finally got to a point when I realized I hate playing make-believe -- it's just not my thing. I'm not good at it, I dread it and it makes me resent being a mom.
Is that so wrong? There are plenty of things we suffer through as moms for the sake of our kids. Like the playdate with the kid of the mom you don't really like, but you suck it up and call her anyway so your kid can choose his/her own friends. Or the birthday party of a kid you don't know where you stand around for two hours with a bunch of strangers and pretend you're having fun when you'd really rather be home doing the laundry, doing the dishes or really ANYTHING else, but that. So why should I do things I hate when I actually have a choice?
A couple of years ago, I read (and kept) a wonderful article in Newsweek titled,"Meet the Slacker Mom," about Muffy Mead-Ferro's book, "Confessions of a Slacker Mom," in which she urges moms to lighten up, lower their standards and give themselves a break. “We’ve raised the bar too high on parenting,” Mead-Ferro told Newsweek, “And squeezed out all the fun. Someone has to say, ‘Stop the Madness'.”
Although I never read her book, I love Muffy Mead-Ferro and the Newsweek article alone hooked me on her philosophy. There's no reason we have to be perfect -- hyper parenting benefits no one. Unfortunately, nothing much has changed since 2005 when Newsweek published its article and Mead-Ferro her book. But I for one, am taking a stand, at least in my own home. I refuse to suffer through make-believe, Barbie doll playing or anything else I don't like to do. And I'm going to allow myself the guilty pleasure of reading a magazine while my children entertain themselves once in a while.
I say let's all take a stand -- NO MORE MOMMY MARTYRS!!! It might just lead to a better, more contented existence for moms everywhere. Anyone with me?
]]>You know The List -- the one that's committed to memory and constantly running through your head like the CNN ticker. The one that rules our lives made famous in the book, "I Don't Know How She Does It." It's the endless list of things that HAS to be done to keep your life and the lives of your family members on track. The one that as soon as one thing is checked off, three more pop on and therefore will never, ever, EVER be successfully and completely completed. That one.
Before you hail my husband a hero for offering, no INSISTING, that we split The List, I submit to you that this was an act of pure self preservation. He was the one that encouraged me to go back to work full time (which means less financial pressure for him). And after experiencing my umpteenth nervous breakdown and constant misery over not being able to keep up with The List anymore, there was simply only one solution. If we were going to share the earning power, we were going to have to share responsibility for The List.
Each Sunday night, we go over The List for the week. We determine who is going to do what and then my husband actually types up a separate list for each of us (ever see your list on paper? It's even more scary in print). At first, I kept forgetting to mention things that should be on The List. Not because I actually forgot them, but because I considered them things "the mom" should do. Eventually I learned to give it all up and I've been amazed at what my husband has taken on. He scheduled and accompanied the kids to their last dental appointment. He researched and organized swim lessons. He got our piano fixed and tuned (that's been on The List for years!). He's even made lunches and packed backpacks.
Now that The List has been reduced to something a bit more manageable, an enormous weight has been lifted from my shoulders. But it also has illuminated one simple truth. While our husbands are more than capable of stepping up and taking on more than they traditionally do, the ultimate responsibility will always lie with the mom. As wonderful as he is, my husband will never remember that we have to call the pediatrician three months in advance to schedule a check up or that every January we have to start registering the kids for camp. Those finer details are in my head and squarely and firmly in my court. But at least being able to delegate these tasks once they arrive is a step in the right direction. For now.
]]>So here's what happened. A few months ago, I voluntarily gave up a part-time gig to return to work full time. Not exactly the best way to achieve life balance, I realize, and according to my grand plan, I had another year until my youngest was in kindergarten before I attempted re-entry into full time professional life. But, I hit a wall and had to do something.
Those of you (you being the legions of loyal followers of Up With Moms) who covet a part time job and think that it's the answer to all of your mommy woes probably think I'm insane. I fully admit, it was a very good job with a great organization I've been with forever. It even came with a decent salary and benefits. But even part time gigs have their limitations for us moms. After doing the job happily for several years, I started noticing that I wasn't getting very challenging assignments. And my non-mommy colleagues were getting promoted beyond me. One even got promoted OVER me, which diminished the stature of my job. I finally realized that my part time job had landed me squarely on the dreaded mommy track and eventually the professional in me started rebelling.
Professional Amy: I'm bored. This is bull#@!
Mommy Amy: What do you mean? I'm very happy.
Professional Amy: Happy? How can you be happy? Your career is going NOWHERE!
Mommy Amy: I don't know what you're talking about. I have a great job.
Professional Amy: Yes, that's right. You have a job but not a career.
Mommy Amy: Well, so what? I have the best of both worlds. I get to work and be with the kids. Most women would kill for this.
Professional Amy: But are you learning anything? Are you being mentally challenged? C'MON you could do this job in your sleep! What's the point?
Mommy Amy: I get benefits...that's important...
Professional Amy: Oh good. Benefits will get you far in life. How do you plan to parlay benefits into a career goal? The kids won't need you forever, you know. You need to get a life.
Mommy Amy: I don't know what you're talking about...
Professional Amy: Look, I've sacrificed brain cells for the past four years so you can be the perfect mom. It's my turn now. It's time to get serious about work.
Mommy Amy: But...but...what about the kids?
Professional Amy: The kids will be just fine. You'll do quality time with them after work and on the weekends. Anyway, its time they had some more quality time with their dad. You know he'll help fill the gap if you're bringing in more money.
Mommy Amy: I don't know...
Professional Amy: The kids are starting to have their own lives. Time to jump start yours again. We're going back to work!
I'm sure many of you have the same kind of schizophrenic inner dialogue. So Professional Amy won out this time. Do you ever think there will be a day when both Amy's can be satisfied? I'm still holding out hope.
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