alyssaroyse's blog

Being A Genius Does Not Excuse Raping A Child

2009-09-28T19:08:53-05:00

Roman Polanski is a genius. No doubt about it. He's even pretty charming, really. It does not change the fact that he entered a plea of GUILTY to "unlawful sex with a child", and can, at least in my mind, be legitimately be called a child-rapist.

That is not charming.

To be very clear here, this was not statutory rape, this was not an 17 year-old having sex with their teacher. This was a grown man who groomed a 13 year-old, got her drunk on champagne, gave her quaaludes, fondled her, had vaginal sex with her and then anal sex with her. And entered a guilty plea to charge, though did say she was "not unresponsive." Oh, well that excuses it.

If you have the stomach for it, you can read the filing papers on The Smoking Gun. It's not a fun read, but it is worth it so that we can all snap out of our "but he's Roman Polanski" and "it was 32 years ago" haze.

As the Guardian explains it:

Polanski was 44 and already a twice-Oscar-nominated director in March 1977 when he had sex with Samantha Gailey, a 13-year-old model he had hired for a photoshoot, at Jack Nicholson's house in Los Angeles. He has argued that the sex was consensual, saying the girl was "not unresponsive", though Gailey said he drugged her with painkillers and champagne before carrying out a "very scary" assault.
The director pleaded guilty to unlawful sexual intercourse in a deal with prosecutors that saw them drop charges of rape, drugging and sodomy, which could have carried a life sentence, but fled the country in February 1978 when it became apparent that he was likely to serve time in prison.

Samantha Gailey, who was 13 when the events took place, has since said that she's happy with the "settlement" that they came to and she does not think that any further action is necessary against him.

She does not have the right to say that because child rape is a criminal matter, not a civil matter. I hope that she is happy and has healed, but the fact remains that he entered a guilty plea to a criminal charge and then fled the country in 1978 when it became clear that he was going to have to serve prison time.

Here's the thing. 13 year-olds really cannot consent to sex. They can barely handle peer pressure, much less the pressure of a famous and much older man who they believe has control over their potential career.

As a society, we have to protect our children. You don't get to run away from punishment.

Granted, as a rape-survivor, this one hits close to home. (I was 16, not 13, but still.....) We need to take a zero tolerance stand here.

It's never too late for him to pay for his crime, because it is never okay for him to get away with it.

But this is also a great opportunity for us all to talk to our own kids about rape. It's not easy, but I wrote a quick guide about Talking To Kids About Rape when someone I know was accused of raping a teen at a local youth theater, and it's worth checking out now.

In the grand scheme of conversations we have with our kids, this is probably one of the hardest, but we have to do it, and here's why:

things we don't talk about are assumed to be shameful and there should be NO SHAME in being raped
kids need to know how to define rape
people of all ages need to know the difference between sex and rape, and have to be comfortable talking about it
we have to come together to say that we know it is wrong and we're willing to do something about it

I agree with others who have said that who Roman Polanski is as a person shouldn't taint the lens through which we look at his art. However, his art cannot taint how we look at him as a person either. He raped a child, he admitted it, and he fled the country - after paying her off - rather than serving his punishment.

Justice here may be delayed, but it should not be denied.

Step Away From The Feed And No One Will Get Hurt

2009-09-19T23:31:15-05:00

Remember that guy that no one could stand? The one that, no matter where he was, couldn’t stop talking, thought he was an authority on everything and could only talk about himself? The one that you finally had to stop inviting to parties and would cross the street to NOT run into?

He’s back. And he has Twitter. And Facebook. He has all sorts of technology to make sure that no matter where you are or what you are doing, you will know where he is, what he is doing, how he thinks about it, feels about it and why you should be doing it too.

And he’s gonna get uninvited, blocked and deleted.

Back in the day, that would only mean that he didn’t get invited to all the cool parties. Now it means that his message will not be heard.

If he’s trying to build a brand or a business reputation, that’s not a good thing. It means that his message will not be heard, and whatever brand-building he does will have the word “annoying” in the meta data of people’s minds.

Twitter and Facebook have their place for both business and personal uses. But to abuse either one is bad, and all you really have to do is ask yourself, “am I that guy?” If the –honest – answer is “yes,” then it’s time for you to step away from the feed, and no one will get hurt.

But how will you know? What will you do? Here’s a handy guide to not being that guy.

1. Overexposure Is Not Just For Nipples Anymore

I have blocked countless friends from my Facebook and Twitter feeds. Why? Well, this one time (at band camp,) I logged into Facebook and my entire feed was taken up by a friend who was offering the world a blow-by-blow of a conference he was at. (He was doing it in Twitter, but it was linked to his Facebook status.) Another friend took up all but one spot on my Twitter feed, drowning out everyone else I follow. And so on.

Overexposure is not about what you show, it’s about how often you show it. The quickest way to get deleted from someones feed is to post too much information. And I don’t mean “I ate too much and now feel like a farting whale” or “that dude was so hot I think I got wet when he walked by.” I mean, “here’s what I’m doing now,” followed by “here’s what I’m doing now,” followed by “here’s what I’m doing now.”

2. Twitter and Facebook are Different, Embrace Diversity!

For the sake of all that is sacred, please unlink your Facebook and Twitter accounts. NOW! There is nothing more annoying then checking Facebook and Twitter and seeing the exact same content.

Regardless of what they would LIKE to be, Facebook is a much more personal and intimate space than Twitter. Use Facebook to express who you are, stay in touch with friends and colleagues, and express opinions in more than 140 characters. Even if you use it for work, Facebook is a great place to let your hair down. Facebook is the water cooler, not the boardroom. Twitter, on the other hand, is the PA system. If you say something on the PA, it damned well better be important. (Assuming you use it for work, and are not @shitmydadsays, which is easily the best Twitter feed on the planet.)

It's easy, if your Facebook and Twitter lists are the same, they don't want the same info twice. If they're different it's because they are different people using it for different reasons and in different ways. Don't insult them either way.

3. Don’t Just Talk About Yourself

If you are using either Facebook or Twitter to promote your business, then you should be focusing on your entire industry, not just yourself. If you are only posting about why you are cool, how you are smart, what you can do for people, then you are little more than an annoying infomercial. (What that guy does when he grows up.)

You should be talking about news from your industry, trends in your market, and even the good things done by other people who do what you do. That’s what will show people that you are in touch, paying attention and likely able to use your understanding to help them. (Unless, of course, you are @mrskutcher, and people really do want to know what you are doing every moment of the day, because you are that cool and your husband is that hot and you post pictures of him sometimes. But you are not.)

4. If You’re Advertising, Say So

If you are promoting a product, or live-tweeting from an event that asked you to do so, then be honest about it. Remember the old days, when blogging was just knee-high to a server stack? Bloggers and advertisers both got in tons of trouble with consumers when bloggers wrote about how much they loved a product without being clear that they had been paid to do so. It’s bad for all parties. You will lose credibility and become part of “the system” that all of this glorious user-generated content is supposed to counteract. And your opinion sure as hell won’t be trusted.

5. Don't Be An Update Junkie

More than ten tweets a day is a sign of addiction. Or arrogance. Or both. And it’s annoying as all hell. I don’t care who you are, nothing you have to say is so important that people want all other voices in their universe drowned out. (Unless you are @themediaisdying, who is actually just posting links to other articles as a terrifically focused source on a single issue, and may be one of the BEST Twitter users our there – and he NEVER talks about himself.)

We all just get so excited about the technology and how we can use it that we forget to think about the people who are receiving it. They are your customers, your potential market. No matter how cool your tool is, if you use it to piss people off, they won’t want to use you for anything.

As a side-note, that’s an important thing to think about as everyone goes Twitter app crazy too. I’ve seen an awful lot of companies pop up that can harness all of this amazing technology to do incredible things that will defensibly shift paradigms using proprietary algorithms that can tie their own shoes. As impressive as they may seem, you need to follow the offering all the way through to it’s logical conclusion, and if that conclusion will annoy and alienate customers, then there will never be a paying market.

So, if you have – or are considering investing in – a startup that will link everyone’s everything account and spam everyone else wherever they are, well, step away now. Technology may change at the speed of light, but people don’t. And no one will ever voluntarily spend time with anyone or anything that annoys them all the time.

No matter who you are, it's not the size of your feed that mattes, it's how you use it.

___________

Alyssa Royse is the founder of JUST CAUSE Magazine. She’s on Facebook, but only with people she actually knows because she tends to REALLY let loose there. JUST CAUSE Mag is on Facebook. She tweets sometimes, to anyone who wants to follow her, but not very often. She also thinks that Facebook should allow people to OPT IN to having their status updates pooled, made public and subscribed to like Twitter, which would probably kill Twitter and then there would be a little less noise.

Inspiration and Potty Training - Melissa Etheridge is More Than A Lesbian With Breasts

2009-09-08T09:27:47-05:00

"Hi, this is Alyssa." "No, it's Melissa." "No, you're Melissa, I'm Alyssa!"

So started my chat with Melissa Etheridge.

I’m a fan. Though I don’t think I can name one of her songs – there is one about a window, I know that much – I’ve always really liked her. She has always seemed to embody what I look for in people: courage, honesty, strength, humor and a serious disregard for the shallow. And a singing voice, the thing that I most covet and do not have, at all.

I had been concentrating very hard on a list of questions, so that I would stay focused on the issue at hand, which is breast cancer. But I know myself, and think I’m a bit doomed. I’m about as chatty as they come, and my ability to focus is matched only by my ability to sing.

Melissa is currently giving her time and talent to the Hard Rock Cafe’s Pinktober project, aimed at raising awareness and money in support of breast cancer research. She’ll be touring the country hosting Pinktober parties at Hard Rock locations across the country.

Naturally, I asked her about her activism. She’s a working mom, who has only recently kicked cancer’s ass, so how does she – how can we all – find the time and energy to actively support the causes that matter to us. Her answer was deceptively simple. She suggested that all it’s really about is just standing up and telling the truth. How hard can that be?

“I decided a long time ago,” she tells me, “as I was starting down this path, that I would stand up and say, ‘hey this is my truth.’ The first time, it was about gay issues. And I found that the minute I opened that door and stood in my truth, it was perceived as ‘giving,’ as being an activist. I thought, ‘wow,’ just speaking one’s truth is an act of activism.”

In my heart, I knew she was right. But all I could say was, “wow, that’s kind of sad!” In a world that is going a thousand miles an hour and fed a steady diet of expectations, simply being true to yourself – and saying so out loud – can be a very hard thing.

Meanwhile, behind the scenes, Melissa’s 2-year-old daughter is running around in the background, and the telltale sounds of family are coming through. She’s being potty trained, something I remember well. I cheated, I told Melissa. When my daughter was almost there, I told her that we ran out of diapers and we couldn’t get any more. But it worked. Melissa and I both laughed – there is an understanding amongst mothers that we’re all imperfect. That is it’s own liberating truth.

We’re already getting off track a bit. I tell her that I was largely raised by gay guys. My father is gay, and when I was growing up, that was a very strange thing. This was long before Will & Grace and Queer Eye For The Straight Guy made it trendy. I would find myself not bringing it up when I was young, or not admitting to it, because it was so misunderstood. It was the 80’s, AIDS had just broken on the scene and there was this scary mentality that somehow the gay people were going to cause the next plague. I knew my father, I loved my father and his partner, and I knew it wasn’t a problem. But as a child, it was something I could make no sense of. So I avoided it.

As an adult, I have become a strong supporter of gay rights, because it is my truth.

The rest of the interview is wonderful, but too long to print here.... I hope you'll read it in the magazine and forward it on to people you think will also be inspired by it.

Sexual Enticement In The Workplace - It's A Chemistry Thing

2009-09-08T00:27:56-05:00

It appears to be a scientific fact that men don’t think all that
clearly when in the presence of a woman that they find attractive.
Further, that they will go out of their way to continue to see a woman
that they find attractive. Duh, right? We’ve known this since high
school, when boys stood outside of our chemistry classes and then
pretended they were there for some other reason.

Without laying blame (for the moment,) I think we need to acknowledge
that this happens. And I have solid business reasons for thinking this:

Men
need to be able to acknowledge that their business judgment may be
clouded so that they can double-check their decisions without fear and
shame.
Women who intentionally use sexuality to manipulate men need to know that we’re on to them.
We
need to have a name for this behavior so that we can collectively stand
up to it, just like we did to sexual harassment when men were grabbing
women’s asses and asking for nooners in order to raise them up the
corporate ladder.

Fortunately, there is scientific data to back up the idea that men do not think clearly around women to whom they are attracted.

One of the earlier published studies on the matter is from Dr. Hans
Breiter at Massachusetts General Hospital. The study, which was
originally published in 2001
in the journal Neuron, looked at brain activity in the “reward” centers
of men’s brains. These activities are routinely stimulated by things
like food, drugs and money, but the researchers wanted to see what
happened when men were presented with attractive women. And sure
enough, when men were presented with attractive women, those parts of
the brain were “sprung.”

"It looks like there can be a difference between what the brain
'likes,' an image that is judged to be attractive, and what the brain
'wants,' something that is regarded as a reward in and of itself,"
study author Dr. Hans Breiter, of Massachusetts General Hospital in
Boston, said in a statement.

What’s interesting, however, is that men were asked to rate a series of
images of both men and women as beautiful. According to a Reuters
article about the study:

In their experiments, the researchers first asked a group of men to
rate how attractive they found the faces… and attractive male faces
garnered ratings similar to attractive female faces.

But in the next phase of the study, men in another group were allowed
to control how long they viewed a particular face by pressing a key.
Breiter's team found that they "expended effort" to see the beautiful
female faces for a longer time, but for all other faces they tried only
to "make the faces disappear faster."

… A third group of men studied with brain imaging known as functional
MRI, the investigators found that only the attractive female faces set
off the brain's "reward circuitry."

"It's particularly interesting that the attractive male faces actually
produced what could be considered an aversion response, even though
they had been recognized as attractive," Breiter said.

So science can prove that men “feel good” when they’re around pretty
women. Logic has proven that people, in general, will try to do things
that feel good.

There is a more recent study, however, which clearly shows that men’s
ability to think, perform tasks and to reason is seriously hampered by
the presence of women to whom they are attracted.

Research published just this year in the Journal of Experimental and
Social Psychology, suggests that men expend so much energy trying to
impress women that they are attracted to, that they literally cannot
think straight. And they don’t even realize it!

The research, conducted at Radboud University in the Netherlands, tested 40 heterosexual men. As explained in the Telegraph:

Each one performed a standard memory test where they had to observe a
stream of letters and say, as fast as possible, if each one was the
same as the one before last.

The volunteers then spent seven minutes chatting to male or female
members of the research team before repeating the test. The results
showed men were slower and less accurate after trying to impress the
women. The more they fancied them, the worse their score.

But when the task was repeated with a group of female volunteers, they
did not get the same results. Memory scores stayed the same, whether
they had chatted to a man or a woman.

In
a report on their findings the researchers said: 'We conclude men's
cognitive functioning may temporarily decline after an interaction with
an attractive woman.

'Psychologist Dr
George Fieldman, a member of the British Psychological Society, said
the findings reflect the fact that men are programmed to think about
ways to pass on their genes.

'When a man meets a pretty woman, he is what we call 'reproductively
focused. But a woman also looks for signs of other attributes, such as
wealth, youth and kindness. Just the look of the man would be unlikely
to have the same effect.'

Now for the blame laying. The vast majority of us women know that we
can flirt our way into getting our way. As the Radboud study suggests,
we are also fairly keyed into other factors, things like wealth, power,
and security. And we may just be as genetically programmed to use our
“attractiveness” to get those things as men are to try and get laid.
However, our cognitive abilities are not dulled in pursuit of our goals
– I’d go so far as to say they get sharpened, but I haven’t found
research to support that yet.

And when the dulling of men coincides with the sharpening of women,
that may cause trouble in the workplace. Especially when we do it
knowingly, and they respond unknowingly.

As in the case of my friends, which started this whole series,
they were not only behaving like fools (which was funny,) but making
bad decisions to support a company that was so-so at best (I was more
generous in my original post,) and were bringing other men into the
web. Their decision-making was clearly clouded. And she knew it. She
was causing and using it.

The larger problem, however, was that they were totally unaware of
their behavior and utterly unable to see that she was manipulating
them.

So, given the research, what’s the deal? Were they genuinely oblivious
because they’re genetically unable to see clearly in the presence of a
pretty woman? Were they, as was suggested by Fredrick Lane, perfectly
well aware of it but unwilling to stop it because, well, there’s always
a chance they may get laid?

Either way, we need to admit this happens. Men need to be “allowed” to
admit they were googly and dumb. Women need to NOT be allowed to get
away with this shit. And we all need to call it something so that we
can effectively stop it in the workplace.

What do we do? Come on folks, let’s get busy!

____________

Alyssa Royse is the founder of JUST CAUSE Magazine,
and was once told by an advisor that, when meeting with men, she should
give them 10 minutes to accept that they can't have sex with her before
saying anything important in a meeting.

Sexual Enticement In The Workplace Round Two - Some Like It Hot

2009-09-01T17:19:09-05:00

To quote Johnny Drama, and in so doing hit an all time journalistic
low, “that’s the problem with hot looking women in the workplace in
general, they should be barred because no man can say ‘no’ to them.”
The problem they are discussing is that Vince and Eric can’t stand up
to Vince’s new agent because she’s a hot chick. His previous agent was
a guy, they would, in the situation at hand, tell him to fuck off. But
his new agent is hot, and they say “yes” to her when they want to say
“no.”

Yes, it’s Entourage, a TV show, but the rest of the episode was
dedicated to the very issue of men not being able to be rational in the
presence of women they want to have sex with. What happened when they
went to confront the agent? Hilarity ensues, of course, and Johnny
Drama asks, “did Mistress Amanda dominate you?” Turtle chimes in with,
“Yah, did she wear laytex?” And Johnny Drama tries to sympathize by
saying, “I wanted to fuck my manager for years, it made working
together intolerable.”

I have to think that when this issue makes it into popular culture so
directly, and with the expectation that everyone will “get it,” then it
is a very real situation.

But if you’re not one for popular TV, let’s think about Helen of Troy,
was it not competition for the love of this legendary beauty that
launched the Trojan War? She’s known as “the face that launched a
thousand ships.” Again with the Greeks, but in Lysistrata, the women
withheld sex to stop the Peloponnesian war.

Many world religions have also chimed in with the need to protect us
from our own sexuality. Though interpretations vary on whether it is to
protect men from the power of women’s sexuality, or to liberate women
from being judged by their sexuality, the hijab in Islamic culture
exists to remove sexuality from the equation. (For the record, the
“poor guys can’t control themselves” argument is just absurd.) There is
also the Judaic tradition of women covering their hair, which stems
from the Old Testament story of Chava tempting Adam to eat from the
tree of knowledge. I guess it was her lovely hair that did him in, poor
guy couldn’t control himself, so women ought to cover their hair and
conceal their sensuality, reserving it only for their husbands.

Whether you’re looking at modern TV, ancient drama or religious
teachings, there seems to be an acknowledgment that women can, and do,
use their sexuality to get what they want. And that maybe, just maybe,
men are weak to fight against it.

I suppose it’s possible that the empowered modern American woman, and
all of her modern associates, are the one population in the history of
time who don’t see this. But I doubt it.

So let’s just say it’s real. And talk honestly about how this may
impact the modern American workplace. Because I don’t like Johnny
Drama’s idea of banning hot women from the workplace. That would suck
for everyone. I like hot women. And hot men. Hot people are, well, hot,
and nice to have around.

If you didn’t read the first blog post
on this subject, I introduced a scenario in which a hot chick, who was
trying to close a deal, was engaging in a salacious email dialog (and
drunken dinners) with the potential client. Regardless of who started
it, she was leading him on, drinking too much with him and letting him
think there was a chance that he might get laid. (Whether or not she
would do it is moot, though I tend to think it’s bad business to
promise – even tacitly – things you know you won’t deliver.)

I think that crosses the line. I think it is dishonest and manipulative
and that it erodes the integrity of the playing field on which we all
do business. But, in case I’m crazy, I did ask people who know far more
than I do about such things. At least legally speaking.

I asked Fredrick Lane,
an attorney and author who appears regularly on major TV networks and
specializes in issues such as this, if the potential of having sex as a
reward for “giving” something is any different than the potential of
getting something – like a promotion – as a result of having sex. Could
Sexual Enticement, legally speaking, be treated in a similar manner to
Sexual Harassment.

“Not really,” Fredrick answered bluntly. “The problem is that sexual
harassment law is predicated on the concept of making someone do
something they don't want to do sexually in exchange for a perceived
benefit in the workplace. It's a different thing entirely for a woman
(or a man, for that matter) to represent themselves as WILLING to
perform sexual acts for a deal, a promotion, etc.”

So, could there be any legal ramifications for such behavior? After
all, if a boss can be punished for expecting sex from a subordinate, is
there any issue if the subordinate does the offering?

“Probably not; there's no case law giving a right of action against
suck-ups (pun intended,)” Fredrick responds, with trademark humor.
“However, a claim for sexually hostile workplace might be sustainable
if the boss (male or female) makes it clear that he/she is receptive to
sexual overtures and that benefits clearly flow to employees who make
them. It becomes a tricky question of fact: is the employee voluntarily
propositioning the boss with an eye towards the corner office, or is
the boss subtly (or not so subtly) suggesting that flirts and floozies
rise faster up the corporate ladder?”

Alright then, there is no legal issue with this. You manipulate me by
asking for sex, I can sue your ass. I manipulate you by offering you
sex, no problem. Well, maybe if she does have sex with him and there’s
an email trail to follow, he explains, “it wouldn't be hard to make the
argument that what is promised is essentially prostitution -- an
exchange of sexual services for economic benefit.” But shy of that,
nothing wrong.

I know this just doesn’t sit right with a lot of people, but what do we
do about it? Are we too PC to call this behavior out? Come on, let’s
call it what it is! We can do it!

Turns, out, Fredrick doesn’t think we can, or at least doesn’t think we
will. “Nope, it's not remotely PC, because in a post ‘Our Bodies,
Ourselves’ world, who is going to speak out against the idea of a
strong, confident woman in touch with and embracing her sexuality? And,
of course, most men will refuse to ‘call out’ a sexually predatory
woman because they might, in fact, get some.”

Gotta love the irony of feminism being the reason no one will call this
what it is. Fredrick’s right. No guy who might “get some” is going to
call out this behavior.

But what about us women? Time to turn to Natalee Roan,
whose background in psychology and tenure as a C Level exec in
corporate America leaves her perfectly suited to tackle such issues in
her executive coaching practice.

“Other women do, but we often just call them, the ones who call-out the behavior, a bitch.”

Oh, like Turtle and Johnny Drama calling the agent a “mistress” in
laytex, conjuring up images of the dominatrix! Or, I might add, the
person who commented on my last post that I must be “jealous.”

“I don’t see men calling a woman like this out because it makes them
look weak. They won’t call out her sexual enticement because that would
mean they were suckered – and that’s just too embarrassing and hard on
the ego.”

I agree with Natalee 100%. I will also add that, often, I think the men may genuinely not see that they are being played.

Is there a place for these women in Corporate America? Sure, that’s why
there’s so many of them. Natalee offers the following thoughts,
“companies are often happy to use the Sexual Enticer to increase their
bottom lines by putting them into ‘individual contributor’ roles, like
sales and biz dev where they don’t have much in the way of staff to
manage. Ideal for the company – they benefit through the increased
sales this type of person could garner, but mitigate harm to employees
(because no-one that self-absorbed can be a good leader.)”

What about successful CEO’s and senior management? Does this work for
them? Again, Natalee observes, “if they do manage to manipulate their
way into senior management, their stay there is likely temporary. But
while I don’t have any hard research, I’m willing to bet most leave
their companies of their own accord rather than being fired – they just
top out career-wise as let’s face it, there’s no deep respect earned,
and the behavior that got them there becomes old and predictable, so
they lose their influence – time to move on.”

Alright then. It exists, many people don’t call it out, and no one knows what to do about it.

Let’s remember something that Fredrick pointed out to me, “it took a
ridiculously long time, but our society eventually wised up to the fact
that women should be judged on their merits in the workplace and not on
their willingness to perform sexual favors for someone in a position of
power over them.”

He’s right, and that’s why I’m pissed. It’s not that she’s hot, it’s
that she’s taking us back a few generations where sex and sexuality was
expected of us in order to get ahead. I want to be judged – as should
all of you – on the merits of my brains and business sense. So yah, it
pisses me off, and I see it as pathetic. And those of you who have
penises and would like to think that I’m being jealous and selfish, let
me point out that you are ill-equipped to compete with a woman like
this, you’re probably losing out far more than me on this equation.

On a personal level, I also love sex enough to want to be able to share
it openly and freely with my lovers, not to cheapen it and dole it out
like flavorless communion wafers to anyone who wants a little.

It’s also just manipulative, and too many people are easily – and
obliviously – suckered by it. So let me be a mom here, for a minute,
and remind you that strangers offering you candy are usually up to no
good.

__________

Alyssa Royse thinks Vince is pretty but pointless, would totally marry
Eric, and regrets to admit that she absolutely has the hots for Ari
Gold. When she’s not watching Entourage, she’s running JUST CAUSE Magazine, using her wit, brains and way with words.

This post originally appeared on Seattle 2.0, a startup community blog in Seattle.

Quid Pro Blow: Sexual Enticement To Close The Deal

2009-08-29T11:12:07-05:00

Before I share with you a possibly sordid tale of sexual innuendo and
manipulation, let me make clear that I am as far from prude as you can
get, in both the boardroom and the bedroom. I think that many cases of
sexual harassment are totally inane and the last thing I want is to
work in a place where puritanical ideals and a childlike inability to
stand up for yourself mean we all have to walk around like pilgrims
with blinders on. It’s just stupid.

That said, the idea of any man saying to a woman, “come on Cookie,
loosen up and give me a bite, that’s easier than earning a promotion
the hard way,” makes me want to hurl and scream. Likewise, however, the
idea of some girl engaging in salacious banter with a potential client
in order to close the deal offends me just as much.

Thing is, while sexual harassment is getting easier to define –
although with perhaps too wide a net – the nebulous idea of “sexual
enticement” is virtually indefinable. But, as they say with art, I may
not know how to define it, but I know it when I see it.

Therein lies the rub. We all see things differently. And some things
are a bit blurry in the eye of the beholder. Especially if such
beholder is a guy who thinks he might get laid – those beholders have
notoriously cloudy vision.

That was that was the preamble. Now the problem at hand.

Getting a startup funded is damned near impossible. Getting recurring
revenue as a startup without proven metrics isn’t any easier. That
said, the job of an entrepreneur is to do just that, whatever it takes.

We have all sorts of tools: PowerPoint Decks, testimonials,
spreadsheets, projections, promises, promotions etc. And some of us
have great tits.

I was recently hanging out with some friends of mine who are successful
businessMEN who both invest in and advise startups – NOT in Seattle in
case you’re trying to figure out if you know the players here. They
wanted me to meet this chick they’ve been advising and are considering
investing in. Solid enough business, but something about her sent my
red flags waving as if in the winds of an impending storm. Talking
about it before I caught a plane home, one of the guys told me I was
crazy. “There’s nothing wrong with her.”

Okay. My chick-instincts disagreed, but I couldn’t explain why.

He then proceeds to tell me a “funny” story about how this chick is
leading on a potential client, the kind that could make or break her
startup, and how funny it is. Quick tales of dinners involving too much
wine, just her and the sale she’s trying to make. (Again, he is the
gatekeeper to a make or break deal.) Hysterical chain of emails in
which he’s really hitting on her hard, being very sexually forward and
she’s “letting him do it.” He’s even going to fly across the country to
meet her and continue these meetings, with “too much wine” explicitly
stated. Yup, hysterical.

I'm not laughing.

“But, I don’t think she’d actually have sex with him, I mean, she has a boyfriend,” one of my friends tells me.

Pardon me, but what’s the difference? How is, “if you give me what I
want, you may get laid,” any different than, “if you do it with me, you
may get a promotion?” In my mind, they’re both gross. The female
version is no better than the male version. And before anyone declares
“feminine empowerment” and “fighting fire with fire,” let me make clear
that idiots with blow-torches can burn the whole thing down - in the
end, it makes no difference who had the bigger torch.

And what does that do to the rest of us who will neither “put out” nor let you think we might “put out” to close the deal?

Let’s take a quick gander at sexual harassment law. According to Dave Bowman of TTG Consultants:

“There
are Federal and State laws prohibiting sexual harassment in the
workplace. The common denominator among all of these laws is that a
legal decision about workplace harassment is NOT based on the
perception of the perpetrator, but rather on the perception of the
receiver. In other words, a workplace sexual harassment case will be
decided based upon how the person being harassed thinks and feels about
what's happened, NOT whether the harasser intended any harm.”

Alright, then in our scenario, the guy certainly is not feeling wronged
in anyway, though he may when he does not actually get laid. (And I
guess, if he does get laid, then, no harm no foul?)

But all of our radars should be going off, for several reasons.

1. We’re all a bit blinded from reality when our hormones start racing.
And most of us girls learn, at about age 13, that guys will do
anything for us if they think they have a chance of “getting some.” As
far as I know, they don’t outgrow it. Without the benefit of legal
terms, I’m going to propose that Investing While Horny is the rough
equivalent of Driving Under the Influence. Fine, but the pusher here
bears some responsibility for any impending crash.

2. This is still using sex as a tool. Even if these two people end up
being honky dory with how this plays out, we’ve still thrown blatant
sexual manipulation in there as an acceptable business tool. And I just
don’t think it’s right. Say she and I are going after the same deal,
and our business offering is 100% the same. Is it, then, necessary for
business that I drink, flirt and let him think that I’ll pucker up in
gratitude if he gives me the deal? And hey, if he is promised sex and
doesn’t get it, that’s not any more ethical in my book – it is
certainly bad business to let someone think you can do something for
them and then not do it.

3. Women using sex as a tool is, in some ways, even worse – and they do
it all the time! Generations of women have worked damned hard to make
sure that we have an even playing field (and we’re still far from
there,) we really don’t need to go down this way. (Pun intended.)

Now, my friends – the guys I was with – saw nothing wrong with any of
it. Which freaks me out. Their tacit approval of this behavior is only
a stone’s throw away from a tacit expectation of it. Sure, we can all
go out, drink, be silly, tell crude jokes – that’s a level playing
field, and I can play as well as the best of them. But until all of
these MEN who are making deals are sending each other salacious emails
talking about drinking too much wine together and wondering what might
happen after dinner, well…. You let me know when the old boys clubs
include sexual innuendo, banter and promise in their “three martini
lunches” and I’ll tell you how easy it is to get me drunk and that as a
bad girl I just may need spanking.

But until then, this crosses the line. Sexual Enticement to close the
deal is no better than Sexual Harassment in my book. Call it what it
is, and if you can’t see it, it’s not just your problem, it’s a problem
for all of us.

Maybe the worst part is that I felt kind of sorry for my friends. They
genuinely didn't realize they were being played. Not so much a glass
ceiling here, as Wonder Woman's invisible lasso. You may not even
realize how you're being held back and played, because you're so
distracted with subliminal thoughts of getting laid. Poor guys. Maybe
we're fools not to use our tools? But I think we still have to use them
with integrity.

NEXT UP: Interviews with experts and some unbelievable stories of Sexual Enticement in the work place.

This was originally published at Seattle20.com, a largely male site about the startup community in Seattle. I'd love to get a conversation going over there too.... for perspectives fromboth sides.

___

Alyssa Royse has a hard time keeping her mouth shut
sometimes. She usually tries to make the world a better place with her
magazine, JUST CAUSE, which is free, and occasionally snarky.

Jason Mesnick Chats About Parenting, Media and Love

2009-04-30T22:15:48-05:00

I feel like it's been forever that I've been trying to launch JUST CAUSE Magazine. We got the web site built, but launching a magazine is just hard. Damned Hard. I had visions of, upon launch, writing the kind of blog post that would inspire women everywhere to doggedly pursue their dreams, against all odds, and transform their lives, their families, the media and the very planet.

As it turns out, I just want to take a nap.

But I also want to share something fun. Part of our magazine - which, thanks to the crashing economy and death of publishing as we know it is electronic and print-on-demand - is embedded celebrity interviews. I get to sit down and chat with celebrities about the causes that matter to them. I started with Jason Mesnick, aka "The Bachelor." And he was awesome.

I tried to embed the youtube video, but it wasn't working, so trust me that he's great, and you can watch the interview on our site. (If you read the e-zine, there's a 4 minute interview, but the whole thing is on our site.)

Enjoy. For the record, he's an awesome guy. Never underestimate the power of editing to make people seem however the producers want them to seem.

Of course, this is just one part of our very cool magazine, which I really will blog - and brag - about later. After a nap. And maybe a drink or 6. But you can check it out, and spread the word. You can read it online at Zinio.com or order a Print-on-demand copy at Mag Cloud. Both of those help us keep publishing the kind of stories that we really do think can change the world.

25 Things About My Sex Life

2009-02-15T22:03:33-06:00

Okay, that was a little misleading, because it isn't about MY sex life, but it is interesting. In the "wake" of all those "25 Things About Me" that have swept through Facebook like an exhibitionist group therapy session, something that is, to me, far more interesting took root on the web this weekend.

25 Things About My Sexuality is a collection of COMPLETELY ANONYMOUS lists from people about their sex lives. There are only half a dozen or so of them up there, but they are so interesting. Some people who could take or leave sex, some who want it all the time, some who want it rough, gentle monogamously, anonymously and in rooms full of others.

As I've said time and time again, I'm looking forward to the day when people can be open and honest about what they need sexually - and the rest of us can just accept it. I think that a good glimpse into the depth and breadth of our divergent sexualities is just the ticket. And if it takes anonymity to make that first step, so be it.

And those of you who think that I must have started this list, you're wrong. i really didn't. (But I do know who did, and it's someone I trust completely. They, however, wish to remain anonymous also.)

Making Maple Marshmallows - and WHY?

2008-12-21T18:16:15-06:00

We're having blizzards in Seattle, which is ridiculous, since everyone knows it RAINS here, it doesn't SNOW! So, like the entire rest of the city, I went to Safeway yesterday and got everything we could possible need for a blizzard. Including stuff to make hot chocolate. I was feeling very big in my britches, until my daughter pointed out that I got no marshmallows.

But fear not, there's a hippie-dippie healthy crunch "co-op" 3 blocks away, I can get them there. No, I can't. They don't sell them. Hmmmm. Well, maybe I can get corn syrup and make some? Nope, they don't sell that either. This, from a store that manages to define Tofu Corndogs as both healthy and natural (what tree do those grow on?)

Yah, well, necessity being the mother of invention, this mother "invented" maple syrup marshmallows because they are a necessity for any blizzard.

For those who don't know, marshmallows are really just corn syrup, sugar and gelatin. The only real ingredient in corn syrup that separates it from other liquid sugar is cream of tartar, which is a preservative necessary to stop it from crystallizing. With that said, these are EASY to make, and fun and absurdly impressive.

Ingredients

* 3 packages unflavored gelatin
* 1 cup ice cold water, divided in 1/2
* 1 1/2 cups sugar
* 1 cup REAL maple syrup
* 1/4 teaspoon kosher salt
* 1/4 teaspoon cream of tartar

* 1/4 cup confectioners' sugar
* 1/4 cup cornstarch
* Nonstick spray

Directions

Place the gelatin into the bowl of a stand mixer along with 1/2 cup of the water.

In a small saucepan combine the remaining 1/2 cup water, granulated sugar, maple syrup, cream of tartar, and salt. Place over medium high heat, cook until a candy thermometer reads 240 degrees F, about 7 to 8 minutes. Once the mixture reaches this temperature, immediately remove from the heat.

Turn your mixer on low speed and, while running, slowly pour the sugar syrup down the side of the bowl into the gelatin mixture. Once you have added all of the syrup, increase the speed to high. Continue to whip until the mixture becomes very thick and is lukewarm, approximately 12 to 15 minutes. While the mixture is whipping prepare the pans as follows.

Combine the confectioners' sugar and cornstarch in a small bowl. Lightly spray a 13 by 9-inch metal baking pan with nonstick cooking spray. Add the sugar and cornstarch mixture and move around to completely coat the bottom and sides of the pan. Return the remaining mixture to the bowl for later use.

When ready, pour the mixture into the prepared pan, using a lightly oiled spatula for spreading evenly into the pan. Dust the top with enough of the remaining sugar and cornstarch mixture to lightly cover. Reserve the rest for later. Allow the marshmallows to sit uncovered for at least 4 hours and up to overnight.

Turn the marshmallows out onto a cutting board and cut into 1-inch squares using a pizza wheel dusted with the confectioners' sugar mixture. Once cut, lightly dust all sides of each marshmallow with the remaining mixture, using additional if necessary. Store in an airtight container for up to 3 weeks.

You can also spread it in a larger pan, to make a smaller marshmallows.

And, if you're paying attention, it's snowing again in Seattle. Another 3 - 6 inches tonight. This is crazy...... But hey, maybe I'll come up with something new....

(this recipe was mofidied from one on teh food network site....

It's All In Your Underwear

2008-12-14T21:44:17-06:00

I just picked a pair of my (soon to be ex) husband's underwear up from the bathroom floor and put them in the laundry basket that was approximately 6 inches from where they lay. Now, I'm a slob, so I have no right to judge, nor would I. But the thing is, this is my bathroom, really. My laundry basket. We haven't shared a room in months, as we've been lovingly and patiently navigating the next stage of our relationship. So I didn't really want to pick up his underwear. And it offered forth an unwanted flood of ruminations on underwear, and what it means. And what's under the underwear, and what it means. And I came to the shocking realization that I think it all starts there. Foundation garment indeed - I think the foundation of my next relationship is all in "his" underwear, whoever he may be. And it's certainly in mine.

Back track now, to a conversation I had months ago with a friend, a man, who is contemplating the state of his own relationship. He was putting away some laundry, and we were talking. As he took one item after another and folded it, he paused with a pair of "her" underwear in his hand. "What do you think of these?" They were cute. They were sort of sheer, some kind of earth tones, vaguely lacy string bikini. They were my idea of "granny panties" for women under 70.

That's what I told him. He felt the same way. Turns out, however, they were "her" idea of sexy panties. I didn't ask what their sex life was like - none of my business - but from my perspective if one partner's idea of sexy is the same as the other partner's idea of "granny," there are likely to be problems.

I'm a thong girl, and I'll admit it outright. I like lacy, skimpy, sexy, underwear. I just do. I like my body, a lot, I like that it gives me pleasure, and that it can give others pleasure. It occurred to me this afternoon that I want my lover to look at my underwear - whether it's on the bathroom floor, in the laundry basket or on my hot body - and think "yes, that is exactly my idea of sexy. Damn!" I want to be the exact personification of my lover's fantasies - not because I changed myself to be that, but because we both had the exact same ideas when we met.

As I've often blogged before, mostly in wonderful back-and-forths with Suzanne, I also hate pubic hair. For whatever reason, I always have. (And, to be clear, I was raised by a hairy feminist and a gay guy in a house without television, and in hippie progressive intellectual private schools, so I don't think it was media messaging, I think I like what i like because it's what i like, the same way we all do.) That is also in my underwear. It is a reflection of who I am. And not only do I make no apologies for it, I am also uninterested in compromising it. No pubic hair on me, and none on my lovers either, that's just the way it has to be. And I don't want that moment where I take of my sexy panties have someone gasp in horror. Or vice versa, don't want to take someone's off and think, "shit, how am I going to get out of this?"

I have heard people say that they can love - or at least accept - any variation of woman. And that's great, if it's true. But in my experience, most people's deepest fantasies are in fact fairly narrowly held. And as I get closer to 40, I'm realizing how important they are. Seriously.

I don't want to meet a guy who can learn to like thongs and a clean shaven girl, I want to meet one who knows that's what he wants, and is damned stunned to have met one that is the incarnation of his deepest held fantasies. Why? Because we spend all day talking to smart people, funny people, witty people, adventurous people - all the other things that I know matter in a relationship. But that stuff is everywhere. What makes real lovers different is that they come home to each other and live in the utterly intimate space of fantasies manifested.

I think I want to start there next time. I think that on my first date with someone I am going to ask what kind of underwear they are wearing. (And there is a right answer, I cannot date someone who wears tighty-whities because I would know that our idea of sexy is too different.) Then I will ask them if they shave their pubes. (And there is a right answer.) Then I will ask them what kind of underwear they like on women. (And there is a right answer, which is not "whatever.")

Once that's out of the way, we can talk all night and probably have a blast - but I will know then and there if I'm spending time with my next really good friend, or my next lover.

I simply do not what to date someone who doesn't know what they like.
Or who likes things that are not "me." And I do not want to be in a
relationship with someone who thinks he can or should compromise on the
things that turn him on. Whatever they are - he deserves his needs met,
for real. As do I.

Because the truth is, all that other stuff - brains, humor, perspective - is the stuff of friends. And you can never have too many friends. But the stuff in your underwear, that's the stuff of lovers, and I am too picky about that, and too clear about what I want, to waste my time with someone who would be perfectly happy with any old woman they "got." I want a lover who wants ME, exactly as I am, and is unbelievably psyched to realize that I exist.

And I want our underwear to lie in a pile 6 inches away from the laundry basket together. And I want to pick it up and be so psyched about it. I want to take it out of the dryer, clean, and wonder when is the next time that I get to pull the short, black, boxer briefs off of his hairless bits and live out all of the fantasies that I so rightly deserve.

Rape and Death and Batman, OH MY!

2008-08-03T13:42:41-05:00

I am a writer, a woman, an entrepreneur and a film buff. So, when I saw (and really hated) The Dark Knight, I couldn't resist writing a funny little piece about how the Dark Knight can serve as a cautionary tale for common mistakes that entrepreneurs make. I wrote it up (granted, not my best writing,) and left for a day with friends on a nearby island. I came back to death threats, vulgar insults and comments the likes of which I've never seen anywhere. The post was read more than 10,000 times (why can I not get that kind of traffic on my real site?) I shook as I started reading the comments. Then I stopped shaking, it was just surreal, a sick joke. Surely people like this don't really exist.

Here are a few comments that were left on my blog yesterday. There are nearly 200 of them, so I've just included about half a dozen (of the nearly 2 dozen that other readers asked me to remove.)

Get a life you two dollar whore blogger, The Dark Knight doesn't suck,
you suck! Don't ever post another blog or unless you want to get ganged
up.
Who let this woman out of the kitchen?
you are clearly retarded, i hope someone shoots then rapes you
alyssa darling, why don't you make yourself useful and go have a baby
I think a certain "author" needs to go back to playing house before she breaks mommy's computer.
I'm sure you'd have no trouble finding a top flight job in either the
housekeeping or food service industries. And please, change your pad.
Thanks! :-)
if you were my wife i would beat you
This is why women are TOO STUPID to think critically and intelligently about film; AND business for that matter.

Holy vitriol Batman. What have I done?

I'm fascinated by this. Really. I don't even really know where to start in processing the fury - and threats - that i have wrought. I should be shot and raped for not liking Batman? Since I disagree with them, I need to change my pad? Because I don't like Batman I have proven that women are too stupid for film and business.

What was most interesting to me, however, was how it felt to be judged so virulently because of ONE thing that I did - in this case, dislike Batman. How it felt to actually feel in danger - jeesh, these people want me raped and shot just for speaking my mind, being myself. OMG. While i would never compare this one blog post to the generations-deeper segregationist vitriol that threatens people of different religion, skin color and sexual orientation, it was an eye-opener for me. A privileged white woman who has never experienced such violent hatred.

But the larger issue for me is the violent hatred that is clearly just under the surface. Who are these anonymous posters? Men, I'm fairly sure. Are they working at the desk next to you? Are they dating your sister your best friend, your mother, your daughter - you?

Not one comment questioned the business ideas presented. They all, instead, referred to my menstrual cycle and clearly retarded intellect. Of nearly 200 comments, maybe 3 didn't mention my gender.

What does this say? Really, what do you think it says about our society, our men, our ability to discuss ideas, the hope we have to work together. For chrissake, all I did was say I didn't like a movie!

Unsure of how to process all of this, I did a quick Google search for stories about other bloggers who have received similar responses on their blogs. Here's a shocker, the first one I found was a woman, who pissed off a bunch of male tech bloggers.

Kathy Sierra, a prominent technology blogger, is considering never
posting on her blog again because of the severity of threats she’s
received online.

Sierra has been the target of anonymous death threats for the past several weeks, according to the last post on her blog,
Creating Passionate Users. The blog is for people “passionate about the
brain and metacognition, most especially — how the brain works and how
to exploit it for better learning and memory.”

In her latest post,
dated Monday, Sierra included graphic written and photographic threats
she has endured, as well as her feelings about the threats. “For the
last four weeks, I’ve been getting death threat comments on this blog,”
she writes. “But that’s not what pushed me over the edge. What finally
did it was some disturbing threats of violence and sex posted on two
other blogs … blogs authored and/or owned by a group that includes
prominent bloggers.”

So I started wondering if maybe we women just aren't supposed to be talking about boy stuff, you know, stuff like business, technology and Batman?

What do you think? Is there a freaky vein that I've tapped in to? A larger lesson to be learned? A way to get out of this kind of dialog and into something more constructive?

Beautiful Blogging Positive Posting Follow-Up

2008-07-28T18:44:29-05:00

Lucrecer, Krystyn, Jen and Alyssa were brought together to form a
panel that was moderated by Kyran for the BlogHer Conference in July
2008. Our topic was simple - to discuss why it is that positive posting
can make the world a better place. Some of us write about social
justice, others leave love notes that world in random public places,
some of us talk about our extraordinary struggles and the beautiful
opportunities they present. But in all cases, we use our thoughts and
words and art to inspire people to open themselves up to the
possibilities of the world and move towards positive change.

So many - SO MANY! - people came up to us afterwards to ask how we
could keep the momentum going, find each other's wisdom and passion on
a regular basis, not just at BlogHer. So here it is, The Positive
Posting cause on Just Cause It.

We will cause positive things. It's that simple.

Write about a stranger who made your day, a political movement
that's working, a new diet that is helping you regain your health,
anything that you think others can learn and grow from.

But let's use this energy to create real change. Talk about real
stuff, link to other bloggers and posts, join other causes, create your
own causes. The whole premise of our panel was to inspire people to use
their own energy to create change - which is also the premise of JUST
CAUSE IT. So, let's see what we can do together.

I'd like to find some really fun innovative way to support and promote each other's causes. We don't have big budgets or corporate sponsors, but maybe we can sponsor each other. Maybe a writer can sponsor a prize to write the holiday letter for someone who the community chooses as a great tutoring hero. Or a photographer can send a photo to a blogger selected as having done something great.

Join us, and remember to tag your posts to Positive Posting. I don't know where this will go, but I would love to make clear that if you have a cause, there is a community of people who do want to hear about it, and by working together, we can do it. Now that's positive.

Thanks BlogHer for bringing the 5 of us together, we'd like to keep it going, for sure. On BlogHer and in our home towns.....

Bicycle Commuting For The Corporate Chick

2008-07-23T23:44:23-05:00

I originally wrote this post about being a bicycle commuter for my business blog, Start Her Up, that I write for women entrepreneurs. But within minutes, a couple guys started leaving really nasty comments, so I thought I'd share my bicycle commuting insight with a bunch of women who might just get it. More importantly, might have some good tips for me. I don't want to get back in my car, but I also need to be taken seriously in business meetings!

Time for a little fluff, because my ACHING legs will not allow me to do anything of substance. I am trying my very hardest to be one of those eco commuting biking chicks. For lots of reasons. I'm just fed up with the whole gas thing. Traffic in Seattle makes me homicidal. Parking makes me omnicidal (want to kill everything, not just people.) And, frankly, I'm vain as can be and want the hot bod that all that biking will give me. So, here's some insight into being a successful cycling executive - specifically a CHICK.

First of all, there's the wardrobe issue. You pretty much either have to wear it or throw it in your bag to slip into it on the street. So, if you want to look cute (did I mention that I'm vain?) this is going to require some strategy. My ideas so far:

1. The very simple slip on t-shirt style dress. Roll it up carefully and throw it in your bag. It will then slide right over some little cycling shorts and a tank top.

2. Nice yoga pants. Today's outfit involved nice yoga pants. This particular pair is a stretchy, matte finish, well tailored pair from LuLu Lemon. Just roll the cuff so they don't get caught in the chain and Voila! Nice black pants when you get where you're going. Pair with a nice knit top and you're good to go.

3. Shoes. Simple classic black sandals. They take up no space in my bag, and turned both the dress and the yoga pants into a corporate casual look.

Now, hair and makeup.

1. You thought hat hair was bad? Let me introduce you to helmet hair. It's sweaty. It is not good. Which is why god (with a lowercase g) invented head bands. Black headband in the bag at all times. Unless your hair is long enough for a pony tail..... But really, finished looking hair is something that gets noticed.

2. If you're a makeup wearer, this is the time to go seriously light on it. Sweat and soot will do a number on your face. I've seen it. Tread lightly, BUT, embrace the long-wearing stuff. Revlon ColorStay lipstick is my new favorite thing.

3. Deodorant. Enough said.

Gear. Now this was a rude awakening. My 15" MacBook Pro, previously the love of my life (it breathes when it sleeps!) is now the bane of my existence. Damn thing weighs a ton. I have embraced the power of the pen and paper. The bonus is that when I re-type my notes and to-dos into my computer when I get home, I get to rethink through everything and that's good. That said, if the kind people at Mac would like to send me one of those itty bitty new laptops, just let me know, I'll give you worlds of good press! (Eco friendly Computers Enable Bicycle Commuting!)

Locks. Having previously worshiped the ubiquitous Kryptonite lock, I've converted to a hardcore cable lock. It weighs half as much, and allows you freedom to wrap yourself around anything you need to - parking meter, light pole, whatever - if there's not a proper bike rack.

Worried about cars? Yah, me too. But ya know what, they're more scared of you than you are of them. Turns out that there's plenty of room on the roads, so I don't know what to say about those drivers that are scared to pass cyclists, it's weird. Really, there's plenty of room.

What you should worry about are people opening car doors on to you. So, PEOPLE, please look before opening your car door. I almost got slammed half a dozen times in the last 2 days.

As for the rules of the road - PLEASE OBEY THEM. Cyclists that are rude and don't play by the rules are ruining it for everyone.

Now you have no excuses. Come on - gas prices are too high, traffic is killing our planet and our moods, and we're all getting a tad heavier than we really want to be. Hop on a bike to get to work.

So, what are your secrets to rocking the bike and making it work?

The View From The Hole In The Wall

2008-07-19T08:31:00-05:00

I'm writing this from San Francisco where I'm attending the BlogHer conference. A kwazillion or so women bloggers in a single confined space. Yes, I thought it sounded scary too (let's face it, that's A LOT of estrogen!) I'm here because they asked me to be on a panel about Positive Posting tomorrow, and, as I sit here surrounded by brilliant women, I am utterly humbled to have been asked. Holy cow, never mind the estrogen, I've never been surrounded by so many brains and balls in my life!

Ironically - or not - BlogHer is the company that I speak about the most when I speak to investors. Founded by 3 women,

to support and aggregate the considerable contribution of women to our culture, BlogHer is, for me, the Mecca of success manifested. If you don't know who they are, you should. It is a company built on brains, balls, vision, dedication, passion, integrity, grit and they really created a new market that wound up aggregating the most sought after demographic out there into one big entity. They blow me away. Although they don't know it, they have been role models for me.

Anyway, enough fawning. I just left a break out session for women entrepreneurs. (No, that's not the panel I was speaking on, maybe next year.) And I would be remiss if I didn't share with you some of the collective wisdom of the women in the room. The vast majority of them are running their own businesses, and - as often happens when there are a bunch of women in the room - it really turned into a great group discussion.

1. THIS TAKES BALLS. Though there was of course some discussion that perhaps it takes ovaries. But I'm partial to the balls thing. Whether you're a dude or a chick, being an entrepreneur is hard. REALLY F'ING HARD. You have to be able to take punches, again and again. There were countless tales from people who - having now made successful exits - told of days on end crying to their parents on the phone, not showering, being sure it was all about to fall apart. But they kept going. It's like running a marathon, right. All you have to do is just not stop. If you don't have what it takes to just not stop, no matter what's being thrown at you, then go get a job. Seriously.

The rest of the BlogHer Business Wisdom is on StartHerUp....

5 Weeks In, Just Starting Recovery

2008-07-02T21:17:51-05:00

5 weeks ago, give or take, my husband of
14 years was arrested for DUI with a blood alcohol level of .27. That
is 3 times the legal limit. That is really f’ing drunk.

He called at 3:30 in the morning. I didn’t hear the phone ring. (I
don’t regret that, even if I had heard it ring, I wouldn’t have done
anything. I saw it as his mess he made, his mess to clean up.)

No one was hurt. Not physically anyway.

But we were both devastated. 5 weeks later, we still are.

Especially since I believed that he had stopped drinking years ago.
And that he had stopped drinking because he was afraid he might develop
a problem like the rest of his family. I was proud of him. And he knew
that.

Which made this all the worse for me. And even worse for him. On top
of everything else he was fighting - depression that he was medicating
with alcohol, all of which he was keeping secret - he now had to deal
with shame and guilt. From where I sit, that’s a lot to deal with.

I have tried, for 5 weeks now, to let this be HIS problem. I don’t
want to steal his thunder by making it my problem. I don’t want to
design his recovery for him, or contain it with my own expectations.
But, 5 weeks later, I have finally realized that this is a problem for
me too. And my recovery is as scary and important as his. And I have to
claim that.

Because it is really hard for me too. I’m not the one with the
drinking problem, but his drinking problem - everything that went into
it and came from it - is having a massive impact on my life. And it has
for years, even though I didn’t know what it was.

I think it’s like termites. they’re in there, eating things away,
destroying fiber and foundation silently and no one knows they’re there
until there are holes in the wall, until the house is weak, could fall
in the wind. And there you stand, wondering what to do? Exterminate?
Burn the thing down? Pack your bags and move away, pretending it never
happened? How can something so destructive do so much dastardly
destroying without you knowing it? Stupid. That’s the only answer, you
must be stupid.

That’s what this feels like.

5 weeks after my husband’s DUI and ensuing confession of years of
closet drinking and dark depression, I’m standing here staring at the
holes in the wall. Treading carefully on a foundation that is almost
surely about to give way beneath my feet. I want to save the house, all
of it, but I know I can’t. It’s time to move on. To where, I don’t know.

Ironic, isn’t that part of the AA serenity prayer is “accept the things i cannot change…..”

i cannot change that i love my husband unconditionally, i do, that won’t change.
i cannot change the fact that he is battling very big and deep demons
that have nothing to do with me, i did not cause them, i cannot fix
them. he has to do that himself.
i cannot change the fact that after years of being shut out and lied
to, the foundation on which i wanted to build my life is just gone. it
isn’t there anymore.
i cannot change the fact that our marriage as we know it is over, destroyed quietly over years.
i cannot change the fact that what i want is NOT a life of rebuilding
something that has been destroyed, of wishing i could fix something i
can’t fix, of wondering if there’s anything i could have done, should
have done.
i cannot change the fact that i have the right and responsibility to create a life in which i feel free and happy and alive.
i cannot change the fact that for years i have denied that right and responsibility.
i CAN change that starting now.
i CAN decide to liberate myself and go forward honestly and openly
admitting what i want, and admitting that i deserve it and can have it.
i CAN choose to liberate my husband from the guilt and fear associated
with a life lived in discord with inner desires and needs.
i CAN choose to let go of what i think and fear, and in so doing show others that they can too.
i CAN choose to define love and compassion for myself, and allow others to do the same.
i CAN have fun, love, sex, adventure. Lots of it.
i CAN admit how much it scares me, and then go head first in to it.

Because it does scare me. A lot. But I know that I want it, need it,
deserve it, and will have it. He deserves it too. And that it is the
best thing for everyone.

It doesn’t matter how I got here, how long it was eroding without being caught. The question is “what will we do now?”

I have the courage to change things that I can change. I have the
strength to accept the things I cannot change. And I know the
difference.

I can change the way I live my life. I cannot change the way others live theirs.

I can see very clearly the wreckage left here. I can even see the
path to it and the path from it. None of which would be possible if it
hadn’t fallen apart so completely.

I can even be grateful for the seemingly dire situation that presented me with this clarity.

I am so blessed. I love. I am loved. I am strong and surrounded by wonder.

I am tired. But that’s okay. I can rest when I need to.

Tomorrow, I think I will go to my first Al-Anon meeting. The thing
that I want right now is to know that other people have been here, felt
this. I can get my brain around it all, that’s not a problem. It’s my
heart that’s breaking.

Is there anyone else out there? Surely I'm not alone..... That's all I want, just to know that I'm not alone...

My husband and I are both blogging about it daily at Off The Rocks.