Ever since my son was born in 2004 I have struggled to find my "Holiday Spirit". I don't know if this is because I haven't slept through the night since he was born, or if it is because it was about that first Christmas that I was diagnosed with postpartum depression. Adding that diagnosis to an already severe case of social anxiety is not a good mix - for anyone. The medications that I have taken in the last four years have helped, along with therapy, but there is still a part of me that just can't seem to get a hold of the Holiday Cheer.

The frantic decorating, gift wrapping and commercialism are enough to make me want to climb into bed and sleep for the next 6 weeks. The sad thing is that I am not alone. The more women that I talk to, the more that I hear the same consensus.

Did my mother feel this way? I don't remember it. She worked outside the home, decorated like a fiend, baked and had a blast with my brother and I. And what is wrong with me that I feel this way? I am so blessed to be able to stay home with my son, and provide all of the experiences that my mother did, but I feel miserable because I can't find that cheer.

Who knows what the root cause is...the grey weather here in the NW, the early evenings, the lack of sleep...whatever it is it still irritates me that I can't get into the mood. I have done everything that I can think of - from volunteering to cutting back on gifts and parties - to try to make it easier on me, but nothing seems to work. Maybe as my son gets older it will get easier. But somehow I doubt it.

Being prone all of my life to migraines, we chalked it up to that, and my mother in law took my Toddler and distributed cleaning duties among the rest of the family and sent me to bed. We really though that would be the end of it. Of course it wasn't the same thing happened 3 days later when everyone left and I was home alone with Toddler.

I was rushed to the ER and they performed test after test to see what was wrong. One doctor was certain that it was MS - it wasn't - and referred me to a neurologist who I was to see the next morning.

The next few weeks (of course leading up to Christmas) were crammed with MRI'S, CT scans, blood work, sample medications and more. Never have I been more poked and prodded more in my LIFE to have them find absolutely nothing wrong with me.

Of course with all of the drama and the medications some things got a little forgotten. (Some bills got paid late, and a couple other of my Obsessive Compulsive Early tasks were forgotten.) It only happened a couple of times before my medications were regulated and I was on a normal schedule.

And until last night I hadn't thought much about it. That is until Hubby burst through the door with a credit card bill and screaming that it was past due and what just was I doing!!! Wait a minute here I am not an imbicile, all the bills are paid, on time so calm down. Second of all I HATE that he treats me like a little kid now. Like I can't make a descision on my own, or take care of things the way I used to. I think it is more infuriating than not knowing when the next "Episode" is going to attack.

Getting past it means keeping my mouth shut, and nodding sweetly. Then blogging about what a pain in the rear he can be. But maybe I need the reminders now. Lord knows that I can't recall things as easily as I did before (although they have assured me that there is NO DAMAGE to my brain) and trying to complete tasks is more difficult than it once was. And the Headaches still aren't gone....So who knows....maybe that kick in the butt is what I need. No matter how rude and annoying he is about it!!